(Photo Credits: Photo by Adil from Pexels)
Hey, guys! We have a regular A4A Blog reader who wants to know if you’ve already experienced being ghosted online – here on A4A in particular. If so, he wants to know what your story is, what you think about it, and what you do every time this happens to you. He said, and we quote:
Hello! I am curious to know how other members handle this particular issue. I am a kind and respectful person and as such refuse to be rude to someone who says hello or sends a smile.
Often times I encounter rude and disrespectful people who are nothing but nasty personalities and mean to me for no reason. For example: someone says hello and starts a conversation. Four to 5 messages in you notice the replies are further and further apart. Soon there is no reply so I move on and let the other member know I’m no longer communicating with them.
First question: What do you say to someone who does this to you? Second: How do you handle the rude and sudden shut down or ghosting that is associated with this behavior? Third: Why are we as gay individuals often so rude to one another when all we want is a little company and/or affection to make us feel better? Society has already given us as gay men and women a ton of hate as it is. Why inflict further hatred? Is belittling each other some form of inferiority game to make you feel better about your situation? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I think that for online conversations to work, it has to be two-way. We try to ask open ended-questions and avoid, as much as possible, asking questions that are answerable only by a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ because then, the conversation would inevitably fade away.
On the other hand, if the other party asks us questions, this signals their interest towards us. And of course, we should reply.
If, however, they don’t ask us questions, we would take it to mean that they either lack communication/ conversational skills or that they aren’t interested about us at all so we move on to the next guy.
But what do you do with this guy who wouldn’t reply anymore? Do you message them to tell them that you will no longer communicate with them going forward? Or do you just let them be?
Did we get treated impolitely or is it that we already got used to this kind of treatment/happening online that we simply shrug it off every time it happens? Or maybe we think by letting them be, we are just letting nature run its course?
What about you, guys? What are your thoughts on this one? Share it with us on the comments section below.
Having said all that, we have written an article in the past titled, “Dating: Better Ways to Chat on Gay Apps.” It contains some helpful suggestions on how to carry a conversation with the person you fancy on Adam4Adam.
Happy connecting and make sure to download Adam4Adam app here!
Why is this even an issue? Ignore and block rude and disrespectful creatures, and just ignore those that stop answering conversations.
I agree with everything you stated except “block.” The “block” feature on dating apps is overused. It appears to primarily be used as some sort of means of punishment. Of course, being blocked doesn’t punish anyone. Unless someone is harassing you, why block them? It’s a bitch move, IMO.
How about blocking as a convenience? How about not calling others what you consider yourself? If someone wants to block, so what? Changing your name to Karen, eh ‘Jay’?
I criticize the action. Not the person. How about improving your reading comprehension, eh Liam?
Come on now ease up, he’ entitle to his opinion.
It may be a “bitch move” to some and some may consider it overused, but it solve the fukken problem of whiney lil turds “ghosting”. They as many others on this site need to grow up and be adults and put the childish attitudes away.
I’m not certain there’s much that can be done with the ONLINE GHOSTING. I have made it a point to go out in person “OLD SCHOOL” as they say & focus on more Face-to-Face interaction. It’s a fraction better and a step back in the right direction
I agree about meeting a guy is better, more like a lot for me. Talk is cheap, show me a little pic of your best asset and let’s get together up close and personal, naked and joined together in one of several ways..lol
I don’t think I have been ghosted. It does bother me that so many on a4a do not reply if you send a smile or intro comment. If you are not interested, just say so. It is no big issue!! We all have our likes and dislikes!! Also, those that stop chatting for no apparent reason are bothersome. We are all supposed to be adults on here so we should all act like it!! If I send a smile to someone and they do not respond after I have been notified they looked at the smile, I will just delete… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more, James!!!
In a fairly recent column, “Miss Manners” said that there is no need to respond to an unsolicited message on social media. I agree with her. It isn’t rude to ignore a message that comes out of the blue, nor should the sender expect a response.
I certainly won’t respond to someone who sends only a smile. It has been my experience that people who send only smiles without some sort of a reasonable comment tend to be spammers. I just delete those messages outright.
