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How did gay and bisexual men navigate the dating scene before the advent of gay dating apps like Adam4Adam? As you all know, we’ve been around since 2003 and indeed, 20 years is a long time, long enough for the dating culture to change.
Anyway, we are asking because a curious gay man posted the same question online. The original poster (OP) explained: “I was just curious because back then being gay wasn’t as accepted as it is today, I even remember some people were fired from their jobs just because they were gay but I digress.” He added, “I’ve read about the handkerchief code but wasn’t sure if that was only regional to California or what not. Just curious.”
“It really wasn’t that mysterious. You met at a bar or wherever and hooked up or exchanged numbers. It was certainly easier in places like San Francisco where you could assume everyone else at the grocery was gay,” one of the gay men on the thread wrote. “The difference I would say is that you had to have the courage to walk up to a stranger and introduce yourself and express interest.”
Adam4Adam blog readers, do you still approach strangers today and ask for their number even with Adam4Adam around?
Further, one gay man shared, and we quote:
You had to meet out doing things.
I met gay people as a teen working at the mall.
I met gay people in college through the gay student group.
I met gay people through gay rights groups.
And then I moved to San Francisco and met gay people everywhere.
By the time I came out in the mid-80s the hanky code thing was pretty much over.
I think that was a 70s thing. Maybe early 80s.
Meanwhile, some replied, “Actual dating was better. There was known cruising sites, if that was what you were looking for, with the added bonus of everyone knowing it was a one-off thing.” He then added, “It’s sad to watch guys looking for something serious on hookup apps nowadays. If you wanted something serious back then, you had to put in the work of actually getting to know someone and make it work. Seems to be a lost skill now.”
Do you agree with the man above, guys? Does no one invest time and effort in genuinely getting to know and understand others to make relationship work anymore?
Having said all that, which do you think is better: traditional dating or online dating? In what way? What are the differences between the two?
Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below!
Guys don’t want to admit that now they demand picture proof of someone before they will even talk to them. Gone are the days when you had to risk meeting in person. Gay bars are only places to hang with friends or shame the rare closet case.
I have been banned from Grindr and obviously I dont’ know why, does anyone know how to get reinstated? I already asked a total deletion of all my data using art. 17 and 18 GDPR, but they keep me banned anyways. Any help?
Thanks a lot.
Use someone else’s phone to get started, I guess, or change your ip address. Or, forget about it, it’s not worth using.
I’ve got kicked out of Grindr on multiple occasions. I finally got sick of asking how exactly I was violating their terms of service. Grindr can go fuck itself.
Grindr is an expensive playground that is full of catfish, hackers and scammers. I tried it for a while and could tell pretty fast what a horrible app it was.
It was really hard meeting people for me especially being I always been closeted. My first transaction with men were at two local adult book stores. The problem was we never really communicated in there. We used head and hand gestures only and it was strictly sex in booths or the bathroom. Then it was 2 rest stops in the area that guys used to cruise. That was dangerous and risky especially at night. My other concern was hoping not to meet guys there that knew me and may out me. We use to blink our lights to let other… Read more »
The young ones totally don’t understand street cruising and it’s signature rhythm. That was the main activity, but there were also personals ads, which were fun to read. One had to rely far more on going to events, bars, community centers, etc. It was difficult. And gay men generally moved to large cities.
People used to throw parties and dinners all the time. You could also hang out at a friend’s house and other people might be there. It was human. No technology at all.
I think I “missed out” on the hanky code “thing.” Seemed like it wasn’t much of a “thing” around Texas, and seemed over by the ’80’s or ’90’s. I remember cruising spots, parks or restrooms, those peep booths, all the bars and baths. Sometimes personals’ ads.
I remember first hearing about that bandana code when I saw the 1980 movie “Cruising.”
I think the hanky code thing was only popular in San Francisco and NYC. It was a 70s thing. Maybe early 80s too. I remember hearing about it back then, but nobody in my city did it.
And “Cruising” took place in NYC.
Probably out of fashion by the time I was a teen in the 1980’s. I only heard about it as a twenty-something in the 1990’s.
I recall in my 18th year (1984), Toronto Ontario Canada .. i recognized the use of handkerchiefs as a sign indicating what you were into… I thought it to be an inventive and non-invasive waay of communication…and there were dozens and dozens of colours, shades and patterns! An entire sub-culture existed and it was fascinating! I found that the majority of gay guys did not adopte that system just because I hung out at the bars. I excelled at the ‘dance’ of the introductions… the close face to face convo, the different colognes of the era, the fkn epic music,… Read more »
It was a thing for a long time and in some places is still used. I Worked the Parliament House in Orlando way back when.. It was all you saw, Hanky Bandanas…I still see it up here in upstate NY. Sure do miss the Parliament house, they tore it down recently. Hi Ms. P I know you are in heaven with the rest of the performers that were so good there. Now where I live near Utica NY, New Hartford, we do not have a gay bar anymore…It was named “That Place” lol
The time before dating sites and apps was early Internet and before it. Those were the days where you knew your neighbors, people in town, and spent time with family. Everyone knew each other and communicated face-to-face. With the advent of the Internet and Social Media, we have become more connected, but with less quality. Decorum and standards for behavior have eroded. It’s quantity over quality. I didn’t date then because face-to-face meetings were .not possible to arrange. I did go to one club once when out of town. That pretty much was the option of connecting with guys then.… Read more »
“The time before dating sites and apps was early Internet and before it. Those were the days where you knew your neighbors, people in town, and spent time with family.”
