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It’s as the title says guys, is it really hard to make other gay friends?
A user named Unusual-Ladder-6386 on askgaybros brought up this topic mainly because of a tweet he stumbled upon that reads: “Gay men have to pick partners out the same selections we pick friends…. That alone makes it difficult to establish friendships… Everything I want in a friend, is essentially everything I want in a man.”
Gay men have to pick partners out the same selections we pick friends…. That alone makes it difficult to establish friendships… Everything I want in a friend, is essentially everything I want in a man
— Prince Piérre (@PrinceCharmingP) October 23, 2018
Further, Unusual-Ladder-6386 said that the tweet has stuck with him ever since. He shared, “I always bring it up when having those ‘why gay men are the way they are’ conversations. It’s a very true statement that unfortunately makes dating/making & maintaining friends even that much more complicated.”
How true are these statements for you, guys?
User jeffers8 agrees with the two men above. He explained that “What makes it difficult to make friends with other gay men is saying ‘let’s be friends’ is often taken as ‘I don’t find you attractive enough to fuck.'” He added, “This is why friends with benefits and groups of people who are equally attractive (and fuck on the side) tend to form among gay men, it can be hard to initiate a platonic friendship without some people being offended you don’t want to fuck them.”
Meanwhile, user TB54 begged to differ. Referring to this statement specifically: “Everything I want in a friend, is essentially everything I want in a man,” he pointed out, “That’s really not the same thing for me.” He continued, “And it doesn’t solve the question of desire anyway: I have gay very close friends I have absolutely 0 desire for.”
It’s a sentiment that was shared by user 1ce_dragon who said: “Ditto. I find my gay close friends attractive physically and they have a great personality, but I have absolutely zero desire to fuck them.” He explained that his partner may not be that physically attractive but he is the only guy that he wants to be intimate with physically. He elaborated, “The love and chemistry between us definitely makes the difference between a partner and a good friend.”
All that being said, is it hard for you also to make friends with other gay men, guys? Why or why not? Are you like others who lose their close gay friends because of their inability to draw a line between friendship and sexual attraction? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
It is difficult. So many gay men won’t even give you the time of day if they don’t find you physically attractive. It’s like they want clones of themselves for friends, hook-ups, and boyfriends.
They sure do…It’s like the thought of an actual platonic friendship is foreign to them.
Not really at least for me. I have many gay and bisexual friends, even lesbians, and they’re all very attractive. But even though they’re attractive with great personalities that I find attractive, they’re also off limits for each of them are in a relationship myself included. I’m in exclusive relationship with a female and even though I’m attracted towards both sex, I’m all about loyalty and commitment. With that in mind, whether my friends are in a relationship or not, to be a friend is that you don’t flirt or have sex with a friend, because that becomes more than… Read more »
Definitely hard to make gay friends. Living in a rather small town it has been very hard to find guys to just hang out with
I would say so. Particularly those that prefer to segment their lives…. the NSA/No strings types seem to prefer cum and go ‘relationships’, if one could call them that. Which would seem counterintuitive, as the days of gay sex being illegal and illicit are long gone. One must conclude that a sizable proportion of gay men want nothing more than to use others as a human sex toy, and toss their partners aside like refuse after orgasm. Fast friends make faster enemies, as the saying goes
Why would it be hard to be just friends with other gay or bi men? Has the gay community become so insecure one cannot have gay or bi men just as friends? I have several gay and bi friends that are just that, friends. It’s not like we play poker on the weekends and the loser(s) take it in the ass.
