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Every once in a while we would stumble upon an online confession about how a gay man fell in love with his straight best friend and should he confess to him or not?
Some said they did, against their better judgment, they admit, as their confession ended up backfiring although there were also quite a handful of people who were thankful they chose to confess. Others said they did not, opting to live in silence instead. Some of these confessions turned out well in the sense that their straight best friend took the news in stride. One guy said his straight best friend even slept with him though they don’t talk anymore now while another said his best friend was cool with the confession and even agreed to kiss him.
But those whose confessions had probably gone wrong had cautioned gay men online to “stand back and assess your situation” because “it’s highly unlikely that he will reciprocate the feelings.” Another guy said, “Don’t risk a great friendship over something that you should’ve acted on years ago.” On the other hand, there was also one guy who said that he’d been there twice and got different results. The first one, he said, had resulted to rejection as they were not on the same page and because of this, they no longer speak to each other but his second confession turned out for the best. For this guy, confessing is the only way because “there is the possibility that things could go either way.” For him, we should “live for now.” He added, “If you don’t say anything, you’ll always wonder what the outcome could be. ‘What if’ is enough to drive a person crazy. Don’t do that to yourself.”
I couldn’t agree more; for me, confessing is the only way but that’s just me. What about you, guys? Have you ever found yourself in love with your straight best friend? If so, what did you do? Did you confess to him or not? What advice would you give to gay men who are in love with their straight best friend? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
I fell in love with “Clay” over the course of many years. Eventually he had some health problems that were going to kill him. When he told me of these things we had a long teary talk at the table about how things were and how he wanted them to go. At the end of the talk we arose and embraced each other very warmly. It was at that time while holding him close I told him I loved him and gave him a gentle kiss on the neck. He didn’t really respond with aything other than the tears we… Read more »
Libertarian Queer: You had the opportunity of expressing your love for you dying friend. He as “Straight” was, obviously, moot as he did not respond other than “de facto.” I fell in love with a married man while in Vietnam as I stated last Thanksgiving in a Blog, so designated by Dave. I was 20 when I met him and he was 36. He was my CO and I was part of The Medical Corps. He was well-aware of my affections for him but may not have had the intensity or interest of love that I felt for him? He… Read more »
Incredible story, and you HONORED THIS MAN, as it should be!! Blessings!
RICH: It is, sometimes, necessary for me to write of him as I cannot speak of him. His children are alive and I will allow them to know that side of their father. I believe that there are things that should not be avowed. What transpired between him and me, remains with me. He was a good man and an honorable man, too. He was killed virtually two years to the month I meet him. There was neither enough time or situation. My brother is a “KIA” in Vietnam. I get burdened, at times, from the memories. I do not… Read more »
NZH, are you telling me you went to your CO’s funeral and “and died inside as I could not cry or show any emotions, whatsoever, as his wife and two children were present”. Unfortunately I have been to many military funerals and have escorted friends home, something is not quite right about your comments as I’ve seen many soldiers show their emotions at funerals.
JIM:
Don’t impart what you would do attending a Military Funeral. I am not you and you are not me. I acted accordingly as his wife and two children were present. Don’t impose what you would have done or others have done; I did what I did for reasons within me.
This is a perfect example of. . . . “why” does being Gay have anything to do with the need for being “Real”, being a compassionate person or expressing HONEST TRUE LOVE for a person at such fateful time in their life??? This is definitely NOT a time to be “evaluating” the validity of “being Gay” as much as it is a time to be simply “LOVING” without “needs” in return – Love doesn’t require that! I must be missing something. But if people are questioning their own actions of expressing themselves based solely on their sexual identity, then I… Read more »
I have been telling my straight friends that I have had feelings for them since high school. Back then, I think it might have been more of a friend love with a physical or sexual attraction, though I still speak to and remains friends with several of those guys to this day. More recently I have confessed my feelings to three “straight” guys…one led to a two year relationship of sorts, one led to a couple of encounters, and one I wish was less straight. But he said that when a straight guy hangs out with a gay guy knowingly,… Read more »
Wow same. Just tell them and move on. The 20 something guys are way different. Now we can go to some straight bars and buy guys drinks openly. I got a nice massage at the bar from a strapping 6’4″ 21 year old. He said he was flattered that my group thought he was attractive. Unfortunately some of his friends got weird and either left or went to the bar patio. Most of the other straight guys don’t flinch anymore and there’s nothing like a straight guy rubbing your shoulders or giving a hug that pushed all the air out… Read more »
The world has defiantly changed that way for the better.
