(Photo Credits: fizkes from Shutterstock)
Picture this: you’ve been chatting with a guy on A4A for a week, maybe even for a month or so. The chemistry is there—texting late at night, sharing jokes, even talking on the phone. Finally, you both decide to meet. The date is set, the venue chosen, and even the after-dinner plans mapped out. Excitement builds as the big day arrives. You dress to impress, get there early, and sit at the café, heart racing in anticipation.
Then you wait. And wait. Ten minutes turns into thirty. An hour passes. You double-check the place, the time, and even your phone for any last-minute messages. Nothing. When you finally call, his number can’t be reached. Maybe he mixed up the date? Maybe there’s bad traffic today? Maybe—God forbid—something happened to him. But as the minutes tick by, it becomes clear: he isn’t coming. No text, no call, no explanation. Just silence.
Has this ever happened to you? Or—be honest—have you ever been the one who canceled? Why do so many gay men flake out on dates?
Some possibilities are obvious. Maybe he wasn’t as interested as he seemed during your late-night chats. Perhaps he got cold feet, still figuring out his sexuality, or is feeling anxious about meeting in person. It could be something as simple as nerves, a last-minute change of heart, or even a better offer from someone else. Others admit that fear of rejection can keep them from showing up at all. After all, canceling is easier than risking an awkward encounter.
And what about those who cancel repeatedly? Is it about control—keeping options open and never committing? Or is it more complicated, like struggling with self-esteem or past dating trauma?
If you’re someone who flakes, what usually runs through your mind before pulling the plug? And if you’ve been on the receiving end, how did it make you feel? Did you start doubting yourself, or did you shrug it off as “just another dating story”?
For some, the first time it happens can sting but feels manageable. But after it happens again and again, it can chip away at your confidence and make dating feel like a game you can’t win. Still, many eventually learn to move on, trusting that the right person will show up—literally and figuratively.
Having said all that, Adam4Adam blog readers, are you one of those who cancel at the last minute? Why? Or have you been ghosted on a date that was supposed to be special? Share your thoughts, experiences, and theories in the comments section down below.
I been ghosted before so if I do decide to meet someone new I keep the meet up arrangements very simple. My thought process is they aren’t going to show up any way. I don’t get to down when they don’t. I don’t put on my best outfit or do anything special. I just make sure my personal hygiene is on point. So, I don’t get too excited beforehand because I already have cool FWB. Sometimes things come up and they just can’t make it.
They’re too NERVOUS or self conscious to meet for real and in person 🙁 But I have some great FBs and FWBs that are TOTALLY real and we are always COMFORTABLE and relaxed and have GREAT TIMES when we get together 🙂
Too many guys spend so much time jacking off online that: when the prospect of meeting in person comes up they are not socially equipped to meet. They’ll promise be meet but when the time comes they can’t fathom having to put on clothes, clean up, and then actually speak coherently face to face; they just like to jack off while chatting to guys trading cock and ass pictures (regardless of what the other guy is expecting); or they actually get off on leading guys on and then dumping them. they were horny and/or wasted when they committed so you… Read more »
Looks like we all have FWB or FBs LOL. and we’ve all been ghosted…..another reason is they out and out lied….they are not 6’2 maybe 5’2, not 170 lbs maybe 370 lbs, not 45 maybe 75 and of course there are the ones who use someone elses pic. Non of these scenarios ever really show up……the ones that totally boggle my mind are the ones that tell all those lies and still show up LOL Have you had that happen before. I am happy to say, i have the integrity to keep my appointments, show up on time and go… Read more »
FWBs are wonderful guys. It’s gotten ridiculous over the past few years that so many guys are not socially-equipped to maintain in-person, social relationships.
sometimes, procrastination tempers “Gut-Feeling” until the very last minute? Most times, a “Gut-Feeling” is right but sometimes ego disavows it?
this blog is really about a very common human behavior. we all procrastinate, more or less, so waiting until the last minute is not indigenous to gay males but to all humans.
Procrastination means delaying something. Ghosting means pretending like the other person no longer exists. They’re not synonyms.
Procrastination carried to the Nth degree can lead to Ghosting so what I wrote is applicable if somewhat peripheral?
No. The word “procrastinate” means that you eventually do what you’re supposed to do, you just delay it. If you ghost someone, you don’t delay contacting them – you abruptly stop contacting them. This should be pretty easy to understand.
you can procrastinate indefinitely in absolute terms. I am aware of the literal definition of procrastination. This is a blog and what I originally wrote is just fine with its intended broad meaning.