really i dont mind if someone is looking ,well? for all 3; meaning a relationship, friends , or even sex or crazy orgies, but the issue i have is tied to more of the word(deception) alot of folks say they want a relationship but are really just hiding sex or possibly money in the dark corner of their mind, vise versa , some folks say they want sex but only were hoping to cling on to someone and stay dependent on someone else, but i think the word friends needs to actually be considered another kind of relationship, for me… Read more »
I think the difficulty some have is the leftover problems from when openness invited trouble, getting caught could cost a job or freedom, cruising and coincidence were the only ways to find one another, so the known pool was small. A common saying was that gay men should not have sex with friends. The idea horrified them. Much of this was because people assumed sex would bring tension to friendship, and they feared that tensions and jealousies among a small circle of friends could cause disintegration. I hold the view that sex can no more ruin friendship than sprinkles can… Read more »
That’s a tough one? The guys I fuck, usually end my friends (with benefits of course)? I’ll say that, I do have a lot of my old friends from school, still remain my friends to this day but, I so rarely see them now? When I was in school, I didn’t realize I was gay….probably because I was attracted to, so much, older than myself? Right now, I don’t feel the need for any more friends? My friends with benefits, fills that void!
If you do not harp on the “Gay” aspect of a friend or friends, being a friend or friends with a gay person or gay persons is no different than being friends with anyone else. There is way too much emphasis on the “Gay Routine” as if Gay is a separate specie or entity? Gay is the “Modern” interpretation of Homosexuality within The Western World where Gay is “Anthropomorphized” as a sperate entity instead of an innate part of the total being. When you annex and stratify sexuality, you remove it from context and it becomes an Albatross. Gay is… Read more »
Now im having this problem with my partner for 6 years…I want to have friends but he always bring up a excuse so now i just have female friends and i think it make it much better
Mickel:
A gay boy can never have too many “Girlfriends”!
Some of my best, trusted friends are women. On my top ten list of heroes in life, 70% are women. They also like gay guys because we are not a threat that is after them for sexual reasons, unlike in their straight world.
It’s very easy for me to have platonic friendships with other gay men. You do have to watch some of those grimy, sketchy queens around your dude, though — if you allow them into your orbit…. I don’t. If you want my circle to expel you — do some shit like that.!! The offender might get a group ‘touch-up’ too.!! Yeppers, that’s how we sometimes get down….
The vast majority of my friends are straight or bi males. I have no interest in ‘f@g h@gs’ nor do I want to be ‘bath house buddies’ I have yet to make friends with another gay man, whom doesn’t make it their mission to get down my pants. This isn’t said in vanity, I’m a solid ‘6’ most days. It seems the less you want sex with a man, more more challenging and interesting it becomes to him. I have no time for that nonsense.
You can’t be friends with other gays… at least from my experience. Most gays are single and mainly want just sex. I just can’t find one to keep it as just a friend. I don’t sex friends, because things change and you can’t share what you shared pry to sex… people catch feelings once you have sex. Especially if you’re not each others type. I prefer fems and transgenders to dated only.. not as a friend. Only friend I need or want is my mate. When mentioned my preference to so called friends, I get treated differently. True friends don’t… Read more »
If I meet friends through my already-established boyfriend, it’s not
a problem; also, if I get to know someone who is a bottom like me,
then it’s easy to be friends. One of the guys I used to hang out with
and go clubbing with was also a bottom, so the question of having
sex was a non-starter. It made it very uncomplicated for us and we always
had a lot of fun together. After some time, we lost touch, but not due
to any animosity. Just one of those things where people move on.
Great subject! I have 3 good friends that I met on here (a4a) over 10 years ago. I get along very well with all of them. We have a lot in common especially when it comes to sports. Occasionally we have no strings sex and its familiar, safe and comfortable. Coincidently we all are not in relationships.
I would agree with the article for about 50% of gay men. the other 50%? If they can’t see themselves fucking you, you may as well be dirt on their shoes, because all they want is someone to get them off. No wonder so many of us are on psychotropics!
For me personally, it is hard to be friends with other gay/bi men. They even have superficial friendships based on looks and income. Plus most I’ve encountered in bars and clubs still think they’re in Mean Girls and you can’t sit with them.
