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Do looks matter to you when dating or hooking up? Is physical attraction a requirement, or does personality carry more weight? Would you give someone a chance if they weren’t your usual type? And be honest—how much do abs, height, face, or body really influence your decision when getting together with someone?
This is the concern of a gay man online who asked, “Should I drop my standards for looks in a relationship, or would I just be settling for less?” The question struck a nerve. In a community where dating apps like Adam4Adam emphasize photos first and bios second, appearance often feels like currency. But when it comes to dating versus hooking up, do your preferences change?
One popular response challenged the very idea of settling: “Unpopular opinion, but we all have to settle in different ways. Everyone says hold out for your number 1, but a lot of people need to realize that if you’re not a 10 yourself, then you’re not going to get a 10 either. The idea of ‘settling for less’ is a toxic idea, because we all need to trade off because no one is perfect, NO ONE.” He added, “What’s more important to you? A relationship or just visual perfection?”
Another commenter pushed for self-awareness before self-pity: “What exactly are your standards and what are you bringing to the table?” It’s a blunt reminder that attraction is reciprocal. High expectations require honest reflection about what we offer emotionally, physically, and practically.
Some warned about emotional consequences. “You do you! But I think the other guy will be a bit hurt/offended if he realizes you ‘settled’ for him.” Few people want to feel like a consolation prize. Even if a compromise is realistic, labeling it as “settling” can damage trust.
In addition, others focused on the long game. One thoughtful reply read: “A very, very simple question to help me answer your question. What happens when YOU grow old: your face needs ironing, you have a muffin belly, and maybe you fail to meet THEIR ‘standards for looks.’ Maybe I’m overthinking your use of the word ‘relationship,’ if I substitute in the word ‘shag,’ it makes more sense. As Mysterious also said here, ‘You do you.’” The message is clear: bodies change. If attraction is built only on youth or perfection, what happens when time finally does its work?
At the same time, several gay men emphasized that attraction cannot be ignored. “Attraction is important. If you’re not at all attracted to him, move on and don’t waste either of your time. Don’t settle because a year or 10 years from now, you’ll decide you wanna F other people. Make sure you are each other’s type and sexual preferences.” For others, physical desire, especially in sexual relationships, still matters.
Meanwhile, another guy responded, “I would never use the term settle. Remember, not everyone is going to check every box on your wish list. But do they check enough boxes to be worth pursuing. Don’t pass on something good because you are looking for perfect. Personally, I feel like there has to be some sexual attraction, but that doesn’t mean they have to be a perfect 10.” It suggests redefining perfection into compatibility.
Finally, one comment cut to the core: “Let me reword your question another way: should you be practical and realistic in what kind of partner you can attract, or do you want to die alone?” Harsh, but it reflects a fear many share—loneliness versus lowered standards.
So, Adam4Adam blog readers, what do you think? Where do you actually stand? Are looks non-negotiable, or just the entry point? Have you ever surprised yourself by falling for someone outside your type? When it comes to dating or hooking up, what truly keeps your attention? And if looks open the door, what makes you stay?
Moreover, can attraction grow over time, or does it need to be instant? Have you ever adjusted your standards and found happiness—or regret? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below!
looks and physical attraction are the bait. The dick has to be engorged; the eyes have to be opened and sparkling and the brain’s neurons have to be stimulated. without the aforementioned, stick to porn.
Of COURSE looks matter in Dating and in a LTR, Unless you are Helen Keller!!! Altho everyone has their OWN personal rules of attraction, there’s GOTTA be something there before the SPARK turns into a FIRE!!! 🙂
Well sure in a way yes. But then again as that old saying goes about “beauty being in the eyes of the beholder”. But there are some us who don’t see as “It’s all good” some of us we don’t see it like that. We’d like someone more that just”nice”. Oh they’re this(profession)they got this,they live like this… Well good for them! Everybody has a right to be,or have nice things! And oh they have abod or a “big one”.. Well in my case I’m a top I’m not a “size queen” why would that excite me? Well what I’m… Read more »
For the most part I truly believe Everyone has a basic TYPE that they are attracted to with some negotiating involved. Often times we may have raised/lowered the bar and made exceptions. I remember after ending one relationship and dateless for a period of time, I went out and hooked up with someone that I would have never even imagined going home with. Had that proverbial “ITCH” that needed to be scratched and wallah it happened. I knew a couple people that had hooked up with this Guy, heard the tales and thought…….Why not, no one else needs to know… Read more »
The most honest response on this page, damn!
