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Being gay isn’t just about who you’re attracted to—it comes with unique experiences, challenges, and emotions that straight people may never fully understand. From navigating homophobia and constantly coming out to falling for straight friends and dealing with societal expectations, the gay experience is layered and complex. Along similar lines, a gay man took to Reddit and got people talking when he asked, “Gay men what straight people will never understand from being gay?” and the responses reveal deep truths about love, fear, resilience, and identity.
- The constant need to gauge safety
One of the biggest challenges many gay men face is assessing how homophobic a space or person might be. “The stress of needing to ‘estimate’ how homophobic people are, and navigating around that estimate,” one commenter shared. Unlike straight people, who never have to question if holding hands with their partner in public is safe, gay men often find themselves calculating potential risks in everyday situations.
- The endless cycle of coming out
Coming out isn’t a one-time event—it’s a lifelong process. “Having to ‘come out’ every time you meet somebody, and try to gauge when, or even if, you should,” another gay man explained. From coworkers to landlords, each new interaction involves deciding how much to reveal about their personal life, often with unpredictable consequences.
- Falling for straight men
For many gay men, unrequited love is an unfortunate reality. One respondent described how painful it is to develop deep feelings for straight friends: “We fall in love with our straight male friends, and it’s hard to cope with because we know we’ll never have them romantically, and it can be hard to find someone similar to your crush in the gay community.” This experience can make dating even more frustrating, as it’s not just about attraction but also about finding emotional connection.
- Misconceptions about attraction
Many straight people seem to assume that every gay man is attracted to them, which simply isn’t true. As one person put it: “That we are not into them like they think we are.” Just as straight people have types and preferences, so do gay men.
- The complexity of gay relationships
A lot of straight people view relationships through the lens of traditional marriage, children, and monogamy. But for many in the LGBTQ+ community, those expectations don’t always fit. “Gay relationships, gay sex, bromance, etc., come in a million different shades. Sometimes the heteronormative paradigm (pair-bond, kids, the house, etc.) doesn’t fit us. A lot of us do want sex and a friendship, and that works for us and feels natural.”
- The lasting power of slurs
Even in 2025, slurs still carry weight and can instantly change the atmosphere of a room. “The amount of pain, anxiety, anger, sadness, and overall unease when someone uses the word ‘faggot’ or ‘fag.’ No matter what context, friend group, situation or whatever, that word will always put me on edge when I hear it.” Straight people might not think twice about certain words, but for gay men, the history and trauma behind them linger.
- Fear of violence
Even in LGBTQ-friendly spaces, there’s always a lingering fear of being attacked simply for existing. One response captured this feeling: “The fear of being jumped and attacked. Even in very positive LGBTQIA+ spaces, there is a worry on the back of my mind if someone will snap and attack me or someone else in the community.” The reality is that homophobic violence still exists, making many gay men hyper-aware of their surroundings.
What about you, Adam4Adam blog readers, what do you think?
These experiences barely scratch the surface of what it means to be gay in a predominantly straight world. What are some things you believe straight people will never fully understand about being gay? Have you faced any of the struggles mentioned above? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below.
We all have a choice to act on our attractions… the attraction is not by choice but the sexual acts certainly are. That goes for straights as well.
Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Triggered much? Lol
No?
DUH dude – are you CELIBATE and a PRIEST?!?!? They need a NEW POPE now in case you’re JOB HUNTING 🙂
Someone’s triggered
“You’re triggered” is his comeback for everything. I doubt his balls have even dropped yet.
Who says “he” even HAS ANY BALLS?!?!? 🙁
My sister recently got married to a man 10 years older than her. He thinks being gay is a choice. I asked him to tell me day and time he decided he was heterosexual. He looked at me with a blank look on his face. So I said it again…tell me when you decided to be heterosexual. He said nothing.
