(Photo Credits: Karolina Grabowska from Pexels)
Some people say things that they don’t realize are offensive, and while they didn’t mean to do so (some of them are even well-meaning), we couldn’t help but feel the negative impact of their comments. This, by the way, is called microaggressions.
According to Sue et al. (2007), as cited by the Psychology Benefits Society, “microaggressions are the everyday encounters of subtle discrimination that people of various marginalized groups experience throughout their lives.”
What are some examples of this? For one, and I know that most of us if not all, have probably heard of this phrase: “That’s so gay,” and then there’s “No homo!”
Anyway, a number of gay men recently talked about this, thanks to a guy who asked the community:
What are some of the mildly offensive things that straight people naively say to you?
I’m not talking about overt homophobia, but more like some of the little societal micro-aggressions from people who probably mean well. Here are some that I’ve been on the receiving end of:
You’re gay? But you don’t act gay! (When it comes down to it, I act extremely gay.)
Are you and your husband still together? (I think the phrase they’re looking for is How’s your husband doing?)
Oh, My cousin/uncle/accountant is gay! (Do other minorities get this one?)
Really curious which ones you’ve been subjected to!
According to the respondents, here are some of such phrases they’ve heard:
- “We’re cool as long as you don’t hit on me.”
- “Would you sleep with a woman if you had to?”
- “I accept you, it’s not my place to judge, I don’t decide who gets into heaven.”
- “I don’t hate you; I hate your sin.”
- “You’re gay, but you’re cool.”
- “The gay community isn’t the only community you should spend time with…”
- A girl finds me attractive and I tell her I’m gay. “Ugh. What a waste.”
- “Hey I have a gay friend you guys should date”
- “Martial arts? But you’re gay!”
- “You’re so handsome. It’s such a pity.”
- “Who’s the man and who’s the woman?”
- “I tolerate you.”
What about you, guys? Have you ever been on the receiving end of such comments? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below!
You can only be offended if you choose to be offended. Some people, now a days entitle themselves to be offended by whatever comes their way, whether it affects them directly, indirectly or not at all. Most of it in social media and not how they would ever respond face-to-face. Most of the comments above a totally not offensive. They have a shred of truth in them, if one looks for it before going off all offended. These comments are either innocent or the result of the propagation of Gay Stereotype (Fem, Flaming, Flamboyant) by “The Community” in medial. The… Read more »
You can only be hit by a car if you “choose” to be hit by a car??????
You can choose to be aware, instead of oblivious, of what’s going on in your surroundings and know when to be in or not be in the road. Especially, just because there’s a crosswalk, does not mean you can step into it whenever you wish.
I know someone who believes that.
As a multiple minority (mixed race, Jewish and gay) I get these all the time on multiple levels. Yes when people find out I’m black or Jewish they tell me about the black or Jewish relative, friend or associate. or they tell me how they would have never guessed. The one that stands our was at a family reunion. A relative had little to no interaction with growing up and hadn’t seen in decades told me after some obligatory polite small talk, I don’t approve of your lifestyle! I responded, I’m sorry. After a brief pause added, that you think… Read more »
For those that look for or are offended by these examples, I say toughen up buttercup
“I support your lifestyle”
I hate that, its not a lifestyle, its how you are born. Really is one of the only things that bothers me
Chris:
Homosexual is what you were born with if you believe that Homosexuality is innate?
Gay is Lifestyle.
Thus, when someone says that they “Support Your Lifestyle,” they are supporting the Societal bent
of Homosexuality.
I agree, There’s no such thing as a gay lifestyle. That term, usually used by people who have no gay friends, is a thinly disguised reference to SEX as their narrative of gay men is that all we do is hang out in bars and have sex.
Lifestyle, by definition, means “the usual way of life of a person, group, or society. The way we live.” Lifestyles can be dictated by both nature and choice.
Those that choose to let the term “lifestyle” offend them, handcuff its definition solely to mean that being gay is a matter of nature. And they assume that anyone who uses the term “lifestyle” when referring to Gays are saying that it’s a choice.
Yes I’m gay. Am I Offended? Not in the least.
The crudeness I see coming from the gay community is what disturbs me.
“Oh! I don’t have anything against gays.”
Nothing. People gotta stop being sensitive pussies.
“I’ll pray for you!” Said by those who’s lives are less than exemplary. They’re the ones needing prayer. The most bothersome things said to me come from gays themselves. Being bi, I’m told I’m confused, ashamed to admit I’m gay, can’t make a commitment. Said by guys who themselves had sexual identity issues when younger, and can’t keep a relationship. I know who and what I am and never once questioned it, nor do I oppologize for it. Doesn’t matter the subject, the situation, or the person, there will always be someone out there with a negative opinion. Why should… Read more »
So commend them on the idea and ask them to offer pray on the spot. Be sincere. “Dear Lord, thank you for bringing the two of us together today. We pray for your help and guidance to become loving and accepting of each other beyond misconceptions. Amen.”
That’s clever. Thanks.
The alleged offensive comments are not offensive. Some are simply setting boundries(everyone should). Some are just curiosity(who knows where that might lead). Some are just a neutral opinion. If one makes a mountain out of a more hill eventually your going to get an avalanche.
Nothing offends me because I’m a grown ass adult, which a large majority of gay people aren’t all they do is run around crying like a damn
two year old. Grow the hell up you bunch of sissies!
I knew you were gay.
Anyone else mildly offended by this comment.
“I always suspected that you were/are gay, but I didn’t want to ask the obvious because I wanted to
extend to you the ‘benefit-of-the-doubt'”
“We figured you are either: gay or college educated” because I’m African Amer. and speak the spoken English.
