Image credit: Анастасия Гепп from Pixabay
Let’s be real. There are a lot of straight spaces that purposely make LGBTQ people feel unwelcome, if not outright forcing them out. It’s the reason why LGBTQ people have made spaces where there are safe, whether offline or online. But what do you do when straight people ask to be part of that safe space?
We’re asking because of a recent question sent to Slate’s advice column How To Do It. The letter-sender describes herself as “a cis woman in kind of a classic millennial sex pickle.” Her problem is that she is “politically and personally” repelled by heterosexuality and that she’s thinking of joining a gay dating app to look for bi and bicurious men to casually date. She says she wants to respect the spaces of gay men but also really wants to find a vers guy to date.
Columnist Rich Juzwiak is very upfront in saying that she shouldn’t “try to make something that has been designed to be not about you about you.” He advises her to not bother people if she does decide to go on the app and even warns her that she might have her profile deleted.
Juzwiak also pointed out that these apps have become more trans-inclusive — Adam4Adam is definitely one app that includes trans people — and that maybe this new openness in LGBTQ spaces might bode well for her. Perhaps most importantly, Juzwiak also points out that there are just as many shitty gay and bi gays as there are shitty straight guys. Entering the space of LGBTQ won’t necessarily solve all her problems.
What do you Adam4Adam blog readers think? Would you be accepting of a straight woman looking for a date on a dating app that targets the LGBTQ community? Or would you chase them off of it? Have you had encounters with cisgender women while on apps? Tell us what you think in the comments section below!
Being bi myself, I’d welcome them with open arms. There are str8 guys here, some curious, some looking for a 3rd for whatever reason, and it would be logical to assume women would do the same. One doesn’t have to be non LGBT to be attacked on a gay sight. A shit is a shit and they live to shit in someones Post Toasties regardless of gender or identity. I too have had my share of rude comments made to me by just saying “Hello!” I am not confused about my sexuality, I am not greedy, I don’t say I’m… Read more »
@Nutntoit totally agree bro, this older dude (48) hit me up and i’m a bi top 29 yo) even my profile said it and he’s a top too, we were chatting and i told him i’m top cause i don’t want him to think i’m verse or mislead him he said its ok we can get to know each other and who knows maybe chill in the future as we spoke and i told him i’m Bi and masculine plus DL that i don’t advertise my sexuality cause our convo lead to he’s a gay party planner and make sex… Read more »
You seem to be running out of ideas for these discussions. What gay man wouldn’t like a straight woman as a friend?
That’s right! And gay guys have been known to be seen on dates with the drop-dead gorgeous chicks.
She’s a cis straight woman. That itself says it all. Yeah more apps including A4A are more TRANS inclusive but TRANS she is not. She’s a cis straight woman. If she’s looking to peg a guy they’re out there, but don’t come to a place that our group of people made for us because of the lack of inclusion that we’ve faced and still face to this day. I understand why she came to a LGBTQ+ app for that but these as are for us.
I agree well put
No thanks, what’s the point in being gay and on Adam4Adam if there are women on here or other gay male apps? It’s bad enough there are several trans folks (I have trans friends) that are trying to hook up with gay men on here. I understand trans folks and am not judging them but I don’t understand wanting to be with a same sex relationship if you are not biologically that sex yourself. I met a trans guy who went on Grinder and almost got his ass kicked for lying about his gender identity. He was born male then… Read more »
Exactly. I’ve run into the same and I stated, politely but bluntly, I’m a guy, I’m looking for a guy. I respect your choice as trans and/or cd, but I’m not interested. Person never replied back, so no idea if they were or were not offended, but my profile makes it damn clear that’s not what I’m looking for. So if your offended, that’s on you.
I don’t understand, you have an issue with Trans Men? They may not have be biologically men but they have the appearance of a men so it’s good. I don’t understand trans women in Gay apps tho…
Straight women have infiltrated or inserted them selves into every aspect of gay life .In general they are fully embraced by society which most gay men are not, ergo women do NOT belong on gay dating sites!They look at gay men as safe, we have no interest in them so keep them OUT!!!
