Speak Out: How is Same-Sex Dalliances Different from Bisexuality?

(Photo by Jean-Baptiste Burbaud from Pexels)

Hey, guys! An Adam4Adam member and blog reader wrote to us saying he wanted to know more about “same-sex dalliances” because he’s never heard of the word up until he read the story yesterday about Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor having a dalliance. Also, he wants to know how it is any different from bisexuality and ultimately he, of course, wants to hear your thoughts about “same-sex dalliances.” 

The aforementioned Brando-Pryor dalliance by the way was confirmed by Pryor’s widow. She said that Pryor—a multi-awarded American stand-up comedian and actor who passed away in 2005—was not ashamed of his “dalliance” with actor Marlon Brando and a transgender woman. There’s a documentary about him released recently titled, ‘I Am Richard Pryor.’ 

The Brando-Pryor story reignited the long-standing interest of our A4A reader regarding straight men sleeping with other men. He explained that his curiosity stemmed from his real-life observations wherein some of the straight guys he grew up with were players who had “lots of girls” and yet he would hear that “they had been with this specific gay guy.” He doesn’t “think they are bisexual at all” because he knows “they prefer women” but that now he’s got a word to describe it—dalliance.

That being said, dalliance is defined as “a sexual relationship that is not lasting or serious” and is mostly associated with the words “fun,” “flirting,” “casual,” and “brief.” 

As for bisexuality, well, there are a lot of definitions out there so we’ll settle for the shorter one that is from the Bisexual Resource Center (BRC), USA. According to BRC, they “use bisexual as an umbrella term for people who recognize and honor their potential for sexual and emotional attraction to more than one gender.” 

Anyway, according to an article, researches and surveys back these definitions because respondents of multiple studies on straight men who had same-sex dalliances explained that for them their experiences were and we quote:

  • “often only a physical attraction when it comes to men.” That some of them aren’t “drawn toward male bodies as much as they are on female” 
  • others say “they’re only interested in penises”
  • one said he could “barely hug a man” but that he does have a “healthy sexual imagination and wonder about other things in the sexual realm” that he’s never done before so sometimes he gets “naughty and explore.”
  • “mostly out of sexual frustration but also experimenting.” 

Moreover, a research’s findings—wherein its 100 respondents where straight men seeking same-sex dalliances online—revealed that the respondents’ interest in men is “purely or mainly sexual, not romantic or emotional.” Which pretty much explains why it is called a dalliance, I think. But never mind me, what do you think? 

In addition, we’d love to hear from Adam4Adam readers who had dalliances with straight men. And also, we want to hear from our straight curious Adam4Adam members: why do you engage in same-sex dalliances and care to share with us your stories? 

Lastly, if you have blog post ideas that you’d like us to write about, please don’t hesitate to email us at [email protected] about it. 

Happy weekend, everyone!  

There are 40 comments

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  1. Matt

    Here’s the reality: human beings have the capacity to have sex with either gender and for said sex to be exciting and fulfilling. Full stop.

    When we label sex as straight or LGBTQ we are being judgmental and trying to put everyone into a closet where we think they belong.

    I know several straight guys that like occasional sex with men, but they do not see that as gay sex or even that they are bisexual.

    Stop the judgment. Have sex with whomever you want to be with. Enjoy it. Stop trying to pigeonhole people by judging them.

    Imagine not labeling anyone for their sexuality.

    • bjjj

      I agree with Matt, I don’t think there are any (or maybe very few) perfectly straight or perfectly gay guys or women. I also say enjoy sex with whom ever you wish as long as both people are consenting adults. My BF and I have sex with others as well, and we both accept it. As a matter of fact we even tell each other about our experiences. I agree though most guys just hook up for the thrill of getting off. I guess though I am somewhat different as my BF and I enjoy cuddling, kissing, and making out as well.

  2. James

    I think it varies from person to person. I’m bisexual and I have both good encounters with men and women. Both parties have their good quality and if you prefer one over the other, to each is own.

  3. anonimatovato

    I think most of these “straight” men are a bit bi or maybe they just want to experiment but keep this on the dl, but because of social pressure they don’t want to come out of the closet. Straight men like them has a lot to lose especially if married with women with children. The taboo would be too much to bare in those situations if it gets revealed. Sadly because of discrimination against LBGTQ, he might lose his job or promotion because of his experiments with guys or trans women.

