(Photo Credits: LeonWang from Shutterstock)
What’s one thing about gay culture that still confuses you—no matter how long you’ve been part of it? A question like that recently blew up online after a gay man simply asked: “One thing you’ll never understand about gay culture?” From unspoken rules about roles and bodies to the contradictions around relationships and community support, the responses were honest, emotional, and all too familiar.
One gay man for example, recalled a moment of pure naivety: “Once had a guy I was hooking up with ask if I ‘party,’ and my naive ass had no idea what he was talking about. Took me completely off guard when I found out what he was talking about.” The infamous “PNP” culture—short for “party and play,” a euphemism for using drugs during sex—is one of those things newcomers to gay spaces often stumble into unknowingly. It’s not everyone’s scene, but it’s certainly prevalent enough to cause confusion.
Further, others spoke out about unrealistic standards in the community: “There’s an attitude that people are only interested in 10s—even if they themselves are nowhere near a 10. Everyone else should change to meet their expectations, never the other way around.” This perception of superficiality continues to be a hot topic in discussions about body image, desirability, and the pressure to be “perfect.”
Relationships were another common issue, particularly around monogamy: “The need for monogamous long-term relationships but the inability to do the work that comes along with it.” For some, the dream of building a stable partnership clashes with hookup culture or emotional unavailability, leaving people frustrated with the disconnect between what’s wanted and what’s actually practiced.
Then came a particularly biting take on community dynamics: “How a community who needs one another can rip each other to shreds and be so catty. So over the shallowness of some of its members.” This points to a larger issue—why do people in marginalized communities like the LGBTQ community sometimes turn on each other instead of building each other up?
In addition, there are others who couldn’t understand the obsession with certain types of men: “The over-attraction to DL/Trade men. They’re very hostile and pretentious. I don’t see the appeal at all.” The allure of the emotionally unavailable or closeted man is strong in certain corners of the community—but for others, it’s baffling and even toxic.
The conversation also turned to body image: “Why does everyone have to always have a fit body just to fit in or be accepted?” Despite increasing body positivity movements, the pressure to have abs or a gym-perfect body remains strong—especially in online dating spaces.
Meanwhile, stereotypes around roles during sex were another area of confusion: “Being tall must mean you top. Being a twink must mean you’re a bottom.” These assumptions oversimplify and box guys in—creating frustration for anyone who doesn’t match the “expected” mold.
Lastly, age-based double standards were also called out: “How a mature top is revered as a daddy, but a mature bottom is seen as an eye-sore.” The idea that sexual worth decreases with age—unless you fit a specific role—feels unfair and outdated to many.
So, what about you, Adam4Adam blog readers? What’s the one thing you’ll never understand about gay culture? Have you ever felt left out, judged, or just plain confused by certain dynamics in our community? Share your thoughts and stories—especially the surprising, annoying, or unspoken truths you’ve noticed—in the comments section below!
“the pressure to have abs or a gym-perfect body remains strong”
Is it too much ask that you not be fat? Apparently so if you’re over 25.
Ghosting on apps!
Never understood the ‘changeover effect’ for many guys that were once ‘straight’ and as soon as they claimed to be gay, the gay mannerisms set in. Its one thing to be fem all along but some have done a 180 from being masculine. Why?
I saw that in an acquaintance from college. In college, he didn’t have those mannerisms, but a few years later, he did in a very pronounced way. My only guess is that you pick those up from those you hang around with. Some people have them from a young age, though.
you brought a good point. some get caught up in the Media Hype about coming out and being proud a straight male’s first time is really no different than a gay male’s first time a first time is a first time
You nailed it man! What you said proves that it’s a learned behavior to be so flamboyant. You become what you’re hanging with. Yes some men have a natural fem side. But glad to hear some people are being honest about this. If a person is truly being their real self, that person would have had some feminine qualities before the big change.
It’s no “changeover effect”. It was always in these guys. At some point they want to live their life on their terms. It’s not easy dying at an old age with a bunch of regret.
yo, that we are any more an endangered species than any other minority species
NOTHING really – to EACH his OWN – I DEF have MY preferences and if I’m not someone’s type it SURE as HELL doesn’t BREAK my HEART or destroy my ego or SELF WORTH!!! WHAT you BELIEVE and feel about yourself IS SO much more IMPORTANT!!!! Try NOT to be YOUR OWN worst enemy!!!!
I can’t understand why do some not all but a lot of open and out gay guys seems to have a issue, or a problem with DL bottoms /married bottoms/ closet bottoms ? But don’t have a problem with DL tops/ married tops/ closet tops ? Seems like they always asking, (does your wife know) (what if you bring your wife a std) or (why don’t you just come out and be free, ) and a lot of them be looking to out you, why can’t we all just enjoy men and be happy for each other?
PRIDE. Can we just be happy with who we are without putting our private sexual prefernces, habits, choices, or practices on blast to everyone else.. who never even asked to know this about us. I’m mean, the straight dude next door has yet to fly a straight pride flag. My straight housemate has never posted on IG that he participated over the weekend in the 69 Parade. The newlywed couple across the street has yet to rock We-Fuck-Doggy-Style t-shirts. My straight cocksucking coworker doesnt have an ” I SWALLOW” bumper sticker on her Tesla. Only the LGBTQLMNOP community is so… Read more »
amen
100%
What is a “straight pride flag”?
