Would You Date a Vers Guy? Why Some Gay Men Still See Being Vers as an Issue

(Photo Credits: VladOrlov from Shutterstock)

It’s the age-old gay dilemma: tops want bottoms, bottoms want tops — but where does that leave the vers guys? One curious gay man brought up this issue online by asking, “Strict tops/bottoms, why are verse guys such an issue?” and the gay internet didn’t hold back. While being versatile should mean having the best of both worlds, for some it somehow becomes a red flag. From stories of exes crying over their partner’s “vers” confession to bottoms declaring “if he’s bottomed before, he’s tainted,” it’s clear that for some, flexibility in bed still challenges the fantasy. But maybe the real question is — why are we still so afraid of a little flip-fucking fun?

First however, let’s read the rest of the original poster’s statement. He added:

It’s no secret that vers guys are the majority. But I’ve seen quite a few comments and posts about strict tops and bottoms not wanting to get themselves involved with vers men, just strict opposite.

I’m a little bit confused on what the issue is, as strict T/B can always find a true vers guy to B/T for them. The best answer I can find is that it’s a dominance/submission thing and I’ve seen some strict bottoms saying that they don’t like vers guys topping them since they’ve bottomed, which they find ’emasculating,’ and they don’t see them as real men, which I completely disagree with, but if anyone can answer, that’d be great.

It’s one of those recurring discussions that reveal the fascinating contradictions within gay dating culture. For a community that celebrates openness and diversity, preferences can still carry surprisingly rigid expectations, especially when it comes to sexual roles. However, the divide between strict tops, strict bottoms, and versatile guys is more than just bedroom logistics; it touches on ego, sexuality, and even old-fashioned ideas about masculinity.

Many gay men weighed in with their personal experiences and frustrations. One commenter shared a story that perfectly captures how emotionally tangled this topic can get: “I told my ex I enjoy bottoming from time to time and he started crying and felt betrayed.” That short sentence alone says so much about how deeply sexual roles can shape a man’s sense of self-worth and his expectations of his partner.

Another gay man described a similar experience, giving a more detailed look into how role rigidity can erode a relationship. “Yeah, same here. I told my ex (a bottom) early in our relationship that I’m a vers top and have an urge to bottom a few times a year, but I guess he just ignored that. So, one year into our relationship I asked him to top me and while he did, he seemed very uncomfortable and borderline disgusted by it. Later towards the end of our relationship he brought it up and made it seem like I lied to him about not being a total top and how topping made him feel insecure about his penis size. I mentioned that I told him when we started dating and he was like ‘Well I thought that was in the past and that you’d changed.’”

That kind of reaction seem common, how some gay men tie sexual position to their masculinity or self-image. The stigma around versatility often comes from the belief that if a man bottoms, he somehow loses his dominance or his “top” credibility. One vers top wrote, “As a vers top, I notice it mostly with strict bottoms. Since I’ve bottomed before I’m ‘tainted.’ I’ve never had a strict top have an issue with the fact that I’ve topped before.”

And yet, others think the debate is overblown, or even ridiculous. “As a strict bottom, that is such a trivial thing to care about. At the end of the day, if I can get my hole filled, mission accomplished. Don’t need the top’s previous work experience,” one gay man joked, perfectly summing up a more carefree attitude toward the issue at hand.

But not everyone can detach so easily. Another vers guy shared, “I’ve seen this too! Vers guy here, and a strict bottom was talking to me about the prospect of hooking up. He mentions he’s into group situations and he’s fine with me being vers, but says if he sees me bottom at all, he won’t want anything to do with me after that point.”

Meanwhile the double standard is clear as well: a man’s sexual experience is celebrated only when it fits neatly into someone else’s fantasy. Some commenters, however, find that kind of thinking outdated and laughable. “I laugh my ass off at guys who think I can’t top because I’ve bottomed. Such a stupid premise, first, and second wouldn’t you rather a guy who knows what to do because he knows what it feels like? Lol.”

And then, of course, there are those who simply see the fun in fluidity: “Flip fucking is the best though.”

As the conversation unfolded, one thing became clear, being versatile isn’t a flaw, it’s flexibility. It’s knowing your body, what feels good, and being open enough to experience pleasure from both perspectives. Still, in a culture that can be obsessed with labels, that kind of openness can be seen as threatening to those who tie their identity too closely to one role.

Having said all that, we’ll throw this back to Adam4Adam blog readers: have you ever dated someone who had strong feelings about sexual roles? Do you think being versatile challenges traditional notions of masculinity? And more importantly, why do you think this debate still stirs such strong emotions in the gay community today? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below.