You make it sound as if the pre-internet world was Mayberry, USA. It wasn’t. If you live in small town, you still know your neighbors at least to the same extent as you did 50 years ago. If you live in a large city, you didn’t know your neighbors even 50 years ago.
Well for me it all started in highschool. My first bf was in 11th grade at age 16…. We were in the same math class and it was an instant attraction, started off as friends but quickly sparks flew! From there I met a few others from school, malls, friend of friends etc. I think apps like Grindr, A4A have taken the social aspect away a bit and made these less personal but more convenient.
Bars
As a 63-yr-old lifelong bi-married closet case, who lived in Manhattan in the pre-online late ’70s – early ’80s, before they transformed Times Square from a seedy dump to a more family-oriented area, I would walk around 42nd St. and 8th Ave. to all the adult bookstores cruising for sex. I’d go into the gay sections where guys would linger around and eventually would find someone to go into the peep booths with for BJs or go back to one of our homes. It was creepy, dingy and the pickins’ weren’t ideal, but it worked back then, especially since we… Read more »
I discovered the magic of Times Square when i had my first summer job in Manhattan as a messenger-I also got used to being followed-at first it freaked me out but then I got used to it and thought it was great-Times Square to me was a magical carnival of life -pimps hookers escorts drug dealers small time gangsters etc etc- I loved it and got picked often and went back to someone’s apartment or hotel room. There were a number of seedy hotels where you could get a room for $10 -they knew you weren’t staying all night so… Read more »
You had more guts than me, man. I’m curious what block of years you did all that? Mine were around 1978-1984. I only went into those bookstores along “the Deuce” and up 8th Ave. Funny thing: My first couple of times I felt like I was stepping inside cages at a zoo to check out all “these creatures.” But I quickly came to realize they were just (mostly) normal guys there for the same thing I was.
My favorite was the gym, showers and steam room. Nothing like working out hard, getting worked up with other hot guys, making good eye contact to figure out if this is someone that’s interested in some fun and then hitting the showers and steam room. I can’t tell you how many hot as hell hookups happened there especially with guys that I never imagined would be interested. Brings back such good memories. One by one the gyms shut down steam rooms and there went some of my favorite after workout activities.
I met my first husband that left me a couple of million dollars worth of a business and a home in Marin, on the block all the hustlers worked in Portland, Oregon. It was called camp on SW Third and Yamhill. I met my current husband of 30 years, with a Phd and a multi million dollar fortune at the Watergarden bath house in San Jose. So yeah, I did just fine without online dating.
Do you think anyone is impressed by your nonsense?
LOL! Having an abundant life is not nonsense. Beats just scrapping by, on whatever scraps you can collect from a miserable existence. Sorry, but there will always be someone smarter, richer, prettier, more desirable and lastly… hung bigger than you.
This kind of question makes me feel so old.
“We didn’t need dating sites and apps. We met guys the old-fashioned way while walking five miles to school through the snow, uphill, both ways.”
I remember being the shy wallflower in gay bars and meeting places. My first experiences were at gloryholes, before there was an actual medical name for the “gay cancer”. Large percentage of the guys at the bar had been out for years, had exboyfriends…and I was nervous enough simply trying to talk to anyone who didnt run away. I did make a friend and he did teach me the ART of cruising. He actually turned the wallflower into someone that could walk up to a stranger and push my tongue into a guy’s mouth before I asked his name…
There is no question dating was better before the internet. In college, i went to bars, night clubs and various cruising spots but i also had the good fortune of growing up in NYC and then i moved to LA in my my mid 20s. The biggest challenge with the internet is it doesn’t in my opinion fulfill the inherent technological promise of being a more efficient way to meet or hook up with guys.. the other thing with the intermet is i think it fosters tunnel vision with respect to who people will allow themselves to become attracte to…fostering… Read more »
When I was in the process of discovering myself back in the early 80’s I was living in Houston. I came out in 1980, and for a short time experienced things I have not seen since AIDS hit the news a few years later. Houston was hoping then and there were plenty of Gay bars for guys to meet and hook up out of. There were also a couple of gay bath houses, which were way to much fun. There were also entire apartment complexes in the Montrose neighborhood where people would leave their front door open while they cruised… Read more »
I believe you as I came out in Chicago in the early eighties and experience adult theaters, bars, cruisy parks, and bath houses. I am 60 now and I think about all the experiences and fun I had then. What I truly miss is going to bars and nightclubs and actually being able to meet someone. I was slow to realize that things had changed where guys go out with their friends and barely interact with anyone in the bar or club that is not their friend. I feel sorry for guys who are looking for a relationship on an… Read more »
The apps are useless. On one, it’s the same sad 20 or so guys online every time I log in at home. On the other every other profile is fishing or fake. I only use them now when I am travelling. The bookstores used to be great. God I miss the glory hole places–so convenient. I recently rejoined at the local bathhouse figuring the guys who were at least willing to leave their couches, drive somewhere and take off their clothes might be more serious about actually playing. So far I as right.
