(Photo Credits: Ground Picture from Shutterstock)
A gay man online asked, “What do you think about the term ‘straight acting’? Is it a form of internalized homophobia?” Needless to say, his post sparked a lively debate. To unpack this question, let’s define the terms first:
Straight acting typically refers to a gay man whose behavior, mannerisms, or personality align more closely with stereotypical heterosexual male traits. This label often contrasts with the more flamboyant or effeminate traits traditionally associated with gay men in media or culture.
On the other hand, internalized homophobia describes the internal struggle some LGBTQ+ individuals face when they unconsciously absorb societal prejudices against their own sexual orientation and identity. This can manifest as discomfort with one’s own sexual orientation or a desire to distance oneself from stereotypes associated with being gay.
Here’s what some gay men had to say about the term and its implications:
One gay man said, “Nah I think it’s just a way to describe someone. I would say I’m pretty straight acting, but I’m not homophobic and I’m open about my sexuality. I also don’t try and go out of my way to act straight, it’s just my personality and I don’t think people should have to act a specific way because of their sexual orientation.” This perspective suggests that being labeled as straight acting isn’t necessarily rooted in internalized homophobia—it could simply reflect someone’s authentic personality.
Another guy replied, “Some people simply act how they act. There’s no real reason why sexual orientation should change your behavior, so it’s not a must-be thing. The fact that it’s considered as a very valuable trait by some is purely random. In some alternate reality, masc guys are considered the worst ones.” This answer highlights the randomness of societal values placed on traits like masculinity or femininity, questioning why they’re prioritized at all.
Meanwhile, someone said, “As someone who is working out their own internalized homophobia (successfully!) I would say it’s not as black and white as gay guys are either feminine or masculine. Everyone has both masculine and feminine traits, men and women alike! It’s when some gay men fear being perceived as a stereotype and choose to hide natural feminine behaviors that everyone has when it becomes an issue.” This thoughtful response emphasizes authenticity, suggesting that hiding one’s true traits for fear of judgment reflects internalized biases.
Lastly, a gay man replied, “The term itself isn’t the greatest since it implies that it’s ‘straight’ and ‘acting,’ when really it just means ‘not stereotypically gay,’ imo. Sure, internalized homophobia might contribute for some people, but plenty of guys just don’t fall into the common stereotype.” This viewpoint critiques the terminology itself, calling for a more accurate and less loaded alternative.
Having said all that, what do you think, Adam4Adam blog readers?
Have you ever been labeled as “straight acting”? How do you feel about the term? Is it just a descriptor, or does it perpetuate stereotypes and biases within the LGBTQ+ community? Comment down below!
I agree with the article that the term “straight-acting” is wrong. A gay guy with straight guy characteristics may not necessarily be acting. My sexual preference is guys that fit this category, simply because I may have more in common and overall interest, with guys like myself.
I partly agree. But “acting” doesn’t necessarily imply faking it. It can also mean behavior, which is real, not forced. The part I agree with is that I also prefer guys who are straight acting/behaving because I may have more in common with them than effeminate types.
Its okay to disagree. I don’t see where I implied acting as faking it. I simply said if a gay guy is being himself, and he is perceived as straight-acting, then so be it. He’s just being himself.
I totally agree with you
I can enjoy an effeminate type if it is natural and not forced.
…and discreet
Sexist stereotypes are worse than ever in this “identity crises” that people are clinging to. But narcissism is the culprit. Pigeon- holing ( identity insistence)is a menace that gays have invented for another superior moral ground.
It is as bad as stereotyping and very retrogressive.Let people be themselves with no labels. Be that part of the 70s/80s.
It never ceases to amaze me how petty and whiney some gays guys can get over crap that doesn’t matter. In this instance it’s a mere descriptor that attempts to describe a behavioral variable. This pigeon-holing, as you aptly call it, is a direct result of the narcissism that grips them. I believe it’s the same narcissism that prevents quite a few of them from being able to hold a relationship together or even find somebody to date in the first place because, in their mind, everybody has to be like them or there’s something wrong with the other guy.… Read more »
The common narcissism is part of the too-common mental illness in the gay community, more or less. So are overly self-controlling attitudes, which lead to constrained behavior, inability to make friends, shaving or waxing body hair, over-grooming, etc.
