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Is it true that some gay men have an aversion to long-term relationships? What do you think, guys? Based on your own experience, would you say that this statement is true?

We are asking because we often read about this sentiment online, the latest being this particular discussion on askgaybros wherein a Redditor wondered: “Why is it so hard for gay men to be in a relationship?” He elaborated, “The vast majority of LGBT/gay men that I know are single, in their 30s, and have never held a serious relationship. The same guys claim to want a relationship… or are “LTR oriented” but don’t know how to compromise when it comes down to it.”

The thread generated an interesting discussion. One gay man replied, “Gay guys with women.” While another elaborated, “Meaning they’re closeted and marry women to present as living a normal life. Or they are bi and just happened to be with a woman at that point of their life, but want to hook up with men on the DL.”

As you know, some gay men choose to be in a relationship with women instead of their fellow gay men but I think this is because homophobia remains prevalent to this day. As a result, some gay and bisexual men would publicly identify themselves as heterosexual but secretly, they would have sex with other men or have relationships with fellow gay and bisexual men on the side though they keep it on the down low.

Meanwhile, quite a number of gay men on the aforementioned thread above agreed that it is true: gay men, they say, fear long-term relationships. Just look at the gay men on dating apps they say, where most of those men are looking for hookups only.

For this part, well, we always say, that Adam4Adam is what you make it. Whether you are here for networking or because you are looking for hookups only, or for boyfriends, husbands, partners, or friends, I say Adam4Adam is always here to help you accomplish that. We would like to reiterate that A4A is not just a hookup app. In fact, over the years we’ve featured couples like Fanon and Ray and Sergeant Jose Angel Corchado Chavez and his husband Arthur, who met each other thru Adam4Adam. There were also Adam and Jeremy, A4A’s tattooed husbands, Richard and Jay, Dan and Kurt, among many others.

On the other hand, there are some guys who attested that they know gay men who are in same-sex long-term relationships. I can personally attest to this as well, I know gay couples who got married, and got a house together complete with a picket fence where they lived with their cats, dogs, and adopted children — you know, the whole nine yards.

Further, other gay men advised that if you are looking for a long-term relationship, you can’t just look at the club scene. One guy said, “When you and your friends are focused on the club scene or the next circuit party, you’ve limited your experience of other gays. Meet people doing what you enjoy and don’t make being gay your only personality trait.” Read the entire thread here.

Anyway, my take on this topic is this: each and every one of us is different. Some of us want a relationship, others are looking for hookups, and there are also those who wish to be single for now and that’s okay. We all live at our own pace. We all have our own issues to resolve.

As to the question of whether some gay men fear intimacy and long-term relationships, there are studies that find this to be true. These studies have revealed the reasons why… all of which are deeply rooted in one’s childhood.

For instance, a psychoanalyst named Richard Isay argued that the “way gay men’s parents treat them affects their adult relationships.” In fact, some of them are unable to form long-term romantic bonds. “Boys may grow up mistrusting the love of another person and will find many other ways of finding the self-esteem enhancement that they missed in childhood,” said Isay.

“Many gay men seek affirmation, not through an enduring, loving relationship,” Isay added, “but in cultivating large networks of friends, pursuing transient sexual liaisons, focusing on professional success, and creating flawlessly appointed environments for themselves.” Read more about it here.

There are also studies that revealed how gay men, or more like the LGBTQ community, suffer from “sexual minority stress,” which refers to the “manifestations of sexual orientation stigma.” Factors like familial and societal rejection, discrimination, and stigmatization result in “a variety of stressful emotions and worries.” Not to mention that gay men practically had no “guidance on how to date, how to initiate and maintain love, and how to heal from rejection” like their heterosexual counterparts. And so, it is typically these gay adults who didn’t receive these kinds of support who “struggle significantly with romantic relationships.” Read the article in full here.

How true is this for you, guys? Do you agree with these studies? Are you, like other gay men, afraid of long-term relationships or are you simply enjoying being single? Share with us your thoughts and stories on the comments section below.

Having said all that, if you met your soulmate, best friend, significant other, boyfriend, partner, husband, or lover here on Adam4Adam, we want to hear from you. Please email your story to us via blog@adam4adam. Hurry and type away! We’d love to hear your story!

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