Speak Out: What Advice Would You Give A Gay First-Timer?

Losing your virginity can either be a memory you’ll want to treasure forever or something that you want to just immediately forget. If you’re one of the people who’s had a less than memorable first time, you’ve probably wished that there was someone around to give you tips back then.

Thankfully, we now have the internet, where there are quite a number of places where you can ask for help and advice. The subreddit Ask Gay Bros is one such place, and recently a curious man in his 20s asked for some advice.

In a post titled “I’m ready,” Reddit user discmain reveals he’s been attracted to women his whole life but he’s also been curious and that there’s nothing he wants more than “to give oral to a man and possibly even be penetrated.”

The problem — aside from this being his first time with a man — is that he has just come out of a 14-year relationship and doesn’t know the best way to approach someone to ask them to take his gay virginity.

The people of Ask Gay Bros readily gave him some advice, ranging from getting on a dating app or heading to an LGBTQ establishment.

User DidntAskGonnaTell suggested going on a dating app, saying “There are usually a few people who just want to hookup and plenty who have a fantasy about a straight/first timer.”

User PrivateAccountShh echoed this sentiment, saying that the poster should sign up for a dating app and declare “‘I am a straight man, I am just curious to give oral and/or be penetrated but I don’t want to kiss or cuddle etc just purely want to experiment.’ There are definitely going to be some people who are cool with it as they just want a hookup or whatever.”

Meanwhile, user waffleyan suggested a gay bar, and even gave advice on how he should go about getting a hookup. According to him, the user should “Be very upfront about (t. Usually in a conversation people will ask how long you’ve been out, if you’re single or what you are looking for in the bar. You can use these opportunities to explain your situation!”

But we want to hear what you Adam4Adam blog readers think. If someone who was going to try gay sex for the first time approached you for advice, what tips would you give them? Share it with us in the comment section below!

There are 52 comments

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  1. HungBlkTop4Fun

    The most important advice you can give someone who is getting ready to have their first experience is this… Don’t let your partner talk you into doing something that you are not completely comfortable with & ready to do. Simple.

    • Ryan M.

      My first note is that I don’t like to give advice as there are so many variables to apply.

      Otherwise, I can share my experiences and what I could have done differently. My first experience was with a man of whom he and I were 18 and lived in different cities. I would have liked it to have continued, but distance ultimately divided us.

      I will share my next sexual encounter that continued on way too long but only because of my lack of being outgoing and also not being cognizant of my right to stand for my needs. I was 18 at the beginning, and he was 30. He topped and did not allow me to top. He did not use condoms. He lived about 1,000 miles away and had a way with words. His words won, and I traveled to him on more than one occasion. I regret it all. Was it my fault? I don’t know.

  2. Daniel

    Don’t believe anything that anyone (strangers) tells you – people lie. Know your status. Practice safe sex. Meet in public first and get to know someone if possible. Set boundaries. Don’t let anyone encourage you to do something you are not comfortable with. Your first time should be memorable – not something you will become ashamed of.

  3. brad

    Hmmm… a 20-year old who just got out of a 14-year relationship… that’s a little alarming…

    But regardless, the advice I’d offer is to just be patient. It will all happen when it’s supposed to happen. Trying to rush it, force it or pay for it is a certain recipe for disaster. One day you will be a party, at the gym or at the grocery store and a conversation will turn into a meeting which will turn into exactly what you’re hoping for.

    I can promise you the first time won’t be the best time, but a little patience will make it a more positive and comfortable experience – one you can tell your kids about in 20 years!!!

  4. Joe Miccio

    If you are looking for your first gay experience with a guy, find someone who is older and more experienced in the bed. I have popped a few cherries in my time and I always treated the newbie with love and respect. I wanted his first to be memorable exploring every nook and cranny. Responding what he liked and didn’t like is so rewarding for both of us.

