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Dating in the gay community has never been more accessible—and yet, for others, it has never felt more complicated. With apps like Adam4Adam Radar making connection instantaneous and expectations often unspoken, young gay men are left trying to decode what is normal, what is negotiable, and what simply doesn’t align with who they are.
This is the case of a 22-year-old gay man who posed a question online that resonated deeply with many who have felt out of step with modern dating culture. He asked, “Why do gay men expect intimacy right away?” He added:
“I am a 22-year-old and I have been uneasy with how everyone I have ever dated asked for intimacy even when it is the first date. I have been on the dating scene for a while but I could not go further than first date as it turns out they expect intimacy right away.
I am a person who needs time to trust someone to build up my confidence to get close with them and I have always found it hard to even chat with another gay who is just willing to get to know me.
I have never had any real connections due to this and I wanted to ask if there is something to change about me or should I just keep on trying with new people? I do not want to be a part of hookup culture but I also want to be able to find someone I can have a long-term relationship. Any advices on how I can find someone like me?”
His question opened the floodgates to responses from gay men of all ages—some pragmatic, some blunt, some deeply empathetic. One of the most upvoted responses offered a well-known comparison that many gay men have heard before, framing gay dating as fundamentally different from straight dating norms. The respondent said, “Straight man takes a woman to dinner so that she can decide whether she wants to have sex with him. Gay men have sex to decide if they want to have dinner together. That’s just the way it is, on average.” Further, he said, “Of course there are gay men who want to build connection first, and if you spend enough time, you’ll find someone. It’s just not very common.”
Others pushed back against the idea that the young man needed to change at all: “Don’t change for anyone, you’ll find the right guy for you!” In addition, for many readers, this sentiment landed as reassurance rather than advice, a reminder that compatibility often matters more than conformity.
Meanwhile, several men explained early intimacy as a practical filter, a way to establish compatibility early before emotions and expectations deepen. Or at least such is the case for this gay man who replied, “Most guys would rather find out if you’re sexually compatible first rather than invest time and money in someone you’ll turn out to be incompatible with and will have ‘wasted time’ getting to know them.”
Another commenter pointed out where these expectations are formed in the first place.
“There are other guys who feel the same way. Perhaps, being 22, you’re meeting through apps, which are essentially hookup machines. Have you tried ways of connecting with guys socially?” The suggestion here wasn’t to abandon dating apps entirely, but to recognize that platforms often shape behavior, and that social spaces may attract people seeking more serious connections.
Moreover, some guys expressed frustration with what they see as emotional avoidance within gay dating. “Because we’re used to guys meeting, ‘having an amazing night’ and then ghosting after because they have deep seated issues with male intimacy they refuse to just get the fuck over.” While harsh, this comment reflects a real anger many feel after repeated experiences of emotional whiplash.
Further, some commenters encouraged the OP to practice discernment, reminding OP that recognizing incompatibility and choosing to step back is an act of self-respect, not failure.
“Yeah, some guys expect sex as soon as they meet you. I’d stay away from them personally.”
Finally, one gay man said bluntly, “Because men love sex. Straight men would do the same if it was as easy for a girl to sleep as it is for a gay man. I was the same way as you. My husband and I didn’t have sex until we had been an official couple for six months.”
For many, this was the reminder they needed that slower paths still exist, and that it can lead to lasting love.
Having said all that, what about you, Adam4Adam blog readers? Do you expect sex at the first meeting or first date? Was there ever a time when you waited to have sex, and what influenced that decision? How many dates did you guys have before you jumped into bed with your boyfriend—or did intimacy come first and connection later? Have dating apps like Adam4Adam shaped your expectations, or have you found meaningful relationships by doing things differently? Share your thoughts, experiences, and hard-earned wisdom in the comments section below.
Laughable, . . . when most gay sex is anonymous to begin with.
Tend to Agree. When I first Came Out I was told if it doesn’t happen within the first couple of meet ups it more than likely isn’t in the cards. Man to Man is not to be considered similar to Man to Women…….Men are more animalistic, it either happens QUICKLY or it isn’t happening At All. After two dates you can pretty much assume they are only looking for a Friend and nothing more.
Hopefully
especially if I have gone to all the trouble to clean out.
Yes I expect to get to get fucked on the first date. I will not have a second date if we don’t . Sometimes I only know their screen name but I better always get that dick. I’m not spreading these big cheeks for nothing.
Let all be known, I did not blog this in any manner and form! Someone copied my Blog name and wrote this!
Has happened to me more than once. Blog posters need to be tied to a user name and profile on A4A. Allowing posters to type in any handle they want is far from Good Practice when it comes to operating a website.
I do expect something to happen on the first meeting unless we have agreed to a meet and greet first. However, I often tell the person I am meeting with that if we meet and I’m not what he was expecting, just be honest and tell me. There won’t be hard feelings.
I never dated a dude before but expect to have sex on the first meeting if it’s discuss beforehand. I have 2 fuck buddies that I have sex with now and having sex with them during our first meeting, is the reason we still have great sex together and mutually decided to stay attached.
