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Did you always know you were gay or bisexual, or did you assume you were straight at first? When you first felt attraction towards men, did it make sense for you, or did you try to explain it away? At what point did things finally click? Was it a turning point of curiosity, or just a slow descent into denial?
Many gay and bisexual men begin their journey of self-discovery based on assumptions, not immediate certainty. According to Joe Kort, a Michigan-based psychotherapist and certified clinical sexologist known for his work on sexuality and relationships, most men don’t grow up identifying as gay or bi. Instead, they grow up believing they are straight, because that’s the only framework they’re given early on.
Kort explains that when same-sex attraction first appears, it’s often not immediately recognized as part of one’s identity. Instead, it’s interpreted as curiosity, experimentation, or even a temporary phase. Some men compartmentalize these feelings, labeling them as purely physical or as a kink or fetish, separate from who they are. This creates a disconnect between behavior and identity that can last for years.
Over time, however, that separation becomes harder to sustain. What once felt like an isolated experience starts to form a pattern. The feelings don’t disappear—they deepen, repeat, and demand recognition. For many, this is when the shift begins. What was once dismissed starts to make sense in a new way, leading to a realization that it was never just about behavior; it was always part of identity.
This gradual awakening is more common than many realize. It reflects not confusion, but conditioning. When only one identity is presented as “normal” during childhood, it becomes the default lens through which everything else is interpreted. Breaking out of that framework takes time, reflection, and often, personal experience.
Understanding sexuality as an inherent part of who someone is—not something to suppress, reinterpret, or explain away—is a key message in Dr. Kort’s work. It challenges the idea that identity must be immediate or obvious. Instead, it acknowledges that for many, self-recognition is a process shaped by environment, culture, and internal dialogue.
Having said all that, what about you, Adam4Adam blog readers? Did you once believe you were straight before realizing something didn’t quite fit? When did things start to shift for you? Was there a specific moment, or did it unfold over time? Do you think things would have been different if you had more representation growing up? And what would you tell someone who is still in that in-between space? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments down below!
I did think I was straight until I was around age 25. It was the first time I saw my neighbor sunbathing. I just couldn’t stop watching. It was also the biggest cock I had ever seen in person. I would constantly try to catch him again. It happened an handful of times. I actually followed him one day thats when I thought I might be gay. I also pretended to like Star Trek ( I can’t stand it) because he always wore the T shirts. I made my way into his friend circle. One night we were having drinks,… Read more »
Looking back on it I never once thought that I was absolutely straight. But I often thought I was absolutely gay. The funny thing is I can have really nice close friendships or even semi romantic connection with women but I only wanted sex with other men. Sex with women was rather dull and felt mechanical but sex with men is unfuckingbelievable.
What!!!! LMFAO! No.
I can admit I once thought I was straight back in my high school years. When I was still going through puberty, I used to be very attracted to this beautiful girl back then, even written her a love letter, only to have my feelings hurt when she rejected me. Now at the time, I was also attracted to boys too, and I’ve grown up in a very Christian household, so I thought maybe I was confused since I was too young to fully understand what my sexually was. After the rejection, I still find myself attracted to women even… Read more »
Do you want to fuck them or wear their outfits? There’s an difference.
There is no difference as I’m not flamboyant. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t embrace my masculinity. I dress and behave in the same manner as any straight guy does. Needless to say yeah I wanted to fuck her. But that was in the past. Do I feel that way about women now? No. And there’s no confusion as I’m old enough to know what I’m into and what I’m not.
Thank you for making that clear. Sometimes you hear the confusion amongst some.
Absolutely. I’m a man and want to have sex with another who wants a man. Not some guy who wants me cosplay.
Excellent post Kevin179! Sounds like you have embraced your homosexuality without needing to offer apologies or excuses to anyone. Best way to honor your soul and being!! I had to chuckle when reading because the girl I had a crush on pretended to like me back. A decade later I found out she was using me as her beard. She is full on dyke, and we laughed our asses off after coming out to one another. You seem like a good man, and I hope you find everything that you are looking for in this life. Rock On brother!!
Actually, the first time I knew I had to be straight? When I had to stretch upwards and extend my back to reach the cookie jar!
LOL! LOL! LOL!
Never thought or WANTED to be straight and I don’t ENVY A SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!
We all wanted to be the Professor but you wanted to be Mrs. Howell!
Not me AH, don’t confuse me with your WARPED BRAIN!
Perhaps, he wanted to be Virginia/Vagina Woolf?
We left that for you mystery thing!!!
Damn . Can you let people share their thoughts and opinions without your stupid interjections. You are so god damn rude.
