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Language has always helped LGBTQ+ people connect, but it’s also becoming a source of tension. One gay man shared his frustration online after an encounter with a non-binary client that left him feeling conflicted. He said, “I’m honestly so tired of walking on eggshells around pronouns and language.” Further, he added:
I had a non-binary client the other day. I always want to be respectful, I used they/them pronouns throughout the whole session, like I do with every client unless told otherwise. Everything was chill until I casually said, ‘gurll, that’s crazy,’ as a response to something wild they told me. I use that phrase with everyone. It’s just part of how I talk, more like expressive slang than anything gendered.
They immediately glared at me, abruptly pulled back, and said, ‘Don’t call me a girl,’ their expression twisted with disgust and a cold intensity that instantly killed the vibe. I apologized and explained that I meant it as an expression, not a label. They accepted the apology, and we moved on.
I completely understand wanting to be respected, and I always try to be mindful. But honestly, I’m exhausted by how aggressive people can get about things that clearly aren’t meant with harm. I work in a creative, personal service industry where the tone is naturally relaxed and conversational. I’m gay, I’m a person of color, and I want to treat everyone with respect — yet it feels like no matter how mindful I am, someone’s always ready to take offense over something harmless. Can we please bring back some grace for context and intent?
PS: This post is meant to express frustration and open up healthy discussion about these experiences, not to spread hate or disrespect. I have nothing but love and respect for people of all genders and identities.
The story immediately sparked thoughtful responses — not out of hostility, but shared exhaustion and empathy. Many gay men could relate to the tension between wanting to be respectful and simply wanting to communicate naturally.
One reader summed it up with grace and perspective. He said, “I just firmly believe in having good intentions and not taking things too seriously. If you offend someone via an unintentional comment and they can’t accept an apology, they’re probably not a reasonable person to deal with.” He added, “There’s no sense in being mad to be mad when no harm has been meant. All this contrarianism towards irrelevant things distracts from actions and topics that are actually malicious. It just leaves people too fatigued to care about things that really matter.”
Another echoed the sentiment, highlighting how casual speech varies across communities: “I don’t get the big deal. I call everyone dude.” In response, another commenter chimed in with a linguistic note: “Dude is gender neutral in white American vernacular, perfectly normal! Just like ‘gurl’ in AAVE!”
Others pointed out that even the simplest pronouns can cause confusion, especially across languages and cultures. One gay man explained:
Dunno about using ‘they/them’. I’ve had some younger non-native English speakers scold me for using ‘they’ online when I don’t know their gender.
‘I’m not ‘they’ I’m ‘she’!’
Never get that with cis people. It’s like the perfectly neutral grammar use of ‘they/them’ is getting politicized and it’s very annoying.
It feels like the Anglo version of ‘Latinx’ where people who don’t know the language well enough are trying to force a language shift.
I agree with you though: I default to ‘just be polite and kind.’ But inside I do get quite irritated at times.
A different commenter added a cultural observation from his time abroad: “I lived in New Zealand for a bit. It just really cemented the thought for me that there is an epidemic in the US of people who are constantly looking to be offended – regardless of the topic. And it is definitely exhausting.”
Meanwhile, others discussed the practical difficulty of navigating new pronouns in real time. One guy admitted, “I use he/him and she/her based on how a person presents themselves to the world. Switching to they/them is easy since it is used when you don’t know a person’s gender, or if it’s not important. When it comes to neopronouns, many come off as though they were purposely created to disrupt regular speaking patterns.” Further, he explained, “I want others to be comfortable around me, but something like zie/hir and ir/im presents another barrier when I’m still learning to associate a name with them. Mentally rehearsing every sentence becomes taxing and stifles my communication because I’m so focused on using the right pronouns I have no time to formulate my own ideas to share in a discussion.”
That comment drew nods of agreement. One reply read, “Yess!!! There’s a limit for these things. Use the neutral gender pronoun or whatever she or he, but no language or speaker of a language will change to accommodate one (1) person that wants to be called xim/xer.” Another person added succinctly: “That’s where I draw the line. They/them is fine. Zim/zir is just fantasy.”
