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It’s nice to think that we’re all comfortable enough about our sexuality that we feel confident enough to share that part of ourselves with the rest of the world. But the truth of the matter is that there are still people who have to keep that part of their lives a secret for a variety of reasons. It could be for their safety or they simply don’t feel the need to disclose it with people they’re not close with.
Or it could be the reason given by Matt, one of our blog readers — you’re a married bisexual discreet guy looking to keep a secret. And he even admits that it’s a dicey reason. But he is curious about how far people have gone to keep same-sex relations a secret. Admittedly, we’re also a little curious about how far people have gone to keep their sexuality a secret, maybe without the cheating on a married partner part.
Online, there are several stories about this. For instance, on the subreddit r/askgaybros, user u/White-Blaze talks about being together with a girl for five years, ignoring his urge to be with guys because he had decided he was “straight.” Thankfully, he’s come to terms with his sexuality after meeting a man who became “really special” to him.
Meanwhile, Reddit user u/luisezequielmunoz isn’t in the closet but his boyfriend is. This has resulted in several things that his boyfriend has done to hide their sexuality. For instance, he’s introduced to his boyfriend’s family as a friend and told not to tell them he was gay. He’s not even allowed to upload a photo of both of them on social media.
Adam4Adam blog readers, do you have any stories about how you’ve kept your sexuality secret? Was it before you came out? Are you still keeping it a secret now? What are your reasons? Tell us about it in the comments section below.
I have a boyfriend who is a Married bisexual man. I see him often, we go out on ‘dates’ a bit less often. I know he loves me, and while the relationship isn’t ideal, he treats me better than any gay boyfriend I’ve ever had before
I have a boyfriend who makes me happy and we lobe each other but I am bisexual and married. I feel you man.
Thanks for your post, Dave. I’m that “Matt” so I’ll jump right in here. I’m sure I’m not alone in having been surrounded by family and friends throughout my life who would NOT react well if I were to ever come out. Having developed my sexual orientation during my teens that was more heavily, but not exclusively, toward guys, I started building that insular “closet” around me quite some time ago. To this day, as I’m nearing age 60 and with over 30 years of marriage to my wife under my belt, kids, etc., that closet remains firmly locked, because… Read more »
My story is identical to yours. I am careful with browsing history and only the most trusted of my buddies knows where I live. I do keep track of where my wife is thanks to technology.
As I stated in my comment, my immediate family is kept in the dark about my bisexuality simply because of their religious beliefs, and that is their business not mine. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs.
Wow! Sounds like a hard life to live I could never do that The repercussions which could result from living like that would be worst than the repercussions of just coming out Wish you well
I feel for you, that having to be in secret is a horrible thing to have to deal with. I’m sort of in the same situation, however my wife does know I meet guys for sex, and she knows also that I go to a porn shop with an arcade. Slowly over the years she has some to accept it, and her and I mainly live separate lives but in the same house. I believe she knew it from the beginning that was was mainly gay, but I did what most guys were suppose to do, get married for a… Read more »
Thanks for your elaborate response “just another guy.” Not to sound all stuck up, but I think I’ve just perfected “the art” of keeping what I do completely discreet. Other guys on a4a or other sites have also speculated that she must have some inkling of my gay side, but I’ve been in a number of situations with her where the things she says or her reactions to things tells me she remains completely clueless. And thank goodness for that because as “GoodolFuckBuddy” points out in his response above yours, my life would become a complete living hell if she… Read more »
Stay married to your cunt of a wife. You will be screwed financially during a divorce, and your friends will leave you, and you will be the “bad parent” in the divorce. Do whatever it takes to have fuck buds on the side. Accept the fact that you will never go to bear week, fist fest, or Folsom. But you will have your hard earned money and be able to retire – and you can simply pray for her to die a slow painful death – like we all do.
