Speak Out: Dating in the Age of Social Media

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Does social media affect your dating life and if so, how?

We are bringing this up because we stumbled upon this thread on askgaybros about a couple of guys in a bar who were presumably overheard talking by the original poster (OP) about dating. The OP shared that he heard one of the guys say, “Yeah, he’s cute and we get along and all, but he has less than a thousand followers on Instagram so I don’t think I’m gonna go for him.” The other guy is said to have responded, “Oh yeah, that’s way too low!”

A few months ago, we talked about first date deal breakers but no one mentioned anything about social media at all. In fact, according to Adam4Adam readers, the kind of guys they dislike are those who are: racist, always on the cellphone while they are in the middle of a date, have poor hygiene, and body odor. They also won’t go on a second date with a guy who they have had a political disagreement and religious arguments with while others say rudeness to anyone such as the wait staff and service people is a huge no-no for them among many others.  

Anyway, one of the respondents on the thread admitted that he posts “thirst trap pics on Instagram” and he sees “nothing wrong with it” but that he would never “use a social media following as a measure of someone’s worth.” Another said that he had been rejected as well for not having a Facebook account. He said that if it were for “safety thing” then he would have understood because these days, people equate not having Facebook to someone who “must be either completely fake or trying to hide something.” But he said that although he wasn’t on Facebook, he was on Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, Tumblr, Google+ etc. but still, he got shot down.

On the other hand, quite a number of them said that if you’ve been rejected because you don’t have a Snapchat, it’s not for the reason you think. The Redditors explained, “You’ve been ignored because they thought you were fake. People use Snapchat to authenticate profiles.”

That being said, I think we all have deal breakers, but is social media on your list? More importantly, how is social media changing or affecting your dating life and what are your dating rules now that we are in the social media age? Sound off in the comments section below.

There are 22 comments

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  1. Matt

    This: “‘Yeah, he’s cute and we get along and all, but he has less than a thousand followers on Instagram so I don’t think I’m gonna go for him.’ The other guy is said to have responded, ‘Oh yeah, that’s way too low!'” says that these people are SHALLOW and into drama. The more followers a person has on a social media platform, the more narcissistic I shall assume them to be.

    For me, it will always be about conscience, cock, and face in that order. Being a social media diva shows lack of conscience.

  2. Libertarian Queer

    Interesting read there, Dave. I find it all quite bizarre that a social media presence would even enter into the qualification list for dating. Of course, I grew up before cell phones and the internet became the pervasive capitalist privacy theives they are. Back then, we actually talked face to face with others and got our impressions of them from that and not some online social media site designed to push ads and sell you things. (Nothing is free, how do people suppose they pay for that web site?) Facebook? Virtual friends are virtual bull shit in my mind and anybody that shallow who would find a potential suitor’s presence there a necessity has their head up firmly stuck up their ass. Do this test – ask yourself how many of your online virtual pals are going to drop what they’re doing and bail your ass out when your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere? What the hell is a thirst trap anyway; a pic of an ice cold beer? Snapchat authentication? That is truly laughable. How is one to know if a person is a serial liar, abuser, moron, or worse since you don’t have the same variety of clues to operate off of like one would in person?

    It doesn’t matter if it’s face to face real life, online, Facetwit, Twatter, Instagram, or whatever. There are always going to be fakes and assholes because there always has been and there always will be. Nobody is going to know the true content of another’s character until they’re are around them long enough to get to know them. Yes, that implies judgments and a degree of risk. Isn’t that horrifying? We can talk about prejudice and all that happy shit about it being wrong but that’s exactly what is going on when people judge the content of another’s character by their online status alone or lack thereof. Maybe one can get some idea of how a person is by looking online but that will not tell the entire story and might just show a fabricated lie designed to lure the unsuspecting into a trap. Yes, that has been going on for eons, too. Times and methods change over millenia but people don’t.

    • hornyoldman

      oh yeah.. even though cruising a bar had it’s own pit falls, I found it more exciting. More like prey and predator instincts. Handkerchief in rear pocket code help to sort out what guys were looking for. Bar with back playroom or helping a guy out at the rest room though. Guess I’m now showing my age. Millennials have no clue how to have fun!

    • bjjj

      I used to love cruising. Driving through the parks, walking the woods, hanging out in the cruisy restrooms, etc. 20 years ago or more it was fairly safe. Now, if caught somewhere, you get your name in the paper, on the web, or in trouble with the law, so I no longer cruise. I don’t have much luck with social media, even A4A. Guys say they want to meet until you want to set up a time and place, then they drop off, or just plain don’t show up. Or they make an excuse, as to why they can’t make it. I never met anyone cruising though that turned into a regular thing or a relationship. It was always a one time thing. True you can’t trust anyone on social media that they are who they say they are. I met my BF not online but in an adult arcade, face to face. That was over 2 years ago, and we still today have the best friendship and relationship ever.

  3. Kev

    I think social media can make it a little harder to get a relationship off the ground these days. They can definitely cause unnecessary distractions and drama, esp when people start using social media to communicate instead of having private real-time conversations.

