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Every so often, a message from one of our Adam4Adam blog readers hits us in a way that says, This needs to be talked about. Hunter0500 recently sent us a thoughtful request—and we think it opens the door to a long-overdue conversation about what it means to be gay when you don’t fit the expected mold. Here’s what he had to say:

Looking at the “DL” or “In the Closet” or “Straight” guys, there are many posters here who don’t fit the “gay mold” (stereotype). Most people see them as just another guy without considering their sexuality because it just isn’t evident. Many hardcore, committed gay guys don’t embrace these guys; they actually vocally disdain them because “They’re not truly gay.”

Reading posts here, these “not truly gay” guys are plentiful on the blog. So …

  • “What is it like to not be “OUT LOUD AND PROUD!”? Gay, but it’s not generally known by those who know you.
  • How did that unfold? Why didn’t you just “COME OUT!!”
  • How do you navigate your gay life when you’re not feminine, flamboyant, or having everyone know you are gay?
  • If you married (and still are or are divorced/widowered) and have parents, siblings, or children who know, how did that unfold? How’s it progressing?
  • If you are married (and she may know but supports you or doesn’t care to know more or even doesn’t know), how do you schedule times with your “buds”?

These points have a personal meaning for me. Others on the blog as well from reading. It’d be great to hear how they (or related ones) resonate for similar guys on the blog.

Hunter0500 brings up something that’s rarely discussed with compassion: the stigma that DL (down low) or closeted men often face—not just from society, but from within the LGBTQ+ community itself.

There’s also this unfair idea that if you’re not “out and proud,” you’re somehow not really gay, or not gay enough. But sexuality isn’t a performance. Being gay doesn’t require you to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, or broadcast your love life to the world. For many guys—especially those with families, religious backgrounds, conservative workplaces, or personal trauma—living openly just isn’t an option. And that’s valid.

Of course, there are challenges. Navigating hookups, keeping secrets, dealing with guilt, or maintaining a dual identity can weigh heavy. And yet, many DL guys find ways to build friendships, enjoy sex, and express intimacy on their own terms. And we want to hear those stories.

Are you someone who doesn’t fit the mold? Have you stayed “in the closet” for personal or practical reasons? Have you felt judged, either by straight society or the gay community itself?

Let’s talk about that. Drop your comments below and tell us:

  • What does “coming out” mean to you?
  • Do you feel pressure to be visibly gay?
  • How do you build intimacy or find partners while staying discreet?
  • If you’ve been married to a woman, how has that impacted your journey?
  • What would make you feel safer or more supported in sharing your truth?

To all our DL readers: This space is yours, too. There’s no wrong way to be gay—and no timeline to follow. We see you. We respect your journey. And we want to hear your story.

Moreover, what topics would you like us to cover next on the Adam4Adam Blog? What about your own life—do you see yourself in the stories we feature, or do you have a completely different experience? Maybe you have a question you’ve always wanted to ask fellow readers but didn’t know how. Drop your thoughts, ideas, or questions in the comments—we’re all ears, and this community is yours as much as it is ours.

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