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Is it true that some gay men have an aversion to long-term relationships? What do you think, guys? Based on your own experience, would you say that this statement is true?
We are asking because we often read about this sentiment online, the latest being this particular discussion on askgaybros wherein a Redditor wondered: “Why is it so hard for gay men to be in a relationship?” He elaborated, “The vast majority of LGBT/gay men that I know are single, in their 30s, and have never held a serious relationship. The same guys claim to want a relationship… or are “LTR oriented” but don’t know how to compromise when it comes down to it.”
The thread generated an interesting discussion. One gay man replied, “Gay guys with women.” While another elaborated, “Meaning they’re closeted and marry women to present as living a normal life. Or they are bi and just happened to be with a woman at that point of their life, but want to hook up with men on the DL.”
As you know, some gay men choose to be in a relationship with women instead of their fellow gay men but I think this is because homophobia remains prevalent to this day. As a result, some gay and bisexual men would publicly identify themselves as heterosexual but secretly, they would have sex with other men or have relationships with fellow gay and bisexual men on the side though they keep it on the down low.
Meanwhile, quite a number of gay men on the aforementioned thread above agreed that it is true: gay men, they say, fear long-term relationships. Just look at the gay men on dating apps they say, where most of those men are looking for hookups only.
For this part, well, we always say, that Adam4Adam is what you make it. Whether you are here for networking or because you are looking for hookups only, or for boyfriends, husbands, partners, or friends, I say Adam4Adam is always here to help you accomplish that. We would like to reiterate that A4A is not just a hookup app. In fact, over the years we’ve featured couples like Fanon and Ray and Sergeant Jose Angel Corchado Chavez and his husband Arthur, who met each other thru Adam4Adam. There were also Adam and Jeremy, A4A’s tattooed husbands, Richard and Jay, Dan and Kurt, among many others.
On the other hand, there are some guys who attested that they know gay men who are in same-sex long-term relationships. I can personally attest to this as well, I know gay couples who got married, and got a house together complete with a picket fence where they lived with their cats, dogs, and adopted children — you know, the whole nine yards.
Further, other gay men advised that if you are looking for a long-term relationship, you can’t just look at the club scene. One guy said, “When you and your friends are focused on the club scene or the next circuit party, you’ve limited your experience of other gays. Meet people doing what you enjoy and don’t make being gay your only personality trait.” Read the entire thread here.
Anyway, my take on this topic is this: each and every one of us is different. Some of us want a relationship, others are looking for hookups, and there are also those who wish to be single for now and that’s okay. We all live at our own pace. We all have our own issues to resolve.
As to the question of whether some gay men fear intimacy and long-term relationships, there are studies that find this to be true. These studies have revealed the reasons why… all of which are deeply rooted in one’s childhood.
For instance, a psychoanalyst named Richard Isay argued that the “way gay men’s parents treat them affects their adult relationships.” In fact, some of them are unable to form long-term romantic bonds. “Boys may grow up mistrusting the love of another person and will find many other ways of finding the self-esteem enhancement that they missed in childhood,” said Isay.
“Many gay men seek affirmation, not through an enduring, loving relationship,” Isay added, “but in cultivating large networks of friends, pursuing transient sexual liaisons, focusing on professional success, and creating flawlessly appointed environments for themselves.” Read more about it here.
There are also studies that revealed how gay men, or more like the LGBTQ community, suffer from “sexual minority stress,” which refers to the “manifestations of sexual orientation stigma.” Factors like familial and societal rejection, discrimination, and stigmatization result in “a variety of stressful emotions and worries.” Not to mention that gay men practically had no “guidance on how to date, how to initiate and maintain love, and how to heal from rejection” like their heterosexual counterparts. And so, it is typically these gay adults who didn’t receive these kinds of support who “struggle significantly with romantic relationships.” Read the article in full here.
How true is this for you, guys? Do you agree with these studies? Are you, like other gay men, afraid of long-term relationships or are you simply enjoying being single? Share with us your thoughts and stories on the comments section below.
