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Adam4Adam blog readers who are on the down low, what does it really feel like living “on the DL”?
The term “men on the down low” (often abbreviated as “DL”) refers to men who are typically in heterosexual relationships or identify as heterosexual but also engage in sexual encounters or relationships with other men in secret. Reportedly, this concept gained attention within the context of the African American and Latino communities, where there can be significant stigma and discrimination associated with homosexuality.
It’s essential to recognize that the term “on the down low” has been criticized for reinforcing stereotypes and oversimplifying complex sexual behaviors and identities. Men who engage in secret same-sex relationships may do so for various reasons, including societal pressures, fear of discrimination, or a lack of acceptance within their communities or families. Let us all approach discussions about sexuality and identity with sensitivity and without perpetuating stereotypes.
Anyway, we are bringing this up because of stories we read online about how heartbreaking it is for men to live on the DL. Stories like this one. As to why some gay men live on the down low, one netizen posited, “I think more men would be openly bisexual (dating and hooking up with both men and women) if there were no social/religious stigma. That’s what keeps these guys closeted/DL much of the time.”
Do you agree with that comment, guys?
Having said all that, would you say there are a lot of men who are on the down low/DL or are closeted bisexuals? Moreover, would you have sex with married/discreet men?
The opinion on this issue varies. One gay man said he won’t have sex with married men, “I won’t knowingly engage in a situation wherein there would be someone who would be VERY upset to know I exist.” Meanwhile, another man shared, “I’m married, in an open relationship and regularly hookup with married/DL guys. I stay out of their business and they stay out of mine.” He added, “End of story.”
What about you guys, what are your thoughts on this one? Share with us your opinions and stories in the comments section below.
This subject is my entire life and its been confusing, hard and I don’t wish it on noone. As a religious black man, this has haunted me all my life. All ways looking over my shoulders. Wondering who know, hoping I never get outed. Fell in love with my high school sweetheart, married her and started a family. Didn’t cheat at all until she cheated on me. We eventually divorced. I suppressed my desire to be with men until I got in my forties and haven’t looked back. Still on the down low because I don’t want to hurt my… Read more »
Where are you hailing from Marcus?
The great wolverine state of Michigan. You?
same here Wolverine state
What makes you think they will be hurt? It hurts them far more that you lie to them or conceal your true self. Set an example for them.
Do you know me? Do you know my kids? Are you a trained professional therapist? “Fake Fathers that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Have a good evening and happy hunting for multiple dicks on a4a Mr. High morals person.
are you really that delusional?
“what makes you think they would be hurt?
Let’s say you husbans come out as straight after 20 years, come on.
That’s utter BS. With all the psycho-tards in the gay world why would anybody want to associate themselves with the stereotype? He did set an example – he didn’t visit all the crap of that association upon his kids.
Father, as a guy who presents as Straight because that’s how I was born, look and act, the sudden revelation of Gayness for the family, children, friends, coworkers, employees, etc. can have profound negative effects. Others are involved. It’s not “just about me.” Guys who whose sexuality lit up in the 1930s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s understand the social pressures that were present back then. Guys who did since the 80s have had it progressively easier … to the point where they can’t understand any fears older guys would have about being Gay today. Yes, the leopard CAN change… Read more »
Absolutely spot on! Around 30years ago, give or take, the most profound change in societal attitudes changed for the better, monumentously, such that younger people just cannot understand emotionally (as opposed to intellectually) how ‘being gay’ was in earlier times. Sometimes social closets just do not need to be rearranged.
I think you are being a bit harsh.
I could have written the same thing…our stories sound very similar…except I am still married. A religious black man here also who struggled since junior high school with same sex attraction….finally acting on it my jr year in high school. I too married my high school sweetheart and love everything about my marriage and my life but I also still had this otherside that dealt with. Over the past several years I’ve accepted that it’s a part of who I am. I am a black DL man who has a great marriage and when the urge hits…I have very passionate… Read more »
Kevin, I would like to chat with you as well.