Some gay men took a broader social view, worried about the ripple effects of overreaction. As one man warned, “These kinds of people just give conservatives more ammo to spread hate, the lack of self-awareness is crazy to me.” Another guy agreed and said, “One hundred percent. We are our own worst enemies. Apologies for not knowing and move on. If they are rational, they will accept your apology and move on. Not everything has to be hyper conflict.”
And for others working within the LGBTQ+ community itself, this advice from a worker at an LGBTQ+ center was more pragmatic than philosophical. He shared, “I work for an LGBTQ center, I just ignore people who are rude about it. Just say my bad and keep it pushing. Think of it as you calling a female ‘sir.’ You’d feel bad but like it’s not that deep, especially if you don’t have to see that person every day.”
At the end of the day, mutual respect should always guide the conversation. Using someone’s correct pronouns and avoiding gendered terms when inappropriate isn’t about being politically correct, it’s about recognizing someone’s humanity. Still, it’s also fair to acknowledge that language evolves, and mistakes will happen. What matters most is intent, grace, and willingness to learn.
So, what does it feel like to be misgendered and why is it important to use the right ones? According to Gender Confirmation Center, “Being called the incorrect pronoun or honorific would make anyone feel uncomfortable. It may provoke feelings of insecurity, feeling dismissed, unseen, or even anxious. Misgendering, particularly when it is a repeated occurrence in someone’s life, can have a significant impact on their mental health.” For more information and advice on how to respond to, how to get it right and avoid misgendering, click here.
A good start? Ask their pronouns, and actually use them. When you slip up, apologize, correct yourself, and move on. That’s how we build trust and understanding. Showing compassion for those still learning reflects empathy and growth on both sides.
At its heart, this isn’t a debate about pronouns, it’s about empathy. Using someone’s correct pronouns and language is one of the simplest ways to show respect. But empathy also means allowing others the space to make mistakes, apologize, and learn. We can protect each other’s dignity and keep conversations warm and human.
So, what do you think, Adam4Adam blog readers? Have you ever worried about saying the wrong pronouns? Do you believe we’ve grown too sensitive, or just more aware? How do you strike a balance between being respectful and being yourself? Let us know your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below.
If the MOST IMPORTANT thing on Earth is the Pronoun that you are called, GET on your KNEES and THANK the GOOD LORD or WHATEVER you BELIEVE in ~~~ IF ANYTHING!!! Like I always USED to say before I retired ~~~ CALL me anything you WANT as long as my DIRECT DEPOSIT goes to the RIGHT BANK ACCOUNT!!!! LOLOLOL 🙂
Exactly folks need to chill the fuck out.
Seems lately these days people find anything to pick on and make some kind of rightious issue out of it!
“Whatever Gets You Through The Night Is All Right”! (John Lennon, ’74) Whatever Gets You Through The Next Second”? (Society, ’25)
Haha! Exactly! I don’t play the pronoun game. If someone has to declare their pronouns, I just turn and walk away. I have no patience for that nonsense.
Agree. The engagement ENDS immediately and I have no desire to even listen to that nonsense. Some may feel it is insensitive but I look at it as You are either a Man or a Woman, you have a cock or a pussy. If You choose to CLOUD the Picture that is On You………….leave Me the hell out of it. It really is Quite Simple. Being GAY has been no walk in the park with Society over the years but when these Sexual Freaks of their own making decide it is Their Right to Morph into Whatever hell they want… Read more »
the best possible solution to the misuse of gender pronouns is to discard all other pronouns except “It”.
It keeps it simple, singular and objective;
Reduce humans to crumbs upon the tables or grains of sand upon the shores.
“Nihilism” will define the “Pronoun” conclusively… because nothing will have any meaning as nothing will has any value!
It’s always good to ask first. Misgendering can be a mistake or an insult. Best to avoid either. I’m he/him but I have friends who are indeterminate and I respect that. Changing speech habits is tough but you get used to thinking about this, rather than drawing incorrect conclusions.
It’s anyone’s right to choose their pronoun.
It’s not their right to expect everyone to always remember their pronoun. How entitlement do some people think they are?
