(Photo Credits: Alessandro Alle from Pixabay)
Is it a big deal for you if your partner has a colorful sexual past, guys? Why or why not?
And what about you, guys? Do you have what others may deem as a “slutty past?” Do you sleep around and if so, has this ever posed a problem for you before when it came to having a serious relationship?
Currently, the gay and bisexual men on Reddit are talking about this topic because someone asked, in summary, and we quote, “I’m a gay slutty twink in recovery who has realized he wants to be a responsible, committed, and monogamous husband to the right guy – but I don’t know if I can live down my past.” He added, “Can a tiger change his stripes?”
One reader responded, “I don’t give a shit about how many guys someone has slept with in the past.”
Meanwhile, another reader replied:
Some guys will view you as damaged goods, it’s just the way it is in life. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. But the past should stay in the past, if you’re unhappy with your current situation and want to make an honest go at changing your habits, then I think you’ll find people who will give you a chance.
There is a lot of self-hatred and slut shaming in your post, most of it coming from you. Until you learn how to reconcile with your past, you won’t be able to enjoy life. I’ve done plenty of “immoral” things in my time, hurt a lot of people, but I’ve never lost a night’s sleep over it. I just try to do better in the present and build a better future for myself.
All the hang-ups and shame can go to hell, so what if we’ve had a bit more fun? At least we’ve lived it up like we wanted to, which is more than plenty of these judgmental mofos have ever done.
Anyway, if you are unable to stop thinking about your boyfriend’s or partner’s sexual past to the point that you are obsessing over it, there’s a term for that, and it’s called retroactive jealousy.
According to Healthline, retroactive jealousy “refers to jealousy around your partner’s previous relationships.” Emily Cook, a marriage and family therapist who is based in Bethesda, Maryland, explained, “Interest in a partner’s past can range from curious to obsessive to avoidant.”
The problem occurs when retroactive jealousy “become obsessive and show up in unhealthy or destructive ways,” says Cook. She further explains that there are ways with which we can fix or “work through these feelings.” Read this article to learn how but to start with, your feelings are valid so you’ve got to acknowledge and accept them. You also need to put yourself in your partner or boyfriend’s shoes and try to understand them. But most importantly, communication is essential so always talk to your partner about your thoughts and feelings be it about your future together or each other’s past, or any other issues you have with them.
Having said all that, is your boyfriend or partner’s sexual past a huge deal for you? Is it a deal-breaker for you, as in would you no longer date them if they slept around in the past? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below!
If you can’t accept a partner due to his past, do both of you a favor and part with him quickly and graciously.
Go find a guy who just like you has always been perfect in every way.
Goodness… aren’t we beyond calling someone who has a lot of sex a “slut”…?
Oh, the “slut”-shaming, body-shaming, kink-shaming, transphobia, and even the internalized homophobia are rampant in these comments sections. Who needs the GOP when you have friends like this?
However, it is not correct to “ascribe” the word “Slut” upon a male. Correctly, you ascribe the word “Pig” upon a male.
But, as all know, from either reading or participating on these Bloggs, that we are either, “Sluts” or “Pigs” depending on mood and desperation!
And, I do think that most of us would ascribe the word “Desperate” upon the many of us?
Great. Sexist AND judgmental.
Hi John & Franklin, You both have brought up some interesting questions and made some valid points. I’d like to share with you an article I read some years ago written by a sex therapist who suggested that it is acceptable and even recommended that every once in awhile we should have more than just sex but to go for the gusto and pig out and play as if we are the biggest sluts we can manage to portray. She said to have the sexual smorgasbord buffet, the combo platter, one of each item on the menu, so to speak.… Read more »
Most definitely. When I found out that he last boyfriend had four legs it was over. I can’t compete with anything that big
Elephant. Once you’ve had Pac(yderm), can’t go back
I have a “Ear Fetish” and there is nothing more divine than nibbling on an Elephant’s Ears!
Ultimately, was your friend’s four-legged friend, a member of Noah’s Ark?
This should have been my first question. Pardon, the error!
Far from being a prude, I’m kinda under the impression that as long as it was curable and isn’t contagious, I’m good with the past being in the past. That said, I’m always open to something new that I haven’t tried before.
Besides I’m living in the sixties for the second time in my life so I hope any potential partners feel the same about my previous and numerous transgressions.