Straight Women like us Gay Males because we show them courtesy and respect. We treat them as humans not just as holes and tits. Because they know that we have no interest in them as females, but as persons, they can be themselves and enjoy the company of males without the complications of sexual demands. When I was in ‘nam, I enjoyed the company of nurses as I was their superior officer and I treated them as “Life-savers” to the wounded and acknowledged their contributions. Nurses were not accorded their rightful place and contributions by many of the soldiers…except those… Read more »
Not disagreeing with you at all. I’ve got plenty of ladies who are my friends. But I don’t particularly want to run into them on a ‘dating app’ that is aimed at my lifestyle. There’s a big damn difference there.
There is gay men who are as trash as straight men toward cis straight women
First of all, I think it’s awesome how we as a species have come to understand that you can be anything you want to be, who you want to be. It’s great that the trans community is getting the recognition they deserve, just as us gay men and women have enjoyed the last decade or so (though both of our communities still have the fight for the rights that straight men and women get out-right). But you pretty much gave a good answer in your opening statement. The straight community has created places that either cause us as homosexuals either… Read more »
What bullshit. Total unreality. You cannot be what you are not. You can only be what you are, deal with it.
Father Hennepin:
Ernest Hemingway always felt that we must act the sex we were born, but when we don’t, chaos erupts!
We can use our imaginations to try to be what we will never be, but to sustain the fantasy, it takes all of our energy and imagination. Such a constant drain, renders us an eventual burnout and we, by default, revert back to whom we were prior to our egos running amock.
Guess what the B in LBGQT stands for? Yes, bisexual. As a someone who is bisexual, I’m not offended by a “cis” woman on this or any other app, in fact, I’m thoroughly for it. Seems like the overlooked Bi population gets overlooked again.
I totally disagree. But this site is *geared* specifically to *MALES* looking for *MALES* Look at the name of the site. ADAM FOR ADAM. You want to find a woman, look on a het site or a bi specific site. No offense, but this is a GAY SITE. Do you see that many lesbians on here looking for other lesbians? Or guys on here specifically looking for women?
Then probably y’all need your own app.
I disagree. Bisexuals can use straight and/or gay apps as they wish to find what they want. But they shouldn’t expect to find straight women on a gay app or gay men in a straight one. As a gay man, I have no interest in Tinder, but as a bisexual, you would. So a claim that as a bisexual you are bitter that there aren’t straight women in gay dating sites for men is disingenuous and smells like unwarranted victim signaling.
If they are upfront with who they are looking for, I have no problem with straight women on a gay dating site. They just need to be honest and be respectful.
Welcome everyone, no discrimination
I agree welcome everyone spread love kindness and understanding and the world will be a better place.
Is this really a question? What is the point of a gay dating app if it has straight women on it?
Grow some balls and draw a line in the sand or be replaced by another platform that actually caters to gay men. Gay. Men.
Unpopular opinion time: It’s bad enough that there are trans-men on gay dating platforms, but are you really posing the question that straight cis-women should be here as well? It’s called Adam2Adam. It’s for gay men. Get the vagina out of here or be replaced.
If she was anything like the example cited above, I’d question her sanity. Virtue signalling fish are not what we go online for. At least I don’t. If I wanted drama I’d approach fag hags in bars or clubs. No desire to be in someone elses’ circus. Anyone looking to avoid male toxicity, etc. has got issues that can only end up with problems, whether they be lawsuits, criminal cases or commitments. Life is too short for that kind of foolishness.
^^^This guy understands the rules of life^^^
1 Keep your money in your front pocket.
2 Don’t talk to “the Man”.
3 Never do crazy.
And, that’s just what this gal is – crazy. Gay guys can be just as toxic as any str8 guys. She DOES have issues. We should totally hang out and suck dicks sometime, dude.
I am bi-sexual and welcome all interested in meeting similar minded people for fun and/or relationship.
I have heard from many over the years both on Adam 4 Adam and others. I just say sorry and good luck and then delete them.
The bots and spam purveyors have taken over every one of the gay dating/hookup apps…. so why not straight cis women too? Ffs, gay guys are gonna have to go back to the bar scene and seedy cruisy areas to get laid if we keep this up.