That’s what an asshole would do…..pout about rhey can’t do or have. You’re missing the point which says you most likely are OUT, probably forever. If you’ve never lived this lifestyle you shouldn’t be commenting on it because you sound like an angry gay person. Myself, Matt and others did what we had to do. It was our choice. You being out is your choice and I can guarantee you none of us would ridicule you for being out the way you just ridiculed us
Matt no unpleasant response from me cause that is exactly how I have lived my life. Bi during my teenage years. The expectation to have a girlfriend AND to have sex with her was amazingly overwhelming. And I did. Even had a child in high school. He is so much like me I wonder did he deal with being bi growing up. Were close but I couldn’t see myself talking to him about his father being bi. But if he opened up to me I would be more than accepting but still wouldnt open up about myself. I got married… Read more »
Let’s put this Blog in its respective place? Much of the secrecy, I think, is rather contingent on Time & Place? Back-in-the-day, when I attended the Academy, I had no logical recourse but to keep it a secrete. If I wanted to remain and be a part of it, I had to play-the-game, and the game was…that you talked about “The Ladies” and how beautiful and desirable they were…and how, you hoped to marry one and have children. It was a necessary contrivance and it was to be learned and practiced, day in and day out. When the “Balls” were… Read more »
Very educational and insightful. I think those with the “uniform first” versus “sexuality second” values are everywhere from that period. I’m not so sure how much that has changed. I’m not there today as that eternal tension was too emotionally distorting for me. I respect those for whom it is not…
I grew up a macho Italian guy in a very I talian family so any guy who liked guys were very messed up. I would even join in on the bashing. I am 60 yrs old now been married to a women for 37 years and have been having sex with men secretly for over 25 years. My wife was never the type to experiment and I have a huge sexual appetite. I feel that pushed me towards guys. Guys know what guys like especially us kinky ones. I don’t plan on giving it up, I know it’s not right… Read more »
Wow, your story almost exactly echoes mine. I’m just a few weeks short of 60, married over 33 years, been having sex with men for 26 years (though I did some before we got engaged too), and all you described about how important and loving your marriage is while you need to get dick on the side is exactly the same. Glad to know there are others like us!
I was in a 13-year marriage and, just like you, I felt that same way. 17 was my introduction to “the lifestyle”. Since then, I haven’t looked back. I have a pretty high sexual appetite(I’m 100%Top) and when women want to go through the rigamarole of not wanting to “do it” so suddenly, I just turned to men to ease my horniness.
A persons sexuality is a personal thing. What happens in the bedroom should stay there. It should not define us as to who we are.
There are many reasons why a man may not want the world to know that he is gay. One is the fact that there is a stereo type they do not want to be associated with.
You have conflated certain aspects of sexuality with sex life. Your sexuality is a part of who you are and doesn’t only happen in the bedroom! Neither does sex for that matter! Some how knowing the sexuality of all of your hetero friends and family doesn’t need to stay in the bedroom or be hidden because it doesn’t define who they are!!! And that stereotype you don’t want to be associated with??? It’s of a person who thinks that what they are is so shameful and vile that it must be hidden! Otherwise everyone will hate them as much as… Read more »
To amplify what’s said directly above, when I came out, I discovered it wasn’t a mystery to about 90% of my friends, family, and colleagues. There were 10% that were shocked, but are still my friends/etc. There were 2% that could not tolerate my ostensible now-public “deviance”. Most of that 100% are hetero-normative. The good news is that those 2% are now replaced by people that are definitely my friends and even lovers. I’m the same masculine-identifying person. The biggest change is that I wear more color. And I feel far more peaceful walking into a gay bar/etc, knowing I’m… Read more »
Sexuality is a part of who you “are” as much as your favorite food of flavor or ice cream is. In modern era being gay is treated as more of a personality trait than a preference. Thats base facts
For most of the guys I know, me as well, our sexuality is not a “secret”. It’s a matter of who needs to know about our sexuality. Not everyone needs to know our political affiliation, our income, our religious status, issues related to our health, etc. For us, our sexuality is treated the same. It’s our right reserve our sexuality just as it is anyone else’s right to come out in a highly public way. Referring to this as “secret” is biased. It places excessive pressure on youth. It is another example of the high level of hate exhibited by… Read more »
I don’t tell anyone other than the guys I meet on here. No friends, family, or coworkers know. I only play when my wife goes out of town, so I don’t take any chances at getting caught. I also try to only play with guys that I’ve played with before in order to minimize the chances of running into someone I know or running into them when I’m out with her.
I’ve kept my preference quiet especially to family. I was raised in a very religious household. Homosexuality has always been a big no no. I have been attracted to either sex from the time I was in my early teens. I also don’t feel it’s anybody else’s business what I do behind my bedroom door, whether it’s with a man or a woman.
Lucky you! If there were a pill I could take to make me bisexual, I’d sure as hell take it!
I’m still in the closet. I just don’t see the need to come out since I don’t feel like I am meant to be with anyone. Wow, that’s depressing. I do have a lot of meaningless sex with a lot of attractive men.