For me, when a person’s responses on a dating site “fade”, it’s no big deal, no gross manners violation, and not something to take personally. It simply means they have decided (perhaps after rereading my profile or seeing something in the chats) they are not interested. They “fade” because all too often the response to a polite rejection can be a psycho, nutcase, whining, and entitled tirade.
For me, ghosting (or fading) on a dating site is a simple, clear, harmless message. I take it as a “win” on my way to finding other good matches.
As a matter of course, I reply to all legitimate texts I get. To me, it’s just courtesy and manners. And it doesn’t take much to say “I’m not interested” or “Thanks, but I’m gonna pass”. I’ve certainly entitled tirade from guys who think that because I’m older that I should be grateful they pinged me and immediately drop to my knees or bend over. Those clowns get blocked unless they block me first.
To combat repeating failures with incompatible members, l keep detailed notes. Often containing the date of our contact and the outcome. 8/21: “He read my intro and never responded further”. Or 8/21: “Has great protential, can’t wait to hook up”. Or 8/21: “Quick to start up but slow to respond”. Or 8/21: “RUDE”… Or 8/21 “Pic collector”.. By keeping detailed notes l can skip over member contacts that l believe have zero protential. And unlike many here, l do respond to ALL mails and ALL smiles rather I’m interested or not. Additionally l ALWAYS mail anyone who cheeks out my… Read more »
I used to try being polite and responding to everybody who sent a message. But I had to stop. Because if I got messages from someone i had absolutely no interest in it might turn into a conversation and I’d rather not lead them on.
Pic collectors are the worst of the worst. That’s why I send no pics until at least some sort of dialog has occurred, and I don’t just mean 3 minutes worth either.
Amen. Used to try and keep a conversation up until I felt a pic or some kind was warranted.. which seemed to never happen. Now I send them some kind of BS pic I found on a porn site. Let them drool over 10 incher photoshopped onto Bigfoot.
LOL
I appreciate the value of notes but they can be misused too. I once had a long, nice chat with a guy who lived in the city where I worked, about 60 miles from my house. A couple years went by and I had taken a job near where lived. One night, the guy started a chat with me which went well until he asked where I worked and I told him. He went ballistic, wrote me a long essay on how he took notes because everyone is so dishonest, said he already knew where I work, told me I… Read more »
Serious neuroses out there. Had a similar situation with a guy I had seen and then was out of the area for a while. Came back and the dude lost his mind over me offering to come by. Thought I was stalking him, or following with a drone since I knew where he lived. Filed under why I don’t do hook ups any longer
“Guess you got a better offer!” Then i move on
First: “Never Put The Cart Before The Horse…! Messaging is part & parcel of being on a sex site…regardless of title…sometimes… someone will initiate a conversation…only to realize that they were to hasty and should continue no further…which means… Silence is golden and both parties should take the hint and give it a rest. Other times, a conversation ensues and it becomes obvious that either party or both parties are losing interest…now, it is courteous to say “goodbye” but it is not a prerequisite. Also, most often whomever initiates the message fails to read location or other such conditions which… Read more »
I don’t take the approach like the article mentions of letting one know I won’t be communicating with them going forward. Their non-answering but reading your previous message was an answer. I see it the same as announcing your departure from social media. No one cares at the end of the day. Besides, anyone ghosting you are doing you a favor. Accept it and move around.
The internet is an easy way to be rude as it is an impersonal media. It happens all the time, it is rude not everyone is in to chatting But you shouldn’t take it for more than what it is. I think your lucky because it shows you their character. They also probably would never hook up either. Nor do they read profiles. I rarely respond to smiles or blank or pictureless profiles. That’s not rude the rudeness is it’s in my profile where I state it. A response is meaningless if they don’t return messages. It can make you… Read more »
I’m an LGBTQ+ counsellor. I’ve often gotten comments from guys that I come across online as “real.” You hear stories all the time of showing up at someone’s place, and they don’t look at all like their profile or photos. I don’t know any other way to be. If you want real, whether 8” uncut, or a fuck buddy, or a boyfriend, or just to chat, reality begets reality. Thus, I’m always “real” online; by doing so, the fact someone does want to chat or meet up means they are interested in me physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m real and polite… Read more »
I call people on their bullshit. It shouldn’t go without comment. Have some testicular fortitude and just say you’re not interested or no longer want to chat. It’s utterly childish to cower like that.