“Procrastinating in absolute terms” doesn’t change the definition of the word “procrastinate” in the same way that “being glad in absolute terms” isn’t synonymous with the word “elated.” They’re two different words that mean two different things. I’m sorry that you don’t know how language works, but take a moment to reflect (that means “think about something carefully”), use the number of thumbs up your posts have received in this thread versus mine, and re-consider your diction the next time you say something so you can avoid posting ambiguous nonsense.
What’s with the question marks all the time? Everything one writes is not a question.
His writing has many idiosyncrasies. The use of question marks after declarative sentences, believe it or not, isn’t even the most bizarre among them.
Fear. Performance anxiety. Guilt. Anonymity.
This is counterbalanced by real people that like real fun. I get three flakes for every real one.
Yes, I’ve been stood up a number of times. Only one time has a guy not completely vanished on me so when I hit him up afterwards and asked WTF? he said he did get cold feet. Then you get some who you get to, like, first and goal at the 1 yard line (in a lengthy online chat), then they suddenly vanish. More often than not, they just jerked off, then asked themselves “what am I doing?!” and vanish. I’ve never stood anyone up.
I haven’t stood anyone up either and I think there are many that do just as you said. They probably are also not what they purported to be. Good riddance. I have to say that I have had fairly good luck.
Yes, I’ve had my share of good luck too but a whole lot of bad luck where guys seem so ideal and we seem so completely aligned, but then…poof, they’re gone.
I have had the same thing happen to me but Geez it only takes a few minutes to write and say i am not going to make it or something came up so you’re not left just waiting
I say the same thing every time that’s happened. Very frustrating. Actually one time I was about to hook up with someone who gave me his address and I drove to near the address he gave me but then found there was no such number or actual street there. After driving around searching, I gave up, went home. Next day i texted him. No response. Texted again and again and finally he responded: he told me that knowing I was married, he deliberately jerked me around and was appalled at me. Nice way to express it!
They’re married or deep in the closet and guilt gets the best of them. They’ve done it before too and will probably do it to someone again. On a rare occasion they will apologize with a good story and plan another meet. I usually will give them another chance. Then you have the ones who block you or delete their profile. Those are the giult ridden ones
I can assure you it has nothing to do with being married or closeted for most guys. I’d imagine that most of the guys on this dinosaur of a website ARE married or closeted – which would explain the preponderance of guys who refuse to show their face.
You are correct. There are quite a few of the people on this dinosaur that are married and closeted including myself but I don’t make plans for a hookup and not show. Not wanting to show a face is simple self-preservation against blackmailers.
This has happened to me too. I make sure he knows I’m married and looking for a FWB situation. There’s only one time that I didn’t show and I sent him an email to let them know that I had an emergency come up and he didn’t want to meet anymore. I agree that blackmailers can be an issue which I why I don’t post my face. There’s also the kind of guy that meeting means I’m going to drop my pants and give it up to him without even seeing him first. It’s been like “Hi, nice to meet… Read more »
Smart guys keep their faces private until they get to know a guy well. Pictures are easily copied and can be used as step toward fraud or identity theft. Some guys choose to keep their sexuality private. They’re not DL or closeted. Instead of broadcasting it, they reveal their sexuality only to those who they feel need to know about it.
You’re probably correct with at least some BiMM closeted guys (of which I’m one), but never with me. If I go to great lengths to set something up, I always show up.
Why? Because they’re spineless assholes- plain and simple. IF you make a date and don’t show up- you’re a spineless asshole (with exceptions for REAL emergencies). If you are on-line and lead someone on just to set a meeting time & place then don’t show up- you’re an asshole. IF you can’t keep your word (by not showing up) then you’re a spineless asshole. IF you get in a bind and suddenly can’t reach for that cell phone that everyone has and CALL (yes I said CALL) to beg off then you’re a spineless asshole. IF you make a date… Read more »
Your foul language aside, I’d say you’re largely correct except for one thing: On a number of occasions, I’ve encountered guys who no-showed, only to tell me (later or another day) some pretty believable stories as to why they couldn’t make it.
Cold feet?
The “poor little gay guy” just couldn’t find the balls to show up?
No.
