Speak Out: What’s a Gay Culture Thing You’ve Tried to Understand—but Still Can’t?

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What’s one thing about gay culture that still confuses you—no matter how long you’ve been part of it? A question like that recently blew up online after a gay man simply asked: “One thing you’ll never understand about gay culture?” From unspoken rules about roles and bodies to the contradictions around relationships and community support, the responses were honest, emotional, and all too familiar.

One gay man for example, recalled a moment of pure naivety: “Once had a guy I was hooking up with ask if I ‘party,’ and my naive ass had no idea what he was talking about. Took me completely off guard when I found out what he was talking about.” The infamous “PNP” culture—short for “party and play,” a euphemism for using drugs during sex—is one of those things newcomers to gay spaces often stumble into unknowingly. It’s not everyone’s scene, but it’s certainly prevalent enough to cause confusion.

Further, others spoke out about unrealistic standards in the community: “There’s an attitude that people are only interested in 10s—even if they themselves are nowhere near a 10. Everyone else should change to meet their expectations, never the other way around.” This perception of superficiality continues to be a hot topic in discussions about body image, desirability, and the pressure to be “perfect.”

Relationships were another common issue, particularly around monogamy: “The need for monogamous long-term relationships but the inability to do the work that comes along with it.” For some, the dream of building a stable partnership clashes with hookup culture or emotional unavailability, leaving people frustrated with the disconnect between what’s wanted and what’s actually practiced.

Then came a particularly biting take on community dynamics: “How a community who needs one another can rip each other to shreds and be so catty. So over the shallowness of some of its members.” This points to a larger issue—why do people in marginalized communities like the LGBTQ community sometimes turn on each other instead of building each other up?

In addition, there are others who couldn’t understand the obsession with certain types of men: “The over-attraction to DL/Trade men. They’re very hostile and pretentious. I don’t see the appeal at all.” The allure of the emotionally unavailable or closeted man is strong in certain corners of the community—but for others, it’s baffling and even toxic.

The conversation also turned to body image: “Why does everyone have to always have a fit body just to fit in or be accepted?” Despite increasing body positivity movements, the pressure to have abs or a gym-perfect body remains strong—especially in online dating spaces.

Meanwhile, stereotypes around roles during sex were another area of confusion: “Being tall must mean you top. Being a twink must mean you’re a bottom.” These assumptions oversimplify and box guys in—creating frustration for anyone who doesn’t match the “expected” mold.

Lastly, age-based double standards were also called out: “How a mature top is revered as a daddy, but a mature bottom is seen as an eye-sore.” The idea that sexual worth decreases with age—unless you fit a specific role—feels unfair and outdated to many.

So, what about you, Adam4Adam blog readers? What’s the one thing you’ll never understand about gay culture? Have you ever felt left out, judged, or just plain confused by certain dynamics in our community? Share your thoughts and stories—especially the surprising, annoying, or unspoken truths you’ve noticed—in the comments section below!