Nope I’ll say whatever the FUCK I wanna say. Got a problem with that???
at first i did til i found out differently
Growing up in household of 3 older straight males and attending a conservative church, being straight was what was expected and to be. So it never dawned on me that I was anything else until about 16 in 11th grade. I met a boy in my geometry class that literally changed my world. Next thing you know I had feelings for a same sex person.. who shared same feleing for me. He became my first boyfriend. So I went from str8 to being Bi. For me it was just something I found out about myself… we dated for 4 and… Read more »
It is natural to want to be like everyone else. Gay awareness begins around puberty when you start to become sexual. But I didn’t know until Hugh Hefner, God bless him, put a photo of a naked man in Playboy, and I could immediately see that his body was more interesting than the woman next to him. And Penthouse had some bisexual content in its Forums, though I later found out they were by professional writers. Then Playgirl appeared to confirm everything, though I didn’t know the movie stars posing for it were gay, except for maybe Lyle Waggoner.
I was even younger than puberty when I realized what interested me. It, too, came from one of my uncle’s Penthouse magazines, when I saw a woman on one page, then turned to see a guy and it was like a light went on!
It’s funny you say that about Playboy! My dad used to get Playboy’s and I would slip into his bathroom sometimes to get a look at them. There’s a lot of curiosity and there’s no doubt women can be very attractive. But it was funny that it always felt a little almost like out of body experience. I appreciated it and I admired it but it didn’t make me all turned on. Then one night while my parents were downstairs I again slipped into my father’s bathroom and started glancing through the Playboy. Again some very attractive women. This was… Read more »
I, like most men, was raised from birth to be heterosexual. So, yes, I thought I was straight, then bi as I was coming out to myself. When fully out to myself at 26, I knew and fully accepted that I am gay. I only find men physically and sexually attractive, and only desire emotional intimacy, romance, and love, with men. Lost many people in the coming out process and I wouldn’t change a thing. Self-love and Self-Acceptance is everything. Best wishes to anyone currently experiencing their own coming out.
I understand greatly and share the same sentiment. And thanks for sharing your story as reading this encouraged me to continue being who I am as a person. Since I’m still in my late 20s, I still get from time-to-time peer pressured by other young men and women into doing things that contradict and violates my Sexuality. Whenever I’m feeling down by other’s homophobia even within the gay community, I’ll keep your words in my thoughts to keep being me no matter what 🙂
Hey buddy. I appreciate your kind and thoughtful response. Late 20’s is a very normal time for men to come out to themselves as gay, so sounds like you are right on time brother. As an older mature man, my advice to you and everyone is to own who you are without apologies and never make excuses. Honor yourself by never allowing others to intrude upon your physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries. When I came out to myself, I said out loud looking into the mirror, “no matter what happens or who I lose in this process I will never… Read more »
I always knew, but I thought it would go away when I got married at 18, yes to a woman, it never went away. Now at 63 still gay.
Are you still married?
No,divorced 30 years .
Hi Brian. I was married at 21. Same age as you now. We were born homosexual and I am glad I came out, ended my marriage to a woman, and lived a genuine life. No regrets!
I don’t think we are born this way but I’m happy I got turned out.many of us spent a lot of time around big mama. We ended up picking up her ways. Me and my mother like the same type of guys. That’s not an coincidence.
DEFINITELY GENETIC, not LEARNED OR CHOSEN!!
This is an incorrect statement. There are cases involving learned behavior. We have proven cases at Prager University reversing these learned patterns. We also assisted members on this forum. It doesn’t work for all though. I also have videos on social media platforms, if you need assistance or education on this matter.
Yeah whatever dude, what’s the next study at Prager U, HOW MANY ANGELS CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN??? Lololololol
It took me into my 30’s with two kids and wife, to finally admit to myself that I was gay. It was an awful, hard, tearful day. It meant you were all of the mean spirited things kids used to say in the school yard about ‘gay’. It took 3 more decades before I really became open. I’m single now, but it took some time to find my own voice and narrative in life. At times I’m envious of younger gay people who don’t face as much resistance in family life and socially coming out. I’m well adjusted and happy… Read more »
It is wonderful that you were able to weather that storm. You should never have to feel you’re letting people down for being true. Your humanity and sensitivity didn’t change.
Doug, so glad to hear you honored your soul by accepting yourself completely enabling you to come out and live an authentic life. We all deserve to. Hugs to you brother!!
