(Photo Credits: Roman Samborskyi from Shutterstock)
Ah, the age-old heartache—falling for someone who is not into your gender. It’s a topic that hits close to home for many gay men and always seems to stir strong opinions. Recently, someone asked a question online that got the gay men on Reddit talking:
“Why do gay people fall for straight guys all the time? Genuinely curious… I always hear that’s a frustrating thing—if not the most—but why? Are there not enough gay people?”
The question sparked a strong reaction—both frustration and reflection—from gay men who’ve either been through it or observed it play out again and again. While the experience is not universal, many shared their candid thoughts about why this phenomenon seems so common.
One man clarified that sometimes it’s not intentional. “I might fall for a straight guy before I know he’s straight. That’s because I’m more into ‘masculine’ guys, and straight guys tend to be that. But as soon as I know they’re straight, I won’t pursue them anymore, there’s just no point.” There’s a very real moment where attraction happens before orientation is even known. Once the truth is revealed, some guys back off—others don’t.
Another perspective touches on something unavoidable: numbers. “Constant exposure. Most people are not gay, so most of the time, straight guys are the closest for the gays to be attracted to.” Simply put, gay men are vastly outnumbered. In everyday life—at work, the gym, even within friend circles—gay men are more likely to encounter straight men than other gay men, making crushes statistically more likely to form.
In addition, others pointed out the numbers game from a more emotional angle. “The ‘heart’ wants what it wants. There are ten times more straight men than gay men so there’s ten times more likelihood you might develop feelings or an attraction to a straight man. Of course for a small percentage of guys, it’s their particular fetish.” There’s some truth in desire being blind—and sometimes stubborn.
But not everyone agreed with the idea that this is a “gay thing” like this guy who responded, “I hate this type of generalizing questions. It has nothing to do with their sexuality. Gay people fall in love with guys in general, which is the most normal thing in the world. You don’t know if a stranger is straight or gay anyways.” It’s a fair point: romantic attraction doesn’t come with a pop-up alert about the person’s orientation.
Still, some say it’s about chasing the unattainable. “It’s human nature to want what we cannot have.” And that drive toward the forbidden or inaccessible isn’t unique to gay men—it’s a human trait.
Meanwhile, there’s also the issue of perceived masculinity and desirability. “I think it’s just a kink or maybe just the desire for a masc guy. I’m straight acting. Sometimes I change my name to ‘Straight and curious’ and my messages will start blowing up.”
In online spaces, this illusion can be an irresistible magnet.
Lastly, one gay man relayed a psychological insight from a friend, “I have a psychologist friend who explained to me once: some heterosexual men (maybe unconsciously) ENCOURAGE their ‘gay best friend’ to fall in love with them… even though the straight man has zero romantic or sexual interest, they benefit from loyalty, emotional support, favors.” Further, he explained, “As the gay guy will run to do whatever he asks in the hope for scraps of affection. And in the gay part, there is the fantasy of getting laid with a straight man, a ‘reproductive breeding macho.'” This dynamic may not be uncommon—and it’s emotionally risky for the gay person caught in it.
So, what’s really going on? Is it about proximity, psychology, preference, or pain? We want to hear from you, Adam4Adam blog readers: Have you ever fallen for a straight guy? What happened? Do you think this is a gay stereotype, or is it rooted in real, lived experience? Is the chase for straight men emotional self-sabotage, or just another phase of gay dating? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section below!
I think its as simple as why would anyone fall for anyone. I remember when I was in high school and college, I use to fall from certain guys I was attracted to. Same thing happened at the work place, gym, church, etc. It didn’t matter whether they were straight or gay.
This was my first thought. ✔️
No self-control? Just don’t it.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
Because they feel like they are more female,when they date straight acting men,the same for women!The one that act like men,wants women that act like real females,just my 2%
Your explanation is such trash, it shouldn’t even count for 0.02%, let alone 2%.
It’s hard to meet guys at bars anymore because it seems only the older guys go out. Guys: clean up your act. Take the scrap metal out of your face, don’t get tats, and shave the damn beard. They always look dirty and bad. On the apps, quit ghosting. If you get a message, at least say “no thanks”. Of the 5 guys I really like a lot, only 1 is Gay. It starts with face and goes from there. Look and act like a man.
Nothing wrong with a handsome delicious older gentleman!
You are absolutely right, Ezinalo! Skip the extra tattoos and the body jewelry, clean yourself up and give it a try.
I don’t “fall for” straight guys, but that is the type of man I am most attracted to. I prefer a masculine guy who doesn’t have any sign of the stereotypical gay affectations. The gay voice, gay walk, gay mannerisms are just all total turn offs for me. I’m not anti-gay, just anti-fem.
