(Photo Credits: VladOrlov from Shutterstock)
Open relationships remain one of the most debated topics among gay men. Some couples swear it works, while others believe they create emotional confusion and insecurity. One gay man recently shared his experience hooking up with a married man and asked online, “Do open relationships really work?” He added:
I’ve recently been hooking up with a guy who is married. A very successful couple, and they’re both hard-working, it seems. I’m in my early 20s, and they’re both in their mid-30s.
His husband brings in most of the money, from what I gather, and they are really comfortable. I guess I’m emphasizing their class maybe because they have a different mindset from me about this kind of stuff. The guy I’m seeing has suggested a threesome between all of us, but I’ve never liked threesomes, so I declined, even though his husband is just as gorgeous.
Now, this guy and I have been seeing each other for months, and we fuck extremely passionately. Like, the amount of eye contact and noises that come out of the room are phew… And he is usually able to go multiple rounds inside me. We hold hands, kiss for hours, bring each other gifts, dance together, etc. One time, he just laid on my lap as we watched a movie, and I caressed his hair for about half an hour, and then he got horny and fucked the living shit out of me while his husband was downstairs.
Personally, I know for a fact that I would want to date him if he were single because he is my type in most ways. So, it always lingers at the back of my mind how people are able to make open relationships work without some insecurity. If I had a partner whom I loved deeply, it would honestly make me sick to my stomach to know that he was having such passionate sex and romance with someone else.
Thoughts?
Many gay men responding to the post pointed out that the situation sounds less like casual sex and more like emotional attachment developing between two people. Several commenters noted that while open relationships can absolutely work, they require very specific boundaries, communication styles, and emotional security.
One commenter emphasized that long-term open relationships do exist, but the level of emotional intimacy described in this situation stood out to him. “Mine works, and we’ve been together nearly twenty years. The depth and frequency of intimacy you’re having with this guy is rare, in my experience, however.”
Another gay man felt the younger man was clearly developing feelings for someone unavailable and suggested that open relationships do not fit his personality. “My thoughts are that you’re falling for a taken man, and you’re clearly not suited for open relationships. Sounds like a messy situation, but if the sex is good, I mean, enjoy it while it lasts. Open relationships are valid relationships, but if they’re successful is the same for monogamous. Both need to be on the same page and secure with each other to have a balanced, healthy relationship.”
Not everyone could imagine being comfortable with that kind of arrangement. Some gay men said exclusivity is important to them, like for this guy, who replied, “It’s a hard no for me. If my guy is fucking someone else, the relationship is over. Now, maybe if we were on vacation, we could play with someone together, but that would be a situation where we would never see the guy again.”
In addition, others shared their success stories from years of open marriage. “Ours has worked. Got married in 2005 in MA, been together since 2003, and [have been] open the entire time. It doesn’t work for everyone. We fully acknowledge that. I think it only works if it’s always been open and you have a shared interest and kink about it.”
Communication repeatedly came up as the key factor to successful open relationships. One commenter explained, “Depends on the people in the relationship. If both are transparent about feelings and know how to communicate and how to manage their own feelings, then yes. But that’s for any relationship, open or closed.”
Meanwhile, another guy turned the original question on its head by asking, “Does monogamy really work?” Others echoed that sentiment and argued that there is no single formula for a successful relationship. “Yes, they work for a lot of people. I know of plenty of long-term committed and married couples who have open relationships.”
Lastly, one of the most direct responses came from a gay man who felt the original poster already had his answer. “If you have to ask this question, it doesn’t work for you. It’s not for everyone. I’m open and very secure with my partner, but we’re open to fuck around because we both know that we’ll always come home. That’s it.”
Having said all that, what do you think, Adam4Adam blog readers? Could you ever be comfortable in an open relationship, or would emotional attachment make it too difficult? Have you ever fallen for someone who’s already married, and if so, how did it end? On the other hand, would you feel comfortable knowing your partner is having sex with someone else? Have you ever tried an open relationship yourself? If so, how did it go? Adam4Adam blog readers, what do you think makes relationships succeed — whether open or monogamous? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below!
Open relationships can work for guys who are not needing monogamy when it comes to sex. Some guys are that way. They may have a Top Dog or two that they are connected with emotionally, but when it comes to sex, they have guys they may have sex with alone or with their Top Dog. It’s hard for guys looking for “their one and only,” “their Prince,” or “Their One and Only Love for Ever” to relate. Nothing wrong there. Guys should seek what they are looking for and be sure they line up when it comes to any kind… Read more »
No monogamy for sex, just everything else?
As for me, I’m looking for monogamy in everything. If not, I’m considered single.
That’s exactly how I feel. I’m not the kind of guy who would desire a relationship with anyone, so I enjoy being single with no strings attached to me. I am free (and please excuse my language) to fuck who I want, whenever I want, at my own time, at my own pace, with zero commitment to anyone. So, I roll my eyes whenever I see topics of ‘open relationships’ and ‘throuples’ as all I hear from it is “relationship” which comes with certain ‘rules’ and ‘expectations’ you must agree with your ‘partner’ to make the relationship work so fuck… Read more »
That’s why I don’t understand them…HOW can you commit to somebody, but only for some things?