Nope. I knew I was attracted to men before I knew there was a name for it. I’ve always had good relationships with girls/women. I dated a lot in high school and had a great time. Then one day I was at a frriends house, talking about a date the night before, and his mother asked if I walked my dates to the door and gave them a goodnight kiss when the date was over. It never even occurred to me that I was supposed to be trying to kiss them. That was the last time I had a date… Read more »
Never. Nunca. Nyet.
I thought I was straight until I saw that Donald Trump spread in Playgirl. I wore that scratch & sniff out!
I was very confused when i was younger but not anymore. I often forget I’m gay sometimes. I’m not in denial and love everything about me. I would say 99.9% of my friends are straight. We do sporting events and sports bar all the time. The subject (gay) rarely comes up. The f-word is like the n-word now. People are careful not to use those words. If heard using those words in public, you will be frowned at. A person could lose their job if heard using those two words nowadays. Plus all straight guys including my friends, have a… Read more »
“The f-word…”
Fem? Fairy? Fudge pusher? Fucking homo? Oh, wait … Fag or Faggot. Don’t hear that much anymore.
I’m going to tell you one time cause I don’t go back and forth with queens. I work in law enforcement. Please do not play with me. You have been very disrespectful to me and Jeff. That stops today.
Thanks buddy, some people are just born AHs and never change!
Nope. Haven’t heard that f-word out loud in a long time.
I just love your alternate reality. I wish I could live in this wonderful wakanda.
And Fruit or Fruitcake.
This has to be an AI bot. No gay person with a functioning brain would post such nonsense. If this is real, you clearly are more confused today. (I often forget I’m gay sometimes. I’m not in denial and love everything about me. I would say 99.9% of my friends are straight. We do sporting events and sports bar all the time. The subject (gay) rarely comes up.) 2nd take: (I often forget I’m black sometimes. I’m not in denial and love everything about me. I would say 99.9% of my friends are white. We do sporting events and sports… Read more »
What are you RAVING ABOUT, dude?
Hey Jeff,
I was going to respond to that “thing” but I decided not too. I refuse to waste any of my energy on him. Lol
interesting. I didn’t catch that.
I remember when I was 12… I discovered a gloryhole in a park bathroom .. an older black man was jacking his dick.. I’d never seen anything like it before… he stuck it thru the hole and told me to rub it and I did… then he told me to put it in my mouth and I did… after that day I knew I wasn’t straight and I also knew my purpose in life… I hung out at the park a lot after that
The twelve-year-old me would have been repulsed, but for the now me, that experience would have been a thrill I would cheriesh the memoruy of. How I envy you!
How in the world do you envy an sexual assault victim??? ( what’s wrong with you people, Jesus Christ)
And I am guessing the men at the work were very happy you hung out there a lot!! I would have too!! Rock On!!
That’s actually child molestation.
I’m so saddened by this. I just wish you would have decent guardians to protect you. Your childish innocence should have not been sacrificed. There but for the Grace of God…
From the moment I became aware of sex and sexuality, I knew I was attracted to men. When my peers were raving about women’s tits and asses, I was interested in pecs and triceps. This was the late 1960s/early 1970s when the only Gays you saw we fem, flamboyant, fairies. I didn’t relate to them act like them. And was certainly no attracted to them. So I went “functionally straight.” It turned out very well. Almost two decades ago, I was able to look into and then finally enjoy men.
Gee I can almost imagine the level of homophobia back in those days. I’ve been told that people treated gay men and women very brutally in the 60s, 70s, 80s and even the 90s. Aside from that, I agree I’m not a fan of fairies and fem type guys myself as femininity is a major turn-off. I don’t mind if a guy is a little bit flamboyant just as long as he doesn’t try wearing makeup, nail polish, and wigs and I’d be interested as I do enjoy their eager submissiveness whenever I have sex with them. But much prefer… Read more »
I’m a gay men but I get turned off with guys that flamboyant or guys who enjoy submissiveness. Either you have to be as masculine as me or you might as wear an dress.But much prefer a much more masc behaving guy like myself though whenever I say that I get a lot of negative feedback on this site as well as on Grindr which is crazy lol.
Back in fifties New York I knew creeps who would beat up guys just because they were “queer.” So sad.
The BIGGEST HOMOPHOBES are the BIGGEST CLOSET CASES!!! Anyone that is SECURE IN THEIR SEXUALITY doesn’t care about other people’s SEX LIVES!!!
That still went on in the 80s. I remember when guys would cruise “ the rambles “ at Central Park. Every now and then, straight guys would ambush with bats and chains. Most of us would run for life and come back a couple days later. That’s just how it was.