The term “straight-acting” in itself is not problematic, but it does recognize the concern a discreet person might have about being outed by overt behaviors by the person met online. It is a fact that not all people want to advertise, because everyone is not in the same circumstances. I think a better term might be “non-flamboyant” or “mainstream mannerisms” meaning they just blend in with the general population. They might also say not into public displays of affection or public demonstrations of gay orientation. The real issue is respect of circumstances. Years ago, I agreed to meet someone for… Read more »
Oh man, you hit it dead on. Long time married here and I’m no rookie at totally discreet gay sex hookups. What you described over that lunch is exactly why I won’t meet guys in public first. The most I’ll go is somewhere discreet, such as a parking lot or remote street corner to see if we’re a sexual match, but as nice as it seems to either have a drink or meal to make sure we’re a match before taking things further, what happened to you is what terrifies me. I’ll take it one degree further: You said you… Read more »
I try not to meet guys in my city just for this exact reason, I am married to a woman, although I have excepted the fact that I am bi/gay I don’t want my business out in the street, with men I am a 100% submissive bottom behind closed doors, but my family sees me as a dominant alpha male, and I truly think that they would still love me if they found out, but I would like to keep the side of me private and to myself. I’ve chatted with guys that claimed they were masculine and very straight… Read more »
Very well said and I agree. I’ve always taken the term as meaning non-flamboyant as we as gay guys are usually percieved to be queerish and flamboyant which is a homophobic stereotype of the heterosexual community’s viewpoint and not always the case since not every gay guy are flamboyant or feminine. I myself don’t behave flamboyantly nor behave feminine, so whenever I say that I’m gay to people who’s unaware of my sexuality, they usually be shocked and be like, “You are?” or “I thought you was straight since you don’t act like a typical gay guy would act.” Which… Read more »
Well-said.
yes, important to respect a person’s boundaries .. i assume “handsiness” is a term that means “waving yo hands and flailing yo arms in da air like ya just don’t care” kind of a thang, honey?
One way to focus on what you think about the phrase ‘straight acting’ is to focus on the phrase ‘effeminate acting.’ I know so many men, hetero, bi and homo, who don’t like to see ‘effeminate acting’ males in public, but enjoy them behind closed doors.
“Acting?” Hmm, so if this isn’t you, ’cause you’re “acting”. . . so who, is the real you, then?
You either are or are not. Just be you, though.
It sounds like they don’t feel comfortable being gay yet. That’s fine. They may not always describe themselves’ that way, but right now, that is how they feel.
It does not mean they are good at acting straight. That is just how they feel about themselves “right now”
People that feel that way need a little slack.
I would say 99.9% of the time, the term is used describing ( or better still, desiring) others that way.
Never been told if I was gay or straight
I have some bad news for you sweetheart. The test results are in, and you’re gay as fuck.
My first ex would brag to me sometimes that he was having a very “straight looking” day, whatever the hell that meant. He was a hot mess and very insecure about being gay. I wasn’t allowed to stand too close to him in public or sit in the seat next to him at the movies. Fun times.
It’s a homophobic statement. Some gay men use it 1) to let straight people that “I’m gay but I’m straight-acting;” and 2) some gay men use it as it aligns (in their minds) with “masculine.” I stay far away from any man who uses such a term. Sad, but many gay/bi/DL men view their lives by how they are preceived by others.
What an interesting article. I’ve always thought the term simply meant ‘non-flamboyant’ because for the longest of times, gay men are often viewed as flamboyant and feminine by homophobic stereotypes as to which some guys like myself are the polar opposite and behave more masculine or simply put, embraces masculinity more in general in the same way as a heterosexual guy does despite sexual orientation. I do get that the word “acting” can be seen as internalized homophobia which isn’t often the case, but it can be true depending on the individual. As for someone who grew up in a… Read more »
I know I’ll piss off a few with this, but no one is to blame except for those I’m about to mention. Just think about our current climate.
(THERE IS NO GREATER HATE, THAN CHRISTIAN LOVE!)
