(Photo Credits: Prostock-studio from Shutterstock)
A lesbian redditor recently posted a genuine question that sparked a flurry of thoughtful responses from gay men. She asked: “Why is masc4masc such a problem in gay male community? -From a lesbian” She added, “No hate, genuinely asking. Because in lesbian community, fem4fem is not an ick at all. Of course, masc hate is a thing in wlw community (just like fem hate in mlm one), but no one judges/hates fem4fem lesbians. Why is masc4masc considered weird or rude in gay community?”
Her question opened the floodgates to a complex and layered discussion about attraction, presentation, identity politics, and the baggage that often comes with dating preferences in the gay community.
One gay man pointed out something rarely said aloud: “I’ve also noticed that feminine or ‘intermediate’ type of gay men who attract more masculine men are HATED on by other feminine gays who do not attract such men.” There’s a deep social dynamic around desirability here—especially when one group feels overlooked by the men they desire and sees others being chosen instead.
Another guy shared, “I think it’s because most feminine gay men want masculine men. I haven’t really seen fem4fem among gay men.” Someone responded, “I’ve seen a few, here and there, it’s disappointing when the attraction doesn’t go both ways but that’s life.” In other words, it might come down to numbers—fem4fem is rare among gay men, so masc4masc becomes more visible and more contested. Do you agree with this, guys?
Others dug into the psychology and culture behind the controversy: “There’s nothing wrong with having a preference, there are just a lot of layers attached to this one.” They added that “masc4masc” is often coded with internalized homophobia, but also said that the term gets misused: “People who feel the need to outwardly state they are ‘masc4masc’ are not all that masculine… which is where the ‘weird’ aspect comes in.”
Some readers were blunt: “Sour grapes & hypocrisy. People often get upset at others having exclusionary preferences, while completely ignoring their own exclusionary preferences.”
In addition, another guy said, “It’s not a problem if that’s what you’re into. Being attracted to like doesn’t imply internalized homophobia. That can be the case, but not always.” The problem, many agreed, isn’t the preference—it’s when it’s used to demean or erase others.
One thoughtful comment offered more context: “A masculine guy can usually pass for straight, and won’t usually be the subject of harassment. But feminine men get rejected by society AND other gay men… so they get really bitter when they see masc4masc.”
Meanwhile, some gay men were totally unbothered: “This is only said to be a problem by fem men who can’t take rejection. For the majority of the community, nobody gives a f*ck.”
Lastly, someone put it simply: “It’s come to a point where just having a preference is considered rude AF.”
Having said all, what do you think, Adam4Adam blog readers? Is masc4masc problematic, or are we overanalyzing personal tastes?
Moreover, do you see a difference between preference and prejudice? Is masc4masc a real issue or an overblown talking point? Have you ever been judged for your type—or felt invisible in a sea of labels? Let us know your thoughts and experiences in the comments section down below.
People should spend more time minding their own business and let people live
adding, how about people should be spending more time getting educated to dwell on the important things and not on the trivial things?
we like labels as labels help us categorize and control.
I think the problem lies with people putting too much importance on being labelled…as words, labels only have the importance the beholden rest upon them.
There’s nothing wrong with having preferences–even racial ones. I’m Black, and I don’t want to “shame” anyone into sleeping with me. The problem is when you treat others disparagingly BECAUSE of your preferences–which an overwhelming amount of gay men do.
Half of these “debates” wouldn’t exist if men knew how to properly give and take rejection.
The problem, is that a multitude of men have very fragile egos. Guys can’t accept the rejection of not being desired by another male.
I’d much rather be told no thanks, than strung along with bullshit.
Well said.
People get upset by it because it’s historically (though not exclusively) associated with shaming guys that aren’t as masculine as well as fetishizing ones that are. That said, I think anyone should be able to openly state their preferences on a dating app of all places. I’m fat, and never once have I held it against anyone if they fail to express interest because of it. De gustibus non est disputandum.
res vera caput tollit?
Certus vero.
Es Verdad
When did we drift from Latin to Spanish?
I don’t know Latin, but I heard Plato was a good guy….
it was the way the wind was blowing so I went with the flow!
additionally, Spanish is a Language based on The Romance Languages…all derived from Latin… .
Your erudition is fascinating. Please, tell us more.
Personally, I don’t see where masc4masc is a problem. It’s a choice, just like every other criteria we use, when choosing a bed buddy.
The main issue is that penitration is exerted with masc4masc people and various STDs are more susceptible to occur vs fem4fem people. Lesbians can wear strap-ons to simulate their masculine position in the relationship, yet, STDs are no where a possibility between them. If this possibility was mutual, then, this would be a moot point of inquiry.
apparently you’re serious
Imagine thinking lesbians can’t contract STDs. How has a person like this even survived into adulthood? Jesus fucking Christ.
Okay, I’ve got to ask:
WHERE is ANY information for your claim?
I would take that health stance if you were talking about guys with high sexual activity #’s.
It’s your PREFERENCE…just like body type, age, height, etc..
I’ve received an E-Mail out of the blue from a guy on here mad at me that he was not what kind of man I was looking for. Never heard of the guy & he decided to send this.
So, I agree with some of the comments in the article: WHO is making the claim that “fem” is a negative thing – fem guys or others?
This is a non-issue to me…. I live and let live….
Some things in life, you just have to let it off your back-like rain off of a duck’s back.
That is to say, 3/5’s of my “white” friends have/would never, have sex with a “black” person, period; is the same as myself, having had feminine gay men BBF; but couldn’t/wouldn’t ‘ever’ be sexually attracted to someone as such.
I’m just more attracted to men like me, who overwhelmingly, feel like men, primarily; not “acting” but just is.
I make no excuses and no apologies. Yeah, I am one of those men that is masc4masc. I don’t give a crap if others don’t like it. It isn’t about you. It is my preference, so maybe not yours. And I certainly don’t look down upon or not value the effeminate dudes in our community. I don’t shame them. I would defend their lives with mine and I have. I just prefer to fuck masc men. We all have our preferences and that is a great thing! The beauty of our community is that it is so incredibly diverse so… Read more »
poor thing, wasting her life looking for hate where there is none