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What’s hard about dating you?
This deeply introspective question recently surfaced in a gay online forum, sparking a wave of honest and heartfelt responses. Whether it’s about personality quirks, emotional baggage, or lifestyle choices, the conversation reveals that everyone has their unique challenges in relationships. It’s not just about finding love but also about understanding what we bring to the table—and how we might make it harder for our partners to connect with us.
One gay man admitted, “I’m clingy and possessive, not because I want control, but because I’m afraid of being abandoned. Also, I can be emotionally unstable at times.” This answer struck a chord with many. A compassionate reply reframed the issue, saying, “Trauma is an unresolved distress that resulted in an unmet need (in this case emotional closeness and being there for them). None of that is necessarily bad or something that should prevent someone from being in a relationship, but simply something that should be taken into account when looking for a partner (aka someone who can and wants to meet that need).” It’s a powerful reminder that self-awareness and healing are essential steps toward healthy relationships.
In addition, another man shared with humor, “I overthink everything—I swear it’s how I burn calories.” While lighthearted, the comment highlights how anxiety and constant second-guessing can complicate dating, sometimes even sabotaging connections before they have a chance to grow.
On the other hand, some men described challenges rooted in independence. One commenter confessed, “I don’t need to date. I am very independent.” Independence can be a double-edged sword. While self-sufficiency is admirable, it can also create distance in relationships. A response elaborated on this struggle: “I’m whatever the opposite of clingy is. I enjoy doing things by myself. This is hard for my fiancé to understand sometimes because he wants to do everything with me. When we first started dating, he wasn’t clingy either. Been together six years, and now it feels like he’s become very co-dependent.” This tension shows how mismatched expectations around independence and closeness can lead to friction over time.
Moreover, not everyone has experience to draw from. One guy admitted simply, “No idea—I have never dated before.” For some, the challenge lies not in a specific flaw but in inexperience, uncertainty, or the vulnerability of stepping into unfamiliar territory.
Finally, others pointed to personality mismatches as a roadblock. As one gay man put it, “While I consider myself an open person in some areas, I’m rather inflexible in others. Also, I tend to be rather serious and sensitive, so I can’t be with someone who’s always joking or brushing things off.” This sentiment underscores how compatibility matters: qualities that seem charming to one person might feel dismissive or exhausting to another.
Adam4Adam blog readers, it’s time for self-reflection: what’s so hard about dating you? Is it your independence, emotional needs, or something else entirely? Sharing our truths, no matter how uncomfortable, can lead to better understanding and stronger connections in future relationships.
In addition, what challenges have you faced in dating? Have your quirks or personality traits ever caused friction, or have they helped you find a partner who truly accepts you? Let’s talk about it in the comments section down below, because every story—and every struggle—has value.
Honesty, integrity, self-respect, the “color issue” economics, etc. Now as an elderly man, my age class, most men for various reasons can no long achieve an erection or cum unless through anal sex; of which way too many men are HIV+, so personally no chance of that happening.
Some people call that “discrimination,” I say, I not willing to be yet another form of victimization.
You have an incredible lack of imagination Lamar.
If you don’t want a white dick in you, then get you a black playtoy.
The ability to chat and follow through. I’m in my 60s. The chances of anyone not in their 70s having an interest in me is slim to none unless I’m generous – which I am not. Ageism and being too lazy to work except your organ is very real. Ugh!
Thank you for saying all of that – same feels here too!
I wish older men would stop saying “ageism” is the reason they can’t get dates.
Men in their 60’s and 70’s go after men in their 20’s and 30’s, then act offended when the young guy turns them down. Have you considered that you are the “ageist” one refusing to date men your own age?
In my early 50’s here & haven’t had much luck outside being the ages of 22-25.
Dating for me means means seeking one guy for an ultimately long term monogamous (emotional and sexual) long-term relationship (LTR) That makes me more than “hard to date”. I’m interested with Friends with Benefits (FWBs). For that reason, I won’t contact guys looking for LTRs and will respectfully decline chatting with those who do if they contact me. “Thanks, but were not a match. Good luck in your search!” On of my FWBs was firm that he wasn’t looking for an LTR. A year or so after joining a social group (non-LGTBQ+ focused), he became FWBs with a couple of… Read more »
I love my FREEDOM and independence and PRIVACY too much!! I learned how VALUABLE those are after ending a LTR after many years ~~~ It would take a LOT to make me give up those things, altho it’s always possible 🙂 Never say “NEVER” is one of my MANY mottos to live by ~
Dating = Train Wreck?
What nice article for reflection and “vent” our resentment versus satisfaction, thank you A4A…on that note here we go! I was in LTR for nine years, and we were “like two peas in pod” at least I thought. Of course, we had our ups and downs but we forgave each other with lavish and spicy sex, where, my bed witnessed a “ocean of passion”. Although I had notice changes on his behavior such as lack of communication, certainly, I asked if there was anything troubling his handsome mind and the reply was “I am good nothing to worry”…fast forward…one majestic… Read more »
He liked your personality. He tired of sex with you. Next.
My wife doesn’t like me to date!
Why not – as long as SHE’s ALLOWED to date too 🙂
I like the idea of being in a relationship, but I also like my freedom to do whatever I want without any restrictions. I have been in short term relationships and they were okay. No heartbreaks after they ended. However, my longest relationship lasted for almost 4 years and man was it a roller coaster ride. We were both kind of wired the same way when it came to certain things like independence and freedom, but the relationship was rocky from the start because we dove in too quickly in my opinion. I made several mistakes in that relationship, compared… Read more »
I’m 62 which is the death knell in the gay community, Many are married abd living in a small town people will ask questions so they have to sneak out, I also live in the center of town,people might see their car in the driveway and adn why they’re af s gay man’s house. Plus I’m too old to start being someone’s caretaker
Brian, 62 is not old, I am 54 but I am not looking for younger guys, usually looking around my age +-10 years range or more if the chemistry is right. The struggle I am facing most guys on my age are looking for young or even take chance to meet, in any event I guess this life. Good luck in your journey!
Wish I knew. My interests of type are more broader than others…but you hardly see them single.
Maybe it’s because I don’t drink, do drugs, nor dance?
So YOU’RE the other one that doesn’t D, D & D !!! 😉
Guess so. Never interested me.
I took a 6 month break after my last relationship (of 5 years) ended. Just marked month 308. Too old and wise to say never, but also old enough and wise enough to say not very likely. As in you might as well buy lottery tickets instead.
Distance, inability to host, age, and refusal to be a sugar daddy. In that order.
Maybe you should lose YOUR sugar daddy first, ( or perhaps Mommy.)
My great love was seropositive and died in 1995, just before the ‘miracle’ occurred. In order to maintain my seronegativity, our sex life became me solely receiving oral sex. Over the years, I’ve become polyamorous, with receptive oral being my only sexual activity. I am exceptionally well-endowed and have no shortage of partners. Of course, this makes me relationship poison – which is fine with me.
At least you understand that poison.
I couldn’t date again if I became single. Im conservative so thats already three strikes in any type of gay relationship be it dating or friends. So, till one of us dies, it’s just me and the hubby. And honestly it’s better that way, no drama.
I am 59 years old. In the 1990’s, I drank and slept my way through West Hollywood. I desperately wanted to be in a relationship and thought meeting men, drinking too much, and having sex with them immediately would bring me the man of my life. Well, that didn’t work. Then, my friend moved to Long Beach, and I started hanging out with him there. I met a man who was relationship oriented ( a rarity in Weho at that time). He actively pursued a relationship with me, and we moved in together to my place in West Hollywood. Then,… Read more »