(Photo Credits: Carlo Prearo from Shutterstock)
Coming out can be a challenging journey, and for one 26-year-old gay man, it has led to a heartbreaking ultimatum from his family. Sharing his story, he explains the impossible choice he now faces:
I am a gay male (26) and my partner 28. This is my first relationship, and we started dating 2 years ago while I was in the closet to my parents.
I have now come out to my parents, and they do not approve of the relationship due to religious reasons (which is why I’ve stayed in the closet for so long). My parents have now given me an ultimatum to either:
- Choose him and abandon my family, and I cannot come home to visit my siblings or my parents.
- Give up on him and just devote myself to other activities as love is a small factor in life.
I respect both parties, and my partner is aware of my parents’ ultimatum. The decision lies with me, and I really don’t know what to do as I am scared the future will hold so much regret in either option I choose. Also, I’m really such a family guy.
This man’s story resonates deeply with many in the LGBTQ+ community who have faced similar struggles. Some gay men shared their insights on r/askgaybros, offering advice and reflections on this tough situation.
Here are some popular responses from the community:
One commenter pointed out the harsh reality of conditional love:
“Your family is telling you, ‘We don’t love you. We only loved the false image we had of you when we assumed you were straight. Our love for you is conditional on you not being the person you are in real life. We don’t love you because you are capable of loving someone we disapprove of.’ That’s not family. That’s a bunch of assholes who are emotionally blackmailing you into being something you’re not.”
Another emphasized the futility of trying to gain acceptance through self-denial:
“Totally partner over family. Why would you need a family that will never accept and love you as you are? Even if you abandon your boyfriend, that wouldn’t change anything in your parents’ minds about your orientation. They still won’t approve of your preferences, and this story will repeat itself over and over again, with each partner you’ll have or with every other thing which is about being gay.”
Some focused on love’s importance: “If your parents truly loved you, they wouldn’t have given you this ultimatum. If you and your partner love each other, choose him.”
Others highlighted the bleak alternative of living in denial: “So you’d spend the rest of your life on [gay dating apps], or glory holes, or crushing toilets and parks, or DL just to mollify your parents. Always go with love.”
Finally, one commenter celebrated the unconditional love of a partner: “You have a partner that loves you unconditionally and celebrates the entirety of you. And on the other hand, you have a family whose love is conditional and requires you to repress a part of you. I know which decision I would make.”
This story raises a tough question: love or family? What would you choose? Moreover, have you ever been in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?
Adam4Adam blog readers, we want to hear from you. If this were you, what would you do? Would you choose your family or your partner? Why or why not? What advice would you give to a gay man out there facing this kind of difficult choice? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
This is a very hard and serious decision!!!! Relationships come and go but family is forever. Its not fair that family would put a person in that position to have to make a decision like that. Logically thinking, is that you follow your heart and you’re family can’t decide who you love and be with. I get that!! But suppose you are barely making it financially and let’s say, you’re parents have many millions. You can’t eat and pay the bills off love. Everyone who has struggled financially, for years and years will understand what I’m saying. Generational wealth affects… Read more »
I did just that. I picked love over family. Horrible mistake. Most gay relationships don’t last a lifetime (usually 5 – 7 years from what I’ve seen) between the cheating, open relationships and just the nature of distancing and looking for what’s missing. In my case, my Ex turned out to be a perpetual liar, an alcoholic and drug user, which he hid from me until we moved in together. He progressed to being emotionally and physically abusive, and I learned just how manipulating a man can be. Financially he was draining me dry. After 6 years, i ended it,… Read more »
Not your family’s fault you have bad taste in men.
It totally depends on the situation. But with the guy’s story above? I would pick relationship after having a serious think. Not even supposing the relationship lasts; the family does not truly love him if they are giving him an ultimatum like that. They just want control. I would also talk to the siblings and let them understand the situation the parents put him in and that his decision is made in no way relating to not wanting to see them. In fact, I would make sure to give the siblings contact info so they can stay in touch with… Read more »
The same rules apply whether you’re in a heterosexual or gay married/ relationship.
Very true
there are family who will force a choice and there are families who will not force a choice. most families will be neutral or will embrace it. Ride with the waves and eventually, families will come to terms as age and dependency become reality.
Nice substantial choice for discussion, btw.