I think a lot of guys use the apps as a sort of background pornography. They enjoy scrolling through the profiles and looking at the pics, and even striking up a little conversation. But once you reply and they have a real-live human being chatting back at them, it ruins everything and they shut down.
Simple response. “Thanks for your interest, but I don’t think we’d be a good match. Good luck to you”
My response depends on my mood and recent online experiences. If I’ve had several ocurrences of rudeness, or ghosting, I might call the other guy out and I may be very rude by calling them some name, such as douche. This usually happens if THEY started the chat then disappear. The same possibilities exist if I start the chat. I may let them get away with being impolite, having come to expect that of the gay military presence in Colorado Springs, or I might point out that ignoring someone is just as rude online as it is in person. Now,… Read more »
I think your expectations are to high – this is not FaceBook and these people are not your “friends” or even here to socialize. You need a different kind of site if you are looking for polite conversation and to get to “know men” for chat. I make it clear that I have no interest in on-line chatting or interaction. I am willing to meet in person to have a discussion over coffee or meal but typing back and forth in my judgement is for losers
I must disagree with this blogger. If someone says no thank you or I’m not interested. Its automatically perceived as being rude or disrespectful. Ghosting is a huge turn off for me with an incomplete profile. If your feeling get hurt because someone says no thank you or you are not my type, then you must seek counseling by a professional. The last time I checked no thank you or I’m not interested is not being rude according to etiquette. I’m not aware that it’s a prerequisite that one must chat with any member that hit you up. If it… Read more »
There seems to be a certain type of male that thinks that he is owed sex. When the gratification isn’t quick enough then rants and drama occur. I’ve found that taking a bit of time saves a lot of problems. If someone fails to keep up a chat or convo, then I figure the interest is not there. Better to use your hand than worry about someone that you don’t know, who obviously doesn’t want to be bothered. Can’t lose what you never had
What do you do if you are being ghosted after meeting. I met two guys here, one in my hometown and one in DC. I had a connection with the DC after spending an evening together. Now he no longer answers my messages though he had read them. I went on date with the guy from my Hometown. It was nice. And I even went to his house, met his is dog, a Greyhound, got a tour of his house, and even walked his dog with him. He is also unresponsive. One gurly is 45, so he says, and the… Read more »
There are certain types that prefer one time hookups. Their ‘date’ is really just an unpaid prostitute. These guys are also STD magnets and whatever else. The more you know and have in common the better the odds of a continually affair. If one wants that sort of thing.
No response is absolutely a response when it comes to online dating. You have to learn not to take it so personally bc that is the norm nowadays. The first two questions the member asked are reasonable, but the third quickly dove-tailed into ‘are you OK?’ territory. Like I don’t understand why not getting the level of attention we want from literal strangers should lead to a convo about hatred and inferiority in the gay community. If they’re flat out being rude, then say your piece – if needed – and move on. I would never message somebody to tell… Read more »
I’ve had guys that are really upset when their texts are not immediately returned. It’s not ghosting when one has to get to work, or finish chores, etc. That kind of thing turns me off; If I want drama I’ll watch Real Housefish.
