Sex: Can You Be Gay and Not Want Anal Sex?

(Photo Credits: VladOrlov from Shutterstock)

Is anal sex a requirement for being gay—or just a stereotype we’ve learned to accept? This is the question of a gay man who sparked a conversation online when he asked, “Can you be gay and not like anal sex?”

One of the most direct responses cut straight to the point, challenging the idea that sexuality comes with required activities. As one commenter put it, “You can be gay and not like anything.” It’s a reminder that being gay isn’t a checklist. Attraction, not anal sex, defines orientation.

In addition, one guy offered the right term for it; he said, “Yep, it’s referred to as a ‘Side’.” The term “side” has gained traction over the last decade, giving men who don’t enjoy anal sex a way to describe themselves without apology. For many, having a word for it can feel validating in itself.

Another commenter agreed with the original poster (OP). “Absolutely. It does limit your options in the dating pool, but there are others out there who also prefer not having anal sex.” This shows that many gay men know their preferences are valid, but also navigating a dating culture that often centers on anal sex as the default can be tricky.

Meanwhile, some responses leaned into humor to make a serious point. One gay man joked, “Until about 15 years ago, the committee would revoke your gay card and send you to conversion therapy to become straight if you didn’t like anal. Luckily, they changed the rules and invented a new position called a ‘side.’” Beneath the sarcasm is a real critique of how rigid and judgmental gay sexual norms used to be, and sometimes still are.

On the other hand, several men zoomed out and reframed the question entirely. One response reads, “You can be gay and never have sex, period! Orientation is between your ears, not between your legs.” Sexual orientation is about who you’re attracted to, not what sexual acts you do or don’t. Some gay men are asexual, celibate by choice, in long dry spells, or simply uninterested in sex, and none of that makes them any less gay.

Further, others pointed out that gay sex has never been limited to anal sex. As one commenter said plainly, “There is a lot more to gay sex than anal.” Intimacy, pleasure, and connection take many forms, and reducing gay sex to anal penetration alone erases that diversity.

Finally, a data-driven comment challenged assumptions with humor layered on top: “I’ve heard only ~50% of sexually active gay men actually participate in anal sex. So, I’d say yes.” That prompted a tongue-in-cheek reply from another guy: “It’s true because 90% are bottoms. We have a top shortage pandemic.” Jokes aside, the exchange highlights how exaggerated stereotypes often overshadow reality.

What this conversation makes clear is that liking—or not liking—anal sex doesn’t determine whether someone is “gay enough.” It simply describes what they enjoy. As labels like “side” become more accepted and conversations about compatibility grow more open, gay spaces are gradually making room for a wider range of preferences.

Having said all that, what about you, Adam4Adam blog readers? Have you ever felt pressured to like something you didn’t? Do labels like top, bottom, or side help—or do they feel limiting? How do you navigate dating when your preferences don’t match your partner’s or hookup’s expectations? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below!