Agreed, and neither is bisexuality. Surprisingly, there are a lot of gay people who believe bisexuality is a choice, but argue that being gay isn’t. Sexuality is so fluid and complex.
As a BiMM who’s only “gay” for the sex, not the lifestyle, I can share what I’ve always found to be a conflict of sorts with me about it: My straight friends/family are all so far-removed from gay sex as can be, that I can say the assorted acts we get involved with – namely, sucking and fucking – are completely disgusting to them. They can’t imagine how incredible the feeling is that we enjoy so much. I often imagine a straight friend/family member saying to me as I’m blowing a guy, “you do THAT? OMG! How can you???”
There is no “gay lifestyle”. Someone doesn’t love Madonna, do drugs or attend raves because they’re gay any more than someone loves football and fast cars because they’re straight. Stop with the oversimplifying and generalizations. It’s exhausting.
There certainly is a culture/lifestyle of the gay community, that many wish not be part of. You know damn right, you just got triggered because you probably partake in that lifestyle.
Saying “you’re triggered” isn’t a counterargument, shit-for-brains.
I ONLY meant hanging out in gay circles with other gay guys. Had nothing to do with the so-called culture, etc.
No, that’s marketing b.s., exploiting us to make money. There are some common tastes, only because most people are so common. If not for AIDS, you would see the huge community of opera queens, balletomanes, etc.
They will never understand, my wife always comes home from work or visiting with friends, she’ll tell me sometimes that her friends say this guy is in the closet or that guy is in the closet, not that she’s dislike bi/gay people, but most women dislikes DL/closet straight acting guys thats married to women like myself, which is understandable, I try not to reply in a hypocrite way, I may say something like, ( oh y’all think so) or (WOW), she thinks I’m the straightest guy on earth because that’s how I carry myself, but what she doesn’t know is,… Read more »
Exactly! Same here. I guess you and me are of another sort and truly gay guys don’t understand us either.
The one thing that straight people will never understand, and I know I’m not talking strictly about gay men here, but also including transwomen in my brief, is that straight folk automatically assume that if a man is attracted to someone presenting as female, and find that they are still just as attracted finding out they are trans (and pre- or non-op), that the straight male half of the couple *must be gay*. All it means is that the guy is open and accepting, and likely just pansexual, which is perfectly fine, but the straight insistence of “Oh no, he… Read more »
A man can be attracted to a trans woman without being bi or pan. I (a man) have been with several trans men and never ONCE have I considered myself to be anything but gay. Thinking I’m pan or bi simply because I’ve been with trans men is silly. Many people are attracted to masculine or feminine *presentations*, not their associated genitalia. Not everyone, but many of them. As long as someone presents as male, I couldn’t care less about what they have between their legs. If you have genital preferences, no one will shame you for them, but not… Read more »
That defies logic but go on… you’re pan not exclusively gay.
You’re not going to call me triggered? Wow. Changing things up for once. Always refreshing to see!
Is he PAN, or just a PANhandler?
I can’t begin to make sense of that. But a heterosexual woman who “becomes a man” remains heterosexual, and is an invader in our world with her vagina. Loathesome.
People don’t understand that probably the majority of us are eager to divorce the LGB from the rest of it. The day is coming when the + includes MAPS. They’re fighting for that.
I hate being lumped in with all that LGBTQABCXYZ bullsh*t. Like if we are all one “community”. We’re not!
I’m not bisexual. Or a lesbian, for that matter. Why should I even bother associating with the B or the L?
Right, lumping all these types together is just for politics; it doesn’t reflect a community.
It was a rhetorical question. Presumably Eddie and Greg aren’t lesbians, but they have no problem being associated with the “L”. They just don’t want to be associated with the “T”. I wonder why.
“Why should I bother with the L?”
Because L (lesbian) is a homosexual female. So how is their life any different than yours on who you love?