  4. Greg

    I am a gay man who has sex mainly with married (to women) men. This practice started as the exploration of a fantasy (straight men, the forbidden fruit, no pun intended), but then developed into a choice. My work schedule is such that having a fuck buddy is preferable to dating, and married men make good fuck buddies. They are interested in sex, not romance; they are curious about exploring sexual acts that they can’t explore with their wives; and their time is limited, so the focus is directly on getting off. I don’t try to define or understand their sexual orientation or their sexual practices (like sucking dick but not kissing)–instead, I make a place and time available to them and enjoy the resulting sex.

  5. Darrell

    Thank you for this definition. I have labeled myself bisexual. I am married to a woman. I have a strong sexual attraction to men, but have no desire to be in a relationship with a man.

    It seems like I fit the dalliance definition more than bisexual.

    • Marcus

      Darrell, I agree with you 100%. You described me to a tee. I have never been on a date with a man and have no desire too. Never held a man’s hand and have no desire too. I can’t imagine being married to a dude. Waking up in the morning in bed with another hairy ass-stratching man gross me out. I’m not even sure I could get along with a live-in dude. That Richard Pryor/ Marlon Brando thing was probably just wild explosive oral and ass-fucking sex. I’m sure drugs played a huge role during their encounters. I can imagine them flip-flopping. When I fucked women exclusively my biggest fantasy was getting fucked and sucking dick moreso than actually fucking and kissing. I was excited about wondering how it would feel with a throbbing hard dick lodged deep inside my tight ass. Wanted to see if I could capture the pleasure I gave women when I fucked them senselessly for hours and hours. Unfortunately I couldn’t take dick the way they can but I did enjoyed it at times. Strictly depends on the top. After each session, I wanted out as soon as possible. Never cuddled or talked afterward like I do with women. I wanted to get away from them as soon as possible. Most of the time I felt really strange after nutting and would clean up immediately with no desire for round 2, or another future session. Dilliances are truly real and only guys that live it can explain it.

      • drew mayer

        this is very interesting. i’ve never heard of a dilliance. i have a close friend who sounds exactly like this. he told me once he would marry me. i guess he’s probably already taken. my soul is destroyed.

  6. Robert

    I had experiences like that with guys who identified themselves as straight. One more recently identified himself as straight with a curve in his path every now and then. He was married and loved sucking dick and being sucked and he believed that guys give the best blowjobs. It seemed that he wasn’t as interested in my body or appearance even though he thought I was handsome but he was mainly just interested in my dick and he just couldn’t get enough of it. He was handsome, very masculine and a very muscular bodybuilder who just wanted something different sexually that a female could not give him and I understood and respect that and we just used each other and went our separate ways until the next fling that may or may not happen with each of us not expecting anything else. If it happens again fine and if it doesn’t that’s fine too. Sexuality can be very diverse and nonspecific and not easily categorized in just gay, straight or bi as these experiences are more common than many realize but are just kept on the down low.

  7. Looking

    Well I enjoy sex with men, but have yet to form an intimate bond with a man that has led to sex. Soooo, what does that make me? I don’t know.

  8. bjjj

    There are so many guys that love to suck a cock, get sucked, or even fuck each other just to get off, but when it comes to kissing and cuddling up with a guy, well, it’s like “I don’t kiss and cuddle”. So many married bi guys can’t bring themselves to emotionally get into another man, but just need to get their “rocks off” as they don’t feel satisfied at home. When it comes to “making out” with another man, well it feels too much like cheating on their wife or girlfriend. Personally I like making out with another guy, as it helps me turn on to him, which gets me more in the mood for actually physical sexual activity. The idea of sharing it all is a turn on to me. I don’t want to just share his cock or ass, but want to share everything about him, including kissing, cuddling, rimming, showering, and sometimes even ws or more. There are so many guys trapped into a monogamous relationship, where in reality, guys need variety. I don’t believe that sex with one man and one woman for life has to be something set in stone. I don’t know why people in general have to make such an issue about “cheating”. Most everyone does, including women as well.