    I also consider dating apps and sites under the social media umbrella. There’s really no point in working through any problems that arise in relationships when you can just log back into the app and “erase n replace”. We literally delete each other. I”m obviously not against apps/sites at all. The internet helps a lot of us find other guys in ways we simply can’t in real life, but I think they also pose some new challenges.

  4. Brandon W Nash

    No wonder I have been a hermit for a long while and it is NOT for lack of trying. I thought it was because I am too old – 62 and counting, but I can count. Don’t Instagram, Twitter or Snapchat. Using Social media to verify profiles is like watching the news to find out the weather. FUCK, just go outside. Back to topic – Social Media, in general, was a good idea but it missed its own point. It doesn’t facilitate social (face to face) interaction, reduces intimate communication, and highlights the lack of social understanding and cultural fluency that is required to function effectively today. So, I am old fashioned and irrelevant – my name comes up number one on Google Search. I haven’t checked other engines because I DON”T KARE!

    • Libertarian Queer

      It IS because you’re too old. Time, physiology, and gravity have all beat yur ass up. Nevermind the typical desire of having some guy just like yourself to satisfy your personal desires. Age matters to most. Just saying, I’m old, too.

      • Hunter0500

        Guess my several regular play buds and I have it all wrong. We’re all over 55 and have way too much fun with each other far too often, it seems. Should we stop?

  5. Rod

    Ok there’s a major issue in the dating scene if social media is a make or break aspect to get to know another guy…. psychologically unhealthy and dismay….best advice is not to go that route for dating…

  6. Van

    It’s sad and it’s man’s weakness some men I should say, yes it’s not social media itself it’s men not able to control themselves and be respectful that’s it.

    I choose love and happiness over social media anyday,if I had to choose.

  7. Ken94110

    I’m in my mid 50’s and easy on the eyes and not a runway model by any stretch of imagination! Before the age of smart phones and hookup apps, I was living a celibate life for about 12-13 years by choosing and happy about it too; we had no PrEP back then and I lost so many friends to AIDS, so I chose celibacy just to stay negative and lucky enough to avoid any STDs ever. I chose to stay celibate, because I hated condoms and I would lose my erections wearing them and I wouldn’t trust myself either in the heat of passion being so ready and eager to BB a nice butthole.

    Anyway, I eventually decided to come out of my shell, this time, not as a top but as a bottom, and joined A4A(before the age of smart phones); and then Grindr, a sucky app used by mindless ageist millennial’s, who’re supposed to be the generation of tolerant people… NOT! I suck at gay life, online or offline! Being manly & very muscular, I get checked out or hit on when out and about in bars or clubs, but I think I either take horrible selfies or I’m just buttugly or being older bottom… I rarely get lucky online.

    I was a strict top most of my life, suddenly after my last break up, I decided to explore bottoming! Wrong choice in reverse chronological order!! Lesson learned: Always bottom while you’re younger and learn to be a top when you’re older! Because most guys around your age, when you’re older, or especially younger guys are repulsed by topping an older guy! Somehow they all think your anal odometer has been reset and been around the globe a few times or you have cobwebs and they have to machete through your crusted butthole! I think, I’m going to be a relentless top again!

    • ABQbttm

      I’m an older bottom… and while some guys might be “repulsed” (ugh, that’s a horrible word) other guys are really into it. My ass is still tight as a drum and I can go multiple rounds and still have fun. I’m actually a much better bottom now than when I was younger. That said, glad you’ll be a top again soon. We need you… start with me!

  8. Hunter0500

    How arrogant, self-absorbed and self-obsessed have some gay guys become to rate other guys based upon which social media platforms they’re on or not on? Worse, how lacking in self-esteem have many gay guys become to be so desperate as to need to seek validation and acceptance from random guys on the Internet? It’s like how middle school bullies and the “In Crowd” treat those who choose to be their willing victims.

    Some guys need to learn how to treat others decently. Other guys need to grow a pair.

  9. Hot-Dad-2

    Nothing beats good ole face to face conversation! I enjoy chatting with guys online, however, I met my current playmate at my retail job. We would talk while he was at the store on various topics and such. Well, when he decided to make a move, it was face to face. To make this story shorter, when I got to his place and after more talk, I made an agreement that no matter what happens, I still wanted us to be friends even without “benefits”. We still have benefits. Moreover, without the in-person interactions, we probably would have never met, be able to watch body language as we talked and watch facial expressions. We do text often and occasionally talk on the phone, greater still, I know I will see him from once to three times a week depending on our work schedules.
    All this for meeting in-person.

  10. bjjj

    I agree with most of you guys and although I do surf the web for guys, hookups, etc, most of the time things just don’t work out with others that I chat with on the web. It’s always they can’t host, or I can’t host, or it’s too late, or to early. Or I”m too old, or your not my type, or I have to be at work, and the list goes on and on. However I met the nicest, most honest guy, and it was not through the web but face to face in a porn shop. We have known each other for over 2 years now, and we have many things in common. The only thing that’s different with the 2 of us is that he is a wonderful black man and I am white, and it doesn’t bother or concern either one of us. We do most anything and everything together, and the majority of it doesn’t even involve sex. Although sex is a wonderful thing.

