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Dating preferences always seem to spark arguments in the gay community, especially when masculinity enters the conversation. One gay man online recently questioned why some people accuse masculine gay men of “internalized homophobia” for wanting to date other masculine men. He asked, “Why are some people upset when a very masc gay man wants another very masc gay man?” He added:

I’ve seen some people say that if a very masculine gay man prefers another very masculine gay man, it’s ‘internalized homophobia.’ How does that even make sense? I think many people don’t actually know the definition of internalized homophobia.

Why should a very masculine gay man be with a feminine gay man if that’s not his preference? Why is it considered okay for a feminine gay man to prefer a very masculine gay man, but suddenly a problem when a very masculine gay man prefers another masculine gay man?

I actually think that mindset can be more influenced by heteronormative thinking. It’s like saying masculine and masculine cannot go together because it doesn’t fit the typical “masculine and feminine” dynamic.

Masculine + feminine = acceptable, because it resembles the traditional masculine/feminine structure.
Masculine + masculine = questioned, even though attraction and preferences are personal.

I’m not even very masculine myself, but this way of thinking bothers me.

The post earned a lot of responses from gay men. One man explained that he often gets accused of internalized homophobia simply for not being attracted to feminine men. He wrote, “I get hit with the whole ‘internalized homophobia’ thing when I simply tell a guy I’m not attracted to men who dress feminine, act feminine, wear makeup, and fake nails. I think it’s great and amazing that they express themselves that way, but it’s not attractive to me. I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to not be attracted to certain things. I’d never tear someone down for choosing to express themselves that way; it’s just not my preference.”

In addition, others argued that the real issue is not attraction itself, but the disrespect that sometimes comes with it. One commenter pointed out that many feminine gay men feel attacked when preferences are expressed through insults, mockery, or superiority. He explained that phrases like “real men only” or “no fats, no femmes” often make people feel devalued, adding that preferences become problematic when they turn into contempt or bullying. He explained:

The problem isn’t the attraction itself. It’s the bullying and constant devaluing of femme men.

I’ve noticed that within almost every sexuality, there’s some kind of masc/femme dichotomy. Preferences are normal.

Most people understand:

masc men liking masc men

femme men liking masc men

masc women liking femme women

etc.

What people are actually hurt by is:

‘femmes are annoying’

‘acting like a woman is embarrassing’

‘no fats, no femmes’

‘real men only’

Or just femininity in men constantly being treated as lesser.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with attraction or preference. Saying ‘thank you, but you don’t fit my preference’ is completely fine.

Being a bully and projecting your ego onto other people is the problem.

The issue starts when preference turns into superiority, contempt, mockery, or social hierarchy.

That’s where people start bringing up internalized homophobia or misogyny, not always because of the attraction itself, but because femininity in men is often socially devalued.

It’s okay to have a preference. Just don’t demonize or bully the other side.

My issue is why so many of y’all don’t understand that. It’s a very simple concept: don’t be an asshole.

But some of y’all struggle with that too.

In addition, another gay man said he has seen similar arguments for decades. “I’ve been out for 32 years now, a ‘masc’ top I guess, and one thing I’ve noticed from the first day I started talking to other out gays is that there is one type of gay man who tries to gatekeep what is & isn’t allowable in the gay/bi male community.”

On the other hand, one gay man explained, “Jealousy. Two masc guys together is two masc guys taken off the market for feminine guys lol.” Another added, “Masc guy married to another masc guy here – never encountered this.”

Still, several men acknowledged that conversations about “masc4masc” often become toxic because feminine men end up being insulted during the discussion. One gay man wrote, “From my experience, I’ve noticed whenever I see posts or conversations about this. They always seem to kick down feminine guys along the way, then it becomes an argument; it usually doesn’t help anyone’s case.”

Another comment further elaborates on his point, “It’s less about the actual preferences and more about how they are communicated. Quite often, masc4masc individuals (not all but quite a few) use the preference as an excuse to bash more feminine members of our community. Not being attracted to femininity is not the issue, but once you start saying that ‘fems are what is wrong with the gay community,’ that’s when you start getting pushback.”

The discussion shows that most gay men agree that attraction cannot be forced. At the same time, many believe preferences should be expressed without degrading people who do not fit them.

Having said all that, what do you think, Adam4Adam readers? Is “masc4masc” simply a personal preference, or do some people use it to put others down? Have you ever been judged for the type of men you are attracted to? And do you think the gay community sometimes overcomplicates attraction and masculinity? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below!

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