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Love isn’t always simple, especially when it collides with culture, religion, and family expectations. Such is the case of this gay man who recently shared online the heartbreak of loving a man who, after almost four years together, still isn’t out to his family. Their relationship is full of affection, stability, and deep connection—but also secrecy, frustration, and an uncertain future. His story shines a light on the painful reality of dating someone who may never be able to live openly. He shared, “Almost 4 years in and he’s still not out. I don’t know what I got myself into.”
Further, he added:
25M dating 27M. We met in college when I was 21 and he was 23. How can my soulmate be the one to destroy me?
He comes from a Middle Eastern Muslim family. His family isn’t from America, and when we first started dating, I didn’t know how serious being gay was in that culture. He’d tell me that he’d think about coming out at some point, so that gave me hope. But it’s clear now that it will never happen.
It’s so fucking crazy because I feel like we virtually have it all. Nice place, nice friends, support. But I’ve always felt this pain in my chest. I never intended to date someone who wasn’t out this long. But we fell deep in love, and it’s so hard for me to turn away. We work so well together and have built so much. I feel like I’ll never find someone like him again.
But on the flip side, I feel like I’ll never be happy. He goes to family events, speaks to his family weekly, and seems content with having a life outside of me that I can’t touch, see, or feel. It feels weird to me that he’s ok with knowing his family won’t accept him or me, but he still interacts with them. I always thought you were supposed to put your partner up high; I guess it’s not the same for us. It feels weird when he tells me they use the f-slur around him and he’s just quiet.
The poster goes on to describe years of waiting, fights whenever the subject comes up, and the painful realization that marriage and children might remain out of reach: “I feel like a fucking fraud cuz when I look in his eyes I see the love of my life but I know that I can’t do this. I’m not 21 sneaking around anymore. I want marriage. I want KIDS. He says he wants to be out to do those things but my question is when?!”
Many readers sympathized while pointing out the cultural and personal barriers involved. One gay man responded, “As soon as you mentioned he was Muslim it all clicked for me. I’m not in your position but I was a PA to a highly born Muslim man and he was gay. I totally understand where you are coming from. He is HIGHLY unlikely to change. I won’t say impossible because nothing is impossible but basically yeah – he won’t change. If not then leave. I’m sorry but it really is as simple as that.”
Another shared, “While I wouldn’t want to be in a secret relationship, I could maybe deal with never meeting the family. But I draw the line at being their secret lover while they get married and start a family.”
Others were even more direct, like this gay man who said, “I could never be in a long-term relationship with someone who isn’t out. No matter how much I loved them, I wouldn’t want to be their dirty secret. I have more self-respect than for them to treat me like that. I’d end it. You’ll never be truly happy.”
Meanwhile, one guy pointed out the practical reality, “Hard to have children, and to a lesser extent get married, while he’s invested in your relationship being kept a secret from his family. If he’s unable to talk about painful, difficult subjects with you in an open, kind, calm, conflict-free manner then he’s not someone you want to be with for a lifetime anyway.”
And another reminded the original poster (OP) that choices have consequences, “OK, I know you’re hurting and that sucks, but let’s not change the narrative here. You’re getting exactly what you signed up for. You made the choice to date a closeted guy and now you’re dealing with the very foreseeable consequences. You could always breakup.”
The story raises tough questions for anyone who has loved someone who isn’t ready—or able—to come out. Have you ever been in a similar relationship? If so, how did you handle it? Did you wait, walk away, or find a compromise? Even if you haven’t experienced it, what advice would you give this 25-year-old? If you were in his place, would you stay with the person you love or leave to protect your future happiness? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section down below.
As long as he’s gay? Sure.
The OP has known for years what the partner’s family dynamic was. Expecting his partner to choose him over his family is unloving. “I feel like we virtually have it all.” “Feel like” and “virtually” are the OP’s problem. He has to stop “feeling” and see the situation for what it is. “Virtually” means “almost”, not “actually”. It’s never up to a partner or society to make us happy. The OP should have respected himself long ago by freeing himself from the situation, in a graceful and loving manner of course. He’s willingly disserving himself while claiming he’s a victim.… Read more »
Well said Hunter.