I am going to share with you some advice that a friend gave me nearly 20 years ago and to this day, I still stand by it. The advice: Just leave We live in a world where all someone has to do is pick up the phone or send a text letting you know if they are going to be late. If they don’t respect your time then they will not or don’t respect you. If I make a date with a dude that I am meeting for the first time and he is not there by the agreed time… Read more »
The real frustration is trying to get a commitment. When do you wanna do this? Anytime. Ok I’m off on Friday. What time is good? Anytime. 7pm? Sure that might work. Would 9pm be better? I have to be at work at 10pm. Ok. How about Saturday.? That should be good. Cool. Do you work Saturday? Not usually. What about this Saturday? I’d have to check the schedule. When can you do that. Friday at work. Can you call and ask some one? Yeah, butvlastvtimexi did that they got pissy and told me i should wrote it down when the… Read more »
I call this “The Tomorrow Never Comes” game.
It has happened; be I get over it-thinking this maybe for the best.
That’s one reason chatting for more than a few minutes is a waste of time–you learn nothing useful about a person that way. I try to set up a face-to-face in public and if they don’t want to do that (and most don’t), then I move on.
I have been ghosted a few times by guys who were initially quite eager to meet, but then objected to meeting in public. It’s 2025; it’s unwise to invite strangers to your home without checking them out first in public. Or it’s the guy who wants something extreme, and he isn’t willing to get to know the guy he wants to do it with. Sometimes, it’s because he wants something unsafe, and he knows the guy he’s supposed to meet isn’t stupid enough to play that way. Or, he lied about his disease status, and/or doesn’t want to use condoms.… Read more »
If you’re looking for something with guys a bit older in a time more older, try “The History of Sound”.
The book by Ben Shattuck has been turned into a movie. I’ve got the book on hold, 3rd in line they say at my local library system and not yet available with the second library system in the area where the Librarian said “looking at the demand, we better get this in stock”.
The movie is coming to theaters soon. Not yet on Prime or Netflix.
Bad aim, as happens to posters sometimes here. It should have been on the “Boots” discussion.
I assume they were using the chat to jerk off, and they always disappear after finishing. Technology just adds to the ease of being rude. Is this why I have no gay friends?
The question posed here seems to imply that straight people never flake out or get “cold feet”. Yes, there are gays who do that, but so does the rest of society. We just happen to be men who like men. Stop trying to make us gays feel even more marginalized than we already are.
In reading all the comments posted, it becomes quite clear the the majority of posters, myself included, have been flaked and/or ghosted. I haven’t seen one response yet, from a person who’s flaked someone. Here’s a thought for A4A, Allow members to post a flake warning to other’s profiles, warning the general population that this individual doesn’t show. Members can then decide for themselves if they wish to pursue a relationship with this individual. It would definitely give me guidance on what I’d want to do.
A good idea, Tim13, as long as the member who was hit with the flake warning is able to make a response in cases where the warning may not have been fair. Another way to get at credibility would be for A4A to indicate how long a member has been around. Now it’s nothing more than joined more than a “day” or “week” or “month” ago.” Indicating “six months” or “a year” or more would help. I don’t contact guys who are anything less than a month. Have experienced too many flakes over the years. Lastly, blog posts should be… Read more »
I agree on that one plus how hard is it to say i am no longer intrested or sorry i changed my mind
Better might be “Thanks for chatting, It doesn’t appear we’re looking for the same things. Good luck in your searching.” No fault either way. If he whines otherwise, just ignore him and block if necessary. You’ve given him a sane answer.
That works too just say something instead of just ghosting that is crazy and so wrong
guilty my last “ hook up” wouldnt share his number. So on the way over were texting through Adam. Along the way i got really mad and started thinking about this person not caring about me. I thought “he’ll fuck me, but he won’t tell me his real name or his number” then I told myself I should just go over his house and knock his ass out. I turned onto his block, and I was a three houses away, and my mouth tasted like I had a copper penny in it. but then I thought about my son. And… Read more »
I am writing about an incident that happened on Thursday, October 2, at about 1 p.m. I received messages and pictures from MakeMeCumDC. During the chat he said that his name was Jamie and gave me his telephone number. We arranged to meet. I texted him at 6 p.m. to confirm the meeting. I texted again at 6:30 p.m. to confirm and he sent his address. I drove 40 minutes and sent him a message that read “I just parked”. I sat outside his apartment, 750 Kenilworth Terrace, N.E., Washington, DC. and waited for a reply. Then I called the Google… Read more »
I believe many guys flake at the last minute because of insecurities about their looks, ability to perform, shyness, fear of rejection, etc. Online it is easy to create a persona behind a keyboard. Face to face it can be very scary. Most of us are chasing internal insecurities each day. However, being on the receiving end of a ‘no show’ can be hurtful and cause for cynicism, naturally.