Hit me up Blktxn69
I’m a black man as well, and yes I’m married to a beautiful woman,,we don’t have sex but maybe once a month or sometime once every 2 month,, so I have a man as well I’m on the DL, a 100% bottom,, I’m not proud of it in fact I use to feel embarrassed of myself,,, I still feel guilty but I come to realize it’s a part of me,, but I feel like if as long as I’m not hurting her and she’s happy,,why can’t I get my rocks off
Live your life one day at a time brother. It’s not your fault that our mighty God created you and God makes no mistakes. Keep doing you. My only concern is that you always continue to use protection because you don’t want to give her anything. The guilt would be unbearable for you.
Like “In the closet” and even “bisexual”, the label “on the down low” is another hateful, negative, derogatory term levied by militant members of “The Community” on Gay men who choose, as is their absolute right, to reveal their sexuality as they choose. . Widely made known on The Oprah Winfrey Show some two decades ago when an exposee was done on a married, Black father who had ongoing sex with Gay men. It was not complimentary. There’s nothing positive about the word “down”. There’s nothing positive about the word “low”. Together, they are as dark as “in the closet.”… Read more »
When the ‘down low’ was first ‘coined’…I’d say in the 80’s..I have to admit I was a part of the lifestyle. Talking to guys, I’d say ‘yo, I’m DL’ with confidence. As I started learning about being DL, I found that it was mainly about maintaining or creating the image that I was into females OR cared about their perception of me. I later realized ‘why the fuck would I care about what a female thinks of me’? I also realized ‘why am I giving something like a female, so much power’? I found it more embarssing that I actually… Read more »
For me it is nothing more or less than the way I personally experience and enjoy my sex ! Nobodys business unless I want it to be.I refuse to make my life and how I live it an issue for exploitation by the powerful to be manipulated into a means of forwarding some fabricated agenda, designed only for the real purpose of concentrating more power for the powerful, at the cost of all of our freedom to be who we are !!!! Just the way I see it, I don’t care if anyone agrees or disagrees……. : )
Amazing how militant some can get on this subject. As a bi man there is an extra complication. Being on the DL for me isn’t about pretending to like women but really liking guys. It’s about having a deep loving relationship with a woman and our family that I wouldn’t give up for anything, but yet having an equally intense desire for a guy. Life would be far easier to only like one sex and not have the distraction, believe me. It’s pretty mind bending to be with my wife and think “holy shit she is hot, sexy and my… Read more »
We’re sure on the same page. See my post below. One thing I didn’t address is the guilt – yes, it’s taken me years and years of practice to be able to handle the guilt!
Well said! I could only think about women when I was young, but while I wasn’t particularly interested in guys’ bodies, I didn’t think it was terrible for two guys who were attracted to one another to engage in sex. What I didn’t realize at the time was that, as we fully mature, physiological needs can play havoc with men. Our “program” is to want sex, and it was nature’s plan that having enough sex would probably lead to some reproduction (for every living thing, nature pushes for reproduction). And there’s a fact that plenty of married men know –… Read more »
Thanks for sharing……You know, there are probably more people out there that understand what we are talking about than I ever realized. For me at home is not an issue. I have plenty of very satisfying hetero sex, so my issue isn’t lack at home. I do feel for those who have that issue, but I’m always happy to eagerly help…..lol.
I understand that but it’s still wrong to cheat on your wife. Married guys on this app run through so many bodies, then use the DL thing as an excuse. Secretly liking men is one thing, but other women’s health is being put at risk. If a guy has a high sex drive he shouldn’t be in a monogamous relationship. That’s just my opinion. So for me being bi isn’t the issue. Guys should just do it when they’re single. The whole idea of finding something “missing at home” is bull crap.
“missing at home”? kinda reminds me of that Cherelle song, honey .. “you give me attention, your someone that understands my needs, a man who is sensitive .. eve-ry-thing i miss at home .. “
Same here buddy! Same here!
Well said, married for 40 years here but still crave the touch of a man occasionly. Love feeling a cock grow bigger and harder in my mouth. Being with a guy is so differwnt then being with a gal.