Depends on a person’s definition of a “Couple”? What couples the couple can be emotional, sexual, financial or all the aforementioned. Some go outside of the coupling because the sex stinks or no emotional love or no satisfactory financial security or maybe “Am I Missing Out” by being monogamous? Coupling is self-serving so it has to serve a distinct purpose.
Who’s defining “Gay Couples”? Is every , “Gay Couple” the same?
Gay men are humans, and just like other humans.
Homo Sapiens, Sapiens
I believe open relationships can be beneficial if both are willing,if one isn’t it can be Hell!I told my partner,if you want to suck or fuck another man,I am fine with that,just be upfront with me.The problem(s)is,some guys are weak minded and don’t know just sex from real care about you love.Gay and Bi men and women are going to look for outside of the home sex and if you don’t believe that,you are stupid to the Facts!
Oh, sure it does for some seemingly. Not my thing, though.
Open relationships can work as long as their is open and honest communication between everyone. Most open relationships I have seen work, are usually between partners that are emotionally dedicated to each other and may not be getting what they need physically from their partners so they get what they need outside the relationship. When feelings get involved from the third party, that is when the couple should have a conversation and probably agree it is time to move on and remind the third person that it was just physical. Or they all have a conversation and it turns Poly.… Read more »
Yes,I definitely agree with your words,I love and respect my partner.We are a older mature couple,that still like sex,it can be just playing with some dick or rubbing on some ass.Talk about it and be honest,most importantly keep it in the house,dont let your business be a open book(s),that is why I mostly love married men,we enjoy ourselves,he goes home,if one wants to connect again,I am fine with it,Sex only!
Yes, I cheated on you last night and will again tonight. That’s not hurtful. Stupid reasoning. Meanwhile, the third party is screwed, literally.
I’m in a throuple relationship. We’ve been together for 12 years. They have been together 43. We’ll play with others on vacation.. but strictly a sex thing. The thought of seeing either of my partners kissing anyone else makes my blood boil! It’s a trauma thing from a previous relationship and is an absolute no go. Also our city is small and everyone knows everyone.
Kissing makes your blood boil, but sex is perfectly fine?
They last longer than most of these fake monogamy relationships.
Only if two people don’t give a damn about the other. But being a couple means having romantic feelings for one another. Open relationship will never work because feelings of jealousy and resentment will eventually cause a lot of friction in the relationship. There’s a reason why many prefer “No strings attached” hookups or FWBs…it saves many the headache of unwanted expectations and possessiveness of another. So, if you can’t keep it in your pants, you better off staying single and not agree or commit to any kind of relationship.
How can you commit to a person, but have to go elsewhere to get what that person can’t offer?
That just sounds like you’ll never be truely happy with them.
& is that right for either of you?
I’ve always felt like that, too.
I’ve been fortunate enough to have found someone to experience a long term connection with only a couple of times. The dirty side of gay life is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Most people when blessed to find the perfect partner no matter the level of connection are still checking out butts of potential new partners, as if constantly on the prowl.
I realistically strive to enjoy the moment with no delusions that it’ll not last, I try never to confuse Mr right for Mr RightNow.
Sometimes YES, AND SOMETIMES NO!!! You can’t generalize all relationships, every single one is unique. The same goes for straights, GAYS are still human!!! Lololol
Dr. Drew Pinsky said that when a relationship starts involving other people, it is on the way to being over. Maybe gay men are a bit different, but considering the risk to your partner, cheating is just cheating.
Hey Virgin, if your relationship is open, then it’s not cheating.
All I know is this str8 top who’s NOT looking to be in a relationship is turned off by guys saying they are in them. I don’t want to know. I ruins it for me and I pass. I think a lot of guys claim to be in them but really aren’t so they can avoid men who are looking to be in a serious relationship with a guy. But then again, the guy could be saying that because his partner agreed to an open relationship but really in fact he’s looking to “offload” the guy without says as much.… Read more »
Several years ago I was approached about being a third wheel/Party with a Couple of professionals that were looking to enhance their relationship. What wasn’t explained initially was that I would basically be a surrogate for sex for the one Partner while the other one watched, a Voyeur. I still remember the first meeting between the three of us and was very attracted to the one Partner and I think the other Guy picked up on it very quickly. Without asking too many questions I was informed the one Partner had some medical issues and his sexual activity was limited… Read more »
It’s the best way to have a relationship, as there is no need for either person to lie about getting it on with other guys, because everyone does.
Each relationship is different, as are those in the relationships. My now ex and I were open, and it was successful. To this day, we are still best of friends, and our breaking up had nothing to do with being open. We were together 16 years and have known each other for almost 31 years. Sometimes we did threesomes or foursomes, sometimes we did one on one or group sex with others. There were threesome partners we had in which there may have only been continued interest with/from one of us. We also told each other about other hook ups… Read more »