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How often do you encounter this question, guys, and more importantly, are you single by choice? If so, why?
We are bringing this up because a guy on Reddit asked readers their reasons why they are not dating or why they are not in a relationship. He revealed:
I’m 10 years into being out / gay and still can’t figure out why I’ve not had any kind of (first) date or relationship.
I thought hooking up would pass the time (which I still get plenty of if I search for it), and someone would be attracted or stick if I developed my life (which I did) but this has not happened for me. I have tried dating apps but once we match basically no one seems interested in meeting (most conversations ending with a hi). I’ve also been pretty active in the gay scene e.g. gym, volunteer, clubs etc. yet nothing has come of this.
The ‘problem’ must be ‘me’ and therefore I’m making this post to try and learn from others who maybe were in a similar boat, but then did end up dating and/or in a relationship, and what you learned about yourself.
Your ideas may help me think through what is going on for me hence I ask.
We took a look at the responses on the aforementioned thread as to why some gay and bisexual men are single. One of the popular answers reads, “I really can’t make friends easily so that also means relationships are out off the table. Also, I have horrible self-confidence so I don’t like to put myself out there often/at all.”
Meanwhile, one particular guy asked the original poster (OP) of the thread whether or not he lives in a place where there is a “sufficient pool of single gay/bi men” so that dating or being in a relationship would be doable or possible? Then, he asked him if he is actively dating and whether or not OP, if he sees a guy he likes, “pursues him and see where it leads?” And lastly, the reader asked OP if he is “going after guys who are, broadly speaking, going to be interested in you?”
Further, one guy responded that he’s not in a relationship because “I don’t want to be. I love being single. I love my own company.” Read the entire thread here.
Having said all that, how do you find a boyfriend or a date, guys? What pieces of advice would you give a fellow gay man who is trying to find one?
Since OP is already putting himself out there and living an active social life, I say he really put an effort to get to know gay men and be friends with them, or at least his prospective partners. Most romantic relationships, after all, start as friendships, according to a study that you can read in full here.
Sure, when you are in love, there’s excitement, spark, and passion. The two of you create memories, go on dates, and have fun. But these things alone do not sustain relationships, friendships, and making an effort for your loved one does. Relationships are all about forming a connection, learning how to take care of each other, being there for each other, having each other’s back, going the extra mile, and making each other feel special. You become a team, but you can’t be a team if you don’t know and understand each other.
But of course, that’s just me. You may also wish to look at this article for tips. What about you, guys, what do you think? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
Two can live cheaper than one!
One can live more peacefully than two!
Considering the alternative, I could have been dead already, harsh, yeah, I know. I’m saying it could be worse as I intend to live a reasonably long life, period. I just want to see what it’s like to be sufficiently old while having maintained peace of mind, now that I have such. I know, love and respect myself, I’m old-fashioned, a romantic, one man-man, l tend to love really hard. There are things that are expected of me that I have never ever excepted, which have to do with societies programming, that I find absolutely abhorrent; hate the fuck out… Read more »
We come out into this world through our Mommies’ Legs…singular.
We go out of this world…singular.
We begin and we end…singularly. Culture dictates that we enjoin to propagate, replenish and multiply.
When we couple…we unnecessarily complicate by coupling. But there is something to be said for the sheets to whatever side…to be warmed by a body?
Be at peace…with whatever is your situation. Be happy with self; It is all we have… .
Amen! Too old to marry for money, too wise to marry or any other reason.
Thank God for Social Security! 12 months of direct deposits!
A National Cure for the prevention of Marriage!
First, know thyself. Are you the relationship type? Are you looking to share, care, support, love, compromise? And what kind of relationship do you prefer? Friend, date, boyfriend, fuck buddy, partner, husband? Second, know your dating pool. Are you in a location where there are people who are your type? This can be physical type but also a range of demographics–age, ethnicity, educational level, income level, comfort with being out, etc. Third, know that there are no guarantees. There is nothing in the universe that promises anyone a partner. Enjoy your activities, make yourself the best catch possible, say yes… Read more »
I’d agree. Know thyself. I think many people thing they HAVE to be partnered even if it’s not in their DNA.