This whole THING is so silly. Been on here (on and off) for TEN years. 1st I choose too similar a name and always get crap for something the other guy said! Seriously it literally was even problematic one time when people in the Blog GOt us confused and even thought it terminally polite it came off as I was the jerk and almost got suspended because my cousin jumped in on my computer (same IP address) and tried to defend me. I just stopped writing and responding because pointing out how little respect is shown for one another is… Read more »
Dave: Look who’s returned to the” Whipping Post”! None other…than our own “Lucrezia Borgia” We missed the blogs, imbued with rage, venom, and “Vesuvius Eruptions”…about his tales & tribulations of disrespect & dismissals, and, eventual, expeditious exodus… heaped upon himself… by his distemper! I, for one, am glad to see him “Back In Our Arms Again” as I did miss him…as it afforded me & others…to sharpen our daggers…ready to plunge…at every opportune…as members of Dave’s “Praetorian Guards”! Perhaps, now, his wounds healed and lessons learned,…will contribute to these blogs with fastidious insight, astute humor…and an abundance of “The Milk… Read more »
What’s the old saying? It’s better to shut ones mouth and look stupid, then to open it and remove ALL doubt. I thought for a while Nathan was some great honorable guy, but read what I wrote: clear, straight forward. No naming names, or calling them; then read his 7-course diatribe by a frustrated ‘never to be’ writer. It’s cool, they say the thing we hate in ourselves is the obvious flaw we see in others. Thankfully there’s time to change before becoming the septuagenarian indulging in every cliché, who walks on believing he has really said something when all… Read more »
Hunter4B:
Your response is absolutely, positively, on-par…
with my initial response!
Remember, your favorite song, from 1966: “When The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game.”
You just got captured…which was my intention…and to think…you took the rope…ran with it…tripped…and unfortunately…hung yourself…high & drive!
I am honored that, once again, I was able to ruffle your Ostridge Feathers…or is it…Peacock Feathers?
Whoa! Who let all this disjointed drivel in here? It’s a blog, not peanut gallery and Kasper IS Nathan, same tone, same wording, same ellipses, same malapropism (hung high and DRIVE) WW- wrong word! Remind myself to stop laughing and breathe! No one recalls your 1966 hit because we were born in the 80s! Oh, and stick to the subject of the blog – you piss everyone off when you make your points vindictive and personal, and honestly no one cares about your mixed metaphors. The subject was ghosting, not games or ropes or ostrich (correct spelling) or peacock. Ghosting,… Read more »
Rant Trap: You are an ugly man because of your anger. I am, well aware, of my misuse of grammar as it is deliberate. It is my satirical sense of humor not my ignorant sense of grammar. You, however, come out of the wood work to establish your presence and your A4A screen name. I am aware of Hunter4B and we get along quite well. He and I have been jousting for quite along time. I enjoy his blogs and he enjoys mine. Always remember the title of this song: “God Don’t Like Ugly,” and Gay Males do not either.… Read more »
No You are wrong, RANTRAP is correct! I stopped writing here because you made every point personal and you STILL have me confused with your friend Hunter500. However, it feels good to see that besides moderator Dave, others here have noticed your constant negativity. Get a grip. Write what you want, and if you see something I write move along and live your life. No need to reach out – we are not friends. Attack me and and I will seek out the moderators’ help as well as unleashing all the trite commentary your repetitive stories deserve, hope WE’RE CLEAR!… Read more »
Fuckem. Move on. They were probably having multiple conversations at the same time and finally chose someone else over you. If we had opened pics for eachother I close my pics. I’m not a blocker, I just will nolonger talk to them. I’ve even exchanged numbers with guys who then go ghost.
Gay men don’t take relationships or treating eachother with respect seriously.
If someone ghosts you or stops responding just move on and don’t take it personally.. Your happiness should not be dependent on the actions of strangers.
Yea, but Dane, when it keeps happening over and over again, you cum to the conclusion that there’s a whole lot of flakey a-holes out there and when every site out there is like that, it really pisses serious people off. My message to ALL flakey jerkoffs out there is delete your accounts because you’re just wasting everyone’s time. If you just stopped showing up at your job, you’d be out of a job, consider that idiots!
Could be that the other guy is a phony. So he cuts it off abruptly before you find out that what he says about himself in his ad is fake.