    • doug

      I started late. I was 55 he was 32. He knew it was my first time. He used a lot of lube and was so gentle. I could not of asked for a better first time experience. His uncut cock went in easily and I loved the feel of his hairy body on mine. I will always hold that time in my heart!

    • Jer

      that is some bullshit advice to give anyone new or not……you clearly are the kinda guy only about hookups and sex and meaningless crap that gay men engage in far too much and far too often…..

  5. Lamar

    For a first time, I think you should meet someone in the bar, ’cause you can see them face to face; better more thorough conversation, obviously carry a fresh condom or two. Hold off on oral, though, unfortunately; you’re odds of contracting an infection/s orally are very high these days, as we live in an increasingly unforgiving, selfish, reckless world; circumstantially, speaking.

    It’s horrible to say or assume, perhaps, but I feel that gay men are just typically messier ’cause many tend to be very self-centered/serving-selfish. (I’m here in Soflo) though; highest rate of new infections across the board, for these reasons mentioned.

    !!!You know what, come to thing of it, I think this is where bi-men can really help each other out because they’re safer for each other, really and honestly. I’m not tryin’ to demonize gay men; unfortunately for reasons mention, they tend to victimize each other, clearly, you know, “having fun” not utilizing the gift of caution/discernment or monogamy.

    • PornAddict

      Worst reply ever! PORN is not an educational tool. I’ve NEVER seen a cock bigger than abt 7″. Plus porn these days is more like rape with choking and strangling. I would never want to have sex with a porn star.

      • big is good.

        If you never seen a dick bigger that 7″ you don’t know the right guys. I have seen, sucked and been fucked by lots of guys who have 8, 9 and 10 inch Dicks.

  6. Hunter0500

    He could open a profile on a site like A4A. He should check other guys’ profiles for picture ideas and include some pictures of himself, face not necessary. Neither is a gaping hole. Maybe torso or cock to start. He should be specific in his profile that he’s looking for a guy or guys to get to know who will meet with him before bedding to shepherd him through his first time. He should go with the guy who after discussions and a meeting or two his gut tells him is the guy to be his first.

  7. Do you care

    My advice is that the gay community is not some haven of acceptance and love as it’s often times portrayed. It’s a lot of toxic, insecure, ppl who you should protect yourself from.

  8. Harvey

    “‘I am a straight man, I am just curious to give oral and/or be penetrated but I don’t want to kiss or cuddle etc just purely want to experiment.’

    Fantasy or denial, mofo you ain’t straight

  9. Tim

    My advice would be #1 Be safe. Be prepared with your own condoms and lube. #2 Be selective. When the time and the vibe are right you’ll know it. An inconsiderate clod could ruin an otherwise enjoyable experience.


    If someone is about to have gay sex for the first time, I would advise him to chose someone special to have it with rather than hookups. I believe someone having sex for the first time should experience how good and wonderful it is than the pleasure involved.

  11. ButtFucker

    You need to be upfront with the guy and tell him its your first. pick a smaller cock, and make sure he spends some time opening you up with a soapy shower, a long rim job, then fingers with lube, and then sit on his cock slowly controlling the entry.

  12. Tavion

    Use a condom, plenty of lube, and trust no one’s status. Know who you date, make sure he has something to lose. Stay away from druggies, and other idiots as well

    • billy

      The hell if you don’t. As you never know if there will be another! (so probably not the best analogy. lol)

      Not necessarily you Jared, but Everyone is posting like the dude is a straight up 13yo virgin.. Well, he’s not! He just hasn’t had the joy of playing with cocks other than his own. I’m pretty sure he’s not looking for a love interest, just for some sweaty fun sex, and is asking how best to find and approach another guy to do the deed.

  13. buz

    Do all the above. It will happen when you are ready for it to happen. Just make sure you are ready. Don’t do anything you are uncomfortable with or with anyone that makes you uncomfortable.
    You will know when the right opportunity arises just don’t be pressured by anyone or anything.
    Enjoy, life is wonderful and there is something to be gained from every experience.
    Good luck…

  14. gtownbottom

    What Advice Would I Give A Gay First-Timer? LoL, Reconsider Your Sexuality, Go Straight And Fight Your Feelings, Stay Off A4A, Grindr, M4SN, Squirt, Manhunt, Etc., Get Yourself A Decent Girl. If You’re Gonna Be Gay/Bi, Be A Total Top .