Having said all that, if you met your soulmate, best friend, significant other, boyfriend, partner, husband, or lover here on Adam4Adam, we want to hear from you. Please email your story to us via blog@adam4adam. Hurry and type away! We’d love to hear your story!
I never really knew how to have a relationship, and I never really looked seriously for one. I’ve dated, fallen in love, and lusted, but I’ve never settled down with anyone, and I don’t think I ever will. I value my privacy, I’m devoted to my work, and I want to maintain my independence as long as possible. When I’m lucky enough, I enjoy having a fuck buddy situation, which provides a sexual outlet with no relationship drama. Call me a “confirmed bachelor” in both senses of the term.
I Totally agree with Greg I like my freedom to do as i please I do have 2 suck n fuck Buddy’s
What prevents you from “doing what you please” when you’re in a relationship? If you want to fuck other people, that’s what open relationships are for.
Why are gay men so quick to assume a relationship means a lack of independence? No one else makes that assumption – and they’re right not to. Independence and being in a relationship with someone else are both possible, and at the same time.
Well how do you know relationships are drama if you’ve never knew how to have one to begin with!? I call bullsh*t on this response! Just keep it real and say it’s not for you and you’re satisfied with sexual hookups instead! Don’t lie about it, be about it!
I met my life partner we were together 23 years. He was my best friend my heart. We were friends at first I just got out relationship he told me he had been in love with me since day 1 and would I waiting give him a chance I did right away bought home raised 2 of his nephews few years later I wouldn’t change it for the world its been 2 years that he’s been gone, my boys (grown men) have told me its time to date but now im not sure if want a relationship or just a… Read more »
A factor which got entirely ignored, in favor of mostly negative ones–a trend that, disappointingly, permeated much scientific assessment of gay interactions–is that the human male is, in general, not instinctively disposed to monogamy. While it is true that our heteronormative society has pushed the alleged ideal of marriage between two people as the goal of every happy life, the number of later marriages, adulterous incidents, and divorces have belied that, to the point that anthropologists, and sociologists, in recent years, took a good, honest look, and found that monogamy is not common in nature, and is not the natural… Read more »
We’re all human beings, and coupling is natural to humans, to mammals, regardless of sexuality.
“Do gay men fear long-term relationships?” No. If there’s one thing that can be said about gay men in general, it’s that there’s very little to say about them in general. Some gay men will live a period of their lives, or their entireties, happily seeking only hookups (once and done or a few meetings) with many men. Some gay men will seek relationships based upon friendship and/or sex for a period of time or their entire lives. Some of those periods may include months or years of monogamy, Some gay men will seek and maintain a long-term emotional partner,… Read more »
Hunter:
After reading your treatise on the multiplicities of Gay Males and their inexplicable behaviors, I must comment that you must have been an admirer of Dr, Karola Ruth Westheimer?
Dr. Westheimer could not have said it better or more clearly!
Bravo!
No one refers to her as Karola. She’s just Ruth Westheimer or “Dr. Ruth”.
I was just being my usual accurate self!
I am a Virgo and Virgos like precision, accuracy, detail, facts and truths!
Plus, I wanted to comment of Hunter 0500’s usual, qualifying comments
Even the new gay rom-com movie Bros shows many gay men prefer hooking up to the point of having a 4some thru Grindr. People are not ready for that conversation. I do think its irresponsible to show most gay men in that light, but let’s be honest here. Many are on those apps and its not to find ‘true love’ honey!