Hi, Unfortunately I have to disagree with it being you/me! I’ve dated a long time and had my share of partners that left me with a sense of waisted time! The problem is others in this day and age, players, lying, the drama and jealousy, not to mention the fights! People in general are all about them selves and very selfish and rude with a huge lack of communication and being honest. Without those two, a relationship never has a chance! The hard truth is we are guys, (dogs) so not to many that can be faithful or at least… Read more »
Truthfully, because l haven’t yet found anyone worthy of me.
I hope you’re happy single, because with that perspective, you’re going to stay that way.
“Why are you single?” In all the years I’ve played with men, I’ve met none who were married. Two couples live together, one open to playing together or separately with friends and the other closed. Beyond that I’ve met a small (very small) number of men who desire one-on-one relationships but have all admitted after several relationships lasting less than a year, “Gay men just aren’t good at that.” The Community continues to push the fairytale notion of two guys living “Happily Ever After.” and “Oh poor sad us…we just can’t find our Forever Princes!” I have a number of… Read more »
Gods, you sound so jaded and bitter! Do you even have any actual friends (not acquaintances), whom you’d share activities with? If not, then maybe you’re the problem and should ask yourself why you’re so unfriendly, standoffish and such a loner?
I have had two relationships: one in NYC, the other in my hometown of Mpls, Mn., the one in my hometown; we met while very young, the other in NYC., I was still young 30’s, learned alot about me, men and relationships. Now, however, I’m in So. Florida, OMG, it’s just not the idea place for relationships, regardless. I saw this on the news one evening about the dismal prospects of relationships across the board, now that’s sayin’ something; that it has to be a whole segment/ report on the local news. Also, there’s a PBC here; every morning they… Read more »
The biggest reason would be because I am the last of the hopeless incurable romantics. And being a three time widower, I know I don’t have to settle for anything less.
I took a 6 month break after my last relationship of 5 years ended. I am now on month 271 and just don’t miss being in a relationship. I just don’t really feel like anything is “missing” in my life. Plus I am impossible to be around for any length of time and like to think that not inflicting myself on anyone as a partner is proof that I do care about humanity. Something that my introverted personality might disagree with.
I’m single and it’s not by choice. To many gay men are superficial. Plain and simple. I live in Houston tx, and for years I’ve been trying to find someone that I have chemistry with and it doesn’t work out like we all would like it too. Some men don’t like I have long hair, some don’t like I’m not tall, some don’t like my eyes are brown, & some don’t like I’m not straight enough. I’ll be honest at one point in my life this behavior from gay men almost drove me to suicide because I felt I wasn’t… Read more »
Gabriel I’m glad you didn’t choose suicide. I hope you eventually find the Prince Charming you seek.
Long hair? I wish you were fem and smooth. You think you’re lonely try wanting to date a transgender or a fem….you will turn to dust waiting. Stay the way you are and don’t settle.
I’d like to have another relationship but it seems can never find right person to settle down with.. just not real matches… I get ask this often, “why are you single?” Truth is it’s hard to find that right person and these apps are really not designed for that… Some issue is I work alot too and really partake on social events these days.. I don’t care for bar or club scene either so maybe more difficult for a person like me to meet people. It does get lonely though sometimes. I’d like to try again. Been single since covid..
Why should I want to date or be in a relationship, or marry? I enjoy my solitude and privacy, and I can create my own life without the need to make space for someone else. Society demands that all must marry and breed, and it disparages those who choose to live outside these rules. They require conformity, no matter how free the society claims it is. I have never felt incomplete alone. Plus, the idea of sharing a bed with anyone for anything other than sex is abhorrent. Put up with a lover’s snores and bedfarts and night terrors? No… Read more »
I really like your thought on this subject. Make lot of senses. I keep myself physically and mentally busy and lot of time I even run out of time to take care all I need.