  9. Edward

    I love how we are re-inventing the Kinsey research, imperfectly, -70 years later-.

    It’s funny to watch people twist themselves into knots trying to apply their social ideology to the real world. Redefining bisexuals, as a good example. I like men and women. Only. No other made up genders. I guess I am not bisexual anymore, since that word has been sacrificed on the alter of social justice and inclusion. Or calling someone that is “physically attracted to men” “straight, but has dalliances”. (L.O.motherfucking.L.) Honey, that is called being gay. Or Bi. But not straight. Hard stop.

    Or trying to invent new labels for what are extremely common, very average things. A guy that would get an un-reciprocated BJ from a super twink if he was sexually frustrated? That doesn’t need a new word. That is just a fairly hetero guy that wants a BJ. Nothing more nothing less.

    We have taken regular sexual preferences and turned them into a convoluted quagmire of labels and groups, all in a race to be the most oppressed. Identity politics is a disease.

    70 years ago we learned that men and women all exist somewhere between completely hetero and completely homo, and that changes with age, experience, and partner. That system treats people like unique people and not labels or tribes.

    It’s this bullshit that leads the community to be divisive. It’s this shit that makes the Advocate (oldest and largest LGBT publication in the US) run a front page article saying that Peter Theil “wasn’t really a gay man” because of his politics. They even said “he has sex with other men, but is he gay?”. Um…. yeah, yeah he is.

    We need to stop this bullshit. Not only is it laughably convoluted (and wrong), it’s divisive, something that the LGBT community once upon a time knew the dangers of.

    • Libertarian Queer

      Say there, Edward, when you wrote that and hit the “send” button did you know you were going to win the internet for it? Well, you did win the internet today as far as I’m concerned. I have to completely agree with you and I applaud you for your efforts to point out how utterly bizarre and senseless identity politics are. Now, if we could only get more people to actually think before they vote and not just cast their ballot for whomever the “crowd” seems to be going with….

    • TiredOfIt

      Exactly. Kinsey’s research had this all nailed down in the 1950s. But the millennials are clueless…as they are with so many things. It was the research by Kinsey, as well as Masters and Johnson, that paved the way for gays and bis to no longer be considered “mentally ill.” It was the research on the ’50s that paved the way for gay liberation in the ’60s and ’70s, of which I was a part.

  10. Father Hennepin

    Not labeling anyone would be a morass of confusion. No. Society must have structures. People have to be able to have some expectations of others. You can’t just ask anyone if they want to go to bed with you. You need signals of some kind that show possible receptivity, hence gender-oriented clothing and behaviors, etc.
    Some straight men signal to me that they would sleep with a guy, but they have to fall in love first. If they never meet that guy, they stay straight. I see many straight guys online seeking a “buddy” who will likely be their companion, while remaining married. Especially Italian guys.

  11. Dre-in-the-City

    I think the whole point here is that one’s sexuality (like religion) is a personal thing. It is something that one has to reconcile within themselves. I have been with men and women, but no one put a gun to my head for either situation. I wasn’t trying to “prove a point” or none of the other nonsense we’ve tried to hang on each other generation after generation. I honestly have just never cared who (or what) someone else has in their bed. I just don’t give a fuck (pun fully intended). I guess I’m seconding what Matt posted here earlier. Most of this label shit is just noise in the face of one’s individual circumstances.

  12. doug

    I didn’t read previous responses before writing mine. My story is this, I grew up at a time and a place and in a family where if I openly loved another boy/man the consequences would be pretty severe. Secretly loving another wasn’t possible either. long story short, I married, had kids but the feelings never left. About 5 years ago I decided to see what I was missing. I love my wife, my kids and my life, but have to wonder how my life would have been different if I took this step earlier.