No if I wanted a woman I would go to a str8 site and get one
Agree. I want men. I block ALL females
absolutly NO let me say it loud NO….they will con you blackmail you..use this site against you…and I think you loose a large falling
A Gay site that starts with “G” and ends in “R” is swimming with Straight women’s Profiles… Hate it… They take up space in my Feed for Men that might be my Future Husband… Can block them out but it uses my allotment of BLOCKS for the day….. At first I would Messsage asking if they were aware of the type of Site they were on and of course they knew… Had one Woman repeatedly message saying she could turn me straight if I gave her a shot… I’m welcoming of all people all the time, but sometimes we need… Read more »
No I wouldn’t, it’s a incomplete relationship for me however I know some guys that don’t do anal so it’s personal preference.
The woman in question wants a bi-guy. Fine! Do we care? She’s not going to look at my listing, and that’s fine and as it should be. Let her find her bi-beau. Perfect.
I find it disrespectful for a ciswoman to invade a gay space. Sites like Bumble were made to make women feel safe and in-control, why can’t queer people have the same thing?
No way … I do not want to see women, or women’s body parts on a gay site or app. I’m gay because I like looking at men. The last thing I want to see is tits, lipstick, etc. It’s a huge turn-off. There can, and should be a separate app for bi people to meet those of the opposite sex. Gay sites should be about same-sex … guys (whether gay/bi/or curious … all should be welcome) meeting guys.
If she wants to go on some queer app to date, then go for it. That’s what they made OKcupid for. But as far as A4A, queer it is not. As far as trans go, there is a spot in all sexualities for them, and trans people can be a gray area for some. The modern connotative definitions for sexualities (gay/straight/bi) include them, so that doesn’t matter. They belong, although that does not mean any person will be open to a trans person (I’m not into women or vagina). As other people have stated. This site is “Adam4Adam.” This mainly… Read more »
this is in reference to jack!!! there are so many women that want to have a gay man as a friend, they feel safe with them knowing that the gay man is not going to hit on her, as far as a straight man or a woman going on a gay site to meet or to talk to a LGBT person what is the harm, do you really want to isolate your self to only LGBT people, you say thats what the straight people do to gays, so now you want to do it back to them, by the way… Read more »
You have some good points m, except I think you are forgetting that sites like A4A and Scruff, etc are not aps like Facebook where they are just meant for social interaction. These sites are specific to … let’s use a loose definition of “dating”. Meant for guys looking for their version of guys. Because of the nature of these sites it is not EXCLUSIVE toward people but providing a location that is specific to tastes. Similar to a grocery store, I don’t see anyone up in arms because a farmers market (known for fresh produce) isn’t making a wide… Read more »
I already see it on tinder and Grindr where clearly cis-women are looking for attention from any type of guy they can.. I get that this site does cater to curious guys and bi guys and I’m 100% ok with trans but let us have something that is ours… I know I’m opening myself up to ridicule but idc… this is our space let’s keep it that way… and before you ask… I am nice to the clearly cis women that hit me up on Grindr but I do swipe left on the clearly cis women on tinder
From what I’ve seen, ‘bi’ equals gay, married to a woman and looking to fuck around behind her back. So good luck on that one cisgender sis.
You say NO get the fuck out! and report them.
What’s her name and number?
I did have a “STR8” women contact me on here one time that was looking for her husband. She contacted me telling me she heard rumors and was trying to catch him. Told her I did not know him and never heard of him.
I personally feel it depends on why they’re on such sites. I don’t condone infidelity but also not interested in being harrassed by wives of “straight men “. However the B stands for bi so if they’re looking for a bi man to join with her and husband I suppose it’s a valid reason. Also many sites are much more than prostitution solicitors anyway so if they’d like to pay for a live gay porn cool too I guess. But don’t ask if I’ve been with your husband if he came home I obviously haven’t honey because I do what… Read more »
would you accept a biological male who had surgery to transition to female, then transitioned to identify as male, FTM?
And yes, this man is pansexual
I could care less, some of us use to visit hetero-sites, I’m sure. Now ‘if’ she was tryin’ to hook-up with me other something, that, would be different, just remind her of where she is and wish her luck.