In my early 60s, I’ve been married (to my wife) for years but have slept around a fair bit with a few hundred different guys over the past 40-plus years and always on the down-low. I’m often on a4a seeking sex but won’t just jump in bed with anyone. I ask a ton of questions about guys’ sexual past, and while I prefer fewer than many past partners, the most important thing to me is that they demonstrate they’re clean of any STDs and practice safe sex. I generally don’t approach guys on Prep who may “boast” that it frees… Read more »
See, this is ‘why’ I love reading these blogs, the things one can learn from other’s experiences and thoughts/conclusions and methodologies. I tend to weigh them against my own, you touched on a several points as to why I lead my sexual life so very carefully. Thanks for your input, it’s really confirming as I’ve been on the right track in my thinking; for decades as things have worsened since the advent of HIV/Aids, etc.
Likewise Lamar. I’ve been toeing this line for quite some time and the grim reality is, you can never let your guard down. My gay side isn’t the only deep dark secret I keep from my wife and I never stop envisioning what could become of my life with the slightest slip-up – be it a positive STD test or my wife finding out – or both. Must be on constant alert.
Interesting comment however you may not seem to understand that maybe the person talking to you ,has a few “tricks of the trade” in their own playbook when interviewing you. It kind of sounds like you feel you’re in a position of authority over them and can fool people into finding out things. Always be careful of that attitude in life because somebody easily can be doing the same thing to you
Which is ‘why’ I just throw ALL of my cards on the table from the jumping point. Nothing to hide, not to mention I’m always watching very closely for a response in what I’ve said, very closely; it’s what they’re not saying, but there’s always a physical response to what I’ve revealed of myself.
I just think it’s too easy to lie, we’re all very human, making many ‘honest’ mistakes is forgivable, making the mistake of a being dishonest about it is totally different.
To Bren1712 (and Lamar) – There’s no doubt others have their own “tricks.” When it comes to any sort of non-personal interaction like this, no matter what you do you can’t be 110% absolutely certain about another’s past. My cruising “techniques” date back to the old AOL m4m chat rooms in the ’90s. Over that time, like others (so I assume) I’ve developed a sense or ability to sniff out the BSers – or those who you can sense aren’t being totally forthcoming. One thing’s for certain: I would never fuck BB no matter how convincing a guy can be… Read more »
That’s why during anal sex; having always been the top, I’ve always used a condom, never, ever, ever, let your guard down, not even while being in the two monogamous relationships I’ve had.
Amen to that. I just find it rather alarming and disturbing how many guys on these pick-up sites are more than willing to f*ck BB because they either fully entrust the PrEP they’re on or are just plain stupid. Before I got married, I used to fantasize finding one guy who I’d get tested with then go totally monogamous and f*ck BB, but that never happened. Probably just as well.
I met a rather nice, Human Being, years ago, whom I took an instant like. He was educated, cultured (not pompous), athletic and had a good sense of humor. We engaged on several occasions and it was enjoyable for the both of us. However, one day, he brought up a topic that was so bizarre and, quit frankly, so utterly disgusting, that I could not and did not engage him further… He enjoyed rimming an ass…regardless of last bowel movement and/or shower (he liked it ‘real’); and wanted it “Au Naturel” He was – not hesitant – to giving a… Read more »
You raise a near-fascinating topic at least for me. I absolutely love rimming and burying my face/tongue/mouth in a guy’s ass/crotch/balls/in the hole, etc. But, I totally echo what you said – it MUST be either in the shower or immediately after. That ass has to be squeaky clean. I don’t want any part of what comes out of it or to even be reminded of it. I call the topic “fascinating” because I often wonder why I get so turned on. I mean after all, it’s an ass – yuk! Yet – yum! (when clean) Why are me and… Read more »
I think I may have the answer to your Quagmire?
By Any Other Name-
Can Smell Just As Sweet-
Taste just As Nice-
Be Just As Tight!
If you encounter a further delima…
Just change the Underwear!
The word you’re looking for is dilemma.
THANK YOU, DARLING!
I WASN’T WEARING MY GLASSES WHN I WROTE THAT COMMENTARY!
and/or travel with a disposable douche and a wet soapy washcloth just in case.
That is just idiotic. You have to be filthy to be that unclean. Any normal person who wipes clean is not going to have more than mucous there. And who on earth would start crapping while someone’s tongue is there? You do have some control, you know. All sex is an animal act and that is simply one of the most animal acts. Dogs do it all the time. Cats do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s rim our lover.
