(Photo Credits: Bulgn from Shutterstock)
Every October 11, National Coming Out Day (NCOD) reminds us of one of the most defining and deeply personal moments in every gay man’s life: the choice to come out, or not. But here’s the real question that’s sparked conversations for decades: should all gay men come out?
Recently, we asked you whether or not you would date a guy who isn’t out and this topic was suggested by one of our regular Adam4Adam blog readers called Overt d’Espirit, who posed it perfectly:
Coming out. The topic here says the problem was a boyfriend who would not.
Should all gay guys come out? Some Gay guys believe yes because we owe homage to those who fought for acceptance. Others say being born gay shouldn’t come with any social requirements because that’s exactly the kind of freedom gay guys should have.
A4A should open a blog discussion on this: Coming Out, In the Closet, Down Low: What are you? What should anyone be?
For many, coming out is a declaration of pride and visibility. It’s a way to honor the generations who faced discrimination, violence, and rejection just for being who they were. Activists and advocates often argue that every gay person who comes out helps normalize LGBTQ+ existence—and that visibility leads to acceptance.
When more people live openly, society is forced to confront its stereotypes. Every out gay man becomes proof that love, work, family, and joy aren’t defined by sexuality. From celebrities to coworkers to friends next door, visibility has been a driving force behind marriage equality, workplace rights, and healthcare reforms.
Coming out also has personal benefits. Many describe it as a relief—a weight lifted, a step toward living authentically. The mental health effects of hiding who you are can be exhausting and the act of coming out can be a kind of rebirth.
And yet, not everyone can—or wants to—come out. Some live in countries where homosexuality is criminalized. Others have families or jobs that could be lost in a heartbeat. Even in progressive societies, social or religious rejection still cuts deep.
To many, being told that “you must come out” feels like replacing one form of oppression with another, dictating what a gay man should do to be “valid.” If freedom means anything, it should include the right to privacy, to discretion, to choose when and how to reveal who you are.
There are also men who live on the down low—married, religious, or simply private—who don’t see their sexuality as anyone’s business but their own. Should they be shamed for that? Or should we respect that everyone’s journey, risk level, self-expression, and circumstances are different?
Between out and closeted lies a wide spectrum. Some men are out to friends but not family. Some are discreet online but open in private. Some quietly support LGBTQ+ causes while avoiding labels altogether.
National Coming Out Day isn’t about forcing anyone into the light, it’s about celebrating the courage to live honestly, in whatever form that takes. Whether that’s wearing a Pride flag or simply whispering “I’m gay” to your best friend for the first time, each act matters.
So what should anyone be?
There’s no one way to be gay. What’s right for one person may be unsafe or unappealing for another. But it’s still worth asking ourselves and each other:
- Is coming out a responsibility, or a personal choice?
- Does visibility still matter in 2025 the way it did 20 years ago?
- Are we creating new expectations in the name of freedom?
- How do we support those who can’t come out safely?
As Overt d’Espirit’s question suggests, maybe the real answer isn’t about what anyone should be, it’s about allowing each man to define his own level of openness, pride, and protection.
Having said all that, what about you, Adam4Adam blog readers: coming out, in the closet, down low—what are you? What should anyone be? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below.
National Coming Out Day 2025!
People often confuse me with ex professional athlete Bo Jackson. I got married to a female at a young age and we had kids and 8 grandkids from that union. We divorced later in life and went our separate ways. We both are highly respected by our grown kids, grannies, friends and family. The marriage didn’t work out like many, so we divorced. I was introduced to male sex and enjoyed it. I’m not interested in a relationship or dating a dude, just man sex and that’s it. I really enjoy the companionship I have with dudes and live a… Read more »
yo, matt you ain’t lookn’ for comments? yo, when you post sh*t you get sh*t law-of-the land
Yo, yo, yo, yoself.
I agree with you, But I’m willing to bet, it’s a mad MF going to comment, telling you what you should do with your life, and tell you you should live up to his standards?
I felt it wasn’t necessary for anyone to comment on MY story based on the last sentence of the blog subject that states –What are you? I’m intrigued as I read others individual stories. I just hope these “holier than thou” guys think before they throw around words such as honesty and truth when they cheat on their mate, taxes and lie all the time. Lol
Matt.. I am just like you.. Screw them, you be you, cause I am doing me.. well.. i like it better when someone else is doing me… lol
I was all at one time or another in my years,I know I was gay at a early age.To each his own,if you want everyone to know much love to you,the same if you don’t.We are free to express ourselves in America,but there are some Countries where being homo will get your ass fuck in a horrible way.To be truly being gay back in the days was good to me,it was taboo,but nowadays it kind of sucks,it seems like half the population is gay!
yesterday, was Mental Health Day; Today, it is Coming Out Day What will be the Day tomorrow?
