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In any relationship, intimacy is important, but what happens when it fades? The term “dead bedroom” refers to relationships where sexual activity has come to a near halt, leaving one or both partners feeling unfulfilled.
A gay man asked on Reddit, “Are there any bros in a gay dead bedroom? How do you deal with it? Do you cheat?” This is a difficult, sometimes heartbreaking issue for many, and the responses from those who have experienced it reveal a wide range of approaches, from trying to rekindle intimacy to considering ending the relationship.
Let’s look at some real-life experiences and insights shared by gay men online who have navigated this challenging situation.
1. “Nearing the end of my rope”
One man expressed deep frustration about his stagnant relationship: “Wouldn’t cheat, but I’m nearing the end of my rope. We’re basically just roommates at this point and it’s so demoralizing to feel unwanted.” For him, the emotional toll of feeling undesired has made the relationship feel more like a roommate situation than a romantic partnership. This sense of being disconnected from a partner can erode self-esteem and create lingering resentment.
In cases like this, when intimacy vanishes, it’s crucial to communicate openly about feelings of neglect and to try to address the underlying issues before the relationship breaks down completely. But what happens when talking doesn’t help?
2. Growing apart
Another guy shared a story of growing emotional distance in his relationship, stating: “Yes, but would never cheat. The lack of intimacy and unfortunate growing resentment has opened my eyes to how little in common we have and how much our values don’t align.” Here, the absence of intimacy highlighted deeper issues within the relationship, such as misaligned values and interests. Sometimes, a dead bedroom isn’t just about sex; it can signal broader compatibility problems that may have been lurking beneath the surface all along.
3. Ending a marriage
For other gay men, the lack of intimacy becomes so insurmountable that they choose to walk away. “Ended a marriage partially because of this. You gotta figure out if it’s a temporary thing, or if it’s a persistent chemistry issue. The latter may not be fixable. My ex and I are still on good terms, and we both acknowledge we probably should’ve ended it sooner.” This commenter’s marriage ended, in part, due to the sexual disconnection between him and his spouse. In some cases, it’s a sign that the relationship has run its course, especially if the underlying chemistry just isn’t there.
This user’s story also highlights the importance of determining whether the issue is temporary (due to stress, health issues, or other factors) or if it’s a fundamental incompatibility.
4. Compassionate solutions
While some relationships end, others find ways to adapt. One man shared his unique approach, saying: “I am impotent due to nerve damage. We had been monogamous for 15 years. At my urging, hubs found a friend with benefits. We love happily ever after. Attitude, compassion, and empathy make or break relationships.” For this couple, communication and empathy were key. They reached a mutually satisfying arrangement that allowed them to stay connected emotionally while meeting each other’s needs in different ways. This story demonstrates that solutions can be found when both partners approach the issue with understanding and a willingness to compromise.
5. Addressing the issue directly
Some choose to confront the issue head-on, as one commenter explained: “I sit down with him and tell him I can’t remember the last time we were intimate. I explain how it’s important to me. And I ask if there are reasons he is uninterested we can explore because I’m very interested.” By addressing the lack of intimacy directly, this couple could identify potential barriers and work together to restore intimacy. Communication is often the first step in resolving a dead bedroom and avoiding further disconnect.
6. Finding other outlets
For some, self-pleasure becomes a way to deal with the situation. While this doesn’t solve the underlying issue in the relationship, it can offer temporary relief while partners work through their challenges. However, many still emphasize the importance of communication and not letting self-pleasure become a replacement for working on the relationship.
So, Adam4Adam readers, how do you deal with the dead bedroom problem in your relationship? Do you communicate, compromise, or seek other outlets? We’d love to hear your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below!
“Other Outlets” is an excellent option. When a former partner had been unfaithful outside the rules (he had sex with a guy with HIV, without condoms, repeatedly), I simply moved to the other bedroom, and pleasured myself without him. He actually had the *nerve* to call me out for not touching his dishonest ass.
FUCK SOMEONE ELSE………
I think queers need to stop coining terms like “dead bedroom”! SMH
The terms keep the idea alive that anything and everything is always always going to be harder on Gays than anyone else.
I seem to recall the term Bed Death used in the series Queer as Folk. It was in a discussion involving a lesbian couple.
I think this is an issue for both homo and heterosexual couples. Either two people get through it or they do not. I feel sorry for anyone in a sexless relationship. I’ve been there and it really sucks. The kindest thing is to just end it unless one is okay with celibacy or cheating. There are hard choices involved. I would not wish that on anyone.