But in fairness, I don’t see how it’s any different that showing support of your favorite sports team.
I agree. Stop shoving the LGTQTQLMNOP down everyone’s throats and definitely stop indoctrinating and conditioning underage children into a community that they may not have ever had anything to do with. AND STOP Mutilating their gentiles you sick bastard surgeons.
I swallow and proud that I do, Doesn’t make sense to me to suck and not swallow, plus I think it is rude not to swallow the gift you are given. That said i don’t have a tshirt or bumper sticker that says that.
I have yet to get an understanding for the views, values, sexual proclivities and overall distinctions of transgenders, queers or “+” individuals in the “gay” community? I can’t tell by their appearance, demeanors, conversations or sexual acts for me to view and treat them as if they’re gay or bi? Please give me more clarity about their labeling? Thanks.
Drag queens. I never get it.
It is just Halloween 365 days per year
Drag culture, leather culture, voughing, pup.. the daddy and son fantasy… lot of the subcultures seem so bizarre to me. I like dudes but some of the subculture within gay culture scares the fuck outta me…
AGREED 100%
These subcultures exist in hetero circles too, btw
There is a difference, they don’t shove it in everyone’s face, especially at ‘parades’. Nothing wrong with getting your freak on, but keep your freak to yourself. Most of us don’t want to see it.
Str8s have been shoving their freak in everyone’s face for millennia.
I’ve never understood the connection between good hard gay sex and being effeminate – or trans. Being bi-married and totally hetero “by day,” my need for guys and gay sex is those hot male bodies. I don’t have the slightest interest in getting intimate with either of those types. I want a male, period. Why the effeminate thing?
Yeah get a women if you want a female. I’m masculine and I want to be with a Man.
Right and all with you on that, but my curiosity/confusion goes beyond that. I don’t get why/how if a guy likes to get intimate with male bodies how it leads some to adapt effeminate ways when the sex part is all about males? That’s a lifelong confusion for me.
I never got what it was about “The Wizard of Oz” or Barbra Streisand music. I mean, I sorta like both, but nothing like some people do. Am bi, BTW, so maybe I don’t have enough of whatever it is that connects with that.
you are homosexual but you may devoid of gay genes might very well be the case?
I agree. Add Liza Minnelli and (post-“Wizard”) Judy Garland to those. When I was younger, I loved both while my lust for guys had barely emerged yet and I was, as now, totally str8 on the outside. I just enjoyed their voices and stage presence. I had no “gay reason” to be into either of them. Someone pls. tell me why they and other booming female voices appeal to gay audiences?
cant understand why so many gays cant see themselves as a human being without needing to qualify, label or announce themselves as gay.
I really find it irritating, gay men who find monogamous dating or relationships, too much like a “hetero construct,” yet the sex, is just like that, bttm/top anal sex, what gives?!
Aside from the fact of; they’re perhaps, just not capable or at that stage of maturity.
Otherwise mostly, all of the above, lead to lives of loneliness.
This goes to the topic of “open relationships”. I personally don’t understand how you can claim to love 1 person, but have to be sexually pleased by others.
I don’t either. I’m one those “you and me against world” kind of men. The world of gay men doesn’t give a flying fuck about each other; other than for sex, not love. I would say, that’s how that’s how homosexuality works; operates is more precise, the “MO.” As I said a while ago, about gay pride, there are some serious pitfalls abound “in the life” I was intuitive enough, not to have “it” get the best of the best, of who I am. As is said “tend to heart more dearly” if you have a heart, I guess, ah?… Read more »
I never understood why drag shows are so big. I get tv on an individual level. But guys who would never be with a tv love a drag show at a gay bar.And if a gay bar has any kind of show, count on it being drag. I mean, whatever, but….why?
I tried bottoming and found my place, I went to a drag show and once was enough, maybe too much.
I opted out of an LGBTQIA+ alum event last week when I learned that drag was prominently involved. Halloween is October 31st; we should leave it there….
I’ve never understood why a large number of Gay men have a high level of intolerance (vocalized hatred actually) for other Gay guys who don’t view the world as they do when it comes to: Gay guys who have the behaviors and mannerisms of traditional males, who “act Straight”. Gay guys who are keep their sex lives private, are “on the down low”, who don’t care to “come out” of the closet, or are Bisexual. Gay guys who respect Straight guys for who they are without taunting or teasing. Gay guys who are not Democrat/Liberal/Progressive. Gay guys who practice any… Read more »
Lots of Str8’s are INTOLERANT also in these POLARIZED times of COMMIE/SOCIALIST/LIBTARDS and BIBLE Thumping/HOMOPHOBIC/and anti abortion TRUMPTARDS!!!! No one in the USA is MODERATE anymore except for a SELECT FEW who NEVER VOTED for Obiden, Cuntella, Or the ORANGE FREAK!!!!
