(Photo Credits: Asier Romero from Shutterstock)
Sometimes, the truths that shape our gay lives aren’t the ones written in affirming think pieces or expressed in rainbow-colored ads. They’re found in awkward nights, painful realizations, and small lessons learned in between hookups, heartbreaks, friendships, and late-night conversations. This is what a gay man online had recently asked about: “What’s something the gay world taught you that no one wants to admit?” He added, “Let me learn from y’all.”
Many gay men shared their unfiltered reflections online, and some of the insights may resonate with us more deeply than we’d like to admit. Take a look at what some of them have to say below.
One guy responded: “There’s no better liar than a man who wants to fuck you. Top or bottom, it doesn’t matter… gay, straight or whatever, a man will shift into a whole another person just to get you.” Someone replied to him and said, “Which is why we must not trust those STD declarations. Wrap it up boys.” It’s a reminder of the importance of protecting yourself and remembering that lust can easily blur truth—especially in a world where attention is an important currency.
Another guy chimed in, “Being gay is really expensive.” From maintaining appearances to keeping up with social outings, fashion, gym memberships, apps, and events—many of us feel the pressure to spend to belong. There’s unspoken judgment, sometimes, if you don’t look or live a certain way.
In addition, several men admitted to the darker sides of the community. One said, “Gays aren’t immune to being assholes—in fact sometimes they are worse than bullies.” Another guy wrote, “Other than the few gems scattered here and there, our community is pretty shallow and broken. Maybe that comes from the collective trauma of nearly the entire world hating our existence.” These responses are raw and reflect the ongoing impact of internalized homophobia, exclusion, and trauma.
Meanwhile, there’s one powerful, introspective comment and it reads, “Gay men in general are sad, insecure, and broken by the trauma of the closet. They never really heal, so they engage in bitchy, petty behaviors to feel better about themselves. Many shroud their insecurities and broken selves behind a temporary armor of muscles.” But another user was quick to push back, reminding everyone that healing is possible: “You don’t heal unless you intentionally want to heal and grow as a person. That takes self-awareness and effort. But you aren’t permanently ‘broken’. You can absolutely live a happy, fulfilling life outside of the closet.”
Still, someone noted that the community has depth if you know where to look: “That the community can teach you a lot if you approach it with an open mind and an open heart. Some of those lessons are hard and negative—but not all are.”
Others summed it up simply: “You can’t trust anyone. Even ‘Family.'” While that might sound jaded, it comes from lived experiences that aren’t always shared openly.
Having said all that, what about you, Adam4Adam blog readers? What has the gay world taught you? What have you seen, heard, felt or experienced in the community that no one really talks about but should? Was it a hard lesson or a gentle truth? Drop your thoughts in the comments section down below!
accept yourself as God intended not as society intends… .
God doesn’t exist.
neither does common sense
There you go, trying to force your opinion on everyone! Who made you gatekeeper of everyone’s beliefs and opinions, John?!
I bet you wouldn’t dare tell a Muslin that Allah doesn’t exist- yet Christians and God are open season for your ridicule. That’s the thing about your type, at the heart of it you’re nothing but hypocrites!
I’m not forcing you to believe anything, sugartits. I’m simply informing you of something. You’re free to believe irrational nonsense and superstition and ignore reason if you please. Be my guest.
And you’re wrong: I’ve told dozens of Muslims that Allah doesn’t exist. Before you go making blanket assumptions about people you don’t know, you might want to verify what you’re saying is actually true. But you believe in God, so I’m sure empirical evidence, reason, and the ability to form a hypothetical syllogism are all beyond your ken.