In my lifetime of observation, I’ve noticed those who are most vocal about someone else’s “shameful acts” are themselves hiding a dark secret that would absolutely kill them if it were made public. One can call it self loathing. Straight people face the same hurdles that those in the gay community face, just on a different level. Sad truth; regardless which side you’re on, your comrades will judge you too. I don’t announce my sexuality to everyone. Only certain family members, and closest of friends know. I don’t care what others do behind closed doors or withwhom, and no one… Read more »
Being Gay? Being Straight? On the same street but at different ends.
I don’t think they understand the mental, emotional and physical effects. I equate it to “the heterosexual individual” that has to conceal an attraction to same gender individuals.
That not every gay guy wants to be a woman or is fem… if I hear” he don’t seem gay” one more time about myself… I’m glad I’m able to blend in with straights but they really have this notion every gay guy is like Rupaul… smh and lol. There are RuPauls for sure but many Rock Hudson type gay men out here… we ALL aren’t the same.
Exactly!!! Couldn’t agree more and glad I’m more like Rock Hudson.
Straight people have a hard time understanding why so many Gays are loud, are self-centered, are attention-grabbing. Why so many of them practice risky sex, change jobs frequently often after being terminated, and are so vocal about being victims when they are really victims of their on behaviors.
Many Gay guys don’t act in these ways, of course, but they’re not the ones Straights have a hard time with.
What’s presented to the rest of the world are the loud self-centered ones through tv and pride parades. Those of us who lives average ‘boring’ lives aren’t showcased.
I think a lot of straight people wouldn’t be so bothered by LGBT people if many didn’t parade it so much… live your life but no need to shout it out to the world. Many call this being closeted and don’t like that term or living that way. But there are ways to be openly gay and not make a big deal about it.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone make progressively dumber comments each time they post, but you’ve manage to do the impossible. Congratulations!
John, the question is what are things straight people will never understand about being gay. CM185’s response addresses that question. I don’t doubt there are many straight people who don’t give a rat’s ass as to why 2 guys enjoy having sex together. Contrarily, I’m sure a great many straight people cannot fathom why a man would find it necessary to prance down the street, with a flame shooting out of his ass, doing his best impression of RuPaul.
Why do you feel the need to express an opinion about the mannerisms of other people? Does it make you feel superior? Do you want me giving unsolicited opinions about yours? We can go there if you’d like.
Ohhhhhhhh, I get it now. The self righteous, all knowing, marvelous Mister John can pass judgement on others (wanna talk about your comments/opinions directed to CM185) but don’t you dare question his/her whatever”s opinions.
This entire forum is set up for people to share their opinions. You obviously think that yours are the only valid ones.
The experience for black and brown is rough. I will be speaking on my experiences. If it comes across as I’m generalizing I apologize. Most blacks, like me, what brought up in the church. It’s what our families primarily centered around this church. So we care constantly about us going to hell because of this being gay not to mention we have the stigmatism of supposedly being all tops hypermasculine in all the other stereotypes. So when you know that gay at a young age but still an ordained minister in a Pentecostal Church life is difficult.
Oddly enough to say, strictly from my point of view–I’m bi–since i discussed this topic with several straight curious, DL guys, trans and straight guys, i sense that straight guys know that gay tops/vers tops can’t get any bottoms pregnant, i.e., if safe sex is mutually not desired. Straight guys don’t process well how each couple feels about each other, albeit lust or love, even though they may feel the same way when they’re with women, sexually speaking. Judge not lest ye be not judged. If bottoms got pregnant, then, the in depth reason for this question wouldn’t be posed.
What Are the Things Straight People Will Never Understand About Being Gay? How am I supposed to answer that question, when I really don’t have an effin’ clue myself why I am the way I am. How do you explain why you love sucking a cock, getting fucked in the ass or even simply making out with another guy? I’ve been self examining my lifestyle for 50 years and finally realized there is no true answer. I’m at the point in my life now, where if somebody questions my lifestyle or wants an explanation as to why, the short and… Read more »
The BIGGER the HOMOPHOBE – the BIGGER the CLOSET CASE!!! EVERYONE SHOULD know that!!! And the thing they really have WRONG is that I would give a FLYING FK what they think about me! They aren’t paying my bills ~ so go screw yourselves! The Superior attitude they have is a TOTAL JOKE – I wouldn’t trade places with any “STR8” person I KNOW!!!!