Yeah, well, the partner excluding him from being like family is bullshitting himself, too. Maybe the OP has some issues himself and his partner doesn’t want his family to know he’s hooked up with such a loser. Or maybe it’s that Muslim faith thing where it’s OK to fuck boys for fun but it’s not OK to fall in love with them. But you’re right that extraction part. They both should have tempered their expectations after coming to realistic terms about how things were going to be when they both realized there would never be a full partnership. Done properly,… Read more »
BIG difference between DATING a closeted guy and trying to build a committed LTR with one. I’d DATE one in a HEARTBEAT if he was my type – but hella no to a LTR if he’s never gonna change and I’m not satisfied with the drawbacks and limitations for the rest of my life!!! 🙁
Agree. Casual date or FWB is one thing but no way would I ever go down that path again with someone that is sooo closeted and refusing to change. Dated a Guy years ago….SAF, handsome and very eager/willing sexually but could never get over the stigma of being Gay. One day we had that conversation and he actually admitted that he could never see himself come OUT and I replied “yea I am sure it would be hard to explain why you spend so much time in my bed, between my legs or so intent on eating ass for hours.”… Read more »
The MEG was with his family long before he met his current partner. That is the undeniable reality and that is the reality the guy interacts with. Baggage is always no more or no less, and baggage can be an Albatross. Some baggage can be carried onboard, some baggage cannot. Thus, either one or the other capitulates or the relationship eventually is dissipate? An impasse, indeed?
Richard Jeni had a line … a small carry-on or a big ol Jed Clampit smelly ass truckload of baggage.
and we both know what happens when you cannot dispose of garbage…
For a while.
Coming out. The topic here says the problem was a boyfriend who would not.
Should all Gay guys Come Out? Some Gay guys believe yes because we owe homage to those who fought for acceptance. Others say being born Gay shouldn’t come with any social requirements because that’s exactly the kind of freedom Gay guys should have.
A4A should open a Blog discussion on this: Coming Out, In the Closet, Down Low: What are you? What should anyone be?
yo, we all cum’ out ———-> sum’ cum out shout’n sum’ cum out on hummin’
It’s a personal choice that people of age, make for themselves. How dare another person think they have the authority, to tell another adult what’s best for them in regard to coming out.
Yes I would.
Hell no! I want a man who has the balls to be who he is both in the bedroom and in society as a whole. If he lies about himself in society then who knows what else he will LIE about? We’ve had enough LIES in America these days.
It’s been said that withholding information is the same as lying. Are you saying everytime I go out in public and don’t tell everyone I meet or see that I’m gay, I am lying? Who’s business is it other than mine and my partner/playmate? I have a partner and we’ve been together for 13 years. I don’t wear my sexuality on my sleeve either. Only those I want to know, will know. I’m not out to everyone nor should I have to be. It shouldn’t matter who person loves.
I do NOT wear rainbow flag clothing. I also do not HIDE who I am from anyone in our society as I choose NOT to lie about who I am. I only date men that have the balls to hold my hand in public, acknowledge that we are together- not men who don’t have the balls to be themselves everywhere. I never said that YOU have to be “out”- period. I only said I’d not date men who are not out to themselves, society and me.
Not everyone is ready to come out, and not everyone in families, society and faith are ready to hear it. It is unfortunate, but that’s what every one of us is up against right now. That guy who’s not ready to come out might very well be the one you need in your life, be your strongest supporter, your biggest defender, the one who would dote over you endlessly, truly being devoted to you. That’s the kinda guy that has balls! So you and everyone reading knows, I am not judging you. I see this forum as an opportunity for… Read more »
I agree, this is another example of people trying to tell someone how to be DL/bi/gay, why can’t a person be DL/bi\gay the way they want to be, why do a person have to live by someone else’s standards, Man this world is so fucked up, one needs to live their own life and let the next person live theirs, people needs to mind their own business, Why does some open and out gays think everyone should should come out ? Why ? Who the fuck business is it ? If a guy is DL and in the closet how… Read more »
Well said!!!
As someone who is DL, I understand why an out guy wouldnt want to date or have an LTR. I cant be 100% commited in everyway. Sometimes its just not feesible. It does make life difficult. I cant be intorduced to friends or family. Cant attend events together. If you love someone you want to the show them off. Ive never had an LTR because of it. Probably never will. People have to make decisions and decisions have consequenses.
Absolutely. It’s his journey and there is no need to exhibit your relationship publicly. I sometimes fantasize that I am Joe Burrow’s boyfriend and we live together in adjoining condos with a secret door that joins our two condos LOL.
I can say that yes, I would because I did. I didn’t truly realize it until almost during the time we broke up but I was never introduced to anyone in his family; anytime he took a phone call he would make sure that I wouldn’t be in a shot for video calls or he would walk into another room on regular calls. Normally I didn’t think anything of it as we were both homebody’s and didn’t really do “dates” unless it was a nice little restaurant. His family lived in other countries. I was a little hurt that he… Read more »
You gotta have a conversation. What is out? What behavior in public is acceptable? Dress code? I can hang my ass out in SF, have public sex at appropriate camp grounds and so on. Think BIRD CAGE If we had a ride along in my rig, only one percent of my customers are cool. Then there are some that should be and are not, its strictly business. If someone lived with me and he was asked where he lived, he better not say, “With my boyfriend/husband over on Blank ST”. Other than that, I am about as out as my… Read more »
Oh Dave you said it the way I didn’t know the words to use! That’s a good way to describe the same way I feel about. Well sure be nice and courtious even though they’re not of your type attraction. OMG! You can do that in SF?!
