(Photo Credits: stockfour from Shutterstock)
Every so often, a message from one of our Adam4Adam blog readers hits us in a way that says, This needs to be talked about. Hunter0500 recently sent us a thoughtful request—and we think it opens the door to a long-overdue conversation about what it means to be gay when you don’t fit the expected mold. Here’s what he had to say:
Looking at the “DL” or “In the Closet” or “Straight” guys, there are many posters here who don’t fit the “gay mold” (stereotype). Most people see them as just another guy without considering their sexuality because it just isn’t evident. Many hardcore, committed gay guys don’t embrace these guys; they actually vocally disdain them because “They’re not truly gay.”
Reading posts here, these “not truly gay” guys are plentiful on the blog. So …
- “What is it like to not be “OUT LOUD AND PROUD!”? Gay, but it’s not generally known by those who know you.
- How did that unfold? Why didn’t you just “COME OUT!!”
- How do you navigate your gay life when you’re not feminine, flamboyant, or having everyone know you are gay?
- If you married (and still are or are divorced/widowered) and have parents, siblings, or children who know, how did that unfold? How’s it progressing?
- If you are married (and she may know but supports you or doesn’t care to know more or even doesn’t know), how do you schedule times with your “buds”?
These points have a personal meaning for me. Others on the blog as well from reading. It’d be great to hear how they (or related ones) resonate for similar guys on the blog.
Hunter0500 brings up something that’s rarely discussed with compassion: the stigma that DL (down low) or closeted men often face—not just from society, but from within the LGBTQ+ community itself.
There’s also this unfair idea that if you’re not “out and proud,” you’re somehow not really gay, or not gay enough. But sexuality isn’t a performance. Being gay doesn’t require you to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, or broadcast your love life to the world. For many guys—especially those with families, religious backgrounds, conservative workplaces, or personal trauma—living openly just isn’t an option. And that’s valid.
Of course, there are challenges. Navigating hookups, keeping secrets, dealing with guilt, or maintaining a dual identity can weigh heavy. And yet, many DL guys find ways to build friendships, enjoy sex, and express intimacy on their own terms. And we want to hear those stories.
Are you someone who doesn’t fit the mold? Have you stayed “in the closet” for personal or practical reasons? Have you felt judged, either by straight society or the gay community itself?
Let’s talk about that. Drop your comments below and tell us:
- What does “coming out” mean to you?
- Do you feel pressure to be visibly gay?
- How do you build intimacy or find partners while staying discreet?
- If you’ve been married to a woman, how has that impacted your journey?
- What would make you feel safer or more supported in sharing your truth?
To all our DL readers: This space is yours, too. There’s no wrong way to be gay—and no timeline to follow. We see you. We respect your journey. And we want to hear your story.
Moreover, what topics would you like us to cover next on the Adam4Adam Blog? What about your own life—do you see yourself in the stories we feature, or do you have a completely different experience? Maybe you have a question you’ve always wanted to ask fellow readers but didn’t know how. Drop your thoughts, ideas, or questions in the comments—we’re all ears, and this community is yours as much as it is ours.
“Different Strokes For Different Folks” or “Variations Upon The Same Theme”.
Yes!
It’s alot of keeping things private, secrets. Trying to separate that life and your other life. It can be exhausting mentally.
You’re absolutely right!!! Been doing it for years. It’s optional on my part and everyone else to remain on the down low if they chose to. Noone else business. I mentioned on here recently in response to a similar post, that if outed I will be just fine.
A “closet” is a poor metaphor for a cage. The misappropriation of Gay nomenclature in this area has not served Gay interests well. What we all “The Closet” is more properly the developmental carnage inflicted by the monstrously destructive, and all too often, lethal form of child abuse inflicted on gay children by a hateful, violent, ridicule laden culture. Children are forced to pick a point on a spectrum of suicide that ranges from the figurative to the literal in attempts to survive in that world. All too often… it kills in more ways than one. Gay individuals don’t “come… Read more »
Projecting much?