I’m never going ask anyone if they have a special pronoun. And I don’t believe it’s reasonable to expect or require everyone who works with groups (teachers, business persons, etc.) to remember those specific individuals with special pronouns.
A solution … anyone with a special pronoun should wear a nametag. “I’m Pat and I’m a “they”.” Offense avoided.
Agree. this PC BS over pronouns…………..get over it. If you are a Big Muscular Fairygirl that prefers to be called Shari………….wear a GD Nametag.
What’s insulting is expecting someone else to go along with your charade. And Transgender has nothing to do with being gay. They are an intrusion in the Gay Community, and their “inclusion” was never voted on. It was imposed by organizations that had no right to speak for the “community” whatsoever. No one ever elected them. It was a colossal mistake. As a result, our limited resources and organizations have been co-opted and taken over by trannies (their own term). A program that was very important to me hired a trans leader, who then led a complete takeover, shoving aside… Read more »
We in the non-monogamous and non-heteronormative communities welcome our trans friends. Giving dignity and love is never a mistake. Respect is a strong way to include. I’m not trans but welcome those who are into the greater rainbow community. We homos were once called by many derogatory names, too many to list here. Now YOU’RE doing it; pot meet kettle.
I do hate the “grrlll” think though, I’m not and I never, ever, refer to anyone as such.
I don’t use that unless they are one. And I usually use it with the ones I may already have a friendly accquaintance with at least.
Lol, you know I still don’t even if clearly . . .
1) The word “girl” isn’t a pronoun and 2) you’re talking about colloquial way gay men sometimes refer to one another, not gender identity.
. . . It was mentioned in this thread though, which is ‘why’ I mentioned it, so now what? Two thumbs down, so far, lol.
Why are you putting random words in inverted quotation marks? It’s almost as hilarious as you thinking that how many thumbs up or down a comment gets is in any way relevant to the quality of the comment itself – unless you’re here for a popularity contest. Are you here for a popularity contest, Lamar?
It’s my way of emphasizing; three thumbs down, what are you trying to do on here, John? Still not winning, not adding anything to the conversation either; trying to tear me down, lmao.
Oh, DAMN, Lamar! 4 thumbs down. Looks like what you said in this post MUST be wrong. Sucks to be you!
Nah, I love being me, who cares about points, when it does mention “Girl” it means they are wrong, not me, babe, try again, lmao!
I know, it sucks being you, lol, clearly.
So, thumbs up are an indicator of how right or wrong someone is when it’s someone else’s comment, but not when it’s your own. Got it. Great example of intellectual consistency there, Lamar!
Used in this instance,it is a categorical variable, incorporating supporting factors
I was an LGBTSGLOMNI Youth Coordinator for years for 14 to 27 year olds, here were about 80 of them and 10 or so would play with presentation, gender and trans-adjacent identity. My announcement every group was that it was an intentional safe space and the responsibility of the person was to tell us the name/pronoun and how they wanted to be addressed. Our responsibility was to hear that, respect it and use it. And the third responsibility into the space was that folk (i use it as the most omni/inter-changeable word, had the right to change their name/label/pronoun/gender every… Read more »
My cat identifies as a dog, who id’s as a a zebra. Respect for all right?
You’re a male who isn’t hetero, you still identify as a man right? Imagine simply respecting people, after all no one could minimize or disrespect you, right? Right?
Most of the people who use this app are conservative gay boomers (and even older) who don’t really answer to the language of “respect”. As far as they’re concerned, as long as they’re respected, they couldn’t give a fuck about anyone else. And if you expect them know anything about the science of the last year years around sex, gender, and sexuality, that’s going to be another uphill battle.
WHO gives a FUCK about age and political leanings!! We’re talking about INCONSEQUENTIAL BULLSHIT that doesn’t amount to a HILL of BEANS in the SCHEME of the UNIVERSE dude!!!! I SURE as HELL don’t NEED or WANT YOUR respect!!!!
If it’s so inconsequential, why are you here commenting in all caps like you’re so pressed about it?