Our sexuality is our own. It’s ours to care for, nourish, and make known … or not. Everyone has a right to that. No one has a right to demand or belittle anyone who doesn’t follow their beliefs when it comes to Coming Out or Privacy. I’ve heard Straights say for years, “I respect who he is and who he’s attracted to. But his having to constantly let everyone know he’s Gay or insert sexual remarks into almost every conversation is more than annoying. And I’m not anyone’s ‘gurl’ or ‘honey’ and don’t wish to be addressed as such. If… Read more »
Oh, firstly, I think you should just be yourself, to yourself, honestly. Secondly, ‘if’ someone should actually ask you, ’cause that does in reality occur/happen; I personally have and will always tell the truth as there’s no shame in it, so don’t react in shame with denial, of your orientation. What does “coming-out” mean anymore; going to a gay bar, like we use to? That was before the “gay flag” wasn’t it? I think ‘we’ got drawn, politically/religiously into a rabbit hole, actually; in defense of ‘our’ Creator-given right, to love/sex who we want; that love ‘us’ back, and completely,… Read more »
You made a good point. Children, generally, have no idea about discrimination and orientation until society steps in to clue them in. Unfortunately, by the time someone is sexually active, society has already done its job.
I’m glad somebody made that connection, thanks.
It’s like teaching someone or a group to hate themselves for what is natural and harmless to society in their personal nature.
The psychological harm is done, as you said, in the programming that in general hate is, the emotion in itself is sickly obsessive, because of how extreme that emotion tends to be.
Yeah, I know, clinical, when you hate yourself, you love no one, how sad.
I personally never “came out.” I told my mom just so we were on the same page, but otherwise I just assumed that everyone assumed I liked guys. I don’t normally talk about it, because I always felt what I did in the privacy of my “bedroom” was just between me and my other person. I greatly appreciate all the gays that do like the idea of coming out as it normalizes the phenomenon for the general public and it does make it easier here for me as well. I just never felt like it should be a thing for… Read more »
My God, Matt (Black) said it so well. That said we are all out to some degree. I am who I am, I don’t announce which gender I have sex with and never confirm or denied it. Doesn’t really matter what I say, people will think what they want to think. I try to lead a good community involved life. I do speak my mind on local, state, national and world issues. I worry how long I will be able to in this country. A bunch of insecure ras cist homophobes are currently in charge. One always has to assess… Read more »
At this point in my life I feel im too old and its too late for me to come out. Ive been closeted since college. married, have a kid, strait friends. The whole straight life. And ive been fortunate enough to have some very hot relationships with men over the years. Perhaps if I was young in a different time things would be different. But im content with how I lived my life.
And that is what matters
“If it ain’t broken don’t fix it” other words or those exact words, actually.
I think the most important thing is to live honestly, to yourself and partners. There is no need to “come out,” just simply life your life. I’ve never understood celebs appearing on people saying “I’m gay!” There’s nothing groundbreaking about being something that’s always been in existence. Be yourself, be true to yourself and live your life.
I’m a married man , I have a beautiful wife and grown kids with grandkids as well, I just happen to enjoy sex with men also, I have excepted the fact that I am bi/gay, I try to be safe and protect myself and my wife, I’ve also been on the DL/Closet for years, and I have no plans of coming out, I mean why is it so important for someone to come out ? WHY, WHY, WHY,
To be honest with your wife.
She would be the only reason, because of the union the two of you formed.
I keep my sexuality private, not hiding it or denying it. Just meaning only letting people I feel need to know.
My wife knows.
If Enjoy’s wife doesn’t, it’s his right to shepherd that.
CUM out or NOT – who cares. But DEF free yourself from GIVING a flying FK what SOCIETY thinks about you and making that the MOST important thing in your LIFE!!! My greatest GIFT to myself was to FREE myself from CARING what anyone BUT MYSELF thinks about me and my life!!! Everything and everyone else is inconsequential ~~~~~~~~
Guess there are a lot of PATHETIC dudes that CARE what others think about them!!!! MORE power to you LOSERS!!!!!! You’ll NEVER be FREE in your lives ~~~ but you’re all USED to the CHAINS and shackles now so you DON’T even feel them and WOULDN’T know WHAT it was LIKE to be free anyway ~~~~ SAD to the MAX 🙁