That’s not just gays. Several people want to be included in groups with similar (dis)likes. Trouble is how far do you break it down? I was watching a YouTube video with a girl wanting to seperate her crocheting yarn. “This bucket is for skinny yarn. This bucket is for med. yarn. This bucket is for fat yarn. This bucket is for skinny non-artificial yarn. This bucket is for med. non-artificial yarn from “X Brand”. This bucket is for fat non-artificial yarn from “X Brand” in blue.” I was waiting to see if she had 1000 buckets only containing 1 ball… Read more »
The obsession with making ‘who you’re attracted to’ your entire personality. No one cares.
When I was 19 and 20, I couldn’t wait to turn 21 so I could go clubbing and do the circuits. Around age 25, I was done with that scene and was very focused on my career. Nowadays I see pics online of guys in their 30s-50s still doing the club scene and wearing short shorts and tank tops. They are having their fun, which I think is great for them. But it is also something that I don’t get. Again, interesting culture, but don’t you people grow out of that?
Please don’t add another letter to the L G B T Q banner. When did sexual identity become unlimited?
How about we get rid of the letters all together and just be human. What goes on in the bedroom is such a minuet fraction of people lives and who a person is. I’m so sick of these fucking labels.
Gorgeous George a wonderful idea.
Why everybody claims “there are no tops”, yet me (a TOTAL top) can’t even get guys to meet for coffee.
They’re not that ‘social’ just sexual, catering to their lower animalistic instincts. “Hit it, quit it, next!”
Exactly. I’ve never been on a date with a dude. I’m not wining and dining a guy. All I want from him is hot man sex. Only conversation is when, what time and where we’re going to fuck.
If you had some good dick and it was really hitting., they would line up like a Taylor swift concert. There is something you haven’t told us yet.
That’s my point…nobody wants to meet in ANY way you want to describe it: coffee, date, or sex.
But then to go around complaining “nobody is around” makes you go “WTF?!?”.
Why some guys have sex with other men, but claim they’re straight. Be real to yourself that you’re at least bi.
Because it’s kinda confusing. I know at least 5 dudes that had their dicks sucked once, twice or more by an queen’s gay guy in our neighborhood. All the guys were from 15 to 18 years old at the time. They eventually growed out of it, got married, had kids, careers and probably never messed with guys again. I think they were just horny as shit back then and just experimenting. Neither 5 turned out gay that I know of. The queen’s guy told in secrecy.
My point is even that 1 time nullifies “I’m totally straight.”
Think of it like this: if you put a pinch of salt in water, you’ll never make it completely unsalted again.
I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that at least three of them still dib and dab…. They’re known to us as DL dudes…. I have many lovers who are outwardly heterosexual, and they love nothing more than burying their heads between my thighs. They’re devoted husbands and parents – and simply have a need their wives can’t satisfy. One gorgeous lover of eleven years had his first homosexual experience with me. I remain his only male lover. His bisexual girlfriend, since college, found me on Craigslist in 2014. He was twenty-six; I was sixty. His girlfriend still wants to join… Read more »
These guys generally became aware of sexuality in the 1950s through 1990s. They knew they were attracted to men. The only other men they saw were fem/flamboyant. They knew they were not attracted to, often repulsed by, feminine flamboyant guys and were not at all like them in behaviors and mannerisms. Also, during those decades, being Gay usually would cost them their families, friends, jobs, and in some cases lives. Lacking access to Gay men like themselves, they went “Functionally Straight”, found women who they were attracted to, married, most likely became fathers, developed professional careers and lived lives as… Read more »
Why in the fuck does it bothers people because of how someone chooses to be gay ? If someone wants to be open and out, let them, if you chose to be masculine and hard, be masculine and hard, If you choose to only prefer hard and masculine bottoms/tops , then that’s what makes you happy, If a gay guy wants to be loud and flamboyant, then that’s his way of being gay, Hell being feminine is what being gay is based upon, Nowa days some choose to show it and some chooses to be discreet/DL, I’m a married DL… Read more »
I have my armour fastened – so feel free to land on me…. I don’t understand the infatuation with transsexuality on the part of the gay or straight communities. I also don’t understand how there are more genders than male or female. A penis makes a baby a boy; a vagina makes a baby a girl. Period, end of story…. I was born male. God sent me here as a same sex loving male, and I am very pleased with that. I know I’m a man and have never had a desire to be a girl or woman. If one… Read more »
Accepting someone with a vagina as a man.
Or a penis as a woman.
Too many cliques and identity groups. I don’t see the cohesiveness within the lgbtq community. I guess it’s good we’re not a monolith.
The one thing the “LTGBQ+ ‘Community’ ” is great at is not being communal or cohesive. The group doesn’t have an office (city, state, national, or international). No agenda. No newsletter, No fundraising. No financial support of relevant issues. No lobbying at State or the Federal levels proposing bills for LGTBQ+ individuals. The non-group “group” lets Liberal/Progressive/Democrats use it for free to garner votes. And members often say “The Community feels/is outraged about.conerned about….” this that or the other thing.
Still waiting for my survey.