That’s an interesting take on the skewing age of men on here—I had noticed more over 40s here in NC but really haven’t thought about or engaged to consider conservatism. I think that folk, including gay men feel a sense of entitlement that they use to supersede dealings with others—a form of sexuality bias similar to misogyny. I was just thinking then those who are gay who disagree to pronouns shouldn’t mind being casually called cocksuckers by any/everyone in public…because that’s what they are/assumed to be. Right? What I think is the undercurrent besides the sexuality bias is that we… Read more »
“Ask their pronouns, and actually use them”
No, you don’t have to cater to any transient whim expressed by radical segments of society. Existing pronouns work just fine and asking society to bend itself to your fantasies is asking too much. You’re the one being rude and inconsiderate.
I don’t know what it is like in the business world, especially the international business world where many other languages/cultures are not experiencing this phenomenon and people are absolutely offended in the opposite way for using gender neutral pronouns. I worked in retail and some people would get so offended if I used the wrong pronoun upon greeting a group of people, especially if it appeared to be a group of one sex someone would inevitably get offended. I actually laughed at one person who was ridiculously offended and started yelling at me, I asked that person’s friend if in… Read more »
I’m 62 and bi and I have to say this whole issue is the stupidest thing I have witnessed in my life! If there is a single person of either sex around me, I will refer to them as the gender they are presenting and “they\them” is plural. I think this is an outgrowth of what I have always called Gay Attention Whore Syndrome. The idea of men pretending to be women in sports is even worse! Some poor women train their entire lives to compete only to be robbed by some trans person they have no chance of beating.… Read more »
I read an article recently where public schools were reporting in 2025 a noticeable decline in the number of students declaring their non-Straight gender (or pronouns). It’s believed that it’s no longer as cool or trendy as it was for elementary, middle school and high school kids to jump on sexuality bandwagon. Kids can do that when they’re ready, not because of a trend. There wasn’t a noticeable rise in sexuality-based bigotry. Maybe common sense is on the rise.
“Non-straight gender” isn’t a thing. Sexuality is one thing. Gender is something else altogether.
Oops.
Like the occasional “it’s” vs “its” or “your” when “You’re” should have been used.
No, it’s not like that at all. One is a typo and the other is a fundamental category error.
Your is a possevie while you’re is a contraction of you are )Subject/verb agreement)
No shit, Sherlock.
As a trained biologist, I can tell you your gender just by your DNA. Anything else is wishful thinking. I have no bias for trans folks but I’m not willing to have their fantasy shoved down my throat.
Incorrect. You can tell my SEX by my DNA. You can’t tell anything about my gender unless you talk to me or see how I express myself socially. You’re either ignorant of biology and are lying when you say you’re a “trained biologist,” or you received your qualifications decades ago and haven’t kept up with peer-reviewed research in the area. Either way, read a book. Learn.
A lot of these people seem desperate to feel important and different because they’ve accomplished nothing in their lives. Trying to enforce pronouns on others is about control and I will never have any part of it.
I’m all for whatever is right, but the they/them thing is killin’ me. So hard to get it right. Wish there were another word(s).
They/them has been used as a singular pronoun since before the time of Shakespeare. No one else seem to find it as difficult as you do.
One must wonder who you surround yourself with. Silly response of yours.
The only thing silly here is that you’re unable to use “they” as a singular pronoun. Most native English speakers have spent their entire lives doing it. When someone (whose identity you don’t know) leaves their book on the table, what do we say? “Someone left THEIR book on the table.” This is nothing new. You’re just ignorant. The silliness is all yours, unfortunately.
I’ll defer to others reading this if you look at your first response to my post, you’ll see 6 thumbs down.
And I’ll point out to you, as I have to at least two others on this thread, that the merit or truth of a statement has nothing to do with how much popular attention it receives. All that matters are the arguments you have to bear on the claim itself. Nothing else. Sorry you seem to think truth is a popularity contest, but that’s not how the world works. Cope harder for me.
Language is being used and abused as a weapon, and as a tool to control other people, and most people resent that mightily. The “arrival” of “trans” people does not mean the whole world has to accommodate them and their demands. We all see you for what you really are, and if we don’t want to cooperate or play along with your mind games, we do not have to. The pronoun bullshit has to stop. We are not “cis” gendered all of a sudden because you are not. You can think you are whatever you want, but don’t project it… Read more »
“We are not “cis” gendered all of a sudden because you are not.” Actually, you are. You’re either cis or trans – or possibly nonbinary. If you think you’re something else, see a mental health professional and they may be able to help you figure it out.