Likewise! While I’m well-liked and have often been pronounced a “good catch,” I am apparently not lovable—at least that has been my conclusion based on not having been loved by any of the persons of either sex to whom I’ve been sexually and romantically attracted. Thus, I also feel no need to come out, especially as at my age it would mean a major rearrangement of my social closet. In life one plays the cards one is dealt, and some hands dealt simply will not support a grand slam, doubled, redoubled, and vulnerable, but one can still score an acceptably… Read more »
I’m not the Matt mentioned, but I’m out but not OUTTTTT. I don’t do the rainbow nonsense. I live as a gay man and I am honest about it. But I do not proclaim it from the mountain tops. I am not “in this” with lesbians, transexuals, transgender, queer, gender whatever constituents. I’m a man who fucks men and I am not closeted about that, but I feel no need to like like an Alt-Left poster boy. The Alt-Left bullies will say that I am closeted or that I’m going “far” to keep by sexuality a secret, but the question… Read more »
There is no inherent need to be a flaming queen if you like guys. You can be who you are, without the need to promote the tolerance of others. But it’s not an Alt-Left attitude. That’s all propaganda. Many of my homo/bi friends are politically somewhere between the two poles amplified by the media. What I DO promote is being at peace with yourself; it seems you’re already there– great! For some, this means heavy PRIDE. Not all people are strong and at peace with themselves, and need the company of others similar to them. The rainbow, to them, gives… Read more »
All of it, every single word. Love it
Feels like the only gay representation that happens is the woke bs. Normal gay ppl too busy with their day to day lives to spam on twitter and be condescending. Dont get me started on the fear mongering…
It’s an open secret. I live in Jamaica…one of the most homophobic places. But I don’t try to hide it, nor do I wear it on my sleeve.
DO you live in Kingston or Montego Bay?
I was in Montego Bay and it was relatively “Touristy.” The inhabitants of Montego Bay were, somewhat, tolerant of the tourists and left the Gays, somewhat, alone.
Kingston was a different story and tourists were told to hide their “Gayness” or face retaliation by the “Rastafarians.” They were hostile to outsiders then – 1980s.
Wow All the stories about homophobia in Jamaica make coming out, or being outed there,sound so scary Which seems frustrating to me because Jamaican brothers are really hot to me Brave man
Good question! I don’t know. I don’t exactly hide that I’m gay. I just don’t tell anybody. Kind of like a civilian don’t ask don’t tell. I’m not dating a woman as a front. I’m not doing any of those gross displays of oggling women that men like to do. And I’m naturally masculine or “straight acting” as it’s called. But I’m 57 and single, which can be suspect, especially since I’m told I’d make a good catch. But I always wondered why is coming out such a good thing to do? I can’t see how being openly gay is… Read more »
Why doesn’t anyone need to know.
If you don’t care that you’re not in a relationship, then I guess no one needs to know.
i about 50km
gay and yes it will stay a secret forever . because im a musulman
They all look the same on their bellies
and sound the same with their mouth around my-
I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I’m 36. I was bullied, beaten up, threatened. I thought it was because I was just odd, strange by the standards of those in my immediate community or family. And I grew up with strong women who were never afraid to act or fight or be a woman. The men in my family were angry, depressed, and isolated. I promised myself I would never be that way. But sexuality was different for me. I was not gay, I was not bisexual, I was not metrosexual or whatever society at large so desperately needed… Read more »
I am 56. I have never told anyone that I am gay. I’ve never been on a date – I only do hookups. I got fired from a job once because one of my hook ups was crazy and sent my boss all sorts of details, emails,
and pictures I sent him. I moved to a different state. My new coworkers here were told I once was engaged but broke it off and I never dated after that. I’m always afraid I will be found out.
that is terrible that that man did that.
I feel that I am bisexual. However, I can’t truly br myself bc majority of my family, mainly my dad, are homophobic. I’d prob be disowned if I were to come out and say HEY YALL I’M GAY. I keep it secret bc I’m broke financially and have nowhere else to go. I’m almost 30 and have never been in a relationship. Would love to feel the embrace of a man but it could never be completely open. That wouldnt be fair to him.
I’m bisexual and on the DL, to the point where I haven’t even told my openly gay/bisexual friends about my sexuality. I use Adam4Adam in hopes of meeting a guy and having a relationship but truthfully the only people I’m open with is the strangers I meet here. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to tell my mom. Maybe she won’t be mad/disappointed. Who knows? Keep hope alive, right?