I think that the constant focus on the physical act of sex interferes with the normal, healthy evolution of the heart. The more one has sex without affection, friendship and even love, the harder it is to be mature. Without the responsibilities of children and family, gay men do not have to grow up. But being a small segment of the population makes it harder to find a mate, to be sure, and within that, to have the many subdivisions of sexual habits and behaviors, it’s a miracle any couples happen. And why do they always seem to devolve into… Read more »
I have to agree, with mostly everything you’ve said “Hennepin” especially that very first sentence; truer words were never spoken. There’s a term for it “Arrested development” it’s a shortcut to narcissistic behaviors. For me, intimacy, familiarity breeds love, leading to better sex; the more my “like you” grows into love for you. As I’m really no good at this “hooking up stuff” I have a heart, that needs to feel something for you, of you other than just your body. Honestly, I’m more turned on by someone who is the physical opposite of me, but hey, I’m adventurous .… Read more »
I know plenty of narcissists in relationships and plenty of non-narcissists who just want anonymous sex. Narcissism has nothing to do with the seeming aversion that gay men have toward long-term relationships.
Oh, sure it does, narcissism has everything to do with it, they cannot maintain for long, “meaningful” relationships; for the fact they only need supply. It’s how they see people, not their feelings, it’s foreign to them, they have no clue, they get “found out.”
Two narcissists probably could make a go of it, as they should.
How can you so blithely talk about tens of millions of people with broad, sweeping generalities? Even if you were right – which you’re not – you’d need evidence. Do you have any?
The hist., of man’s brutality, period . . . the numbers are horrendous, of man’s inhumanity, it’s so vast, I don’t know how one couldn’t so “blithely”. . .
That’s what is referred as “not being able to see the forest for the trees,” lmao!!!!!
As someone who has both had sex with hundreds of people (this isn’t a flex, but just a statement of fact) AND is in a fulfilled and fulfilling romantic relationship with another person, I can personally attest to the falsity of your first two sentences.
“You can attest” but you’re only one person, in an ocean of people.
No shit, Sherlock? I could say the same for your comment above about narcissism. But thanks for pointing out the blatantly obvious. It really added a lot to the conversation.
You aren’t learning anything, look at the ‘persistent’ ideology about women’s reproductive systems, and their subsequent rights. . . it’s more about torture.
This, from people whom cannot empathize, this countries insidiousness as it pertains to again, rather persistent racism, past, present and most likely future.
There are multiple symptoms of narcissistic behaviors, period, that have become the norm; insidious as it is.
Look at who America elected for President after Obama; look at Putin, look at what’s happening around the world . . . it calls for a deeper look, into the psychology, doesn’t it?
One could say the exact same thing of your opinions. That doesn’t stop you from spreading them all over the internet like the useless pieces of shit they, does it?
You mean, the ‘truth’ of my opinions; rather informative.
These people are just using each other, “love hasn’t anything to do with it” they’re just liaisons; they are each other’s “supply” no harm, no foul, ’cause either one feels anything. As their emotions are so limited.
They just haven’t the wherewithal, psychologically speaking.
More nonsense, I know gay male couples who have been together 20-50 years.
The subreddit AskGayBros (AGB) is known to be an unmoderated sub, full of trolls who love to post stuff that portrays gay men and gay relationships in a negative light. Many other subs automatically ban AGB contributors from their subs due to this. The ascending generations (Y, Z) are among the most unsexed and unrelationshipped since stats were kept on the subject. Asking ‘why’ means asking why that generation is not engaging in relationships, and sex, the way previous generations did. Keep in mind that previous gay generations got laid and had relationships and the social and political atmosphere was… Read more »
Everything you said, makes such sense! I’ve made these points a few times in past threads, “it really was better just going out dancing/drinking/socializing in the ‘local watering hole’ or nightspot for actual meeting in person.” It’s so very important to not get “caught-up” keep much at an arm’s length, ground yourself spiritually if you can. I believe you when you say they are “trolls” putting a bad slant on gay relationships, “some people exist to make the world a worse place.” I think meeting and coupling monogamously, is the best you can get out of “gay life” it’s about… Read more »
A playbud of mine for three years and I have just booked a play date with one of mine for over a decade and one of his for a few of years. None of the four of us consider any of this as “dating”.
What the fuck all does this have to do with the topic at hand?
Dating is the start of long-term relationships, the topic at hand. None of us seek them.
Speak, but for yourself.
No…why should we?
That logic furthers straight people’s impression that we can’t keep a relationship & only focus on sex partners.