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Physical attraction is a natural thing, but when does it cross the line into fetishization? For Black and Asian men, this question often arises in conversations about desire and respect. While many celebrate the beauty and diversity of Black men, others unintentionally reduce them to stereotypes or objectify them based on preconceived notions. This distinction between genuine attraction and fetishization is crucial—not only for fostering healthy relationships but also for challenging harmful narratives that perpetuate racial bias. So, where do we draw the line, and how can we ensure our admiration comes from a place of authenticity and respect?
A gay man expressed his frustration online with how Black men are approached in the online gay dating scene. He wrote, “Coming into someone’s DMs saying ‘I love chocolate 🍫’ or ‘give me that BBC 🤤’ isn’t the compliment you think it is. It’s kind of weird actually. You don’t get bonus points in life or social points or whatever because you like Black men. You can just talk to them like, you know? Regular adult human beings.”
This post highlights a pervasive issue in the gay community: the fetishization of Black men. Instead of being treated as individuals, many Black men are reduced to stereotypes or objectified for their physical attributes. This kind of behavior isn’t just annoying—it’s dehumanizing. One commenter on the thread echoed these sentiments: “Definitely stopped replying to these kinds of messages on the apps. Least attractive thing non-POC guys do. It’s outstanding how they can find a way to fit Black, chocolate, or BBC in every sentence they write. You find me attractive—that’s cool—but keep the weirdo shit to yourself.”
Interestingly, another user pointed out that this problem isn’t limited to Black men. “I feel you, man! I’m Asian, and I got a lot of ‘I love smooth Asian boys,’ and I’m like, why would you say that to me?” This suggests that fetishization is a broader issue, affecting men of various racial and ethnic backgrounds.
The objectification often goes both ways. As one commenter noted, “I can imagine it’s really annoying, but the amount of ‘Hey white boy, you want some BBC?’ type comments I’ve gotten on apps in the past makes me imagine there are enough men on both sides who are into it to keep it going.”
This brings up an important point: while some people may embrace these stereotypes as part of their identity or sexual expression, it’s crucial to understand that not everyone feels the same way. As another commenter wisely said, “You gotta feel the vibe. I’ve been with Black guys who refer to themselves as ‘dark chocolate’ or their dick as BBC, and I’ve been with Black men who don’t refer to themselves with anything. Just do what your partner likes. It’s not that complicated.”
The problem is further compounded by society’s tendency to reduce people to their racial or ethnic traits. One user remarked, “Not Black, but I agree with what you are saying. People/humans are not objects for other people—they are HUMAN BEINGS. That’s just part of what’s wrong with society.”
This issue isn’t unique to the gay community. As another commenter humorously shared, “It happens to Asians too. Imagine hearing, ‘I want to eat your egg roll,’ as if I’m a buffet…”
Ultimately, the difference between attraction and fetishization lies in intent and awareness. Are you drawn to an individual for who they are, or are you projecting stereotypes onto them? As we navigate these complex dynamics, it’s essential to approach relationships with empathy and an open mind.
Adam4Adam blog readers, have you ever encountered or experienced this issue? How do you ensure your attraction is genuine and not influenced by harmful biases? How can we create a more respectful and inclusive environment? Whether you’ve been on the receiving end of fetishizing comments or have insights to share, we’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section down below!
Now, you guys understand what a Zebra is confronted with and by!
As a well rounded black man; I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’m flattered by being stereo- typed to have a big black dick, labeled mandingo athletic- type, great lover and high stamina in bed. Growing up black, hearing many negative stereotypes regarding black men don’t compare. They were degrading and hurtful. In fact, too hurtful for me to mention. I do kinda understand why some black men find it degrading, but I’m only speaking on behalf of me. I can’t speak for
other Blacks, Asian, Hispanic, Caucasian, etc guys.
or, for a zebra either?
Really? You’re flattered by stereotypes?? Exactly how does that manifest itself for you? It’s a rhetorical quesiton – no response needed. I’m sad to read that you’re OK with the big dick/lmandingo label.
I’m attracted to black men and enjoy how they can turn me on. However, I am also respectful.
I’ve been giving my holes to black men…. They were my first and mostly who I’m attracted to
Based on the fact that they’re black. Note to men of color: When yousee someone like him, run in the opposite direction.
As a redheaded man I’ve been surprised and sometimes shocked at some of the fetishy/stereotyped comments I’ve received online and in real life from total strangers. I usually try to take it as a compliment and I’m honest enough to admit that it’s only inappropriate when I’m not attracted to the guy.
“White guys” aren’t the only ones fetishizing. But because of history; the socioeconomics or set-up of/or in our society; people of color tend to get the worst of that scenario. I’ve often said, I hate finding “white men” attractive, because of the dynamics aforementioned. Stereotypes: I’ve often wondered, when encountering bi-racial couples, if it’s the black man, doing the topping . . . for “stereotypical” reasons, only because that’s ‘my’ experience and other black gay men I know. But a many good things, come with age, I just don’t give much energy to anymore; guess I’ve figured out, finally, as… Read more »
This reference to zebra and white supremacy concerns me. My name was drawn from the zebra over 30 years ago as the inspiration for a spit roast in which the one in the middle stripe could change although I preferred to be the white stripe. However, supremacy was the farthest thing from my mind then and now. Could someone explain the connection between these two things i.e., zebra and supremacy, as it has come to be known today? Thanks.
White and non-Black gays love to play dumb about this, and it’s really simple: stop approaching Black men like we’re dildos whom only exist to get you off. It’s not cute. It’s not endearing. It’s not not-racist. It’s ignorant and dehumanizing.
For the same “community” that loves to cry about homophobia, fatphobia, ageism, superficiality, etc this shouldn’t even be a conversation in 2025.
I hit up guys based on how they present themselves overall. Not whether their Ginger, Black, young, Twink, Asian, Bear, Dom, Sub. I hit up guys on A4A when their profiles give me a good idea of who they are, what they’re looking for, and (MOST IMPORTANT) what they have to offer. And when those line it with what I am, what I’m looking for and what I have to offer. Hmmm. Don’t know what a “Zebra” is. If a guy identifies as that, hey it’s his total TOTAL right to do so. I don’t know. Not feeling a need… Read more »
This happens a lot to me.. I hate to see them refer to color for every sentence… I will tell u straight up I’m not ur sexual racial fetish. Or if I see “blk” in their usernames automatically blocked.
WHITE MEN DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY TO THEM/US “GIVE ME YOUR “TPC” ……
TINY PINK COCK….