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Being gay isn’t just about who you’re attracted to—it comes with unique experiences, challenges, and emotions that straight people may never fully understand. From navigating homophobia and constantly coming out to falling for straight friends and dealing with societal expectations, the gay experience is layered and complex. Along similar lines, a gay man took to Reddit and got people talking when he asked, “Gay men what straight people will never understand from being gay?” and the responses reveal deep truths about love, fear, resilience, and identity.
- The constant need to gauge safety
One of the biggest challenges many gay men face is assessing how homophobic a space or person might be. “The stress of needing to ‘estimate’ how homophobic people are, and navigating around that estimate,” one commenter shared. Unlike straight people, who never have to question if holding hands with their partner in public is safe, gay men often find themselves calculating potential risks in everyday situations.
- The endless cycle of coming out
Coming out isn’t a one-time event—it’s a lifelong process. “Having to ‘come out’ every time you meet somebody, and try to gauge when, or even if, you should,” another gay man explained. From coworkers to landlords, each new interaction involves deciding how much to reveal about their personal life, often with unpredictable consequences.
- Falling for straight men
For many gay men, unrequited love is an unfortunate reality. One respondent described how painful it is to develop deep feelings for straight friends: “We fall in love with our straight male friends, and it’s hard to cope with because we know we’ll never have them romantically, and it can be hard to find someone similar to your crush in the gay community.” This experience can make dating even more frustrating, as it’s not just about attraction but also about finding emotional connection.
- Misconceptions about attraction
Many straight people seem to assume that every gay man is attracted to them, which simply isn’t true. As one person put it: “That we are not into them like they think we are.” Just as straight people have types and preferences, so do gay men.
- The complexity of gay relationships
A lot of straight people view relationships through the lens of traditional marriage, children, and monogamy. But for many in the LGBTQ+ community, those expectations don’t always fit. “Gay relationships, gay sex, bromance, etc., come in a million different shades. Sometimes the heteronormative paradigm (pair-bond, kids, the house, etc.) doesn’t fit us. A lot of us do want sex and a friendship, and that works for us and feels natural.”
- The lasting power of slurs
Even in 2025, slurs still carry weight and can instantly change the atmosphere of a room. “The amount of pain, anxiety, anger, sadness, and overall unease when someone uses the word ‘faggot’ or ‘fag.’ No matter what context, friend group, situation or whatever, that word will always put me on edge when I hear it.” Straight people might not think twice about certain words, but for gay men, the history and trauma behind them linger.
- Fear of violence
Even in LGBTQ-friendly spaces, there’s always a lingering fear of being attacked simply for existing. One response captured this feeling: “The fear of being jumped and attacked. Even in very positive LGBTQIA+ spaces, there is a worry on the back of my mind if someone will snap and attack me or someone else in the community.” The reality is that homophobic violence still exists, making many gay men hyper-aware of their surroundings.
What about you, Adam4Adam blog readers, what do you think?
These experiences barely scratch the surface of what it means to be gay in a predominantly straight world. What are some things you believe straight people will never fully understand about being gay? Have you faced any of the struggles mentioned above? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below.
As a BiMM who’s only “gay” for the sex, not the lifestyle, I can share what I’ve always found to be a conflict of sorts with me about it: My straight friends/family are all so far-removed from gay sex as can be, that I can say the assorted acts we get involved with – namely, sucking and fucking – are completely disgusting to them. They can’t imagine how incredible the feeling is that we enjoy so much. I often imagine a straight friend/family member saying to me as I’m blowing a guy, “you do THAT? OMG! How can you???”
The one thing that straight people will never understand, and I know I’m not talking strictly about gay men here, but also including transwomen in my brief, is that straight folk automatically assume that if a man is attracted to someone presenting as female, and find that they are still just as attracted finding out they are trans (and pre- or non-op), that the straight male half of the couple *must be gay*. All it means is that the guy is open and accepting, and likely just pansexual, which is perfectly fine, but the straight insistence of “Oh no, he… Read more »
People don’t understand that probably the majority of us are eager to divorce the LGB from the rest of it. The day is coming when the + includes MAPS. They’re fighting for that.
In my lifetime of observation, I’ve noticed those who are most vocal about someone else’s “shameful acts” are themselves hiding a dark secret that would absolutely kill them if it were made public. One can call it self loathing. Straight people face the same hurdles that those in the gay community face, just on a different level. Sad truth; regardless which side you’re on, your comrades will judge you too. I don’t announce my sexuality to everyone. Only certain family members, and closest of friends know. I don’t care what others do behind closed doors or withwhom, and no one… Read more »