  11. KC

    That is so true: online interaction removes certain things such as body language, demeanor, inflection etc that when taken cumulatively make one either attracted or not to the other. Hence online interaction is less likely successful, or very fleeting. It is very challenging to find someone through it.

  12. Lamar

    As far as the age thing, you can and do experience short-comings from both young-older alike.

    I’m mostly interested in men within my own age-group-regardless of race… I find it rather shocking, a large percentage of these men, cannot/will not fully engage verbally. They cannot express themselves, you can’t get them to write more than a sentence at a time. I can’t imagine, being face to face with these men, where you have to pry the conversation from them; strong-silent isn’t really that attractive, lmao, but puzzling-creepy as all hell!

    I love being my age of late 50’s, just want someone likewise in that respect. I don’t know if guys are just too lazy to fill out their profile or what, but there’s a lot of very dishonest ones for sure, in which, this tech., just makes it easier if you are someone who is totally predatorial. I see profiles for just what they should be, an ‘intro’ to who we are, it is like a resume to some degree, just not as formal. For those of us whom are done with bars and clubs, its great!

    It’s really a matter of ‘how’ you utilize this/these vehicles and connecting with someone with your same objectives. Just like texting, my god, man, too many people seem to think you can hold an entire conversation, texting, NO! Excuse my personable-self, I text briefly only, to make contact to see when and where, we can have more conversation/dialog.

    I think that the social-media “popularity contest,” is just for those with low esteem or something, that or “modern lifestyles” seem to be nurturing insecurities. Not to mention what hook-ups are doing to people these days; hell, if you don’t have work at it (getting to know each other-other than biblically), its not really worth it. You only really have a few good people in your life anyway, “that you can count on”.

    And yeah, racism, is a big no-no, “cause and effect”, don’t care for biasness in general. I actually, like when people state their preferences, honestly, you don’t have to discern. Judging is something that will occur, its not conclusively a bad thing like it’s made out to be, it’s essential
    to avoidance.

    • bjjj

      I don’t know why people have to be racist. Sure people have their preferences, but hatred, and being biased isn’t necessary at all. I know of several people that make racist statements all the time and it’s completely unwarranted. Maybe I feel so strong against racism as my BF is black and I am white. But with either of us it’s not a sexual thing, as so many white guys love the challenge of having sex with a black person or vice versa. We just really like each other for whom we are, which I don’t feel has anything to do with skin color. We do all kinds of things together, including overnight travel, and hardly ever do we even mention or talk about our difference in skin color. Maybe I’m weird but I don’t even feel “out of place” when I’m with a black group or a family. But I would feel very out of place with a bunch of white people thinking their better than everyone else just because of their race. No one group of people is any better than the other. Sure there are differences in culture and abilities, but that doesn’t make them any better than anyone else.

  13. dale ferguson

    Ive mastered this internet dating thing, I get laid all the time, constant profile viewers from all over the world, And I found out its all about the smiles, Ive been like 1st on the most popular page for years. It probably helps that i have the most beautiful D & A on a4a.. im just me, a hott little sexy slut… I get the cutest comments all the time, butt We know what I really want, Another Prostate Orgasm….

  14. Jockn2cbt

    My sex life has fallen thru the floor since the internet replaced the bars as the place to meet someone. Used to be I could walk into a bar, flirt a while and be out the door with someone or several someones in tow in under an hour. Face to face, there’s a committment, pretty tough to back out if you got cold feet. Now it’s the norm, I know I’ve done it. A friend or family member interrupts your plans as you’re getting ready and you end up begging off. If it’s a blind hook-up, it’s never the Brad Pitt you envision, but if the guy hasn’t stretched his lying all that much I usually follow through. I don’t get the pre-date texting, I don’t get why these young guys want me videoing them as I spray their faces (weird shit, like a scavenger hunt, these guys seem about as interested in actually being there as a cable guy would be). I know every generation doesn’t get the next, but this internet generation is downright spooky. Guys growing up with five digit dialing and knowing what a pay phone is may have grown up being raised by the tv, but at least there were regulations and censors guiding a minimal moral code. Today it’s the Wild West, no limits, no direction, no guidance, the kids are left on their own and know way too much, way too early (the first time I came -ejaculated- at eleven, I scared the hell out of myself, I thought I had finally played too hard with my dick and ruptured something….it was five months before I tried it again. Now it’s like, “better Google this”). I think maybe five to ten percent of my actual high school class had lost their virginity by graduation, now I hear of huge sex parties and gfs blowing their bfs while they play video games with friends like it’s no big deal. I hear more and more stories of kids talking about murder like it’s something to do to break up the monotony. Kids planning murder against parents that discipline them. Taking a job, learning a work ethic, learning a trade, getting a drivers license, planning a future, you might as well be from another planet. What are the lyrics here again? There’s something happening here, what it is ain’t very clear……

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