However, there are those who enjoy rolling around in Human Excrement! They enjoy its texture, smell and long-lasting sticking properties!
Who am I to question such sexual manifestations? To each his own…just spare me the “Invitation” to partake!
I can understand the delights of rolling-around in Human Excrement in a “Pig-pen” but I do draw-the-line when someone wants to “roll-around” in it…in my bed!
It does undeniable-harm to my “Percale, 300 count per inch, sheets” The washing machine has to work – overtime – and requires, multiple rinses; plus, the amount of bleach required, tens to thin-out and shorten the lifespan of my expensive bed linens!
Tread-marks belong in the driveway but do not belong in my bedroom!
Thus, the pleasure derived is not equal to the destruction caused!
Not at all. Past is past.
In my opinion, if the partners of the past were of legal age and human, what should it matter? If it did, how many partners would it take to be disqualified? We are all sexual beings, and being such, who’s qualified to pass judgment? If I’m into someone and they’re into me, I’m going to enjoy their company. If it’s a problem for a potential lover, it’s best they move on because it will always be an issue for them for which I will not apologize.
So, you’re concerned about your partners sexual past, have YOU shared your sexual past with said partner?
Truth, Honesty, and Health are the Trifecta of any relationship. If you have that. You can’t ask for more. Simple enough.
If they were careless, taking risks with their health, spreading disease, then it would be a huge stretch to trust them with my health, so yes. Especially if we’re talking about someone with HIV under the age of 55 who never should have gotten it in the first place.
While I appreciate the comment about carelessness, taking risks with health, and spreading disease, I would tend to agree. But the judgment on anyone under the age of 55 is not only unkind, it doesn’t necessarily reflect everyone’s awareness of HIV during those early years, and in fact during lots of those early years. The temptation of the young: They can beat anything; they will never die. Maybe a little more compassion and understanding, and a whole lot less judgment.
No judgement here! Whenever I am ready to settle down, I would probably scare off most guys with my history, but to me the “now” is far more important than the “then.”
I preferred that my partner had a past. It made it easier than having to teach him “how to”. It is just that, “the past” and it can’t be changed. If he was safe, and brought no diseases with him, we were off to a good start. If the STD or something was treatable, then we could take care of it. If not, then I’d have to make a honest, difficult decision to break it off. So, having a past is something we all have. And when my current partner (25+ years) asked me about an open relationship, I was… Read more »
A little historical reality check here. Way back in antediluvian times (before the 1960s forward) it was not only expected but encouraged that young males should “sow their wild oats”, a rather vegan description to have as much sex as possible when one’s randiness was highest and before one settled down, married and had children. With the rise of the women’s movement and their seeking to impose feminist claptrap on any entity with a penis and of women’s general cluelessness about males (ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high—women in general have terrible judgment in what makes a… Read more »
Having a high libido is a good thing, as a young man, one has to realize, it’s an “unforgiving world,” mostly, in many ways, so you’d better learn a few things in how to deal with it. Hell, I was thought of as a prude, A-sexual, untouchable, said to have “lived on a higher-level,” lol, not sure what the dude was talking about. Every time before I would “go out” I would always masturbate first, so that I could drink/drug and mingle and not just fall into bed with who/whatever situation. When I did go home with another man; to… Read more »
I could care less about a partners past. We all have a past and I believe living for the moment past and present
There are several levels on which a guy can “redeem” or “damn” himself. In an anything-goes world, a lot of guys do dumb things when they’re young, then spend decades paying for their mistakes. If a guy plays around a bit, no problem, as long as he doesn’t catch anything which cannot be *cured and removed from his system.* But then there’s the issue of how *hard* he played; if a guy spent years getting fisted and playing with oversize toys, his ass is ruined; the muscle tone never fully returns, and he’s Damaged Goods. Then there are issues of… Read more »
from my experience I am a total bottom and I have found out that a person with lots of sexual experience makes a better lover… the worst lovers are virgins or one with limited experience…
In my first days of man sex, I’m so thankful for the guys who knowingly took me under their wings and showed me the ropes. I was honest about my experience level and met after discussion about expectations. They were caring and helped me. Glad you weren’t my first.
Is he rich? No, seriously. Since I never plan to have a relationship ever again, it’s doesn’t matter either way. That being said, whatever your past, it’s part of what made you who you are now. If they don’t want the person you are when you meet, then you don’t want them.