Love the wife, but being with a guy occasionally completes me
when I started this I felt so much guilt. A guilt nobody has mentioned was that being the third wheel in a married man’s relationship. I enjoyed the sex but felt bad being in their bed. Leaning over their desk at work and looking at their beautiful family pictures felt hot but also made me feel guilty.
I’m 63 and have been married to my wife since the mid-80s. I’m as “DL” as they come. My wife, family, friends, even my general doctor all have no idea. I’ve been turned on by guys since my mid-teens, had my first gay sex experience at 18, but all along I’ve wanted and needed a hetero life. The list of reasons is seemingly endless, but I’ll try to do so succinctly: 1. Humiliation: In my HS growing up, in a heavily Liberal part of NY no less, guys were ridiculed for the slightest non-macho thing (eg: “you fag!”). 2. As… Read more »
Thank you for sharing. I think your reasons are legitimate, but in a way it seems you’re trying to “justify” infidelity rather than take responsibility. It’s not ok to put someone else’s life and health at risk. I’m not saying this about you in particular, but I’ve come across married men who are running buck wild without a care in the world. It just seems very unfair to list all the reasons why you need this lifestyle, but what about the women? They didn’t ask for this nor deserve it.
Look! Some people (men and women) are born gay to one extent or other. Until society (read here into the word “society” all the idiot religious entities who rant and rave cluelessly about the Leviticus “sin” or however the religion terms it) comes to terms with biological realities, accommodations will continue to be required. When mothers and fathers are having “the talk” with their approaching adolescent children, why are they not informing them that some people out there are gay and that before marrying, the facts should be ascertained. Women notoriously do not use good sense in choosing their male… Read more »
Your post could be me writing. Totally the same thing.
Thanks for writing
To Joshua, I feel about 99.99% confident I’ve never endangered my wife in any way/shape/form. I trust no one, period. Therefore, I have to trust my safe sex instincts. That said, I’ve come across other BiMMs on a4a or other sites who aren’t as over-the-top careful as I am. Some seem to be downright UNsafe and dangerous. Those are the types you’re referring to and who make me scratch my head.
To Bimmw1, long ago I resigned myself to accepting that my lust for homosex will never leave me, so might as well make the most of it – SAFELY.
That’s great you are so diligent about your safe sex practices….
But….Can You Get an STD from Kissing?Certain sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and diseases (STDs) — including herpes simplex virus and cytomegalovirus — can be transmitted through kissing. Others can be transmitted orally.STD from Kissing: Diseases, Symptoms, and More (healthline.com)
You’re certainly right about that. I guess if were are, say, 10 different ways of getting an STD from M-M intimacy, I thoroughly guard against 90% of them, as kissing is the one thing I don’t avoid and basically rely on looking closely at a guy’s lips for herpes warts, etc. So far, after some 45 years of this, so good. But hey, you do make a good point, and I guess that’s The One risk I do take.
I certainly have no problem with how you choose to lead your life…..However….at this stage in life..it would be great and wise if you found a Dr you could fully trust. I have a gay Dr… even he says that while we think of all men as “equal”… there can be some differences in treatment to those who engage in LGBTQ+ activities (LGBTQ+ simply being politically correct LOL) Good luck to you.
Appreciate the suggestion and it’s a good one – really. My problem is, my wife and I see the same doc and while I’m sure he’d totally respect my privacy, I simply am unable to look him or anyone in my straight life in the eye and own up to what I do.
In an “Utopian World,” there would be no need to be on the “DL”.
However, neither the world not its inhabitants are perfect and omniscient, there will always be the
need for discretion of varying degrees?
Let’s not confuse “DL” with “Discretion”. Discretion is “Private” not “Public.”
As it is already written:
“Public Faces; Private Lives”!
A realistic approach not just for sex but societal behavior. A practice of “Moderation” where most of
Humanity resides…
In “Medias Res”.
