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What if—the ex-boyfriend who you’ve loved, lost (broke up with you), and never quite let go of—now wants to reconcile with you? Would you take him back? Why or why not?
This is the dilemma that a gay man brought up online. He shared, “He’s coming back after three fucking years.” Further, he said:
Three years ago, I was in a relationship with a military guy. He holds the rank of captain in a fairly prestigious regiment in my country’s army. He chose his career because, I quote, ‘I can’t be openly gay at my rank’. It took me months to get over our break-up. I was very much in love with him. Before blocking me, he also said, ‘Don’t push it, I’ll come back when I’ve had a break’. Well… He suddenly messaged me last night whilst I was at the pub with work colleagues. He asked me if I was single and if I’d been waiting for him. I asked him if he was serious or if he was taking the piss out of me because, for fuck’s sake, after three years, didn’t he think it was inappropriate to come back after all that time?
I was drunk, I told him to go fuck himself, and asked if he was still in the army. The answer is yes. I told him I couldn’t see myself living in secret (even though his family and close friends outside the army know about him), and with the prospect of him often being away for weeks or months on overseas operations. He says he understands, but that he hasn’t forgotten me all this time, and that he wants us to meet up again.
I’m single, and even though I want to hate him with every fiber of my being, I wonder if I should see him again. The truth is, I haven’t forgotten him either, and one of the reasons my recent relationships haven’t worked out is that I was still thinking about him. But on the other hand, I’d come to terms with the fact that he’d never come back. And there it is.
I know that if I see him again, he’ll soften my heart, and it’ll bring up old feelings, and I don’t want that. But on the other hand, I just want to jump in my car and go and find him.
He tells me he wants something serious and that he knows it’s a special life and that it requires compromises, and that he understands why I don’t want this.
I don’t know what to do.
Are there any of you here who are in a relationship with someone in the military? If so, how do you manage that kind of life?
And now he’s stuck in that familiar tension: head versus heart. He knows what the relationship would require—secrecy, distance, compromise. He knows what hurt last time. But he also knows one thing he can’t ignore: he never really forgot him.
What about you, guys? What do you do when your former boyfriend shows up like that? Do you protect your peace, or risk it again for something that once meant everything?
Some of the gay men online don’t hold back. Some lean toward confrontation, not avoidance. One guy said, “To be honest, if I were in your position, I’d see him. I just think that if one can’t forget about a person for three years, it’s best to confront those feelings. That’s just my opinion, though.”
There’s logic in that. Avoiding someone doesn’t erase those feelings, and sometimes, the only way forward is through.
On the other hand, others recognize the emotional trap and admit they’d still fall into it anyway:
“If I were giving advice, I would say block and move on, and book an appointment with your therapist. If it were me in that situation, I’d see him. Then block and move on and go book an appointment with my therapist.”This guy showed self-awareness with a dose of realism; even if we know better, it doesn’t mean we will do the right thing, which in this case is to ignore and block the ex-boyfriend.
Then there are the guys who see nothing but warning signs: “I can see this red flag from outer space. Move on.” No hesitation. No nostalgia. Just a clear line drawn between what was and what should never be again.
But not everyone agrees that closure comes from walking away. For some, unfinished stories demand an ending like for this gay man who replied, “If you don’t give it a chance, you will never be able to live with yourself. For good or bad, I have a feeling for good, you have to take this through to the end.
You have to follow your heart.”
For this guy, he believes that you’ll always wonder ‘what if?’ and this can be powerful enough to pull you right back in.
Meanwhile, others take a more grounded view, focusing less on the romance and more on reality:
“As someone who has recently broken off with someone I loved, I think what I have understood is you can poll everyone for answers to my questions, but in the end, no one can answer the question if you will love someone who is always going to be imperfect. Best of luck, OP!”
Love isn’t just about feelings; it’s about whether you can live with the situation that comes with the person.