Lamar,
When “The Dipshits” try to interject their “Homophobia,” I sock-it-to-
them with…
I am a Graduate of “The USMA” at West Point and did my Masters at
Cornell!
It shuts them quicker than they opened and they walk away – either with
their dicks tucked between their legs or their tits begin to atrophy and
their bras
need adjustments!
I am neither “Bewitched, Bothered nor Bewildered”!
I know exactly what you’re talking about.
You should acknowledge their clever observation, even though it’s not really clever. Why? It gives you both dignity. Face it– some people aren’t so bright. Let them think so.
I do acknowledge their misguided wit and insight by pointing out that neither holds
water.
Those who feel the need to assert their superiority are really trying to cope with their
inferiority.
What can be more effective than pointing out their futile attempts to assert
themselves? They walk away, defeated or deflated, to be seen nevermore?
Anyone who takes offense at something said on social media has way too thin skin! But…offensive remarks said to you directly are easily responded to and with enough tact to set the offender on his/her ass! ie. “tell me… at what age did you ‘come out?’ …. Don’t “approve” of the “lifestyle”…too many straight men are sitting at a Hooters bar with their head in their cups while the wife is home doing dishes!
“Please don’t tell my wife/girlfriend/mother”
“Should I swallow?”
After I’m plunged balls deep, “I forgot to take an enema”, along with “Maybe I shouldn’t have had those chili poppers”
And my all time favorite, “Tell my wife it was your poppers in my glove box”
. . . After all of these years, no, I’m not offended, by ‘their’ ignorance; taking the opportunity, afforded me, to educate them on ‘their’ iqnorance, narrow-mindedness, etc. Once there was this young man I worked with, he made some comment about “black men and Cadillac’s”, this is Minnesota, mind you; ok, so I proceeded to inform him, “the company, when black men first began purchasing cars; this manufacturer, was the only company, that would sell to black men.” In conclusion, he realized his iqnorance, after I said to him of his 1/2 Native ancestry; guess this is why for… Read more »
My very existence is mildly offensive to some gay guys, because I’m bi-married (to my wife of many years) and carry on a completely discreet gay sex life on the side. Otherwise, “by day” I’m as hetero as they come and have nothing to do with the gay community. I’m in it for the sex and not the culture or community because I’m so deeply locked in the closet. Some gay guys have cussed me out, calling me shameful, but not because I do it behind my wife’s back; rather, they accuse me of being some sort of gay “freeloader.”
They offended but they still have sex with you. And those so called gays are cheating on their boyfriends or so called husbands. Before they label you a gay freeloader, they should look at themselves. You just want to get your rocks off, nothing wrong with that.
Of course most the “married” guys that are starving for fun but in denial are the ones married to woman (Fun Fact)
I’m not at all in denial. I know who I am and what I want. Just so happens that in my life, it would be catastrophic to ever come out.
Appreciate your support! The one who most comes to mind was a guy I had met via a4a and had really hot sex with 2 time and he knew what I was all about at the time. But later on when I approached him a 3rd get-together, he got all on his soapbox about me not being part of the so-called ‘community’ and that was the end of it – I mean, like, he really ranted at me (thru an a4a message). I never let these things get me down but this one left an impression for sure.
Very much like you. I don’t, however, consider myself “in the closet.” It’s a term usually used (by Gays especially) in a derogatory manner. Somehow you are hiding. from others as well as yourself, and denying some supposed, required homage to “all the Proud Gays who came before you to fight the battle for acceptance and have “COME OUT!’ Anyone who wants to “come out” has the right to do so. But anyone who chooses to let their sexuality be known to those who they feel need to know has that right. I don’t hide my sexuality. I don’t deny… Read more »
Wow, you covered a lot of ground here and most, if not all, of it I agree with. I could take an opposite approach to yours by simplifying it this way – at least insofar as I’m concerned: 1. Men arouse me sexually and I desire sex with them. 2. I’ve always chosen to live a straight lifestyle. To do that without hurting my loved ones or myself, I choose to keep my sexploits to myself, knowing full well that I can’t live the life I want to live if anyone finds out. Not sure whether there are people out… Read more »
To me, it comes down to malice. We all say tacky ass shit, usually based on ignorance but I’m willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt that their intent is not meant to hurt unless they consistently do it, but frankly, I’d take an honest person with their foot in their mouth over a malevolent sweetheart any day. Then I know what is in their heart and whether I want them to be in my universe. We’ve gotten too sensitive about words and I refuse to empower them over me and the people I choose to have in… Read more »
“You don’t act gay” is my favorite. I’ve also heard “I always knew you were gay” which is not much better. “He wears nice shoes and tight pants” (my pants don’t sag, but they’re not tight) was unbelievable because it came from a flaming queen. The worst offense is when straight guys ask if I’ve ever been with a black guy. (I’m white.)
Toughen up, Buttercup! We are in a *minority* in this society. We have to understand that not everyone is going to be precisely what we need, tied up in pink satin ribbons; tolerance and acceptance are one thing, but demanding kid-glove-treatment at all times is unrealistic and childish. Grow up and learn to let gaffes roll off your back. Reject Marxist programming, which tries to exacerbate problems instead of letting them fade away. Wounds do not heal if you keep picking at them.
I’ve read Marx end to end, Trotsky, all of the “revolutionaries”. Today, we don’t have Marxist programming in the sense you portend. I agree that we need to educate the gay communities that many non-gay people seem to fear what they don’t understand, and burble stupid things because of that problem. Fear drives many to criticize what they feel they fear. Straight people have nothing to fear from me. Some of them, like those in the rainbow communities, are plainly boundary-less pathological liars. And some are warm and human, and all in-between. When people lash out, they’re in fear. One… Read more »