I’m a DL bottom as well,, no one in my family knows, I feel like if I’m not hurting any one and it would hurt them if they found out,, why hurt them,,only the tops I’ve been with knows about me
I don’t. Had years of that bullshit. Never again,
I love both guys and girls the main reason is its nobodys bussines. I love passionate gay sex in bed but not a guy that shows public affection. Its what I prefere not what other do
Anyone that knows me, knows I am gay and they are okay with it. That’s why I can get the Str8 guys. lol
I live in in a small town, that is accepting, but I choose not to come out. I let people think what they want. I am very active in community activities. I do have a long time female friend who we never discuss sexuality but we do a lot of things together. I let people think what they want. I don’t play close to home and don’t host at my house. I travel about 200 miles as often as I can and host in my motel room or travel for my M2M fun. When I messege someone I open my… Read more »
Almost everyone I know, knows I’m Bi, my brother on the other hand my brother and his family doesn’t because of their beliefs, and I refuse to bash anyone for their beliefs. So my immediate family are intentionally kept in the dark, and frankly it’s not their business.
When you state “I know what I do”… You left the important person off the list!!! Yourself!!! Being in the closet as a teenager is one thing, but living your ENTIRE LIFE that way because of “family and friends who would not react well”??? I am sure those same family and friends live their entire lives got giving a single fuck what gay people think about anything they do!!! Which is exactly how I live my life!!! When family members tried that one with me I showed them what a judgmental asshole I could be regarding the many fucked up… Read more »
have never told anyone that i am gay other than the men i have been to bed with. i can honestly say i have never met a man i want to date. most straight men are so fucking boring. and the handsome, hot , butch gay men are just as boring and i have nothing in common with them either and they tend to reject me anyway. so half the time i can’t win either way. i thought for years i was bi but i am not. i think life would be a lot easier married to a woman and… Read more »
MattK wrote my story! Everything I do, I do to protect myself and those I love. I didn’t experience m2m sex until after I was 50 yrs old. I had a life threatening health issue and decided I didn’t want to die without knowing my true self. I stay in a loving, but sexless marriage by choice because I made that commitment.
I’m done with criticizing anyone with what works for them or doesn’t… People period, in my informative years; probably knew before I did! I did everything others of my age did back in the days, and a great deal more, lmao! They loved me anyway (goodness prevails) I never had a problem with being me, which looking back on those days of the 60’s-70’s, I think its really amazing, might be my sz, the way I carry myself, etc. Then again, I’m really brave-stubborn as all hell, head-strong; insistent on my freedom to just be, period. Yeah, I caught some… Read more »
What’s up with the homophobia and self-hate? This blog is terrible. The replies are worse. You should call it “Chickens for McNuggets!”
Let’s keep things in perspective. The worst, most violent and deadly periods in history for gays have been when closeted gays have gone after open gays. J. Edgar Hoover, for example. But also Nazi Germany and the Spanish Inquisition had closet cases genociding the brave. Stop “masculinizing” cowardice. It’s not sexy. It’s deplorable.
Married 29 years to a woman.
We still have sex.
She doesn’t know I play with the guys occasionally.
I’m basically a service provider to several straight or bi blk men… they love using my holes and are affectionate in my house but won’t be seen in public with me for fear they will run into someone they know,,, partly because I’m white but also because they don’t want anyone to think they might be gay
My first boyfriend.. son of a preacher at small Pentecostal church. If anyone ask. I was a child he mentor or big brother in the boys and girls club or one of those organization.. 2 months in confess about an ongoing long distance relationship with girl (I Never ask ). In the 3 years he only met up with her once. They each drove x miles to meet half from their home. Different State altogether.. My dumbass went with him. I stayed in the hotel of course. Eventually he ended it and came out to his friends for me… For… Read more »
I’m a 61 year old recently divorced male. I consider myself as being bisexual but I’ve remained completely closeted as much as possible. Through the years, I’ve enjoyed myself with both men and women and have had private discussions with both sexes about their opinions on people being bisexual. Most believe that people who are claiming to be bisexuals are actually people who are gay and haven’t came out of the closet. My introduction into gay sex happened during a visit at an adult bookstore and occurred without any warning or desire to partake in gay activities. I was about… Read more »