  15. Neon

    So my advice depends. Going online, like this article says is a good idea, I think. If the gay virgin thinks they want to do oral and possibly be penetrated for the first time – BE CAUTIOUS!! There are gays like me who (no offense intended) don’t want to have ANYTHING sexually to do with virgins. So be honest!

    On the other hand there are some gay men who (like some straights) fetishize gay virgins. I know a virgin who someone tried to pressure into full oral, and he’d never done oral before. He stood up for himself so he didn’t go further than he wanted. If it winds up being the 4th, 5th, 6th or whatever guy who you decide to service (or be penetrated by), FOR REAL, don’t worry. Take your time and don’t deal with experienced gays who want to use you to simply put another notch in their belt. They got another virgin!! hehe. Anyway, take your time and stop whenever you no longer feel comfortable. Try to be with a guy who is patient and won’t get pissy if you won’t service him completely or if you at times are hesitant (it IS your first time after all)!

    Another recommendation would be to learn online, like this article suggests. After you’ve studied and investigated sufficiently try to seek out someone who too is a virgin and, hopefully, they won’t care if your first oral doesn’t go beyond a mere taste. Similarly if you are naturally hesitant regarding anal. Hopefully you will both be patient.

    Know too that there is mutual masturbation, kissing, cuddling, frottage so that you can resort to oral/anal LATER when you are more comfortable with your man in general. I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANY VIRGIN GIVING THEIR VIRGINITY TO A STRANGER!!! I’ve Been sexually active for decades and sex with strangers has never been that comfortable or natural for me. Much less if I were a virgin.

    Hope this helps,
    All the best!

  16. James7890

    Well if your going to have intercourse for the first time and it is just a casual hookup, be prepared if you bottom make sure your bum hole is entirely cleaned out, and your rectal hole, make sure you at least maybe get to know the guy or person before you go ahead and decide to actually have sex for the first time with them, you can’t really take a chance on getting HIV or some other disease, so make sure you wear a condom, or if he is the Top that he for certain wears a condom before he sticks his Dick into your welcome hole, also make sure they are very good condoms yes you might have to actually spend some money to get good ones, but make sure they are durable ones and of high quality rubber or lambskin, get a good lube that is not water based, again you might have to spend some money on this kind of product, protection is very important, it is not just HIV Aids now days, you can get Herpes simplex even though it is not usually a fatal or deadly still you could still get it even if a condom is used, maybe ask them when their last blood test was for all these things and have them show you proof, also do not rely on someone telling you that they are on prep or something like that to help prevent AIDS or other diseases, because it had been shown that drugs like prep, and others on the market are still not entirely full proof, because there still have been claims made that young gay guys, have been lied to and still have gotten HIV even though the guy or guys they have had hookups with, lied about having it or had gotten it even though they were on prep or a similar drug, again condoms are still your best line of defense against diseases especially AIDS, be very careful and never ever take anyone’s word for it especially if your the one bottoming.

  17. Michael

    Don’t be smooth talked in to doing it bareback because its going to feel better…try to figure out the guy as best as possible to make sure he’s not cray cray…use lube..take it slowly until your anal muscles are relaxed and ready..don’t think he’s the one and fall in love with are not his first and he’s only going to call you when he’s looking for some ass..if he turns out to be a nice guy..lucky you..otherwise move on !!

  18. Guy

    If you have a good partner, he’ll help you relax and and go slow as he starts to enter you. He should have tongue fucked you, finger fucked you and maybe used a small dildo to start stretching you and having you open up during foreplay. Of course he should be using a lot of lube while doing these things to you. There is never too much lube the first time and after you’ve accommodated his cock and he’s taking longer strokes, if there’s still a large amount of lube around, then you can wipe a little off and let your partner get a tight ass jolt for getting that cherry from you like a pro.