Hella YEAH man – I can DEF relate to THAT situation!!!! Many many times 🙂 LOLOLOL
I can relate to That completely and appreciate your honesty. For years I only seemed to date the HOT Guys, the Eye Candy and was never really fulfilled and just had regular disappointments when it came to meeting expectations. Finally I was introduced to a friend of a friend and things changed. What looked like a mismatch considering my past with Guys, this Guy got my attention and held it. Friends of mine questioned “What do you see in him, doesn’t seem your type at all and who would have thought……” crap like that. Well, little do they know this… Read more »
That’s right sometimes looks can be deceiving. But they can also turn out to be the opposite! They can be a hottie and for you to discover they have lifestyles or “ways” that you may not be into or care for that contradicted what you imagined. Ex. they’re heavy drinker/smokers,drugs,..or into leather/tattoos/extensive piercings or well… they’re one of those rightious “veggie heads”.
May I add that you know what I said about things can be the opposite? Well I’ve been passed over by average guys? They’re not like some teen heart throb but not bad looking neither,usually younger guys. But I always keep in mind they have some little things I should be ready for, well like they may weird habits or they may be 19 but they may have a more immature/sillier side or irresponsible than you anticipated like they were 13-15 still, or frighteningly don’t measure consequences,etc.
If he has a good looking dick I’m in. A good looking guy is great but I’ve sucked some ok looking guys that had great cocks
Can’t wait for the lying queens up try to on here and say they don’t matter at all.
Of course looks matter, this question is Ike asking if you’d rather live in your dream home,or a studio in an 8th floor walk up with shared bathroom and a hot plate and four foot cubic fridge as your kitchen, in the worst part of town.
Older bi-married, experienced hooker-upper. My criteria in order: 1. age 2. looks 3. safety 4. comparable sexual interests. If they don’t pass my 1,2 and 3 tests, I move on.
DO you CARD them ALL for your NUMBER ONE Criteria DUDE?!?!!? 🙂 LOLOLOL I’ll TAKE looks over AGE any day of the YEAR for ETENITY!!!!!!! 🙂
Though you’re just being nasty, I will tell you that one time I did card a guy. He said he was 19 and I thought that’s awfully close to being a minor so I insisted he take a pic of his drivers license and send it to me, which he did, just put his thumb over his name/address. We hooked up – great sex and he certainly was 19.
COOL man – I’d do the SAME and I’m NOT being nasty, DUDE!!! Just stating a SIMPLE FACT!! You can’t do anything about your AGE but if you are HOT as FUCK I’ll TAKE a chance no MATTER what your BIRTH YEAR is!!!! 🙂
Yes, physical attraction is often how we select someone for “first contact.” But it only goes so far with me. Attitude, conversation, personal hygiene, and other factors can quickly overpower the physical attraction.
When I first came out I was very selective in who I would even associate with based on a TRUST Issue and not wanting all people to know my business. As time went on and often times did things with other people not so much in my circle of friends, I experimented sexually. As long as someone is nice/pleasant (no pissy Queens), clean, decent build and average to attractive I was willing to explore the possibilities. I eventually discovered the really GL Guys were too self absorbed with themselves, generally lousy in bed and not worth the bother.Give me average… Read more »
Sex, as with food, “we eat with our eye’s” especially, men; being so very “visual” as we are. However, you character, energy, etc., comes into play. It’s never, ever been ‘just’ about looks alone, personally.
Yes, as looks spark attraction and lust when hooking up. Dating, I think they might initially help until you really get to know them. And then as you date, they either become beautiful no matter what others perceive or they become ugly to you based on their personality.
Sounds a lot like what I stop to think and consider. I wish and hope for like the first part and fear and dread the possibility of the second part of you statement.
Ive been with some facially unattractive men. Who were amazing lovers. Ive been with some gorgeous men who were terrible! So… with that said one should not judge a book by its cover. Im more into what his dick looks like. Weight is a factor as well. Cleanliness a big factor not only himself but his place.
I’m a Latino…And we have two sayings, translated to English “Faces we see, hearts we don’t know” and “There is never a good-looker(guapo) without defect or a troll(feo) without charm”.
If it just hooking up looks don’t matter as much. Especially if he has a big dick and he’s fucking. Most guys that have huge dicks usually aren’t very good looking. I love when an big dick beastly man spreads my big thighs and takes over.
Looks ALWAYS play a part in things.
If not, you’re only interested in something else (like $).