An Arson Attack on a Gay Bar Killed 32 | by Zopoid | Medium
Stay in your basement then. Or hit Grindr like everyone else, Chicken Little-dick
You’ve received a lot of negative responses to your thoughts for whatever reason. However, my response is, “You have a logical and valid point, and I agree with you!”
Obviously, you don’t have to be playing on the down low or in the closet to be quietly gay. To me, being quietly gay is making being gay not be the center of my personality. In my view, if people know I’m gay before they even know my name, then I’m probably being a bit too performative and have made being gay the center of who I am, instead of just a facet of who I am.
yo, the bros uses the DL routine & the white bread uses the Closet routine
BINGO!!!!
RIGHT ON THE HEAD…
yo, sometimes ya win sometimes ya lose
Yes! Exactly right!
Zebra winks***
Usually they are low drama. What goes on in someone’s bed shouldn’t need a billboard.
There are lots of gay/bi men who prefer to keep their sexual orientation to themselves especially if they don’t know others that well….like to each men of their own but glorifying your sexual bedroom business to RANDOS is a pretty much waste of energy….alot of DISCREET SGL MEN like me like our lives private and can careless about others perception…
Discretion is very different than being hypocrite if you are a fag deal with it stop the closet, i am out since i was 17 yo long time ago and feel proud to be a fag amd loving dick and real man that love to be out Was on a 33 year relation with my late man and discreet and horse shit never was part of our lives. But if you all pathetic closeted fags want to live in a closet suit yourselves
Jocko: I’ve never once pretended to be hetero. But I’m not flamboyant. I wear Jeans and Tshirts. But because I’m a painter and sculptor they all seem to have stains of some kind on them. Eve Ensler in the vagina monologues said that women should “ Take back Cunt” from the hierarchical patriarchy. I understood what she was saying by taking back cunt they would take away its power as a pejorative et cetera. And I started saying back then (early 2000’s? Late 90’s??) that gay men should “take back faggot”. I realize now that I was wrong and adopting… Read more »
TLDR! (Too long, didn’t read)
Bitchy queens like you must be fun at parties. Like the kid that didn’t get picked for basketball, shrill harpies like you can’t get sex at an orgy with a c note half out yo ace.
In the xxi century is sad an pathetic but this fucking country is sad an pathtic
Vladimir Putin would like to hear from you! he has a nice dacha waiting for you!
so if a man wants to keep his business to himself, you want to judge him. Phuc Yew.
Alot of individuals dont know i am bisexual.Not all like to air their Business,especially their sexuality and its fine with me.The sissy acting guys are the real issue,they can be a pure ass!To be truthful,I love them DL men,especially married still in the closest ones!I F. And S. a many of them in my younger years.
Charles, they know. They talk about it when you’re not around. Stop selling your friends off as so stupid. The the funniest thing about DL/closeted men. It’s usually the worst kept secret.
For some of us older guys, if you wanted to have a career in the military or first responders it was a necessity. Today that is no longer an issue. Society is a little more accepting today.
Thanks to A4A for this topic. My sexuality lit up in the 1970s, attracted to men but not Gays seen in media. Flamboyant Feminine obnoxious. “Coming out” was ugly. Abandon your life for a Gay “lifestyle choice”, rejected by your friends, family and career goals. “Lifestyle choice” is offensive to “The Community”, as it should be. When does anyone have a “choice”? I’m offended by “on the down low (DL)” or “in the closet.” What’s positive about “down” or being in a closet? I commend A4A for “Quietly Gay”. Short. Descriptive. A sensible balance for “LOUD AND PROUD!” Went to… Read more »
The biggest motivation for me to be in the closet is that I want to have regular guy relationships without them wondering if I’m trying to get into their pants.
So I live in a world where I’m out to close family and close friends… but not to strangers. I don’t see nothing wrong with that. I don’t pretend I’m str8, make up fake girlfriends like I used to when I was a teen… but I still enjoy my privacy. I try to live my life as any straight person does. I work, I date when I feel like… I don’t see the need to let IG, Facebook, X or any strangers that are str8 my private life. Even in 2025 you still have to be careful.