  19. Barry

    My advice is to never do anything you are not comfortable doing and never do anything you do not want to do, no matter how hard your partner begs or tries to talk you into it.

    As for your first time getting fucked. Along with some of the good advice noted above, my advice here is go slow and use lots of lube. Have the top kind of tease your hole with his dick using little jabs but not entering just yet. Then when you are feeling like you are ready to take his dick have him enter your ass. It usually will hurt the first time (and can hurt other times too) and if it hurts too much ask him to pull out. Ask him to add more lube to his dick and your asshole, and then after a minute have him penetrate you again. The second penetration is always so much easier.

  20. RockstarWorld

    Run, the majority of gay men are lying whores and if you’re not careful you’ll catch something. Not to mention the stats on who’s still spreading hiv, black and latino you’re up first. Black men especially being 70% of all new hiv cases every year are black men.

  21. J P

    Don’t let your sexuality be the single thing that defines you, it is just one of many things that make up the person you are.

    People rush into relationships too fast. Learn to be friends first. It takes at least six months before you start to really know someone and not just the image they chose to show you. Getting to know someone first I have found leads to a relationship that lasts years. Becoming ‘lovers’ after a month or so is absurd, you have watched too many romcoms, and 99% of the time you will be single and looking for your next ‘lover’ in 3 months. Getting to know someone means that after the initial excitement, you are often left with a wonderful friend if they aren’t that ‘MR. Right’ you had hoped for.

    Everyone knows that unprotected sex can lead to HIV. No matter what line your partner feeds you, unless you are trying to support a child for 18 years, or you are suicidal, use a condom.

  22. Hadron

    I’ve never had sex at age 43…i was way too religious and tried to be holy and pure like Jesus and the Apostles…and thought I would be guaranteed eternal life after death if I stayed a virgin..( a big Santa Claus story I fell for ) . now I’ve lost my sex doesn’t matter to me…but I like the circus show here at Adam.

    My advice to religious virgins…If you want to be resurrected after death then have your body frozen and a cryonics institution or be buried in a ice glacier where you can.

    To support our United Nations protected treaty rights the US Congress approved, I would like to cite the following:

    The Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment (commonly known as the United Nations Convention against Torture (UNCAT)) is an international human rights treaty, under the review of the United Nations, that aims to prevent torture and other acts of cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment or punishment around the world.

    Article 1.1 of the Convention defines torture as:

    For the purpose of this Convention, the term “torture” means any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him, or a third person, information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity. It does not include pain or suffering arising only from, inherent in, or incidental to, lawful sanctions.

  23. Ken94110

    Run! Save yourself!! It’s too late for us!!! There’s NO future in gay life, especially when you become old and out of circulation! We all know that women are sensual and emotional and men are physical and visual. It’s the very reason two men eventually get bored having sex with each other; looking elsewhere, having highways, byways, 3ways, or resort to “open relationships”(except in most cases the unsuspecting lover doesn’t know he’s in an O.R. and being cheated on)! If you’re going to exclaim, like the majority of gays, that you’re a dime-a-dozen bottom, you better have a hot perky ass and experiment with bottoming in your teens, 20’s, & 30’s because there is nothing more repulsive to an ageist child molesting top than a wrinkly old bottom! Meaning, as you reach into your 40’s, you better become a top! I did the reverse, I was a total top all my life, now in my 50’s, most tops, my own age, cringe at topping me; and I’m fit and very muscular!!!!!! Because they don’t own a mirror or soul mirror! Believe me, if there were no laws or legal age restrictions, many of these would-be tops, wouldn’t hesitate to molest a 12 year old boy!

  24. Frankie

    I was that guy, but in my 40s…I was lucky to meet a couple awesome gay men who guiding me through the process at my own pace. Now I am fully able to admit I am gay and enjoy gay sex. Thanks to those men that guided me out of the closet with compassion…and hot times.