That seems to track. There are is a lot of internalized homophobia in these comments. Just look at everything CM185 is posting. Meanwhile, you know he’s taking anonymous loads behind the Taco Bell dumpster.
And your point is??
If you can’t figure it out on your own, I sincerely doubt spelling it out for you would help, sweetheart.
“Why can’t Gay and the rest of LGTBQ+ be themselves and not expect us to be involved in their all?”
I have commonality with the other non-heteronormative, non-monogamous communities, but I like dick. The rainbow community is often my home because straight people aren’t wired like me/us.
I’m me; others vary. I tried to be str8, but I’m not that. I’m QAF. Deal with it. I have life to do. You can try to understand me if you want, but only someone who’s also QAF knows what my life is like; it’s unique, some parallels with others, but unique. Hugs if you understand.
That “RuPaul’s drag race” is nowhere near normal. Most gays are nothing like that. Don’t get me wrong, RuPaul herself is amazing. However, that show is horrendous.
Straight people will never (men, my family, especially my wife) will never understand why I enjoy prancing being in panties with dominant alpha top men behind closed doors, they will never understand why I enjoy sucking dicks and swallowing another man’s cum, they will never understand why I enjoy getting fucked and being submissive to another man, they will never understand why I like to lay in a mans arms after getting fucked by him, a straight man will never understand how sweet a dick can be or how good it feels to cum hands free while getting fucked like… Read more »
AND, they will never understand that “from Pain Comes Pleasure” and “Wearing Girly Things Helps You Keep In Touch With Your Feminine Side”!
It’s called “taking a walk on the wild side” I think mostly, people don’t actually realize what that means or they forgot. In my case, being me physically, mentally, physiologically capable; I too, love to have “anutha man” lol, take total control of my 6’10, 270lbs, without the penile-anal penetration though. I guess that’s what they call “shoe on the other foot?” I think the healthiest of us, realize and accept, both sides of our male/female combinations, hell, I think it’s the best of both worlds; being flexible in that sense. I give-up control/you give up control, too. But that… Read more »
It is, also, about justifying one’s kink, too? one does not need to explain a kink or whatever walk on the wild side takes you the justification is the walk & the walking
We’re pretty “liberal” on here, things get said, no need for “justification”; there are no kids on here either, so, I don’t see the problem. . . Since the subject itself, involves kink, duh.
1 – It was a choice for me just like being attracted to opposite sex was for you 2 – What I do in my bedroom HAS NO IMPACT on what you do in yours 3 – If you can share PDA, so can I 4 – No, not all of us are fans of female celebrities, into fashion/flowers/interior designs any more than heterosexual men are 5 – Some of us are also great athletes 6 – No, we DONT wish we were/want to be women 7 – Majority pedo’s ARE HETEROSEXUAL (I love bringing that up in debates) 8… Read more »
Another debate point:
Why is gay sex (m/m) “gross”, but lesbian sex (f/f) “hot”?
Because that is coming from a hetero male’s standpoint. It’s a turn on watching two women getting it on. I dare say that a hetero woman’s viewpoint might vary quite a bit from the man’s view.
But it’s 2 people of the same sex “interacting” with each other & not the opposite sex.
That’s like saying R handed people are great, but L handed people should hide from public.
That it is natural for older and younger men to be together.
Well, there is that whole “sugar baby/sugar daddy” segment that questions “natural”, but that applies to both groups, so…
In any couple connection. someone is older and someone is younger. It’s only an issue if/when it’s made one by outsiders.