A good question. My profile says upfront if you dont reply or wait until well after I sign off to reply (even though you could have answered), I block you. Ditto for rude or psychopathic response to rejection. I agree with the comment that said one should be as “real” online as one is in “real” life. This means I behave online e pretty much the way I behave offline. The only two differences between adam and “real” life is (a) there are greater numbers so your chances of finding a match are statistically better; and (b) it’s most a… Read more »
I tend not to say anything if I’m ghosted because frankly I don’t know what’s going on with the person, i.e. personal emergency or any number of other reasons. However if they do it to me twice I will speak up if I think it’ll make a difference.
Certainly the easiest solution is to block the nasty ones and move on from those who go silent on you – at least, that’s what I do. But while the exchange is still “fresh,” I also watch for other warning signs, such as whether his a4a (or other sites) messages are coherent (eg: complete sentences? full responses to my questions, particularly the ones regarding safety? and does he ask any questions of me?), how quickly or slowly he responds, how deeply he’s willing to delve into sexual discussions, the list can go on and on to the point where you… Read more »
This will always be an issue on these dating apps. Whenever a guy ghost me, I just delete him after sometime and move on.
Funny thing, weeks/months later, another message appears from these ghosting guys. No response on my end. Don’t have time for that.
This just happen to me on another app two days ago. I guess it time to start using the “block” feature.
For me, it’s not a big deal, some not everyone has good communication skills. . Some conversations start strong and fade quickly, depending on interests.
Sex, friendship, one night stands etc..
Not everyone is looking for their soul mate or marriage partner.
Some men like to cuddle, some enjoy pillow talk, others get up after sex and won’t even blow you a kiss. LOL
Don’t waste your energy expecting others to treat you as themselves, they actually may have saved you from their future bulshyt and drama
I dont like being ghosted any more that you do but theres something missing from this conversation. I always try to give someone the benefit of a doubt. Remember not everyone is out or out to everyone else. Theres a lot of guys that dont want anyone knowing what theyre doing. The conversation may have died because they csn no longer chat on the gay site while mom is in the room or their wife. Or maybe they are out and thats not the case. Maybe theyre also doing laundry or at work and they got busy or side tracked… Read more »
I’m with deedsdone, regarding giving guys the benefit of the doubt. I try to take the advice of a very handsome younger friend who always says “It is a mistake to assume things.” And he is 100% right. I was recently ‘stood up’ by this guy I’d had a great convo with, and (thinking of what my friend Teddy said), I texted him “Are you OK?” It turned out that he’d had an emergency and couldn’t even text, and we later got together and had a wonderful visit, which would never had happened if I had blown him off. But… Read more »
Remember there can always be an ass in the mix even if youre by yourself!
I’m probably guilty of having poor communication skills in this setting. In person I’m fine. Plus I’m not always sure I’m not talking to as spammer. A lot of real guys don’t put much effort into their profile…same as spammers. Being ghosted by someone on here who I haven’t even met yet does not bother me in the least. It would bother me greatly, however, to be ghosted by someone I’ve met and spent time with in real life.
You know what, as long as you have a thick enough skin, self-esteem and confidence this should be like water of a ducks back, you got this, no big deal. Sometimes, you’re just too smart for them, consider yourself blessed that these types ghosted you, all too often you just weren’t stupid enough to buy their bullshit. The one guy I’ll never forget, “oh, you’re too smart” then he ghosted me. The internet all to often, is just as toxic for adults as it is dangerous for children. It’s so trivial, it’s only bothersome if you allow it to be.… Read more »
It’s sometimes not simple. There are a lot of in-the-closet types, guys that have been burned, a number of reasons to get fearful and not show. That’s part of the reason we’re anonymous, even here. On a sex site, gosh darn, I’m in it for the sex and maybe some friendship. Not looking for a hubby. Some people are lonely, and they’re up for a different meal, which I understand. They get a second chance, all of them, but not a third. Some of the second chances were great, and there’s been a time or two when I had to… Read more »
I totally get what was said. I think it’s a lack of education and a lack of honesty on the part of many of these websites. All i can say, don’t take it personally and don’t push the issue either it might seem you are desperate to meet a guy. You just need to be patient. Some of them are just pic collectors, weird hobby for sure !
[…] online ghosting, and then there’s ghosting after meeting each other face-to-face and going on a date in person, […]