Yes
Never. I enjoy dating. I ask, I pay. I like going to nice places, good conversation, learning about someone, having good food at a new/good restaurant, maybe an event or something afterwards. I realized after undergrad that I hadn’t dated, gone out with, as many men as I had women so I made it a point to non-sexually date 100 men over the course of about 18 months to 2 years. It taught me how to date, set boundaries, gauge attraction to men I was on a date with and not simply have sex as a default. Sure I’ve had… Read more »
I learned EARLY in LIFE to ALMOST Never say “NEVER” but to EACH his own, and CONGRATS on ALL your DATES dude!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOL 🙂
It depends. If I’m looking to “date” the guy, then I want to get to know him and see if we’re compatible and will take it slower. But I’m not interested in dating so when meeting a guy (especially on a site like A4A) It’s for sex, so of course sex is expected on the first meeting.
“…expectations often unspoken…”
How difficult is it to put your expectations (sex or no sex on the first meeting) in a profile?
How difficult is it chat about that before the first meeting?
It’s not. If a first meeting didn’t go as you had hoped, whose fault was that?
This is THE answer to this question, IMHO.
Sometimes, as long as we’ve met in person, not online; it’s more of a spontaneous thing, whereas, online, no I don’t expect it, “we” are then going through what ‘should be’ the usual channels, considering the frauds online, but none the less, its ALWAYS safe sex, regardless.
If we click, yes. There’s something very very hot about meeting a guy and then within the hour he’s inside me pounding away. A couple weeks ago I actually met up with a couple for the first time, not necessarily expecting anything. We met at a local bar which felt like a nice neutral place, immediately we clicked and found attraction. 30 minutes later I was in their sling with them both taking turns fucking me. Have I mentioned that I love when a couple are both tops and they need a bottom LOL.
Only if there is a MUTUAL attraction – other wise it’s DEF a NO GO!!! 🙂 And MOST hook ups are because of a mutual attraction and not much more, at first at least ~~~ No one I know “dates” anymore 🙂
Absolutely sex if attracted
For me, it’s about NSA connections. Not interested in relationships, so YES let me have it !
Yes definitely if we are both mutually attracted to each other. If I am not attracted to him or him me then we go our ways. Usually I try to find out if I like him when we chat before meeting. Ask questions and see pictures and I can usually tell before meeting in person.
Yes! If the sex isn’t good, you will not see me again. Sex is like the egg in a cake; it holds everything together. Mind you, it isn’t EVERYTHING, but you better be good for me, and I better work for you as well. (Which I know I will, lol.)
Yes.
I literally used to say;
Note, If we meet somebody is getting Fucked. I dont care which it is.
If we meet you are doing the fucking and I’m getting fucked. Pretty easy.
90% of the time,I have meet a couple of guys thru the years,that i would like to be more on a friend’s level with,not just a bed thing!
I don’t know if I expect full fledged poundtowning on the first date. But I kinda feel obligated to at least suck some dick the first time. Unless the dude is a complete bag of used douche he deserves to cum right?
YES, at the least, a mutual J/O .. oral most always, gotta put that MOUTH to work, ya know? gotta SEXPERIENCE the guy at first hand to see if he’s a good FIT 😉
Sex should happen when you’re ready for it. But if you’re just enjoying hanging out, then have fun doing that.
These are the kinds of things you talk about before even agreeing to meet someone.
Everytime someone I’m interested in implies we should “hangout” “meetup” “get together” “have company” I immediately follow up with, “if you mean fuck, then sure” cause that’s all I’m in it for and will absolutely make that apparent.
Hookups, dates or whatever go 100% better when you communicate expectations ahead of time.
if you are interested in dating or getting to know someone, NO I don’t expect nor put out on the first meeting or date…
If its a hook up then obviously yes…..
I do not expect sex on the first meeting, but I am meeting him for the purpose of having sex. I want to establish a modicum of trust before I allow his cum inside of me. To establish if he wants romance or, like me, get right to the pleasure of sex.
There are dates and hookups, each with different expectations. Hookups have sex intended, sometimes rejected. Dates may or not have sex. But we’re men, and men have sex so yes, it’s happened on a first date. Consent and negotiation are important for both.
I expect sex on the first meeting. That’s what I’m looking for
I don’t expect it, I want it. But who dates anymore? Just sex!
No, I won’t have sex with someone on the first meeting or date. I’ve tried it, I’ve learned my lesson, guys who push for sex right away are only interested in a hookup. If someone is unwilling to have a conversation to find common interests or to form a non-sexual connection before having sex, they won’t bother afterwards, they don’t have to, they already got what they really wanted. You can use that as a filter, don’t waste your time on guys who require sex upfront. Take the time to look for guys who are willing to get to know… Read more »
Yeah I want to have sex especially if he’s hot I can’t get enough especially when the camera comes on
First date? I ‘m not looking for dinner and movie. I’m looking for fun.
Almost always, because I want to see a guy’s penis and suck on it. Always hope that when I get on my back and spread my legs he gets the hint that he passed the first test.
I always have sex on the first date/meeting. Even when the conversation was awkward, we ended dinner early and he invited me to his place. The sex was hot, but we never had great conversations.