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What does it really mean to “lose your gay virginity”? For some guys, it’s about physical acts—penetration, usually. For other gay men, it’s emotional: the moment they feel seen, vulnerable, or intimate with another man. And for a lot of us, it’s complicated. Like this closeted bi man who recently shared his story online and sparked a big conversation. He wrote:
Hey, so I’m a closeted bi guy. I started exploring male sexuality via erotic massages. I always put a line as ‘no penetration (giving or receiving)’ because I thought that that was the line of technical virginity. Occasionally a guy would poke my hole from the outside, but not go in. If someone was pushing, I’d clench my ass and not let them in.
Anyway, recently I was having a massage that got … playful. I told the guy my line and he said that it was no problem. I had told him he could poke from the outside but not go in. I felt relaxed that he agreed to the rules. At one point he spread my legs and was poking from the outside and I was clenching. He applied lube and kept poking and he went in a little. I told him ‘hey, we said no penetration’ and he said ‘it’s not, look, I’m barely in’ and he kept thrusting slowly to that same depth. I promise I’m not writing this as an erotic story. I wanted to ‘keep my virginity’, for guilt reason to be honest (please don’t mock my personal beliefs), but I’m not sure what counts as having lost it. Did what he did count as taking my ass? Is virginity any kind of anal, or is it only giving? I know it’s subjective, but my mind hasn’t stopped for the last 3 weeks since it happened.
The gay internet had thoughts—and not all of them were about virginity itself. Here’s how other gay men weighed in, along with some reflections and advice.
One guy replied, “If religious women over the last hundred can still say they’ve got their virginity intact after engaging in exactly that mechanic, you’re good too.” This is a lighthearted take that makes an important point: lots of people draw the line differently, especially when they’re trying to hold onto beliefs rooted in shame or purity. You’re allowed to define it your way.
On the other hand, one gay man said, “Yes, your virginity is gone. No, it doesn‘t matter at all. You should be more concerned with the fact that your sex partner did not respect your boundaries.” This is key. No matter where you draw the line, your limits should be honored. The bigger issue isn’t the label of virginity—it’s that someone crossed a boundary you clearly set.
In addition, a guy commented, “Oh yeah, your hole has been fingered, it’s no longer a virgin hole.” Blunt and cheeky, but this kind of response shows how different the definitions are. For some, any penetration at all means virginity lost.
Meanwhile, someone pointed out, “Virginity is a social construct invented by religion to serve as a mark for women.” This one is a popular point. Many in the queer community have questioned why we still hold onto concepts like “virginity” when they often come from cultures that tried to erase or shame us.
Further, a commenter advised, “Just tell yourself you’re still a virgin if it makes you feel better.” It might sound flippant, but it’s actually empowering. You own your body and your story. If it brings peace, call it what you want.
Lastly, one gay man observed, “The mental gymnastics, wow.” This comment reads more as a wry observation than a judgment. It highlights just how complex and layered our personal definitions of intimacy and boundaries can be—especially when emotions, identity, and societal norms and expectations all collide. It’s a quick way of saying, “This is complicated,” without diminishing the original poster’s (OP) experience.
Having said all that, if you’re asking whether you lost your virginity, the better question might be: Why does this matter so much to me? Is it about shame? Control? Morality? Validation? It’s okay to feel confused, especially if you’re navigating sex, queerness, and religion all at once. But it’s important to remember: virginity is not a biological reality—it’s a label. And labels should serve you, not trap you.
Also: someone crossed a line with you. You said no. He went in a little anyway. That is not okay. Your boundaries matter, and you’re allowed to enforce them without guilt. Being closeted or new to intimacy does not make your body less worthy of respect.
You might want to explore these feelings with someone you trust or even a gay-friendly therapist. You’re not alone, and this confusion doesn’t make you broken. You’re growing, and growth is messy—but beautiful.
Anyway, what do you think, Adam4Adam blog readers: what does losing your gay virginity mean to you? Is it penetration, emotion, trust—or something else? Did you wrestle with guilt, fear, or confusion around your first experiences? Let us know down below what you wish you’d known when you were younger.
Always been puzzled by the negative term “losing you virginity”. Like you misplaced something or was robbed.
Sex is a wonderful thing. Shouldn’t it “finding your sexuality?’
it comes from the concept of being untouched and therefore whole. it is a misplaced perception.
Virginity is sacred.
Sex is overrated.
You, and most, will never know the virtue of holding virginity.
It is one of the few things everybody has that, once lost, can never be reclaimed.
People who’ve given theirs up often denigrate the very idea of keeping it, and they reject virginity AS virtue. But that’s only because they don’t have it.
we have a winner for the Cry Asleep in His Pillow over the Parish Priest reassignment award. What a wuss!
There is no such thing as sacred or holy. Religion is fake, as is calling anything sacred.
in absolute terms, losing one’s Virginity is simply engaging in sex for the first time realistically, it’s the first time the pole-goes-up-the-hole!