Spare me the comments and blah blah blah about “internalized homophobia” though. I just like what I like, and don’t like what I don’t like. Simple!
Agreed. I, too, am attracted to men who present as traditional male. And if I meet one who presents as Straight, I leave it at that. No prodding. No probing. Just routine talk. If he’s attracted to men (and me), he’ll give a clue.
Totally agree. And we all know that the “straight” guy is not going to marry us or have a serious relationship with us, and that’s ok. It’s just friendship, with maybe a hope of a FWB situation. In my experience, about 90% of “straight” guys will play with another guy if given the opportunity.
I disagree with the premise. Gay men don’t fall for straight guy “all the time.” I think most gay men have no interest in falling in love with anybody – straight or gay – with whom no potential exists for a relationship. It’s just a “straight guy” myth that they’re irresistible to gay men. Same kind of guy who walks into a bar and thinks every woman in there is interested in him. They’re not. The thing I’ve found is most straight guys who are convinced that gay men are always hitting on them have zero appeal to gay men.… Read more »
For sure, not all Gay guys “fall” for Straight guys. Some do, but fortunately not the majority. Gay guys may take notice of good-looking guys. And may enjoy any continued contact they have. Some will “fall” because they leaped before they looked. The notion that “before I knew he was Straight” means what? They were in contact with him repeatedly and there wasn’t a single clue that he was or was not Gay? No mention of a woman or man in his life? And they allowed themself to “fall”? Whose fault is that? Some Gay guys (fortunately not all but they… Read more »
I can genuinely say that I’ve never fallen for a straight guy. Sure I think some straight actors or musicians are hot, but that’s not the same thing. I think it’s the perceived masculinity that straight men have that is the big draw for certain gay men. The DL Whisperer on TikTok comes to mind. There is definitely some internalized homophobia at play when a gay man *only* pursues those outside of the community (I don’t mean the club scene). Those unkempt, unwashed “straight” guys are not my type at all.
I think they often have more testosterone, as well as strength of more than one kind.
They are able to show how valued they are by women, and have been trained by them to be good lovers. And when they do go for a guy, they really go for it.
Cause they like men! Kind of a dumb question
I was a straight at 19 years old until I met a gay older man. Thank him for bringing reality of me being gay I have been with guys since an never went to the straight life
This isn’t really a hard question to answer. People are drawn to what they can’t have. Knowing they’ll never attain it somehow makes it more attractive. Also, many gay men fetishize heteronormativity.
Define “fall for a str8 guy”.
I may think 1 is attractive, but does that mean I fell for him?
Low self-esteem.
At the end of the day most guys don’t want to be topped by Sasha Fierce. They think the straight gonna be butch.
I’m a masculine, dominant, straight acting man, I prefer guys that are like myself, I’ve excepted who I am, I just don’t want to come out or be outed, I don’t want to be with someone and they get mad and go to my wife and family and spread my business, So I much rather be with a straight acting married DL guy like myself that do want to come out or be outed, I say straight acting because a straight guy will not fool around with a bi/gay guy, I can’t fall for a straight guy because he can’t… Read more »
There is no one explanation. It can be (1) because they are attracted to the guy independent of the guy’s sexuality; (2) because they crave what they will never get in an endless cycle of fetishization and disappointment; (3) self-hatred as if bedding a straight guy will make the sexuality that they dislike in themselves more acceptable to themselves; (4) the need to establish that gays are a lot more than 10% of the human population; or (5) they are just tired and bored by most gay men who are culturally conditioned to live out a dreadful gay cultural stereotype… Read more »
The explanation i am offering is based on observation.. Putting aside the idea that heterosexual men represent some sort of masculine ideal that gay men are naturally drawn to, i think in general, people always want the things they they believe they cannot have.. To an extent people are somewhat masochistic when it comes to relationships… I have noticed people have a natural tendency to take for granted those who show interest and treat us well… Yet can become drawn to individuals who ignore them or even take them for granted . I am not sure if this tendency is… Read more »
I don’t think there are any more gay men falling for “straight” men than “straight” married men hitting on gay men trying to get topped or wanting oral sex. The definition of a straight man is something that often defies logic. I believe we all have a type that we are most interested in. In my case I am attracted to clean masculine men with very little ink or piercings.
I’m in love with a straight guy and he loves me in his way. It’s all physical for him, but that’s fine with me. I live in a small town and 2-3 times a month he comes to see me when he’s in the city. I live about half hour 45min from his hotel, and he always stops up to see me when he’s in town. He says I take him places he’s never been before and leave him drained every time. He’s a nice, good looking, caring man and am glad to have him in my life, even if… Read more »
The answer is simple…you always want what you can’t have. It’s just human nature.
I cant say I fall for them, but am attracted to them.