This discribes me as you would not know i like being with men behind closed doors so yes i act straight
Same here, I’m a straight acting man, I like to bottom for straight acting men behind closed doors
what a load of horse shit
A decade and a half ago, before the term “Straight acting” was common, I found A4A and eventually, the Blog. In topics, I posted how I was “Main Street” Gay guy, one who didn’t fit the “Rodeo Drive” (California) stereotypical Gay guy mold. Thanks to the Internet, I’d found many guys like me, those who were physically, sexually, and/emotionally attracted to men, but who didn’t look are act according to the stereotypical Gay norm of fem, fairy, flamboyant, Diva-, celebrity- and fashion-loving. We listened to several genres of music and bought clothes at Target, Costco and Fleet Farm. We were… Read more »
I am straight acting. And for those that know me, I am also a card carrying cock sucker, a Greek that takes it up the butt.
I loved the conversation between MRS. HENDERSON and a stage man. She asked something about the girls on stage and he quietly responded with, ‘I have other inclinations.’
After a moment of thought, the old lady exclaims, ‘Oh! How delicious. ‘
All of the comments make perfect sense when used by a person to describe themselves. The problem I encounter is when it’s used as an expectation for other gay guys, whether spending time sexually or just socially. Just because someone has the need to act straight, for whatever reason or stage of their life, don’t expect that of me so you can be comfortable. That’s as bad as the straight community wanting us ‘mo’s to hide our true selves.
I define straight acting as you conduct yourself in a way that most people would not suspect you’re a gay man. It’s not acting. Because I think most gay men who are so called “clockable” wouldn’t be able to act straight.
I think it refers to naturally average masculine men. They carry themselves and act like a typical man.
It’s not internalized homophobia to me. Because that’s how I conduct myself naturally and those are the kind of guys I’m attracted to.
I never use the term straight acting. I prefer discreet or just masculine.
I like this outlook of this! I believe the problem really is with homophobic people and within the gay community itself. To elaborate, I’ve always noticed that “gay” and “masculinity” are often yoked in a very negative and harmful way. Many tends to forget that being gay/bi is of one’s sexual orientation which has nothing to do with masculinity/flamboyance since each term defines a person in two different ways. Sexual orientation defines us of who we are attracted to – masculinity/femininity and flamboyancy defines us of who we are as a person. When some gay men or homophobic people try… Read more »
To me, “straight acting” is the wrong phrase for the intended context. Personally, I describe myself as “Straight seeming”, as you wouldn’t know I’m gay unless I told you, or I started hitting on you. I’m not hiding anything, my sexuality just isn’t written on my sleeve.
“Internalized homophobia” . . . what a queer term.
Those who are offended by “straight-acting” are the very people who the term is designed to distinguish from.
‘nough said.
They must be . . . “Gay Acting?”
I don’t get hung up about it. That said, I prefer the more accurately descriptive term “masculine”.
I hate it! One of my pet peeves. The correct term is masculine. “Straight acting” is a stereotype of what someone thinks someone should act like that is straight.. I have seen an awful lot of feminine acting men that are married with kids, and very masculine guys that are gay.. The term “Straight acting” should be abolished.
Quit whining. Do you wanna be fucked by a sissie or straight acting man ?
The simple fact that people like John even make it such a big deal is ridiculous. As a top, if I was to behave or dress in a effeminate manner, I don’t believe I’d ever attract any bottom guys in my life. I even asked my boyfriend if he would still be with me if I acted flamboyant, and he said hell no! There’s nothing wrong with effeminate men or flamboyancy in general, but lets be real, most bottoms are attracted to manly, masculine tops to be dicked down by…not twinkle toes lol. John and the others like him…all we… Read more »
I’ll take “straight acting” over some non binary or tanny Annie mental case.
