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Do you remember your first time at a gay bar? Was it exciting, nerve-wracking, or a little bit of both? For many of us, stepping into a gay bar for the first time can feel like entering a new world—one filled with anticipation, hopes of meeting someone, or finally feeling seen in a space that’s meant to be ours. But not everyone has the same experience. Some feel welcomed right away, while others walk out feeling isolated or invisible which is why we’re curious—what was your first gay bar experience like, guys? Did it live up to your expectations?
We’re asking because a gay man online shared, “Went to a gay bar for the first time and I feel like I want to cry.” He added:
I came to this country from the Middle East expecting to find an accepting atmosphere. Always saw it as ‘the grass is greener on the other side.’ Went to a gay bar today for the first time in my life. For context, I’m a bit on the darker side, and this happened in a predominantly white state.
Gosh how I felt invisible. I don’t think I’m unattractive. I go to the gym often, I know how to talk/initiate a conversation, I hold a PhD, I know how to dress well.
It just felt like everyone had their own circle at the bar I went to, and I felt like a sucker sitting at the edge of the table alone.
This is not how I imagined my life would be in an ‘LGBT-accepting country.’ I never thought queer circles would be this exclusionary. Maybe this is just a one-time anecdotal experience. I don’t know.
How do I get past this?
Update: thank you to everyone who commented below and for all the advice. I’m glad this post turned out the way it did and reached out people in a situation similar to mine. Sending you all so much love 💞
It’s a post that hit home for many in the LGBTQ+ community, especially those who have also experienced a disconnect between what they imagined gay spaces would be like and what they encountered in reality. While we often promote acceptance and inclusion, the truth is that “LGBT-accepting” doesn’t automatically mean friendship, romance, or even conversation—as one gay man wisely pointed out online.
Other gay men on the other hand, offered comforting and constructive advice: “This isn’t about you. This is about them. One experience doesn’t make your life. What are you into hobby-wise? Try those things too—gay tennis league, book club, or political groups. These can help you find your tribe.” In addition, another gay man shared that he also felt invisible in bars and instead found his community through shared interests like hiking or film meet-ups.
Some acknowledged the awkwardness of trying to initiate conversation in a bar setting, especially when most people show up in groups. “It’s hard to be the odd one out,” one person responded. “I make it a point to talk to anyone sitting alone at a bar to help them feel seen. I remember how I felt when I was that guy.” Another piece of advice reads: “Try different bars. Some are more mingling-friendly than others. And believe it or not, dressing too well can sometimes make you seem unapproachable.”
For those still struggling with how to break through, the best approach may be to focus on what makes you feel confident and fulfilled. Volunteer at LGBTQ+ organizations, join hobby-based groups, or attend smaller community events that make connecting with other gay men easier than a loud, crowded bar. And remember: one awkward night at a gay bar doesn’t define your entire queer experience.
What about you, guys? What was your first gay bar experience like? Did it match your expectations? Did you feel welcomed or otherwise? Have you ever felt invisible in spaces that were supposed to make you feel seen? Share your thoughts, advice, and stories in the comments section down below—we’d love to hear from you!
Being a life-long closet case (married, kids, etc.), back in the ’80s when single & living in NYC, trembling from the fear of being seen entering/exiting the place, I ventured into a gay bar in the West Village called Unc. Charlies (long since gone) 2 times, both with the intent of finding a guy for sex, not to socialize. I was in & out within about 10 mins., accompanied by a guy each time & we went back to my apartment for sex. Never went into another one, effectively “retiring” from the gay bar scene having batted 2 for 2.
I remember my very first club experience at 18 like it was yesterday with a bunch of friends all mixed, spacious club being with friends made it so much fun to dance, actually saw my locker mate from high school!
I was actually only 19 at the time and had a fake ID. I was amazed and the guys were buying me drinks (I would only drink one or two alcoholic drinks and then soda). They even talked me into getting up on the bar and dancing to a Madonna song (La Isla Bonita). I did go home with a couple different men and they taught me a lot about making love with men.
I was actually taken to a gay bar by an amazing straight friend. I was in my early thirties. They were having a Drag Queen performance to raise money for charity. It was a lot of fun. Small bar, we played pool. Innocent good time.
First went into an upper eastside piano bar. Knew not what a piano bar was but soon found out. I literally just turned 18 and everyone else was 40+. everyone assumed that I was looking for a well-to-do Daddy when, in fact, I just went in because it was a gay bar. It was awkward because I got approached which I did not want. It was suggested that I go to “The Village” to find a more suitable bar. This was August of 1982.
actually, the older guys were quite nice and some were handsome but at 18, I didn’t understand the qualities of an older man. now, I am an older man.
now, that I am older, I do not have a particular affinity towards very young males. Daddy I am not and shall never be.