The only thing I’ve ever learned is that there is no ‘gay community.’ My sexuality isn’t my entire personality. It doesn’t dictate my music, fashion, nor my political leanings. The ‘gay community’ are little more than hive-minded individuals with little to no life beyond their sexuality. These are the self-appointed gatekeepers of how to be gay. Step out of line with an original thought or opinion of your own- and beware! It’s unfortunate that the only Homophobia I’ve ever experienced has been from the ‘gay community’ itself, as well as liberal ‘gay allies.’ There are as many different ‘ways to… Read more »
The “gay community” is absolutely a thing. It’s the entire set of people who identify as gay. Being a member of the gay community doesn’t mean that your tastes and preferences have to align with those of the prevailing gay culture. You have pretty simplistic black-and-white thinking here that it would probably benefit you to reassess. Frankly, it’s bizarre that in one breath you mention “exclusive events and spaces” in a negative way (when it’s for gay people), but then mention how you go out of your way to mention “bi/straight, no gay men” on your profile. The cognitive dissonance… Read more »
So what about the ‘straight community’? Oh, that’s right, there isn’t one! Because ‘normal’ people, straight, gay, or bi, know that your sexuality doesn’t constitute a ‘community.’ Nor does their sexuality need to be ‘celebrated’, and isnt anything to be ‘proud’ of!
If you need constant validation of your sexuality by surrounding yourself with the most vapid underclass homosexuals, then go for it! As for me, I’ll pass!
Au contraire. There is a straight community. It’s the set of all people who identify as heterosexual. Why is this so hard?
And of course, I knew it wouldn’t be long before we came out with the latent – not not-so-latent – homophobia: straight people are “normal” and gay people aren’t. Just tell us that you want to barf every time you look in the mirror. It would have taken fewer syllables.
Right off the bat, when I first started the coming out process (way back in the Pleistocene), I found out who my TRUE friends were. Those who were homophobic straight or closeted just about immediately said, “Be friends with a queer? I’m outta here!” But those who were true friends have remained friends through all these decades. This “weeding out” was unexpectedly advantageous and, as this article is themed, a great lesson learned.
The lesson that I learned is the loyalty, among the gay guys I’ve come across. I chose to be closeted. I have sex with openly gay guys and guys who are closeted. I tell them upfront that I’m discreet. So far, I have never been outed. I treat the guys I’m involved with; with dignity and respect.
How can you have “sex with openly gay guys” and be “discreet”? That doesn’t make any sense. Either people (or most people) know you’re gay, or they don’t.
there are those who have their suspicions or an inkling, too… .
If you have either of those, you’re not discreet. Discreet means, by definition, not raising any concerns or suspicions; flying under the radar. Suspecting someone of being gay is the opposite of that.
I’m with Matt here. Same bi-closeted status and I’ve had plenty of amazing sex with both openly gay guys and closeted types like me. Same results and aftermath: never been outed, treat my sex partners well, they respect my secret, I respect who they are, and all’s well in the world.
Living is a closeted life sounds so … liberating. Where do I sign up? Does this package come with 2.3 children and a picket fence? Fascinating stuff.
I’ve learned that my homosexual needs and heterosexual needs fall within the parameters that, I need and wants friends. If the friendship works for them it works for me.
I’ve learned, particularly on this site since I’ve been on it longer than the other gay sites, that the MAJORITY of gay men are liars, beggars, thieves, prostitutes or just plain full of #@$! Makes we want to tolerate women again…
Gays are their own worst enemy…judgy judgy…men are whores and are only looking for the next fuck or blowjob..straight and gay…and everyone thinks their shit is the flavour of the day…the sad part is that those who are about the community and work to help those who need it ..and there are lots who do…are the ones you don’t see because the scene is just overbearing with attitude…the glitter doesn’t last forever..be kinder
There are real shades of gay, just like the Kinsey Scale says. The sex is different along that scale, and there are mixtures, and men who have to somehow prove their gayness. Some graduate from that school, others don’t flunk out, rather, find themselves between the str8 and gay worlds, waffling back and forth along the scale. To those not-heteronormative, hugs. It’s different for all of us. Once you discover that being gay isn’t all about you, you can live. Others don’t want to know, or don’t care, don’t have energy, and might have fear and anxiety. Like the rubric… Read more »