Franco, I so relate to what you say above. I am a working professional who has been blessed with reasonable success over the years. I have worked all over the U.S. and internationally. That part of my life I’m content with. But that is just one small part of my life. Years ago, I decided that to be part of the A-List of gay guys in my city was just too much work. It’s always about income, toys, houses, clothes, electronics, cars, exotic trips — mainly stuff. Never about being kind, open, genuine and authentic. Rarely at a cool boys… Read more »
I think the best friendships happen organically and don’t have timeline to get to the level of a strong platonic connection. I will say I find it hard to establish true gay friendships because it’s hard to filter out some of the road blocks such as FWB, Sexual Chemistry, Some of the stereotypical pastime behaviors of gay men, and other reasons that some may agree or disagree… Personally, I don’t have a lot of gay friends simply because I don’t hang out on the scene (I live in Miami Beach) where there’s an opportunity to meet a lot of gay… Read more »
I absolutely agree with that gentleman’s statement. Making friends in the gay community is almost as feasible as bringing peace to the Middle East, doable but highly unlikely. I’ve been out a little over 10 years (I’m currently 38) and a few things I now know: 1) gay men shake hands by sleeping with each other, 2) your worth as an individual is based upon your body, looks, adherence to fashion, 3) honor, loyalty and trust are tokens and not something to actively maintain as a part of your own being. I have been more focused on making platonic friends… Read more »
funny about the shaking hands part. I had a buddy that moved away. When he would come back to town he would always stay with me as I was single. This is a pretty dry area so it wouldn’t take long for us to fool around. One time he made the comment “You sure do know how to say hello”. He’s passed on now but I thought about it when I saw handshake
they have gay men who think everyone wants them and try to force straight men to like and to do thingz wit them they be sneaking wen straight men are sleep and tales advantage of them and other reazonz so I DON’T DO GAY FRIENDZ ONLY STRAIGHT
All my friends, including my best friend are straight or bi. I have no desire to have a sexual affair with my straight friends. They have girl friends.
Neither do I desire to have gay friends. I am uncomfortable around “obviously gay” people… the stereotypes…. I find them to be dissonant and confusing. I don’t dislike them; I just don’t understand them. You can try to psycho-analyze that. It is what it is. The brain does a poor job of dictating to the heart.
Steven, your comments resonated with me. When you said, “I am uncomfortable around “obviously gay” people … the stereotypes … I find them to be dissonant and confusing.” Agreed. I have sympathy for a gay man who is young, flamboyant, and out there louder than life. I am also uncomfortable around this behavior, as I think they are demeaning themselves and maybe don’t know it. We all deserve dignity and respect. I get tired of hearing about “the gay stereotype” or “the gay lifestyle”. What the hell is that? It is something that straights AND gays have put on us/ourselves.… Read more »
my best friend (who recently died) was gay, but that’s not how we met. we connected first thru political & philosophical circles, then on a religious/spiritual level. we were not attracted to each other, which i think helped. our personalities did clash at times, but we understood each other better because of our sexuality. i think if either of us found the other attractive it could have been a problem. (both of us liked alpha guys) having gay friends with shared experiences is helpful, but as far as making gay friends because they are gay i think that is not… Read more »
My friends, gay or straight, are friends often out of circumstance (new job, new city, etc.). I bond more quickly with non-heterosexual people because we often have more in common. Our experiences are often similar. The sad thing to me is that the whole experience of being gay is not like it was 20 or 30 years ago. There is so much less cohesiveness in the “gay community” (laughable) now. Depending on where you live, there is no contact with our lesbian sisters and we treat bisexuals like shit. In places like West Hollywood, for example, I’ve never seen a… Read more »
Very true… I’m old school. Sadly all this freedom has messed up the gay world of today. I miss the old days… even though we were in hiding. We clung together and had greater respect for each other. Funny thing you said about us that are over 30… we took better care of ourselves than most do today. I refuse to join the fuck and go crowd…maybe the under 30 crowd don’t think they live to get older.
@Dre, NYC is the same
Wow, I knew, I wasn’t alone in my thinking. I’ve been saying for some time now, “they’re really just using and consuming each other.” Gay men, in general, have become worse people, because of the freedom they did nothing for, so there’s no respect for each other’s feelings. Hell, they may as well be zombies.