That hardly ever ends well…keep your emotions in check..IF he makes a move then its open season..but refrain from a love confession unless he’s into you 😉
MICHAEL: As you may have already read… It, generally, never ends well. If you are lucky, it ends as an impasse. I learned the hard way and I was a graduate of the Military Academy. I should have known better, but in reality, the heart usually usurps the brain, and love makes you do foolish things. I am, almost, sorry that I treadled on dangerous territory as he could have turned on me and gotten me a Court Martial. If his widow had gotten wise of it, I most certainly would have been perceived as the instigator and the danger.… Read more »
All my friends know I screw men, so my straight male friends would not be shocked by that. I have felt attraction and have been honest about it which is better than being creepy about it. Not had any adverse responses from saying “i know you’re straight but I have a crush on you. Just being honest.” Twice we’ve talked it out and gotten closer, though not sexually.
I’m a black male and I work for the government. There is a very handsome Jamaican guy that I have been working with for over 15 years now. We started as coworkers and then he went on to become a manager. In the beginning I had very strong feelings for him. Everyone at my job knows my sexuality including him. Back then there was a group of about 5 people that sometimes we would go out for late night drinks after work (we worked night shift). While we are sitting and talking I keep looking at him and he keeps… Read more »
He knows you’re gay and interested in him. But he is straight and doesn’t want to take it to “the next level”. He is just toying with you. He likes the attention. Just stop with the fantasizing already. It’s never going to happen. Move on.
I’m in that situation now but in my case, there is no way I can tell him because I cannot risk losing the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. It drives me nuts at times but I’d rather go crazy than lose his friendship because he means the world to me and vice versa.
If this bond is as strong as you say, and he knows you are gay, then he probably suspects you might be attracted to him. If he isn’t flirting in any way, you are probably best off not saying anything. My gorgeous straight best friend in high school caught me looking at him in a way I shouldn’t one day, and his response was polite and dignified. In fact, we consider each other brothers today and not sexual ever happened between us.
These types of situations really are UNpredictable and really depends on the 2 people involved. Yeah, they can go “either way” but the REAL question is about your true, “primal” objective. If you TRULY value friendships, then you miss the whole basis of being with a friend, but instead base your friendship on your personal sexual identity – not on being your friend’s “best friend”. That’s what’s too common in the “gay world” – being myopic about the world around, and basing all expectations on their egocentrist point of view: being “accepted” or making their sexual preferences the basis of… Read more »
I believe what you’ve mention is kind of a given, a preliminary knowledge that most people (in this case, gay men) understand when creating a friendship with somebody. What turns this matter into a sexual or emotional one, though, is what then should you do when your feelings leave the bounds of “friendship” and become more intense, romantic, and serious? This very issue happens amongst straight people as well. I personally have a few friendships with straight men who I’m not attracted to at all nor have any romantic feelings for, so the issue you described doesn’t apply at all.… Read more »
Wow, talk about missing the point entirely. As eloquently as you put it, you are the perfect example of what Rich is talking about. I won’t say self-absorbed, more gay-absorbed and therefore blinded to the greater overall picture.
I think it all depends on what you want ad expect from that confession. If you’re assuming it will bring a reciprical response , and you will fall into each other’s arms, think twice. If you are very good friends, it ok to work in the occasional ” love you man ” ! If a mutual response occurs, than at least you know he has some feelings for you. Make light of your love for him. ” if only you were a woman… If only I was a woman….”! Or, ” I don’t know what I’d do without you,”.. patting,… Read more »
I think this approach is a little too aggressive. Seems like it’ll go two ways.. either he’ll start feeling cornered & start keeping his distance.. or you’ll get some kind of sexual/awkward experience out of it (probably out of pity) & then he’ll never call you again
I agree. I depends on what you want from the confession. I confessed to several of my straight friends over the years only because it was my way of stopping the emotional head games I was playing with myself. If one had reciprocate the feelings I would have explored it further to see if he was just curious, bi or just messing with me out of fun or spite. So far no one has reacted badly, not even the older sunday school teacher who was married.