I grew up in a world of hate, violence, ridicule, abandonment, and indifference. It was a very lonely, scary, and dangerous place. I was forced to pick a point on the spectrum of suicide to survive. Die to live. Doesn’t make sense in plain English. But it’s the only thing that makes sense to a little faggot trying to survive in a world filled with people like you. What you call the “closet” or “downlow” is nothing other than the developmental carnage inflicted by an, all too often, lethal form of accepted child abuse. One doesn’t “come out”… one achieves,… Read more »
They have little to give, emotionally. They are fraidy-cats. With all the work done for equality over so many years, many of them are insulting us. Some just think they are more sexy. Some just can’t commit to being gay. Some just use men as sexual tools. Whatever.
As if all gay men can give something emotionally, HA, what a joke. You seriously believe this stuff you’re spouting? Do you seriously believe self preservation is being a fraidy cat? For some, they could lose practically everything should they be found out. When is the last time you took a risk like that? But you probably don’t have a wife, kids, or grandkids so you wouldn’t know anything about that little complication, would you. News flash – some of them ARE more sexy and gay guys use people as sexual tools, too. To reiterate something I said before, why… Read more »
You know, I’m not entirely sure I ever knew exactly what that meant; other than some sort of deceitful way of denying to oneself, etc., your bisexuality.
Except for a brief stint in my early to mid 20s, I’ve been closeted. I enjoyed my time out, but I also wanted to have a wife and children. So I got married and now have kids and grandkids. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard for, so I live in the down low. My wife found out and we went thru a rough patch. Now it’s an unspoken thing. We have a great marriage. But I enjoy my sex with men. I’m ok with how this has worked out. Had I remained out I wouldn’t have… Read more »
l lived in the closet and on the down low for many years… I have a great understanding of it and a compassion for those still living this way. Even in this day, it can be a huge personal step, through unknowns, to first accept who you are without guilt and shame, and then hope that others who you care about will also accept you. Then, there is the hard times of traveling through it – coming out, that is, and even worse, being found out, or forced out. Some men simply cannot live anywhere else than on the down-low.… Read more »
It’s amazing that some people have to be so judgemental about someone’s stance or reason for what they believe. Most, if not all of us have had to make decisions that have been very difficult to make due to what others will think of us or our decisions can hurt others. Each of us have to make the decision s that best suit us.
There is nothing wrong with being judgmental; in fact, learning how to be judgmental is pretty much what is entailed in the concept of “growing up.” What is wrong is if one is stupidly, ignorantly judgmental. That is inexcusable. If such same-sex attractions exist, one has been born with them (i.e., one does not “choose” to be gay). Throughout that person’s life difficult decisions and compromises will be required to be made. One size does not fit all. However, bad decisions can be and are made, and it is not wrong to point out the flaws. But, also, the person… Read more »
A big BTW here: Has anyone been watching the new Showtime series “Fellow Travelers?” It’s ALL about DL.
I’m married 52 to a female. I look and act masculine nobody suspects that I like to receive oral sex from guys. I used this website to satisfy my needs when I need it. I have received the best oral sex from 2 guys that I met here.
In the past I was on the “DL”, but had no one to confide with regarding my SSA. I believe My family have know for years before I told my Mom/Sis that I’m Bi/have SSA. If others outside my Family knows or don’t know, that’s fine with me. I have no desires to tell Ppl I have SSA/Bi. Im still Amazed how Ppl “Need” to know another person’s sexuality as if knowing will enhance their lives for the better! Being on the “DL” is very hard on a person mentally, emotionally, spiritually and overall well-being. I am glad that I… Read more »
It’s interesting to hear all the different reasons why guys are on the down low. I’m on the DL for multiple reasons. First of all, my wife decided she didn’t like sex after our youngest was born. And since then she’s kinda let herself go. So it’s been over 10 years now since we’ve had sex. I have always had a strong sex drive, so I couldn’t just go without. Although women do attract me, my lust for cock grows daily. I originally sucked my first cock when I was a young boy. Cock made me hot then, and it… Read more »
Very much like you Alex. Wife lost interest in sex shortly after our kids went to college over a decade ago. I was miserable, but found a Plan B … opened the door to my attraction to men. I felt guilt at first. Early in my adult life I had prayed to not be Gay. That wasn’t His plan. So once I put Plan B in place, it was my goal do as He asked me and be the best all around guy I could … whether as a husband, dad and worker OR as a Gay guy. That freed… Read more »
Why wouldn’t I want to have sex with a married guy!! I’m not trying to steal him from his wife or break up his family ~ I’m with him for some occ companionship, pleasure, fun, and sexual satisfaction. I couldn’t CARE LESS if anyone disapproves of it – I have NO guilt, which is a worthless emotion anyway!!! They can take their opinions and SHOVE them – they aren’t PAYING my bills!!! From the President to the POPE – they can think what the HELL they want but I won’t CHANGE a thing about my life 🙂
I’m a married bisexual top and my wife is bi too and knows all I do. Most of the men I have befriended over the years were closeted, married bi men who’s wives have cut off their sex life. They see me to get the sex they need that their wives deny them. I see that as horribly unfair and I am happy to meet their needs.