  25. bjjj

    My advice is learning to relax during a hookup or new sexual encounter. I know it’s hard for guys to relax especially if one meets for a first time. It’s like what’s he thinking or wanting, and your partner is thinking the same of you. If your partner doesn’t want to do something, by all means respect it, but explore and find out what each other enjoys. Don’t be afraid to suggest. Suggest like “is it ok if I rim your ass” or ” do you like to swallow cum?”, etc. Of course play safe, and don’t be afraid to ask things like are you negative or disease free. Also take things slow. It’s not a race. See if he likes to kiss or cuddle, if not respect it. If so go for it. Also don’t make an issue or looks, size, race, or culture. Were all people with desires and wants. Remember not everyone is into anal fucking, some would rather just suck and or get off. Enjoy and explore each other. Don’t be afraid to let your partner explore yourself. It’s like once I’m naked hey I”m yours, do what you want. If he does something you don’t like just a simple “no thanks, or I don’t do that” is sufficient. Most important Enjoy! Just say hey it’s ok, enjoy me as well. Also make sure you keep everything in confidence, and be discreet. My BF is black and I am white, and although with some people we keep things quiet, but I have no problem with others knowing about us being together. My BF and I hardly ever talk about our skin color differences. Honest it’s doesn’t matter to us, and if it does to others, well it’s their problem. Just find a nice cozy place to get together, relax, enjoy. Personally I am proud to have others see us together, hold hands, kiss, etc. Most of all have fun.

  26. Hadron

    A lot of us need help, therefore security from death is important. Can you be frozen after death for under $3000 USD with the hope of being preserved for a medical resurrection one day ? How can you help yourself and Greenland’s Inuit youth ? Can you be frozen after death for under $3000 USD – if you can get your dead body to the cemetery in Tasiilaq Greenland they have a natural crynic ice cemetery holding hundreds ?

    I just watched a youtube video named : ” The despair of Greenland’s Inuit youth ” with a highest rate of suicides in the world , perhaps they can help bury our deceased people in cryonic ice cemeteries for cryopreservation for a future medical resurrection of the dead body.

      • Handron

        That post has more value to others, than the nonsensical advice being giving on here – and when the first timer and others eventually die, then what ? follow advice from a sex addict ?

  27. kab1200

    I would say, go slow, and respect yourself. Don’t just try to get your rocks off. Maybe get to know someone so you have a connection, etc. It’s easy for guys to get sex, but if you want more, then you have to lay the ground work for that.

  28. Jer

    one be yourself……and give people a chance…. do be safe whoever you meet for a first time……Ive met guys at bars, places near where i have worked….guys who have worked nearby… ive met some thru people ive known……but yes………from on line but usually at a public place…….but i have even had them come to my place for a first time to meet……i chatted with them for abit ….and i would meet them out in front of my place……no harm there but im ready to kick some ass if theres trouble or some BS gonna come my way……..but do be cautious ……DONT GET CAUGHT UP IN THE GAY DRAMA OF HOOKUPS SEX AND JUST GETTIN IT IN….THATS ALL BULLSHIT….AND ITS RISKY AS HELL… if you are up to meetin someone new….do it…..go for it….but do be safe….try to get to know them b4 actually meetin thru text or a phone call A FEW TIMES ….meet someone where you might both like ..a bar or go have a meal……get a drink……meet at a park or somewhere in public is usually best ….but see how things go……dont get caught up in the rapture of having sex….if it happens…so be it…..but dont get your heart broken over it….and theres some comments that say dont get into a relationship too fast…..if its there…… YOU CANT CONTROL WHO YOU LIKE….EVEN IF ITS SUDDEN OR INSTANTLY …..
    BUT where can you go wrong……you might have met your guy….but do get to know each other and give each other a fair chance……if a one time meeting and its no sparks cool…..but dont be scared to get to know each other either if that vibe is there……

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