  13. Ravett

    The ancient world (Greeks, Romans) didn’t distinguish sexuality particularly on the sex of one’s partners, casual or not. They distinguished between what we now call “tops” and “bottoms”. The receiver, the bottom, especially if he was grown (late teens on, basically) was looked down on as not being a real man, being too feminine, etc. The top was regarded as a man, masculine, worthy of respect, no matter what sex he preferred. Now, we attempt to categorize on the basis of what sex one prefers, rather than what position, so to speak. Which is better, more accurate, more useful? I regard myself as bisexual because I like sex with both women and men, and I could very well have an intimate relationship with either. I’m also what’s termed “versatile”. So I’m in-between by either standard, as are many others. I’m not sure I’d go with some of the comments above, i.e., that it’s all arbitrary and everyone is flexible. On the other hand, surely there are better ways to categorize people than the sex or sexual position they prefer: like, how nice are they? How nasty? What skills do they have? And so forth. If you read the history of all this, a variety of power plays, mostly by the Judeo-Christian religions, seem largely responsible for the sad dilemma we’re in now. It’s pretty simple, really: if you can successfully forbid a basic, strong, fundamental human drive, or severely restrict it, then you have enormous power over people.

  14. Locofun3

    I am a married man that loves my wife very much. But I love to suck a mans cock from time to time. That being said I don’t have to be attracted to them it’s just sex. My wife knows about this and is fine with it she has had sex with other men and says the same thing its just me the first time was to satisfy a itch of what it would be like to do something to a guy that brings us so much pleasure. And once I did it I found I like giving head to a guy as much as I liked eating a womans pussy. To me its still taboo but I love the hard but soft feel of a cock in my mouth and to know that hes just there to let me get him off is fine with me .that’s the other thing most guys want to cum in a willing mouth and a lot of the women just dont want to complete the job.

  15. steamy4u99

    Wow, one more definition to ponder, so I can decide if I fit it. Really, is it necessary to put labels on everything? I”m simply a guy who enjoys sex with both genders and generally i’m more concerned about finding someone to enjoy it with rather than sit around and worry about what I am.

  16. Edgar

    I leave the bisexuality to the believers. I don’t believe on bisexuality. All the bi-sexuals I know they ARE gay. They do sex with opposite sex because society. Family. Religion or because their self esteem is LOW. “Bisexuals” can ne the most romantic..the most relationship oriented, the most sexual. But you always have to settle for less.

  17. Geo

    I feel like we live in a world where men married (to a woman) having any kind of sex with men have to justify being “straight” to satisfy some societal norm.
    We make all these new words, but at the same time adding connotations to pre-existing words.
    Retracing the etymological definition of the word “homosexual,” is a sexual attraction to the same sex. This technically has nothing to do with romantic or sensual attraction to same-sex.
    I identify as homosexual, albeit I would totally be romantic and sensual with a woman, however, cross the line at having sex with her. Does that mean I’m actually bisexual? If you parse that term, it means sexual attraction to both genders, and I explicitly stated I would have sex with only men.
    Regardless, this is more on the labels themselves, rather than the labels applied to a person.
    In regards to the labeling of a person, it doesn’t matter at this point! If someone asks me for my label, I tell them “I’m a queer, polyamorous, homosexual, panromantic, pansensual, kinky mofo. At the end of the day all that matters is, “do our end goals – what we are looking for – complement each other?” People talk about being pigeonholed, but miss the point of also not trying to stray or deviate from another, like the gay guys that say they’re “not that kind of gay.”
    I don’t seek to be pigeonholed, nor do I seek to deviate myself in order to seem different. Let’s just be adults and use the words we learned to specifically express what we want out of a person/situation/scenario.

  18. Halfcut45

    This is interesting. Sexuality is a continuous spectrum, in my opinion. Like a spectrum, there may be different named colors, but the wavelengths that resonate the colors don’t stop and start. Many folks are satisfied with the center of the bell curve, many aren’t

  19. Lamar

    I once long ago heard a very ancient quote, “women are for kids and men are for love” from the gladiators/warriors of the day, back then. Which meant, same-sex fornication among men, was rampant/common and excepted, may have served as a bonding-act, even. Especially, among the older warriors with the training of younger soldiers; a kind of father-son relationships. Defining a situation is one thing, and a label, is another.

  20. InOverMyHead

    Sometimes guys just want to get their rocks off. A mouth is a mouth, a hole is a hole. The labels aren’t always important.

  21. hunter0500

    “Dalliance” … It sounds naughty. It sounds dramatic. It sounds provacative. Far from it, actually. Think of it as “frivolity.”