DL is commonly used to refer to those in same sex relationships that want some action on the side. Not just used to label hetero relationships.
Part 1 Yes, the social/religious ideas of bi and gay men has been a problem in this country as well as many others. However, it is every man’s choice to come out or not. If they CHOOSE not to, that is on them. There are too many horror stories for people who did come out so I find it hard to feel bad for people that want to stay in the closet. It is a choice. Part 2 Personally I do not date or hook up knowingly with married men. If I find out that they are married, I tell… Read more »
I agree:
re Part 1. By the time I turned 14, I had suffered one’s lifetime’s quota of society’s abuse. I had already “taken one for the team,” so risking potential exposure now to the problematical “social/religious ideas” by rearranging one’s social closet has no present appeal nor obvious benefit.
re Part 2. Although I think in general one should be responsible for the quality of one’s own interpersonal relationships, I likewise would not want to risk acquiring the burden of contributing to the potential harm resulting from someone else’s cheating.
“sometimes ya feel like a cock, sometimes a cunt .. men shonuff got nuts, but the ladies don’t, BECAUSE .. sometimes ya feel like cocks, sometimes cunts .. “
i’m the DL too, honey, but only because i gotta impress the family and never myself .. apparently, that’s like living a life of hell .. trying to appease others but never yourself .. living a lie for 50+ years is never fun
I wouldn’t be too hard on oneself by terming it “living a lie.” Any individual’s tolerance for dealing with society’s condemnations varies greatly, which necessitates acceptance of a variety of ways to deal with a DL issue. Suppose one were to meet and mutually fall in love with the man of one’s dreams…? Might not that justify making a “decision for myself” as the benefit would outweigh the negative “family aspect”—the negative family can like it or lump it. On the other hand, if one has NOT (yet) met that man of dreams, then just maybe the DL approach is… Read more »
I’m in a long-term relationship with my gf, and I’m a DL total bottom. So here’s my 2 cents: Let’s establish that cheating is not good regardless of gender or orientation. Whatever the reason, it’s selfish and our gfs/wives wouldn’t like it. So yes, I can be selfish and not good at times. The best I can do is not to rush into anything, get to know the man, and be safe. No risky business just because I can’t have a baby, lol. But even then, if we knew each other well enough, long enough, and we had an understanding,… Read more »
I agree,,I am married and I still love my wife and pussy,, I’m a Black man that’s very masculine and dominant,, in my appearance,,( but very submissive behind closed doors when bottoming),probably that guy you work with,,I’ve been on the DL for yrs, and I’m also a 100%bottom, I’ve tried over and over to stop and sometimes I go for months at a time without getting fucked,, but then between the strong urge and my top calling me gets the best of me,,(it is a wonderful feeling to have anutha man wanting you in that way) I’m not sure how… Read more »
I have a unique take on this topic. I started out my life thinking I had to be with a woman, but was fortunate to be living at a time where all of this was changing. I gained a comfort of who I was early on and set out to live openly. I’ve been with my husband for 26 years, there is a significant age difference, but it never was an issue until it was. So I joined this site 4.5 yrs ago, and I met a man that was married, never had been with another man, and was at… Read more »