No.
Depends on age and cultural/religious issues. If he’s in his late teens to mid-20s, he gets a pass, other things being equal. If he’s 30 to 40 to 50 or more, he perhaps is too worried about what society thinks of who he is and too reverential of their opinions. This timeline changes if you have the horrid luck to be gay and born into a Mormon, Muslim, hyper-Catholic, Orthodox Jewish or evangelical family. You need and deserve more time to come out.
How exactly do you date if they’re not out?
Sooner or later, people will see you 2 together more often.
Yes I would.
My situation is the opposite. Firstly, I’m closeted and have never dated a dude or been in a relationship with a guy before. I would never messed around with a guy that is out. I look at guys profile on a4a and if they are out, I don’t reach out to them. If a out guy hit me up, i won’t respond. I’m just interested in like- minded guys like myself. I enjoy man sex and that’s it. I have FWBs that feel the same way I do, so my sex life is great. I’m closeted because that’s my choice.… Read more »
TOO BAD DUDE!! you THINK you’ll EVER have the BALLS and COURAGE to live your TRUE LIFE and BE YOUR TRUE SELF??? And NOT care what the HOMOPHOBES and haters think??? Unless they are paying your bills for ya ~~~~ I haven’t CARED for DECADES and that was the BEST GIFT I ever GAVE MYSELF!!!!! FREEDOM ~~~~~~~~~
With all due respect Jeff, I am free!!!!! You know nothing about me sir. I could care less what others say. My sexual orientation never comes up in casual conversations with anyone. Who cares what I do in my bedroom? I do pay my own bills, I travel a lot with my friends. I live a full exciting life. I no way feel trapped or imprisoned. Not going to respond to all those capital letters because it’s not necessary. I’m a happy dude. Hope you are too…..for real!!!!
How is the way you living affecting his life ? Not one bit, But you can read his comment and tell he’s mad, the question is WHY ? Why is he so MAD? He don’t even know you, but he’s MAD because you’re not flamboyantly gay, man people are sick,
Right. And had the nerve to speak of balls and courage. Not to sound juvenile, but I can hold my own with any man. If I chose to, I could announce in church that I’m gay and it’s not a thing anyone in there could do to me. Life is full of choices. I chose to live mine my way and frankly don’t give a elf how he live his. I’m not mad or bitter. I’m actually laughing about it. Lol
Our church would be good until you “announced” you were Gay.
Many members would have seen it, thought it, and accepted you … until you made it an issue. Announcing it actually turns people off. Just be you and leave it at that.
Live your life. Don’t demand others live it with you.
Dude, you’re actually bitter and only laughing to hide it.
“Just be you and leave it at that” “Live your life. Don’t demand others live it with you” Who in the fuck you think you are? Noone need you to be their psychiatrist on here, you’re not qualified sir!! When I respond to a subject matter on this blog, noone need a Mr. Know it all like you, with no life to psycho analyze how I feel or how I should feel. Instead of spending time on here trying to be all that, maybe you should go to the gym and work on your body. From now on, just state… Read more »
If only you believed that nonsense.
Yes, I have dated guys “in the closet” I remember being in the closet and how difficult it was for me. So, as long as they are up front about it, and willing to at least crack the door open a little more, I’m pretty cool with it. Who knows, my encounter with a closeted man might be all he needs to truly accept himself and fling the door wide open !
Many married men have duel lives and are not coming out. You know what you are getting into when you see the circumstances. It is your choice to go forward or not. If you can separate sex from emotional involvement I don’t see that there is anything wrong with having sex with a closeted individual. But if you get emotionally involved that is totally on. you.
I don’t have a problem with that it’s cool with me.
I’d date a closeted guy and have done so before because I think I have a pretty good understanding of where they’re at. I’d date an obviously gay guy and have before. I’m not particularly out. My family, including my kids, know and it hasn’t changed anything between us. I’ve had two LTRs with great guys, one of them a live in for a number of years. We didn’t rush out and tell everybody we’re gay. What would be the point in that? I’ve held hands with a guy and even kissed a few in public. I fail to see… Read more »
Nope. No time for that fucking bullshit.
I did, and I will again. Years ago, I dated my ex who was my next door neighbor for 2 years. It wasn’t a fling. We were a couple. We were together almost every night and took trips together. I never met his friends, but he met mine simply as my neighbor. A couple people questioned our friendship and chemistry, but I promised him I wouldn’t out him to anyone. B was/is a great guy. He’s now married with 2 young adult children. I haven’t seen him in over 20 years, but I followed his wife on Facebook several years… Read more »
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