No….you do not get to make-up words like ‘cis’ to label that which is normal, simply because you believe in the fairytale of ‘nonbinary’ people. Unless I get to make-up words for those who consider themselves ‘nonbinary’…. and you would not like my choice of words to describe those people!
That’s akin to saying “You don’t get to make up the word GRAVITY just because there’s an invisible force that attracts things that have mass!” Actually, yes. you do. That’s how we learn about the world. You not liking it doesn’t change that it’s a fact. When your words get adopted by the medical community and mental health professionals, we’ll start using them. Until then, we’ll just laugh at you and call you the bigot you are.
That’s akin to saying “You don’t get to make up the word newfangled word GRAVITY to talk about an indivisible force that attracts things with mass! I didn’t learn about it in school, so that’s not a thing!” Actually, yes, we learn new things all the time and when we do, we often have to create new vocabularies to accommodate that knowledge. Your refusal to learn is your problem and your problem alone. When your “made-up word” gets adopted by the medical and mental healthcare communities, I’m more than happy to use it. Unfortunately, the word for you has been… Read more »
My pronouns are You/Bore/Me
“Bore” isn’t a pronoun, sweetheart. You’re batting 66.6%. You can do better.
your daddy didn’t seem to mind when I fisted him. Bored him deep and hard
You don’t appear to be winning here either, John, lol. “6 thumbs down.”
Maybe you’re new to how facts works, Lamar, but they don’t depend on how many people agree or disagree with you. Hope that helps!
Lmao, I hope that helps you as I need no help at all, period, thanks, John.
You clearly need help in understanding how truth works, as you seem to think that it’s determined by how many thumbs up or thumbs down a comment gets on an A4A blog thread.
yo, the jungle truth
A few years ago, that use as a weapon was clear. Some politicians started using words such as “disingenuous” (not sincere) or “disenfranchised” (deprived) when speaking to the general public. It was an attempt to show that the speakers were more knowledgeable and, therefore, their political positions were to be supported.
It’s the terminology that makes it real. It was once said: “You appear to know a lot of legal terms, but you have yet to use one correctly”. One reason why word of the day calendars can be so dangerous.
Language, terminology and acronyms are used to create a group, and to exclude all others.
Im going to take some heat from this but the pronouns you are, are what you were born with. Anything else is either gest or they’re just being delusional and not living truthfully. That being said, I think we should respect how people want to be referred to as within reason…
(S + he = She); (S – he = He); (Fe + Male = Female); (Female – Fe = Male); (Wo + man = Woman); (Woman – Wo = Man); (C**t = XX); (C**k = XY)… . (Chick = Female); (Dick = Male)… . Somehow, all still apply, too!
yes, indeed, we learned the undisputed truth, a long, long, long time ago
People CHOOSE to be offended.
Try offending a rock.
You can’t.
This may come as news to you, but people aren’t rocks. Hope that helps!
OK.
People CHOOSE to be offended.
Try offending a sheep.
You can’t.
(I fixed it for you )
Your brain is a smooth one. Hope reality helps you
Oh, it most certainly has! I’d suggest reading a book or informing yourself about the current state of medical science, but you don’t seem like much of a reader.
Alert the Liberals!
And there’s truth in that statement; you can choose to be offended or rise above it.
I was in the hospital for an extended stay and all the hospital staff had tags attached to their name tags with their “preferred pronouns” such as: he, him, his. So I got a friend to make me a name tag that said, “Me, My, Mine” on it. That confused the hell out of the staff! It was fun!
This ‘pronoun’ nonsense is being used by the inferior as a means to control and police other’s speech. Refusing to cater to such dictative behavior ceases the ‘power’ these folks wield against others, simply to feel superior. You aren’t special. You don’t get to make-up ‘pronouns’ and then order others to use them!
how gospel true! No leader if no followers so conscription must be 24/7, day in and day out, week by week, month by month, year by year, decade by decade, century by century, millennium by millennium!