    Of course it’s a word a 100% gay guys would use when describing man sex by “straight” guy.s The “straight” guys, of course, are anything but 100% straight. The horse here is long dead.

    It’s just one of the kinds of things militant gays do to keep.the division between them and everyone else alive.

  22. jacob

    I”m a “bisexual” of the kind many gay guys think doesn’t exist – I am romantically and sexually interested in women, spend most of my sexual/mental energy on them, but am almost equally sexually attracted to men – cocks, to be exact. I have little interest in fucking a man’s asshole. Maybe as much as the penis’s form itself and the idea of it being inside me, it’s the excitement from the taboo of having sex as a bottom that I get off on. Hard to describe the difference between penetrating and being penetrated, and I don’t care what we, as a society, tell ourselves – nothing raises the eyebrows of even the most tolerant straight people, men and women alike, than hearing that a masculine straight guy takes it in the ass from time to time, and while I have to admit I struggle with that a bit, it’s also the essence of why I have gay sex. And obviously, I can’t say that about straight sex, from which I get something totally different. Thanks for all of your posts, I’ve wondered long and often whether indulging in submissive sex is a mentally healthy thing to do, or whether I shouldn’t just put the question to bed and not wonder again whether what I like is good or bad. It just never occurred to me before now to write about it.

  23. Jason

    I think that if you have any kind of sex with a person of the same gender…then you are bisexual. Sex my not be completely black or white…but having sex with same sex partners as well as opposite sex partners qualifies as bisexual. A dalliance is just that…a dalliance or sex for sex sake. I feel that a truly 100 percent straight mans would never have a dalliance with another man.

  24. Bill

    not sure where I would fit in… I was raped {seduced} repeatedly from age 7 to 12 years old.. when I became a teenager I realized what was happening to me. I forced myself to be straight. I am extremely attracted to men, yes I do not get any gratification or completion from sex with a man. I am not sexually attracted to a woman at all….yet when I have sex with a woman I am totally satisfied…

  25. Jason

    There are too many “straight” fetishizing gay men with an inferiority complex. Remove them, and trust me, all of this confusing, convoluted bullshit would come to an end. Lies breed more lies. People are redefining themselves in relation to the lies other people told about themselves and they bought into the shit.

    • TiredOfIt

      Sorry…the desire for a “str8 guy” is part of übergay sexuality…always had been, always will be. Try learning some history.

  26. Greg

    I will add one thing to my statement above, especially after reading the pejorative comments about “militant gays” and “identity politics.”

    While I may have sexual encounters with married fuck buddies, I don’t tolerate guys who have man-on-man sex and then proceed to be homophobic in their actions, remarks, or support for political candidates.

    My own self-respect is more important than sex. The old saying is true, “Friends don’t let friends date Republicans.”

    • Jason

      But how do you know they aren’t precisely the type to go out and sabotage you on a socially and politically while wanting to fuck you “discreetly” if it’s not a real relationship? Even fuck buddies perpetrate. This is why it’s best to avoid those quasi “st8” (and certain bi identified) dudes altogether. They rub me the wrong way. Frankly I find sexual “curiosity” to be more insecurity than anything. The vast majority of the time, these dudes are a on psychologically unhealthy mission of “getting the undesirable thing out of their system”.

  27. Izzy

    Im in the closet again because my mom found out about my gay life im not married to a woman because im Jewish and have not been able to find a Jewish Girlfriend to marry in my community if the mother is Jewish so are the children not so with me if i marry a nonJewish woman its complicated so i have gay sex

  28. sexfreakartist

    I call myself bisexual but I am only attracted to women and think all men are ugly. but the second I see a penis I want it in me. I would let a couple guys I just met fuck me and think nothing of it but if one of them wanted to hold my hand or kiss me it would be so horrible I would probably need years of therapy. I know it sounds odd but it’s just the way it is. plus I think it is more natural for people to be bisexual than it is to be straight or gay. just like it would be unnatural for someone to only eat hamburgers and nothing else.

  29. Thug

    Sexuality is innate… identities are learned, acquired, capricious, and arbitrary. The need to categorize, partition, deny, and project are just the tired old remnants of homophobia. One doesn’t really acquire a different “specieshood” from not being “one of them.”

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