(Photo Credits: Prostock-studio from Shutterstock)
A lesbian redditor recently posted a genuine question that sparked a flurry of thoughtful responses from gay men. She asked: “Why is masc4masc such a problem in gay male community? -From a lesbian” She added, “No hate, genuinely asking. Because in lesbian community, fem4fem is not an ick at all. Of course, masc hate is a thing in wlw community (just like fem hate in mlm one), but no one judges/hates fem4fem lesbians. Why is masc4masc considered weird or rude in gay community?”
Her question opened the floodgates to a complex and layered discussion about attraction, presentation, identity politics, and the baggage that often comes with dating preferences in the gay community.
One gay man pointed out something rarely said aloud: “I’ve also noticed that feminine or ‘intermediate’ type of gay men who attract more masculine men are HATED on by other feminine gays who do not attract such men.” There’s a deep social dynamic around desirability here—especially when one group feels overlooked by the men they desire and sees others being chosen instead.
Another guy shared, “I think it’s because most feminine gay men want masculine men. I haven’t really seen fem4fem among gay men.” Someone responded, “I’ve seen a few, here and there, it’s disappointing when the attraction doesn’t go both ways but that’s life.” In other words, it might come down to numbers—fem4fem is rare among gay men, so masc4masc becomes more visible and more contested. Do you agree with this, guys?
Others dug into the psychology and culture behind the controversy: “There’s nothing wrong with having a preference, there are just a lot of layers attached to this one.” They added that “masc4masc” is often coded with internalized homophobia, but also said that the term gets misused: “People who feel the need to outwardly state they are ‘masc4masc’ are not all that masculine… which is where the ‘weird’ aspect comes in.”
Some readers were blunt: “Sour grapes & hypocrisy. People often get upset at others having exclusionary preferences, while completely ignoring their own exclusionary preferences.”
In addition, another guy said, “It’s not a problem if that’s what you’re into. Being attracted to like doesn’t imply internalized homophobia. That can be the case, but not always.” The problem, many agreed, isn’t the preference—it’s when it’s used to demean or erase others.
One thoughtful comment offered more context: “A masculine guy can usually pass for straight, and won’t usually be the subject of harassment. But feminine men get rejected by society AND other gay men… so they get really bitter when they see masc4masc.”
Meanwhile, some gay men were totally unbothered: “This is only said to be a problem by fem men who can’t take rejection. For the majority of the community, nobody gives a f*ck.”
Lastly, someone put it simply: “It’s come to a point where just having a preference is considered rude AF.”
Having said all, what do you think, Adam4Adam blog readers? Is masc4masc problematic, or are we overanalyzing personal tastes?
Moreover, do you see a difference between preference and prejudice? Is masc4masc a real issue or an overblown talking point? Have you ever been judged for your type—or felt invisible in a sea of labels? Let us know your thoughts and experiences in the comments section down below.
People should spend more time minding their own business and let people live
adding, how about people should be spending more time getting educated to dwell on the important things and not on the trivial things?
we like labels as labels help us categorize and control.
There’s nothing wrong with having preferences–even racial ones. I’m Black, and I don’t want to “shame” anyone into sleeping with me. The problem is when you treat others disparagingly BECAUSE of your preferences–which an overwhelming amount of gay men do.
Half of these “debates” wouldn’t exist if men knew how to properly give and take rejection.
The problem, is that a multitude of men have very fragile egos. Guys can’t accept the rejection of not being desired by another male.
I’d much rather be told no thanks, than strung along with bullshit.
People get upset by it because it’s historically (though not exclusively) associated with shaming guys that aren’t as masculine as well as fetishizing ones that are. That said, I think anyone should be able to openly state their preferences on a dating app of all places. I’m fat, and never once have I held it against anyone if they fail to express interest because of it. De gustibus non est disputandum.
res vera caput tollit?
Certus vero.
Es Verdad
When did we drift from Latin to Spanish?
Personally, I don’t see where masc4masc is a problem. It’s a choice, just like every other criteria we use, when choosing a bed buddy.
The main issue is that penitration is exerted with masc4masc people and various STDs are more susceptible to occur vs fem4fem people. Lesbians can wear strap-ons to simulate their masculine position in the relationship, yet, STDs are no where a possibility between them. If this possibility was mutual, then, this would be a moot point of inquiry.
apparently you’re serious