Pronouns are a privilege, not a right. They must be earned. This was never-ever an issue, before. Now “they” want to trans gay and autistic children. It’s a sickness. It’s pathological. I am gay, not queer. And I do not support those who target children with propaganda; who gaslight their parents and threaten to take their kids away if they do not bend the knee to this insane mind-virus. For anyone who cares about the science, read The Cass Report; there’s a reason why they shut down all of the Frankenstein gender clinics in the UK. The lawsuits are mounting.… Read more »
Apparently my original comment was too spicy to post. Let’s try a more succinct edit:
Pronouns are a privilege, not a right. They must be earned. I have to respect the person, trust them, believe that they are sincere and that this isn’t all just for show. As we all know that most of it is. Social contagion and mental illness. Shout out to those in the trans community like Blaire White and Buck Angel who continue to call this shit out with courage and integrity. I fully support them and acknowledge their pronouns because they have earned my r-e-s-p-e-c-t
Gee willikers, Pa! I sure does loves it when them-there “theys” and “those” police my language, telling me how to think and speak and feel. It just fills me glee and glotation when they call me a white cyst (those are so much fun to pop!) and then force me to pretend that they are a strong and strapping man-kinda-feller, even though there is only a gaping meat-curtain of a wound where “his” willy-wags-a-lot ought’n to be. Sure enough is! Nothing strange about any of that. Totally normal and not weird whatsoever!
Why does every discussion we have with someone have to begin with the opening line of Moby Dick. “Call me Ishmeal”
“Non-Binary”
(In Spanish, “No Binaria” if you’re female, and “No Binario” if you’re male.)
Even Romance languages such as French, Italian, and Spanish have only two genders. It’s la fenêtre (the window) and le porte (the door). OK the plural for both gender nouns is les levres (the books). C’est ca!
As if the never ending alphabet adding isn’t bad enough, attention seekers want to add more labels and identity to how they’re addressed.
No thanks, won’t be playing along.
Especially if they want to throw a hissyfit if someone doesn’t address them “correctly”
Wear a name tag and don’t be upset if anyone misses it.
Words come from Instinct based upon what you see. Are we in any way obligated to participate in a trans person’s lie and or gender dysphoria. I don’t think so. I don’t in any way want to detract from anyone’s Humanity who they want to be, but there’s just too much to catalog in my head to keep it straight. For the most part I don’t know many people that fall into this category
This is maddening really
Pretty sure that ship has sailed and sunk. It was a fad and all fads die.
Most of us never speak to be rude and if anything we say is met with hostility or offense, it’s on them. A lot of guys prefer to be called masc, but they’re not, so… im pretty sure they know.
Interesting, not one of my comments were posted from yesterday. b Nothing remarkable or insulting about them
They will be. Sometimes it take a few day but they’ll be posted.
thanks
Pronouns were created with specificity to substitute for previously identified nouns.I can accept and comprehend that language evolves and changes over time (literally literally no longer means literally, gay originally meant carefree, cheerful, or bright and showy). English is an amalgamation of different languages with specific rules and contradictory rules and irregular words (the plural of mouse is mice [not mouses], the plural of louse is lice [not louses], following that rule the plural of house should be hice [not houses]). I think it is ridiculous to use the pronoun they/them when referring to an individual, even more ridiculous that… Read more »
For me there are only two, female, male. One may experience gender dismorphia, but the use of the plural ‘they’ is a misnomer even if you have a mouse in your pocket or suffer from multiple personality disorder. I go with gender assigned at birth. While I may feel 32 one morning upon arising and bound out of bed, or feel 96 with my teeth in a jar other mornings, neither ‘feelings’ change my chronological age one iota. Lastly, when I hear the word ‘trans’ my mind immediately goes to a CVT or Hurst shifter.
they don’t matter…you can call yourself whatever you want; doesn’t change anything except show your ignorance
I have no problem using the correct pronouns, but since I don’t know everyone, I naturally would make a mistake the first time we meet. I think this is the root of the problem. If our interaction will not last even an hour, then I don’t think it should matter. People make mistakes; it’s not personal.