I’ve been married to a woman for many years. Although I’ve known that I was gay from a very early age, I fell in love with her, had children and have grown old with her. I havent stopped loving her, but that hasn’t stopped me from desiring men and acting on that when I can. I’ve never been interested in other women, or fallen in love with a man. Maybe I’m an anomaly, but that’s my story.
yo, Zebras hang’ out of the sidelines…
This blog was very nicely written. Too bad there are a lot of nasty comments here. The blog basically IS me. Married to my wife for years and neither she nor anyone in my “daily life” know that I’ve been having amazing sex with guys since I was 18 (now 65). I could easily write a book about all I do to ensure I can…1.) continue my happily married with kids, grandkids, etc. life without hurting anyone; and 2.) have gratifying sex with appealing guys safely and on a fairly regular basis. Somewhere along the way, post puberty, I developed… Read more »
I myself is a bi/gay guy that is married to a woman, I still love my wife and I still enjoy sex with her, we’ve raised our kids and we enjoyed our grandkids, I try to be very careful in keeping this part of my life private, I take care of my family like a man should, do all the things a husband and a father should, it’s just sometimes I like to feel the touch and the penis of anutha man,, that my me time, And I feel like if I want to keep my business to myself, that’s… Read more »
All with you there. Only difference is, I don’t make love with my wife anymore – just stopped happening awhile ago but I don’t miss it. Between my right hand and the guys I keep nailing, I’m a happy camper – and so is my wife and family albeit for separate reasons!
I agree and in the same position as you
What about asking a DL bro what it’s like being DL, identifying as a straight man who is MSM, who date and love openly gay men? I have heard their perspectives before, but a recap would be nice.
What’s the difference between a down low guy that don’t mess with women and a closeted guy that don’t mess with women? Is the difference down low guys mess with women? I’m sure some closeted guys mess with women too. Why are mostly blacks considered down low guys and why?
To answer the direct question: I’ve never been in love with a DL or closeted guy – won’t happen and not interested. The sex with DL men is great – no intanglements, no meeting for dinner; just spend a few hours fucking and we’re both good. My quasi-boyfriend (we’re really fuck buddies) is a gay man and in the closet, and we’ve been fucking for about 8 yrs, now, and I see him 3 or 4 times a year. A few months ago, surprisingly, he asked if I was interested in “going out,” as in “…dinner or something?” I was… Read more »
And that is my whole point; fuck ’em, bttm or top, literally, do’a “NSA” kind of thing, but just have good ole’ common sense, not to “chase waterfalls” it’s only about the moment, “be like water,” safely of course.
Where can i find more like you wish there were more like you that thought the same way
. . . It means, I refuse to let the happen to me, personally. I said it before, never, even let your heart go to someone who lies/in denial, to their selves, it’s baggage.
I spoke on this topic a week ago, When ask what was it you don’t understand about gays , I ask why do some openly gay guys dislike DL Bi/gay guys ? It is so much hate for DL/bi guy in these blogs you can feel the tension coming out of my computer,, My question is again, WHY,WHY,WHY ???? Some gay guys prefer DL/Bi guys , for some reason they don’t like openly gay guys, hmmm ? And some guys prefer openly gay guys, So it’s enough men to go around, Why the hate ? Because some choose to not… Read more »
very difficult to keep up trying to live two different lives, hopefully one day tho, when the people around me are able to use their heads and understand it’s actually OK to be a gay in this world and they find it acceptable .. but, they’re stupid and you can’t fix stupid .. stupid needs to learn on its own, and learning will lead to smart and wiser
That’s a hard NO. While I would play with DL dudes, I’d never put myself through the nonsense associated with being in a relationship with a self-loathing man. The stress, denial, uncertainty, and duplicity associated with a closeted personality would concern and deter me. I see nothing beneficial in these negative qualities and attributes. The worst is that if successful in the deceit, that individual is an accomplished liar…. Liars lie just as thieves steal; your turn will come…. While I understand the constraints under which some must live – I don’t have to subject myself to them.