Fortunately, A4A offers the “block” feature. I use this tool liberally to make invisible the profiles of A4A users who do not interest me and from whom I do not want to hear. That would include the stray cis woman, should she appear in my area. However, I have three other thoughts. 1. A gay dating site with an emphasis on sexual hookups is probably not the best place for a cis woman to look for dates. 2. Bi-male members who claim they would welcome cis women are being disingenuous; bi men come to A4A in search of other men.… Read more »
I agree as well. Cis women are not accepted on A4A anyways..
As a bi man i would welcome the ladies, like the writer rightly said just like straight guys they r terrible gay,bi,trans guys out there, ppl will be ppl where ever you go, for a community that screams they want inclusion they sure as hell don’t offer it to others, for a site as well that always post up stuff about straight men and going after them and how to suck a straight man off I see no problem in it, What I would advise her is be prepared to enter a community that some ppl would accept you but… Read more »
I wouldn’t welcome such at all. Let’s be honest here. The ‘dating’ apps like A4A, BBRT, Grinder, Scruff, etc are for hookups more then for dating. Call it what you will, it is what it is. Most of the so called ‘straight guys’ who are on here are more bi then anything and just dipping a toe in the water so to speak and want a measure of ‘deniability’. I am open minded and accepting of differences, but let’s reverse it. IF it was a gay guy on a ‘het’ dating app, would they be considered welcome and acceptable? *listens… Read more »
It’s not acceptable. A dating app is for a man to find another man, not a man that looks like a woman and not a natural-born woman. Conversely, an app for heterosexuality, it’s not acceptable for a man on there to flirt with another man, nor a woman to flirt with another woman. The target audience that the app is designed for, is to be respected. If a person wants to interact with people that are on an app that the person is not designed for, they can use social sites like facebook, twitter, etc, in which the realm is… Read more »
There’s absolutely no point for a woman to be on a gay hookup/dating app just like theres no point for a gay man to be on a straight hookup/dating app period!
I believe in being humane to people, but I will frankly tell you this: I have been with fem-acting guys who looked like the boy next door, and I have been with guys who had “drag” as a hobby, but their everyday self looked like the boy next door. I personally do not feel attracted to guys in heels, eyeliner, and full bras. I am literally attracted to men. I have seen some FTM guys who attract me, they bring now, men. But MTF or crossdressers don’t attract me because I’m attracted to men. I’m gay, and very visual. Mannerisms… Read more »
Str8 people have so many objections to gays on their websites, but they expect us to accept this behavior?
WTF?
Nothing but another attempt at exerting “privilege” in a space not designed for you. I feel the same way about this as I do with the women who.invade gay bars now….the bachelorettes…loud “fag hags” and Beckys….or women who even invade gay leather bars, sometimes coming in costume and making a scene (and entering even the spaces where men are having sex). Aren’t there apps for bisexuals? She could take her azz over there…and stop trying to make it seem as if she has no choices.
I say a4a shouldn’t amen the hint and design a bi version for those that want that. However I don’t want to see a wide-on when I’m online. I’m sure there’s lesbians that don’t want to look at hard-one too. When it’s comes to sexual means I think there’s a need for more fluid type, however leave the straight girls off a4a I love the ladies just not what I want to deal with when looking for action. They already equal or sometimes outnumber us in gay bars.
You’re in the wrong site this is for men who squirt their cum inside other men
That’s a good topic. I’m seeing more and more women in our app, i’m wondering why.
Imagine a straight woman, who wants to be married for appearances, security, friendship, companionship, or whatever her motivations might be, but doesn’t want the sex or kids. She marries a gay guy and allows him to have his fun with other men. Sounds like a win/win to me and other closeted married men I know.
If I wanted a woman I would go on a str8 site and get one
why should that bother anybody? if i was on a gay dating site, a straight women would not even come up on search contents, only an insecure person would maybe have an issue, unlike a straight man on a lesbian dating site. would be removed immediately no questions asked.
I found Adam4Adam years ago, when it was still beta. Before that, I had used a Canadian site that included everybody. But they split it up. Gay males had a section, there was a section for transvestites, there was a section for bi guys, and I think there was a section for m/f couples looking for men. Adam4Adam was more likely to have guys near me, and it was males. That was the name. I admire that Adam4Adam provided options of FTM and MTF, but now, they say only “trans” and leave you uncertain whether this hot guy is a… Read more »