Sometimes, neither is worth the energy, that was my experience which led me to leave both behind, way too much trauma. Neither was very supportive emotionally.
I chose my partner over family I figured sooner or later they would come around I lost my partner after 42 years with him and I still have my family too
I think it might depend on the individuals on each side of the equation.
I did this…twice. And while things didn’t work out with my partner the first time, it sent the right message to my family. It’s not like none of them had ever been in a relationship that eventually failed, but I deserved their support in my relationship just as they supported everyone else who was in a str8 relationship. The second time proved to be the change needed. While my family was not comfortable (at first), my husband eventually won them over simply by being himself. At one point I told friends that if my Mom had to choose between me… Read more »
I am extremely fortunate never to have never faced such a decision. Yes, my parents hinted at such a thing when I first came out to them, but that was several years before they met the man I wanted to commit to. He was such a good person that they could not help but love him. I was worried about his family, as he came from a semi-rural part of the mid-south, but on our first visit there I was welcomed with open arms. When the holidays came around, his parents drove to California to be with us, and for… Read more »
People that truly love you don’t give such billshit ultimatums. I’d flip my family the bird in this scenario.
40 years ago, when my dad caught me in bed with my partner, it was the worst outing ever. I was caught between leaving my parents and going with my partner. I stayed and we had the worst emotional argument ever. I had to check into a mental health hospital because i was very suicidal. My relationship with my parents never really recovered. When my dad was dying of lung cancer, he told me to get my partner and get him in my life because my sisters would only care about my mom and not me after that. He wanted… Read more »
“It’s us or him…” there is but one person to answer that question. That said….that is terribly black n white….but if it were ever to have put to me….I would hope I have the presence of mind to remind them they should not make demands or ask questions they really don’t want the answer to, or have thought out what the answer may be before asking. In most families these days I would like to think common sense and reason would prevail with most of them….I a family with 3, 4…5+ children, parents may be well advised to be very… Read more »
“It’s one thing to break up a family over support for left or right party,…..”
Steve, are you saying that it’s ok to break up a family over differences in politics? I sure dont agree with that.
I see it if they force you to choose because of their religious values. You will NEVER get their approval. They will never let you be happy with your life as they will never accept you being gay. Just be who you are and enjoy your life for you NOT them.
I lived through this many years ago, and I didn’t choose boyfriend or family, I chose me. This resulted in my family and I parting company, in 1979 and we never spoke again. I have never regretted my decision for a single moment. They disapproved of me so strongly and didn’t appreciate my suggestion that their genes were what made me this way. I thanked my family for the genetics they passed onto me that resulted in my sexual orientation. They told me I was mentally ill, and went on to berate me with how angry I was making their… Read more »
“I chose me” right on, that was me, too, that’s “growing a pair” for you.
Another divisive “us vs. them” article. The “poor Gay guy” is the total victim. Here, the OP is expected to choose between his partner and his “family”. In truth, it’s not the family, it’s his parents. His parents’ beliefs extend no further than their property’s boundaries. His parents have no control over his siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins. It’s up to him now to ensure that his family relationships remain intact. The OP needs to call (not text or email) these other family members, starting with those he feels would welcome the contact. If he’s is hung up on, that’s… Read more »
some parents and family will not just disown you for disclosing and telling of your true sexuality, but ya just might even get threatened with bodily injury too! yes, this is a very important matter, when you decide, make sure you can fend and take care of yourself .. cuz sometimes, it is you and only you that’s gotta take charge and be in control, nobody else, honey! number one is the most important, might sound selfish yes, but who else is gonna take care of ya in the long run?
Any family that forces you to make that choice is not worth having. Tell them “I’m sorry you feel that way”, and leave them behind. There are no guarantees with the guy, of course. But then there are none in straight relationships either. I’ve been with my partner for 22 years, which is longer than my parents were together before their divorce. Your siblings will probably contact you on their own, and you can maintain your relationship with them.
They aren’t Christians or whatever they call themselves. Anyone that allows another person or thing to tell them what to think or believe is a brainwashed fucktard. They’re nothing but hypocrites. I’d tell them to go fuck themselves and live as you were meant to, FREE!!!
Parents need to fully grasp that when their children turn 18 years of age that the parents turn to screw up their child’s life ends and it’s now your adult child’s turn to screw up their own life.
Parents didn’t always have to agree with their children’s decisions, but they always need to respect those decisions.