I think you should tell him , even if it risks losing everything with him. You can’t keep living in limbo & in a constant state of heartache. Best to get the feelings off your chest. Regardless of the outcome you’ll feel so much better than you did. Whether you lose a friend or gain a lover, you’ll have overcame such an intense struggle & be at peace with yourself.. maybe even feel “free”. I need to practice what I preach though. I fell in love with my highschool straight best friend. I honestly felt reciprocation & he would even… Read more »
If you fell in love with your “Straight Best Friend”, its because you allowed yourself to. Whether it’s the boyfriend or girlfriend of one of a guy’s siblings … or the boyfriend or girlfriend of one of your close friends … or the boyfriend or girlfriend of one of your roommates … or the boyfriend or girlfriend of a coworker … or a biological cousin … or anyone else, the guy fell in love because you allowed himself to. So we could say “Dude, shame on you! You’re not being a good Best Friend.” Men have been challenged by this… Read more »
I have deep feelings for a friend who lives in Texas. He’s amazing and I really love him, but my own understanding of what love is has never been more than just “puzzled”. I live on the west coast and write/talk to him as often as I can. And I want to tell him, but there’s a chance I’d lose him and I can’t risk that since making and keeping friends over time, for me anyway, is very difficult. A part of me doesn’t care how he’d react, I just don’t want to hurt him or lose him. The other… Read more »
I fell in love with my best friend when we were growing up. I was attracted to him. He was an exhibitionist and would flaunt his nakedness. I remember one time he greeted me at the front door naked. Another time we were in a basement. His brother-in-law had a darkroom setup. He was developing film. We were alone and he unzipped his fly and whipped out this beautiful hard on. I tried to react normally, Another friend came down the stairs and I was spared the discomfort. He was living with his future wife and returned home to visit… Read more »
Telling someone you “love them” for any reason to just make yourself feel better (unless as a lot of post point out you are hoping for some interaction because he’s not really straight) is the ultimate form of selfishness. If your friend is straight why try to ruin the friendship and make it weird just so you can have expressed your feelings… As for the guys who do it because they think they will make an inappropriate advance, that is just creepy and weird. We are not children or animals we should be able to not be sexually inappropriate and… Read more »
When, these kinds of attractions happen, I focus on their less attractive traits, lol, “snapping myself out of it.” I tell myself, “you are not falling for this.”
I like this story. My experience has been a mix of straight friends doing the gay bash when certain people find out we’re friends then they get kinda distant or off. Example, I had a left leg amputee friend that told out coworkers I was trying to be his butt buddy. I just left it alone and didn’t shame him for all the penis flashes and times he initiated below the waist conversation. He had about a 8.5″ and I saw it soft and hard. Curves right kinda sharply . We were pals and i enjoyed his company going to… Read more »
This topic strikes me as having no single “best answer” or “course of action,” as there are many variables about which the “truth” is not known in order to base one’s course of action on the actual factual situation. For example, the term “straight best friend”: does that mean he is totally, 100% sexually attracted only to women, or does it mean he appears 100% straight but actually is bisexual or a deeply-closeted 100% gay guy? Until one knows the answers to these questions, any course of action taken by the gay guy will be predicated on ignorance and alternatively… Read more »
I know firsthand how it feels. When i was in college, my best friend Farrell was quite the ladiesman. He’d see a girl, say he wanted her and within days he would succeed! He wasnt moviestar handsome but he had something. We were very close and i started to get feelings for him. Of course i couldnt say anything for fear of rejection. And this was quite a few years ago so the rejection could be very harsh. We were out one night drinking… heavily and something came up that require a dare. I thought here’s my chance i said… Read more »
[…] We’ve already heard this story many times before: how a gay man fell in love with their straight best friend. […]