ISTPs on the Meyers-Briggs (8% of guys but just 2% of women) are notorious for either going through multiple marriages or none at all. To some it might look like they’re too intense or too controlling or “self-absorbed.” OTOH, they can enjoy their own company, need much more alone time than average and may have just given up on the dating/relationships working out because it hasn’t panned out very well in the past. Also, ISTPs are #16 out of the 16 types in recognizing non-verbal cues and can be masters of alternative explanations for signs indicating interest. People do what… Read more »
I truly hate it when people ask me that, as if it was my choice and not my fate. It’s up to someone else to change that status.
Well i choose to be single with me being in the closet yet I’m not looking for a relationship just discreet fun
I’m still single because I’m particular. I’m HIV- and only want to date other negative men. And in the Atlanta area there’s too many positive men. Some are great guys, but I remember the early days of the epidemic and AIDS, so I’m not comfortable with sex and relationships with HIV+ men no matter how safe they claim it is. I’m a strict non drinker, non smoker, non drug user and drinking and drug use among gay men is too rampant. I find gay men too hedonistic. They’re all too much about pleasure, having fun, being superficial and bougie. I… Read more »
The internalized homophobia is heavy in this one.
I’m not homophobic at all. I spoke my truth. If it doesn’t agree with yours than so be it.
Perhaps you’re everything I said about gay men I meet. Not my fault you took it personal.
Reading several posts here, how much of a social moron does one have to be to ask someone “why are you single?”
I’d be single except for the fact that I have a husband of 28 years that is hot and sexy and we have sex 3-4 times a week for almost 30 years now and he is a genius with a PhD and makes way into 6 figures. He does not gamble or drink and likes to invest, so we have many millions in stocks and real estate. He likes to cook for me and take me on fabulous vacations all over the planet in business class and luxury suites. He calls me “Mr. Wonderful” and says if I’m happy, he… Read more »
At least we got an ounce of truth in the last sentence.
Excellent reply John!! He’s lying his butt off. Lol
Well, someone’s lying their ass off! I needed that laugh!
I’m short, fat, and ugly.
You don’t have to be fat. I use to work with a guy that everyone thought was ugly when he was hired to work with us. He was the nicest, kindest guy you would ever want to meet and had excellent conversation skills. He ended up being one of the most popular guys in the office.
Instead of saying “You don’t have to be fat,” how about something humane and kind? Telling someone “you don’t have to be fat” is tacitly suggesting to them that they’re choosing to be that way, and therefore choosing to be unattractive. Start listening to the words that come out of your mouth, or from your fingertips.
You should start listening to the words that come out of your mouth, or from your fingertips. You used the word “unattractive” not me. Who’s to say fat is unattractive?Chuck was using the word “fat” as a negative so that is why I said what I said. I been reading your rude, ignorant, negative responses to guys on here who expresses how they feel about certain blog subjects. You come off as a “Mr. Know it all” and its disgusting. I refuse to call it bullying because you don’t have the power to intimidate anyone in your basement hiding behind… Read more »
I’m single, and I don’t want to be. I wish that I could find someone to date! The problem is not being able to find other guys who want to date and are really open to a relationship. The gay community just pushes this hookup mentality which discourages any kind of meaningful connection. Most guys are selfish and only think of themselves and are only concerned with getting laid, even when they say otherwise. The dating apps are pretty much taken over by scammers. I just want to know where/how to find someone to date!
Gay society acts too much like the so called straight one. Too many want to dictate who someone should date while doing the opposite. We should be celebrating our differences. Sadly not many want to date someone smooth, soft, fem or transgender with female features… these are the type I prefer. Why do I get hated for my choice. I support all types of gay even if we’re not a match. Also whether I’m dating a biological female, someone fem or transgender…I prefer to live in separate homes. Living a few days a week in each other’s home is ideal… Read more »
I’m 45 and I’ve literally never been on a date before, and not for a lack of trying; rather, it’s because in the state I live in the men don’t want to be friends with each other, let alone date. I’ve lost count of the local Gay men who’ve told me that the sight or thought of two men kissing is a turn off! I’ve been so lonely for companionship/ friendship over the years that I’ve contemplated suicide! We speak a lot about how bullying instigates GLBT+ suicide, but we never talk about how our own behavior and standoffishness can… Read more »
Have you considered moving?