In addition, there’s also the issue of self-worth. Several responses shift the focus away from the ex-boyfriend entirely and back onto the person being asked to decide: “Know your worth! You do not need to sacrifice your well-being to be with a guy who didn’t choose you first or set healthy boundaries in the first place.” He added, “You do not deserve the stress and anxiety of having him flip-flop between you and his work. You can have your fun, but know that in the end, you have to do what is best for yourself, even if it takes a while to realize you need to find someone who would work on making work and relationships work.”
That’s the hard truth: being wanted now doesn’t erase not being chosen before.
Lastly, another gay man said, “If you love yourself even a bit, you will block and have no contact with this guy.” It’s not about him. It’s about you, and what you’re willing to accept.
And maybe that’s what this really comes down to.
Not whether he’s changed. Not whether the feelings are still there. But whether the situation itself has changed enough to make it work this time.
Because the core issues are still there: secrecy, distance, compromise. The same reasons it ended in the first place.
So, the question isn’t just “Do you still love him?”
It’s “Can you live the life that comes with loving him?”
Having said all that, what about you, Adam4Adam blog reader? What would you do if an ex came back after years, especially one you never fully got over? Would you meet him, just to see what’s still there? Or would you shut it down, knowing how it ended the first time? Are you willing to take an ex back, and if so, what has to be different for it to work? Would you risk reopening old feelings, or protect yourself and walk away? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
To this date, some 30 years later, if “S” showed up at my doorstep, I would welcome him with open arms. Work separated us, so it was a painful but amicable break up. Alas, he passed awhile back and I only found out by accident.
My mistake, “J”, was too young for a relationship but I turned a blind eye and was the first of a string of his break ups, fleeing when the next, shiny thing came along. So, no thanks to him.
Would depend on how good a fuck he was!
I personally did that once, because I thought I acted too rash in letting him go. We broke up again a year later. Soooo in the future… No.
Never had a boyfriend but would definitely do the guy in the picture. Lol (hell yeah)
Funny, isn’t it, how their models are never members.
Totally agree buddy!!!!
To thine own self be true. Your feelings rule. I would be able to set boundaries with the guy, let him know that I am not someone whose heart is to be taken and then left on the shelf for months at a time while he’s away. If he wants me, he needs to accept that I will be pursuing other men and enjoying my life until he’s ready to commit or I’ve committed to someone else. If he can accept those boundaries, then I would have sex with him and as often as time would permit realizing we’re there… Read more »
No.
Eric, you probably broke up with them on bad terms!!! (Kidding)❤️
Actually, we are still the best of friends. Together 16 years, have now known each other for nearly 31 years.
So with 2 exes, we tried again and it didn’t work. Some people find success finally after getting back together but it hasn’t worked in my favor. The old saying, “your ex is an ex for a reason,” is mostly spot on. That being said, I wouldn’t mind trying again with one ex. We had feelings for each other but it just didn’t work. It wasn’t my decision… later he admitted he wasn’t mature enough at the time. Thing is he lives in another state now…but I’d be willing to try again. He was my dream bf and I was… Read more »
I know at least two cases, where after being widowed, they renewed a relationship with their high-school sweetheart.
This question is way too broad. It would depend on how egregious the matter. If it’s infidelity, maybe I would. However, if he did something like voting for Trump…he’s dead to me. Not a chance. I’m throwing his ass out mid-sentence.
GURL get a life! Don’t blame POLITICS FOR your failures dude!
Sorry, I’m not living with anyone who supports…rapists & child molesters. You’re out, on the street.
And ALL THE LIBTARDS ARE PERFECT, RIGHT? You’re delusional dude!
Epstein was a demtard, read the facts, you might LEARN SOMETHING! Who’s your hero and mentor, George soros? Evil freak!
I’m sick and tired of hearing him accused ridiculously of being a “child molester.” I hate him plenty, but slandering people with unjustified accusations just makes you stupid.
DO try and stick exclusively to the subject at hand. Many similar websites ban such unnecessary and inappropriate political comments. Your post would appear to be a prime reason.