My husband and I have been together for 28 years…..We haven’t had sex in the last 15. Sex has never been the glue in our relationship. We enjoy each other’s company and we are happy to be together. We just got to a point where we didn’t enjoy each other sexually.
We both are free to explore other men for sexual gratification. I see a few men I have known for years who understand the situation. Everyone knows what they are involved in.
Sex isn’t love.
you got it right! sex is not love; romance is love?
I’ve never met a gay couple who wasn’t either openly fucking around or do it behind each other’s backs so this makes no sense
People change. Relationships do as well.
If the relationship was open to sex with others, when one’s interest wanes, it’s most likely not to be an issue.
If the relationship was monogamous, discussion should take place to see if it becomes open or ends. Perhaps it remains closed and the uninterested partner “pumps out” the other a couple of times per week
The main issue is caring communication and then being realistic about the future. Both, sadly, are not strong points for many Gay men.
The young’ns of this site will find out that as you age, things don’t work the way they did. After a while, it took me all night to do what I used to do all night. Over time, even that disappeared. I find great joy and comfort in simply being held, lightly caressed, cuddling and sleeping in the arms of a gentle man. Usually he finds THE one spot that will make me melt. IF sex enters in ..hooray for us.
There’s something wrong with the way too many men behave. Fucking sex is not making love. Making love is what matters.
it’s simple, just sex yourself if ya can’t sex with someone else, honey! all it takes is a bottle of your best lubricant, your right (or left) hand, and of course, your dick! oh and don’t forget your IMAGINATION too (or put on an optional hot steamy porn video instead) .. let those four things take you to places unknown, and best part is no partner is necessary, YOU are in total control! go slow if you want, fast when you ready to .. the best part is when you ready to jizz, squirt and skeet all over the damn… Read more »
Seriously bad question. In monogamous relationships and most gay relationships are not, there might be a dead bedroom. Wank it. Or find a relationship that suits you. For most of us, the sex vector is not the partnership vector. They can be joined, intersecting, weaving, but relationships are about trust. Sex is about sex. You can have trust and sex, but that’s something between two (monogamous) or more (polyamorous). Geez. For those wanting only one partner at a time in a trust relationship, it’s time to get out and find that partner, do the dating game, find that sweetheart. Go… Read more »
My husband of 10 years (40 years together) had little enough libido to begin with, but treatment for prostrate cancer several years ago, ended it completely. It’s not a choice.
So I was allowed to seek out alternatives and have 2 FBs. Everybody knows what’s up. This arrangement has gone on for years
Wow, never heard the term “Dead Bedroom” before. I cheated on my ex a couple times because he just wasn’t into it or maybe he just wasn’t into me. We didn’t live together, so I would think when we spent the night together that we would have sex. He would just go right to sleep. It was both our fault because I expected him to be versatile, but turned out he was a total bottom and that slightly turned me off because he has such a beautiful bronze veiny penis that hangs beautifully when flaccid and he doesn’t want to… Read more »
I just tried and ended a relationship with a married man who is in a failed marriage. He never could understand how hard it was to sit on the sidelines playing second best to a failed marriage. I spent more time alone when I was seeing him than the previous 6 years I spent celibate. He never got that. All he wanted to see was how it would or could all work out for his benefit. Don’t get me wrong, he’s actually a very sweet and loving guy, but no one is good enough for me to take second place,… Read more »
Masturbate. Don’t cheat. Learn to massage each other. There’s so much more to intimacy than just sex.
These dudes talk about “cheating” as if it’s a BAD THING!!! If your Partner isn’t taking care of your NEEDS and desires I would have NO hesitation in finding satisfaction and pleasure with another willing and desirable partner. No guilt or shame – BOTH of those emotions are worthless and non productive!!! It takes TWO to Tango and if ONE doesn’t wanna “DANCE” there’s ALWAYS another partner out there until the music stops and you’re feeling AWESOME!!! 🙂
Put a “turnstile door” on your bedroom, lmao, ’cause that’s what’s going down in reality, “in love” is no more largely, just sex, so, guess I have a “dead bedroom,” by choice, no turnstiles here, it’s too much stress for someone who is ‘not’ promiscuous. I wasn’t so much as a younger man either though.
But in that sense, I’m not alone.