I’m a masculine pansexual man. We have entered a era where everyone wants to be recognized for their sexuality, gender identity or lack of, and for their place in the whole scheme of things, and God help anyone who slips up and makes a politically incorrect statement or identification, or pronoun! Folks are getting their panties all knotted up over little things. I get the “straight acting” reference, and I never gave it a thought until this blog. My question is who cares? Ever see “gay acting” in a profile? So what? If this is how a person wants to… Read more »
I’m agreeing with you man
I like my tops to be obvious. No swishers. So I prefer they be as butch as possible. St8-acting is fine to say as long as they pack 8 inches or more. Those that debate ain’t getting the dick anyway. If I wanted annoying bitches I’d get pegged by a fag hag
I think the term “demeanor” rather nails it.
I like what Matt (Black) commented and I agree. The term has been around for many decades and is long overdue to be ignored. It served its purpose decades past when men were still mostly in the closet. I am an older Daddy, and times have changed. The one I am still having a difficult time of embracing is “queer.” To me and many of the strong men that have come before us, that term was just as bad as fag. But again, times have changed. Just don’t call me queer. You can call yourselves that if you like it,… Read more »
Be who you are.
Somehow, I turned out as masculine-presenting. But I can be QAF. I can flame. It’s my choice when I want to flame; yours, too. Just be, whatever that is– and it’s OK with me. Others? Others can be offended by your fucking socks. Let them be them, silly as that might be. It’s all good. Sparkle, honey. Every minute of every day. Sparkle, whatever that is to you!
it really doesn’t bother me, yet it’s rather unnecessary, if you’re gay, you’re gay .. i suppose it could be a stereotype when he acts feminine with an “oh my gosh my golly dahling” persona, so to me it might be rather annoying, but that’s how it’s always been, it’s typical in that sense and i’m not bothered much .. if he does act str8 then it’s sort of a plus, but again, just icing on the cake if anything else
Being gay does not mean you can’t be or aren’t normal, and “straight-acting” is normal. When I first started going to bars and picking up the speech and mannerisms, my dyke sister kept poking fun at me. But the “queer” label is wrong, because that is hate speech for many of us, if not most. And the fact is that being gay is not queer, it is healthy and normal, which is the whole point of Gay Liberation. Effeminate guys are not necessarily gay.
Doesn’t the word gay or bi imply guy’s are attracted to guys. I’m a so called straight acting guy. When I hit the bar scene in the 80’s, I was just a guy acting like a guy. I was in the gay bar scene for years & became a bartender in the gay bars. I was around guys that were just guys. I was also for years around guys that were flamboyant. I eventually picked up flamboyant attitudes. When I left the bar scene I went back to my Normal self. I agree some men are naturally feminine. But it… Read more »
i believe that is people do this as a way to not be outed at work. me i am a total bottom but you cant tell by looking at me unless you see me walking i have a sway to me
I don’t believe “straight acting” is to be taken literally. It’s not acting, It’s simply a moniker that describes a gay man who outwardly appears to be heterosexual, as opposed to a feminine, flamboyant, stereotypical gay male. All the term does is let you know in advance a characteristic of an individual before you meet..
I myself is a straight acting bisexual man , I use straight acting a lot when chatting, you would never know that I’m a flamming panty bottom when with my boyfriend behind locked doors, I can hangout and do whatever with you and you would never have a clue. I’m a very hard and dominant black guy, I think saying Straight Acting tells you a guy is not clockable and we can have a drink in public and no one suspects anything
Straight-acting overtly suggests masculinity, which is in line with our biology, unless we have low testosterone, which I have had. Having it become normal gave me much new insight into other men and their behavior and conduct. Hormones rule very much, as do genitals, regardless of how one thinks or feels. But one should not feel constrained by this, but simply encouraged to be natural. Having spiritual experience with other men helps. When I joined a prayer group of straight men and felt fully accepted by them, it truly changed me. It made me realize how much the anti-male messaging… Read more »
Who doesn’t miss having topical or local chat rooms where we can chat and get to know each other normally before hooking up?
I have been described as “straight-acting”…my response has always been, “It’s not an act”…what you see is what you get…ironically, in prison, because I do not project as gay, straight men have accused me of lying because I didn’t act like a “sissy” – prison slang for a gay….
I justht would like to chime in with all theth other mathculine menth and thayth that I, too, am very mathculine and thtraight-acting.
Straight acting isn’t nearly as important as being a good and kind person who respects you.