I did stick to the subject , at hand. I answered and defined my decision. That is all. That other person started bringing up the crimes and allegations. Re-read and comprehend.
No way do you have to have the same politics. Trump is no enemy of gay people. But infedility, violating trust, endangering your partner, that is far more unforgiveable, unless you did it, too.
You seem like an enemy of gay people as well. Unfortunately this isn’t your first goofy statement made. However, it’s the first one to me. All that information is in front of you, so I’m not going back and forth. You did get one part right, you’re sick and tired. I’m not challenging that.
I had literal nightmares after my ex broke up with me. He was a pothead, wasted all of our money on pot… I was the only one with a job, and he had the audacity to break up with me for some dude who would buy him more pot than I could. I had literal nightmares, where he was begging me to get back together, but I wouldn’t because he was such a drug-slut. We worked through literal homelessness where we were sleeping while parked in Walmart parking lots, built ourselves up and got jobs and a nice apartment, only… Read more »
Drug addiction, any addiction, is a legitimate reason to break up, unless they are willing to go sober.
I broke up with my partner because I found out he was a closeted piss monkey. Unfortunately I was told in an uncomfortable fashion. He was creep in off to leather bars and drinking piss. I didn’t know he was practicing this fetish. I would NEVER take him back under no circumstance. I nearly had to go to therapy. I can’t believe I ever kissed him. Yuck
HELL NO.
Whatever we shared took place at a certain time. That relationship ran it’s course and eventually the relationship fizzled and ended.
Any misguided misadventure to rekindle that long extinguished spark would just be chapter 2 in the endless parade of dumb.
We had our time. Unfortunately you can’t rewind the hands of time and the present here and now just isn’t our time.
Bad idea and a colossal waste of time and energy.
Two words: Hell No.
Agreed. Three (3) chances…slim…fat…no
Hell yeah he deserves one more chance! I try to NEVER say NEVER unless it’s something totally out of the question! After a couple years you and he hopefully changed and grew and possibly LEARNED HOW you could have a great life together! It’s DEF worth a TRY!
It would depend on the reason for the breakup. If it was work, family or something similar, then I probably would. If it was because of drugs, alcohol, or infidelity then no.
Dated someone for over three years that was more of a Committed FB than anything else……He was older, I was younger but the sex was incredible. He would have loved to see Me go All In but for some crazy reason I never did thinking I would find the elusive Mr. Wonderful. Eventually my job relocated Me but no one has ever satisfied me sexually like he could. He was Bigger, Masculine,High Motor and could always leave you moaning. I laughed when he actually told me he really liked Breeding Me because he said he knew I liked his aggressive… Read more »
The universe helped you make a decision that you couldn’t. That last sentence sealed your fate. A relationship can’t nurture on sex alone. You were fucking for 3 years, very little dating ( for eg. Nothing in common ). It’s now time for you to do some soul searching. What’s really Mr Wonderful to you? If its just sex perhaps he was your Mr Wonderful. We dont get more than we ask for. He also had an advantage over you. You have to compete with millions of bottoms ( gay, married and so called “ straight) for his attention.
Absolutely not under any conditions
Take him back? You’re lucky to even have one in the first place. Too many guys just don’t appreciate each other enough.
This is so funny, I was just telling a friend about this earlier today. About 3 weeks ago an ex that I haven’t seen in 2 years called and came over. Last week, I received an email on LinkedIn and wrote the guy. I got a call two days later, and it was the same guy, I haven’t seen in over 10 years. Yesterday, I got a message on my land-line from a guy I haven’t heard from in 15 years. We had an affair until he married. So far I have had fun with 2 of the 3. I… Read more »
Yep, SOMETIMES good old REGULARS are far better than newbies you know nothing about!
Only as a platonic friend.
So… someone could do something so irreparable to you, causing to terminate a relationship. However, you’d still like to grow “ as friends” ??? Built on what exactly?