I kinda agree. I remember the first time I had sex, I fucked a girl. Then I remembered later in life, I fucked a guy for the first time. Then I got to courage to get fucked by a guy for the first time. The top was experienced, so it was great.
so in absolute terms, the first time you jacked off virginity was over. Definitely a drama queen
That’s not true, it’s not even what he said, man. Read again, more carefully.
spare me the drama queen routine! You simply stretched the point I made to breakage.
If you’re not with another person, you haven’t lost your virginity.
Once a man has his pussy taken it’s a wrap. Once a man takes another man’s pussy it’s also a wrap. It’s really that simple.
pussy isn’t an asshole. might want to get an anatomy chart
Ok bussy. Whatever makes one more comfortable.
Even stupider
If there’s some “official” definition of virginity loss, I’m guessing that means taking it up the ass for the first time. But to me, what “counts” is the overall experience of getting intimate with a guy, fucking or not. That said, my first such experience was memorable because I bottomed, topped, sucked and got sucked – I got the whole 9 yards right out of the gate. I was 18 and it was the late ’70s, but that’s when I lost my homo-virginity.
you got the whole kit and kaboodle!
So whenever you get a prostrate exam it’s love?
I was 14 when I lost my virginity with my best friend of same age. We sucked and fucked each other for the first time and we both loved it. Did that for about 2 years until we both moved to different cities and lost touch.
what porn flick did that plot come?
Same place you get yours from.
I was 18
The one with the pizza man delivering sausage along with pizza
just for clarification, when you specified your age of 14, did you use the Gregorian Calendar or the Jewish Calendar?
Damn it’s was that easy for you to take a cock at 14? You took it on the first try ? You were wild!
It wasn’t easy in the beginning but we were two horny teenagers.
Once the cherry is popped, still remeber mine , it was euphoric
I’m bi and I always considered losing my virginity when I had sex with my girlfriend when I was 17. After reading this article and comments I’m questioning if I lost my virginity in the 8th grade when a friend who was a year older fucked my ass and came inside of me (or when I fucked him).
Yes, if a guy not only had his cock inside of you but even came inside (bred) you, you definitely lost your virginity that day!
If you climax in any way while being touched by another person, you’ve lost your virginity. It’s a mental/emotional excitement leading to physical climax that now defines you as a sexual being. So it doesn’t matter if a hole was penetrated or not.
Sounds like a Rom Com plot. It’s fucking dude
‘
After copulation. ‘Nuf said.
In response to the one who said “…your hole has been fingered, it’s no longer a virgin hole.” I totally disagree. I had a physical. The doc said that he needed to check my prostate. I pulled down my pants. He put on a latex glove, and spread some lube, and you know the rest….
If you have ever played sports, this had probably happened to you. But that act alone is not when I lost my virginity, I can assure you.
Just like a girl who has only been fingered is considered a virgin, same for a guy. Take a cock inside, then we have a different story. That sounds really good to me right now too. lol
when they take it balls deep
I think virginity has to do more with fucking than anything. Since guys can fuck or be fucked, it would be if either has happened to them. I have fucked both men and women and been fucked by a man MANY times. I know that I am not a virgin by any definition. Hahaha!! I have also sucked and swallowed and been sucked and swallowed, so I can’t hide behind oral sex either.
I believe the whole concept of “virginity” dates back to the original Judeo-Christian doctrine/values. It was when a man or woman first had penetrating sex. There was nothing built into the equation to address those reprehensible homosexual encounters (please note the sarcasm). To me, I believe that I lost my virginity twice. Once when I first fucked a girl and the second time, when a guy fucked me. Now, not really sure it matters, but loss of virginity 2, came before loss of virginity 1. Bottom line, the loss of virginity is a personal thing and everyone should be entitled… Read more »
In gay terms, anal or oral sex happens between two men, but more, to do with anal sex.
It’s more than just intercourse or penetration. Fundamentally, when an individual enters into a sexual act with another, they are out of virginity.
Id have to say 1st penetration would be the ultimate loss
I considered myself no longer virgin when I had my dick inside a partner for the very first time.
That was the only definition when I was a teen. I didn’t even think about MM sex then though. I think if I guy takes a dick inside of him, he is also no longer a virgin
Like everybody else…sex of any kind = virginity gone.
What is male virginity. There are many definitions. As a young teen i remember a friend who wouldn’t masturbate because he was saving himself for marriage. I doubt he never had an emission before he was married. A first male kiss could be the end of you virginity in a way. I know after I had mine I suddenly began looking at guys in a sexual way for the first time. I was 20 before I lost my anal cherry to an older guy who got me drunk on saki and 420. I didn’t even remember until the next AM.… Read more »
Someone who violates your spoken limits is assaulting you.
The first time you have sex with a person is when you lose your virginity.
The first time you have sex with a man, it is just that.
The first time you have sex with a woman it is just that.
There is no “sexual orientation” for losing your cherry. It can’t be “popped” twice
true, but you can take two bites from a cherry, front to back or left to right
been useing toys for yrs never had the honor of real in me . does that make me virgin yet?
The first time you take someone else’s cum in either orafice!
Yes our definition of virgin can differ. Does it matter? Who cares? For the most part, the only guys who care are those trying to keep their “virginity”. Whatever that is.
I have been with a few guys that were new to gay sex, none were concerned with losing anything.