It ‘was’ actually exciting; I don’t recall, the stresses of today’s on-line dating has created, unintentionally, of course. It’s just that those that are more reptilian minded can see people as prey, so, they hunt for victims under cover, of the anonymity of the internet.
In person, encounters; was and is so much better.
Back in the m[id 80’s I used the 976 numbers. I was alao a member of West Coast Swingers magazine. Those got me dick when I wanted to suck someone off. Always worked for me.
Dating before the internet? One word; real. This shield of anonymity keeps people from enjoying life. This out and open crap destroyed gay sex. I preferred the days of “is he or isn’t he?”, all the dishy details the straights were totally unaware of and that risk of getting caught was a lot more heart-pounding. Guys were a lot more masculine (acting) to keep their covers. Everybody worked out, you got what you gave. I loved living in my secret world within the larger world. The end of craigslist was the end of my sex life. The bars have been… Read more »
I don’t want to say it was better or worse but it was different. There were known places to go get off if that is what a guy needed. It was easier to meet people and have conversations. Now many people are still on their phones in bars and I have to wonder why. I leave mine at home because it’s the exactly what I don’t want when I go out to a gay establishment. It’s too easy to be stats and a pic and someone else’s opinion based upon an online conversation from six months ago that was taken… Read more »
There were gay bars and cruising places everywhere. I lived in the south, mainly, but traveled a lot. Damron’s Guide was a must have for those that traveled. It listed all the gay clubs, baths, restaurants, cruising places and rated them all. They also listed if cruising areas were safe or “at your own risk”. Before I learned of Damron’s Guide, I would call the vice squad of the local police department and ask where the gay bars were. It was amazing that they were polite about it, but they would tell me where they were and the addresses. Once… Read more »
It was fun and I think more interesting-there were no gay support or interest groups-you might meet on the street or in a store. There were some gay bars in many cities-sometimes one- or the word was the gay guys sat on the left side of the bar or some similar deal-this was before that hanky nonsense -not sure anyone I knew ever did any of that. Fire Island and Provincetown were great for me and my friends-but there was an art to meeting on the street or in a store or at a concert. Cruising was sort of an… Read more »
There is clearly, one distinct advantage using gay sites or apps or both…
when they arrive at your door,
you can always ignore the bell or close it!
We have to put up with a lot being gay without treating each other with no respect. I bet you’re never the one to ring the bell. Afraid that the person behind the door might be you? Treat each other with respect is a missing quality of a FEW gay men…but it’s not a gay thing. Gay or straight, you would be a jerk! Karma is a Mother F****r!
A4A and similar sites are not dating sites. They are hook up sites in my opinion. WAY WAY back in the early 70s when I came out as a teenager my experience was that if someone was interested they approached you, you would have some small chit chat and perhaps a dance or too and some necking. Then we would exchange phone numbers and, if truly interested, one would call the other and set up a date. Often on this first date sex would ensue and sometimes that wasn’t until another date. For fast hook ups many frequented the bath… Read more »
I was in my 20’s back in the late 70’s and deep in the closet. I randomly picked up a copy of the Philadelphia Gay News from a street box and was amazed to see the classified ads in the back; guys looking for or offering french (oral), greek (anal), active/passive (top/bottom), etc. Send a letter to a PO box at the newspaper and wait a week or 2 for a return letter, hopefully with a phone number. It was frustrating and glacially slow but I met a few 1 time hookups that way.
The Internet job sites took job placement and reduced it seekers looking for their list of requirements and employers looking for theirs. Quick and clean to eject candidates when there wasn’t a quick and exact match of hard lists. Same for dating sites. When requirements don’t match our lists, we swipe. The damage to both is that no exploration takes place to see 1) if the requirements just weren’t listed and 2) if there are other factors which make the candidates more than was found on the quick reviews that are done. Quantity vs. quality …. as it has been… Read more »
The 80’s was a fun time looking. To find more then a dick, I would place an Ad in the “write to me”, section of the NY’s Village Voice. I find in life, your “match” is out there…. just need to find him, and never stop looking, just keep it honest on want you want, and he wants, That includes the level of sex accepted from each other and the level of fun allowed outside the relationship, if any!
It was tough in the Midwest. My experiences of finding new guys was typically some alcohol and lots of time being careful to not get punched in the face. I for one wasn’t as picky back then because it was too hard to find something new.
Bathhouses, bars, cruising on the street, dating someone you meet school or a dance. Or the really sleazy rest stops, public parks, truck stops, bathrooms. Graffiti would tell you when to be there. It was difficult. Especially if you wanted to stay alive. Plus the personals ads, and also phone numbers you could call, and there were dating services. It was more varied, for sure. You could meet someone at a play or a concert.