Why didn’t you bring BIGGER BATS AND CHAINS? I sure wouldn’t RUN or turn the other cheek, no matter WHAT I had to do, LEGAL or NOT!
Your post reminds me of a young man I met several years ago. I was at a solar racing event in Topeka Kansas back in the 90s and there was a good looking slender guy sitting off to the side, away from the crowd. I watched him for a few minutes and realized he was avoiding people but was part of the event. He was very effeminate but not the flamboyant type and I found him to be very attractive. I went over and sat down next him and quickly discovered he already knew who I was. I really wanted… Read more »
What is interesting in this thread is the diversity of experience and the dismissive tone some take towards experiencing oneself initially rather than immediately owning a gay identity. We need to try to put ourselves in another’s shoes before judging.
I thought I was straight until just a few years ago. Even though I’d occasionally have sex with a guy. I’m mostly attracted to women and until recently only viewed my sex with men as an “outlet”. Weird to say it wasn’t till I was about 50 that I “came out to a friend” and it was the greatest day ever. When I said it it felt like I was coming out to myself. I finally accepted what I am.
To me, the entire sexuality thing is a bit elusive. At ten, a friend and I sucked each other off in a if you show me, I’ll show you event. No big deal, did nothing for me. At 13 me and another buddy exchanged blow jobs and I was hooked on sex. We did each other and I met several other buddies, over time, who enjoyed exchanging sexual favors too. Then girls came along. I loved my first sexual encounter with a girl. I was a late bloomer and didn’t push it with my girlfriend…was having plenty of sex with… Read more »
100% agree that describe me 100% but i would say we are BI
We are what we are. Those are my sexual feelings, I just don’t know why we need a name or a label for everything.
Never
I can recall lying in bed at five years old, wishing I had other boys there with me, naked. I guess I’ve known my entire life that I prefer men over women, despite the fact that I lived most of my adult life as a straight, married man with kids. Now that I’m divorced and the kids are all grown, I only date men. My ex wife wanted to dom me and peg me and I pretended that I found it offensive. Wtf was I thinking??
Growing up my dad always had straight porn around the house and of course I would sneak a peak at it. At 12 or 13 I discovered masturbating to it. I was hooked….. as i got older started dating girls, had my first real girlfriend a 16. She would suck me, i would finger her and eat her pussy…. it was amazing, again I was hooked….. had lots and lots of girl friends and lots and lots of sex. Got married in my early 30’s to a woman. It only lasted a year. Then the internet came along and started… Read more »
I was in a Starbucks once and thought the short-haired male barista was really hot. Then he turned around and I realized it was a butch lesbian. That was as close as I ever came to being straight. But I still would have fucked her. So I may be more like a Kinsey 5.999 instead of a perfect 6.
Butch lesbians often have good pussy. Especially if can hit those walls. If you stroke them well, they forget for a second.
That’s not the way sexuality works, but thanks for your attempt at contributing your two cents.
LOL! There was a good looking dude in the truck beside me. I decided to keep an eye on him as we drove the highway. Got close enough to discover the best lookin butch dyke ever! Needless to say, my chubby shrunk into itself and I LMAO!!
My hardon didn’t go anywhere. I would have flipped her on my shoulder, carried her to the bathroom, eaten her pussy, and got her pregnant. But I’m pretty sure she wasn’t into dudes.
John things are different from the old days. Some of the mess around with guys, so you never know. If you can get your wackier hard, you may have a shot . ( just for play, not relationship)
Isn’t that something! The beeotches sometimes make better looking dudes than we do even when we were boys!
I guess we all felt we were Str8 at point in our lives usually our youth. Whether by the social norms or upbringing.
Ok…..growing up was without a doubt confusing. Yeah it became very clear especially around high school when in gym class we would head to the showers then I would do everything possible to not have my dick get hard. So at that point, I definitely knew that I liked guys or at least were sexually attracted to them. However, I also knew that the girl Lynette was hot as shit had big tits and a great body. I knew that I wanted my face in between those boobs and my dick in her pussy. So that wasn’t a forced thing… Read more »
Please don’t go to a leather bar, some man will take your ass and you’ll never want to go home! The power of the cock is overwhelming.
i had my first male encounter when i was 12 and it freaked me out cos i was taught that men only liked women and did not engage in sexual contact with the same sex. it was a sin!!! credit small town, conservative, english, catholic upbringing with contributing to my sexual confusion. it took a long time to understand that i enjoyed sex with men but i also enjoyed sex with women. i was a voracious sexual animal in my 20’s right up until i was in my late 50’s. then something happened and i discovered that, as much as… Read more »