The ‘Z’s and Millennials don’t know what an adult bookstore is, hookups in public places, bathhouses, and ‘gay’ clubs per se. These places were pretty seedy. Pre-internet, these were about the only way guys could meet. Sadly. Today, life exists sitting in front of a computer screen — for good and bad. Many social skills are lost because people don’t meet in real time. They can make up any persona that they want to convince someone that they are. Manners rarely exist. And comments can be harsh. It’s a different world. And yes, if you’re over 30, you’re seen as… Read more »
will take the other side, most of my friends are gay/b, singles couples just happens to be that way, i honestly find it less complicated than my sr8 friends with families and easier to plan with. i’m just myself in any situation, take it or leave it. some tell me they have no other gay friends or friends at all, i appreciate the honesty, but find it hard to believe. when it comes to intimacy, sure a few are intimate and soulmate types. if im seeing someone, yes it becomes which friends are what sexually, and some have become triads,… Read more »
They say you can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends, thankfully. I’ve been fortunate to find several solid guys with whom I share common interests, but we aren’t necessarily into each other sexually. We may just chat or email to bitch about things, or we get tested and have lunch afterwards. Hiking and biking is always more fun with a bud. A good friend should be willing to be honest, sometimes brutally so, if he is concerned about your well being. Young men would do well to have someone who is like a “big brother” and can… Read more »
Is it more difficult for gay men to have male friends than it is for straight men and women to be just friends? No. Some can. Some can’t. Sexual orientation is not a driving factor. I have gay friends just as I’ve always had female friends (even when I dated women). As is often the case, this blog question implies that being gay drives certain behaviors. We learned here in posts recently that many gay men do not enjoy anal sex. Posters here say they don’t all enjoy pop music or are not Left/Liberal when it comes ro politics. Being… Read more »
Yep, I agree totally. They can’t seem to comprehend the word “platonic” meaning no sex. Or else they state they want to expand their male friendships, but they have a hidden agenda of wanting a fwb or bf, and you only figure it out through their innuendos. Gay men are their own worst enemies.
I establish a friendship based on common interests; not sexuality, how they look, or their income. If those are baselines for a “friend” in the gay community, then I’m living in an alternate universe. 🙂 I don’t know about most people, but my friends (gay and straight) turnover every 4 to 7 years because they move, die, or our lives/interests moved in different directions. Or, what initially brought us together is no longer there. No harm; no foul. Life is cyclic – people move in and out of your life. I have more straight friends than gay friends – likely… Read more »
Michael, I needed a laugh today! Totally agree with your comments! Especially the “but I’m more than that.” If straight people did that, well we’d think they were mental. Maybe some do and some are mental. This past year I think I’ve seen it all!
Most of my friends are gay and/or lesbian. I only have a handful of straight friends that I hang with. After reading some of the comments in this thread, I guess it’s harder to find gay friends in smaller towns and rural areas, but I’ve always lived in large urban centers so I’ve always had an overabundance of gay friends.
I gave this subject a 5, because of it’s importance/relevance… Gay men, just like hetero-women; who value some of the best kinds of friendships, plutonic friends, men/women. It’s really funny, how when I had just come out, I had a ton of friends, “we” weren’t sexing each other, although sometimes things started out kinda sketchy like that, but never beyond kissing. Now, as a an older man, guys are just all-in-for-sex automatically; friendships are secondary ’cause you “we” know what comes first, almost always as a set unspoken rule. I guess we are all kind of attracted to our friends… Read more »
It’s odd that we as gay men, can be some of the worst critics of others. We were born with a condition that perhaps we don’t understand. We want understanding and acceptance, and yet are often harsh on fellow gay guys. I’ve pondered on this often. We sometimes are the last to give acceptance to others who need simple friendship. I’ve adapted personal bias against super good looking gay guys. Yeah, they’re fun to look at, but I don’t trust them because I feel they know they could get anyone and have a million options. I also find that those… Read more »
Most of my friends are women. I find it hard to find gay men who just want to be friends. I am not interested in a relationship, and I find it very hard to find gay men who just want to hang out. I also don’t fuck my friends as a rule. I’d be interested in hearing about other guys’ experience with this since it seems to me many gay men if not most have fucked most of their friends.