I think visual appearance can certainly be the first draw for someone. I’m considered attractive, but I don’t think that is the sole reason someone is with me, if there’s any hope of developing a relationship. I’ve met some guys who were okay in the looks department, but when there was a genuine connection in communication, I found them more attractive and appealing. A person’s true heart is more important than looks. But if it is just a hookup, I guess looks are the only thing that will matter to each other. There is nothing wrong with that if that is… Read more »
Well! I didn’t think anyone else could see it like that too! As for me I haven’t come across that latter part in a while. Hey I come across a few before though they didn’t look like they fell out of a teen mag,but they weren’t exactly bad looking neither! Well maybe what I’m getting at is, as for me I kind of like them a little “unpolished”. If I find some young dude in just jeans/cargos and Tshirt looks good to me then I can only imagine him all cleaned and gussied up (whether in formal or just slicked… Read more »
Looks matter… to a point. I’ve fallen for sharp-dressed, gorgeous guys who were total disappointments once the clothes came off. Meanwhile, some “just okay” guys turned out to be unforgettable.
Yes,that is everyone,to each his own
OF COURSE….What a dumb question??????????/
It matters a lot, but only at first. If you don’t have something deeper to give, it’s pathetic.
For me weight plays a part. I’m not attracted to someone that’s morbidly obese. An extra 20lbs, though, is not a big deal. If you limit yourself to facial beauty, there’s a good chance you’re missing out on some great sex. Remember, everybody is beautiful in the dark.
HELLA yeah – we ALL look the SAME when the lights are OFF!! 🙂
Profile pictures and added profile text are usually the source of my first impression of a potential date/hookup.
Puppy dog eyes and or a real smile get my attention. Added text keeps it.
If he looks like a thug or appears to be angry or unhappy I’ll pass on by.
Abs are nice. But love handles drive me crazy. Especially on the 18 to 25 guys.
Bottom line, if you don’t make an effort to look your best in your picture then I won’t make the effort to hit you up.
My top priority is a large cut cock…young or old…I like please a large cock…
For a FWB/ Hook up, not really. As long as you don’t look like you’ve been run through a wood chipper. Average looks, disease free, a nice size dick, friendliness, common sense and literacy, promptness goes a long way with me. So I really don’t care about the “too good to be true” guys. Some guys with more than above average looks (just like some women) are often down low community property or as I call it “A Verizion Share Plan”. Don’t get mad @ me, I see it all the time, just saying ¯\(ツ)/¯
Looks definitely matters. Looks get the juices flowing.
Looks, are not always what they’re cracked up to be, unless of course it’s just “hooking up” which I rarely do by choice. Most of the gay men here in Soflo, can’t even hold a decent conversation, regardless of their education, they’re like adolescents, they speak with few words, never in sentences, that’s how I know they’re natives. You have to pump these fuckers for convo; they can only sex, of which they’re usually all “total bottoms” they’re thinking I’m too stupid to figure them/their game out, btw, they’re usually “positive” they call it the dirty south for a reason,… Read more »
Looks to matter. I’m attracted to men who look and act like males. Guys who are intelligent, respectful, hard working, and successful in life. Great faces and great bodies are fine. Dad bods with some extra weight are too. What you see after that is what makes them attractive … or not.
What “looks” are we talking about?? For a hook-up, I don’t care one iota if his face looks like a train wreck. I do care what his butt looks like and if it’s not round with some meat to it, I’m not interested. I have no interest in a man’s dick so..it can 2 inches or 12 inches – don’t care. I have no idea what to do with a dick (other than my mine).
CUM visit me and I’ll SHOW you what to DO with it SEXY Josh!!! Never too LATE to LEARN some NEW TRIX, lover man :)!!! LOLOLOL
Hey baby, I got 9 inches that will give your ass a religious experience. Open your mind and let your ass follow.
When I hook up, it is usually with a variety of different types of men. And honestly, I don’t go by looks, I go by chemistry or if I am really horribly horny. I have been with guys I was attracted to of all age groups. I am mostly a top, so I don’t focus on looks, mostly just getting ass. I don’t like to bttm for guys I am not attracted to. It’s too intimate for me. As a top I can disconnect myself from the person, unless I am feeling them and attracted to them. The same a… Read more »
Of course. No ug(ho)moes. Part of my turn on is how a man looks, how he manages himself, how he dresses. I follow the Pecker Rule. Does my pecker like him/react to him? I’m not dating sexuality, I’m dating and in ltrs with men I find both attractive and pleasing to the eye.