No mine was a bit unnerving as it started out going with a gal from work, a lesbian friend. I had never been in a gay bar. I liked the vibe the moment I walked in. Some guys made eye contact and flirted but one guy in particular kept watching me and he was a hot sexy guy. He kept flirting with me then we ended up getting on the dance floor. We danced a long time, but then later because my friend met her two cousins there, he told me that he had something to confess. The gay bar… Read more »
I always detested bars and clubs, especially with loud music. I hate crowds. I have been to various gay bars over the years, maybe 20 times total. Each time, I got laid. I went to many “straight” bars too, and at many of them I managed to get laid…or contact info that led to getting laid. But I preferred outdoor cruising, gyms, or the internet for cruisy activities. All over, libido is gone now, I don’t miss it much. Too old, the memories are hot enough!
Was too shy to get laid when I got hit on in bars, though I did have many opportunities. Never really liked straight clubs, but spent more time in them than gay clubs. Strayed from bars and eventually started hooking up with guys when gay.com, A4A , yahoo groups came online and later free hookup phone lines (party lines) and craigslist made their debut. Didn’t even think about gay or straight bars after that. I was online all the time on Friday and Saturday nights getting countless hookups, during the days when people rarely flaked.
My first experience in all honestly was kind of hectic at least at first since I was very shy at one time and wasn’t used to having guys that I walk by touching my crotch or ass. Normally I would consider that sexual harassment, but it was pretty common in gay clubs, so instead or being a prude, I actually just leaned into it and relish the attention I was receiving at the time especially since most of the guys there were hot. Even had a very good looking male dancer gave me a private show and probably would of… Read more »
love your blog title name! couldn’t not have expressed it any better! from pain, comes pleasure!
Thanks Scratch! That is very true! ❤
Went and had a few drinks at a dive near me and had sex with 2 guys in the bathroom…separately. I used a condom with the first guy and I fuk’d the 2nd raw. I lived around the corner from Wrigley Field at the time in the late 80s and got tested at the Howard Brown Center 7 months afterwards. I’m still HIV neg and the most recent time at a bar, I just let a guy give me a blowjob; he’s married and wanted to go back to my place, but, I had a doctor’s appointment re my heart.
Got my dick sucked, then ended up fisting some fool. Never expected that in High School
mostly groups of straight women there and I went home
Haha…
The “Y’all Come Back, Saloon” it had no sign or anything, it was painted a very dark brown outside on the corner in downtown Minneapolis. I came out the urging of a lesbian I worked with, she asked “what are you savin’ it for”, I was 19yrs old had just moved to my first apt.
It was exciting, a blast, I made friends pretty easily and got laid first night out. Everybody had their shirts off and wearing cowboy boots and hats in those days of the early 80’s.
You bring out something that’s one of the reasons I only went into a single bar twice and never again: Whether in MN, NY or wherever else, it seems most gay bars are sort of unassuming looking from the outside and dark and noisy on the inside. Something that’s always struck me as rather shady, which is why I won’t go back into one.
Wow, funny you should mention NY, I lived there for a while, loved the bars at that time. I understood, exactly what they were doing, I never had the luxury though, so I bypassed that aspect for the bigger one, SEX, LOVE and friends.
Not a fan. I don’t like the music the loud noise and the cliques.
.and back in the late 70’s and 80’s…the SMOKE!! 10 minutes in there and your clothes reeked.
VERY productive. Still a virgin and with a fake id, I was picked up by two guys in short order. We all went to his beach house where we fucked and sucked and fucked some more. Gordon from SFO – you still on here by chance? GRIN
My first gay bar experience was Amazing ,and it totally meet my expectations! and then some . I wasn’t sure what I would find. The Bar tenders and staff were friendly and welcomed me, Keep in mind I was 21 years old.. I walked in alone the first time.Nervous but curious . I never felt invisible. But then I was easy on the eyes…lol The bar scene was alot of fun . In time I met wonderful people and had some really great times and a lot of laughs .But the best thing was the Community and becoming part of… Read more »
My first visit to a gay bar was a blast! When I entered this crowded bar, sat at the bar. When I was about to order a drink, this attractive guy in his early forties (I was in my late thirties) approached me and whispered in my ear if he can buy me a drink.I said yes. He then politely asked the guy sitting next to me if he can have his chair so he can sit by me. Before not too long we were talking of what we enjoy in life and other naughty stuff. I am not sure… Read more »
I remember the anticipation, the excitement and the feeling of going and being in the gay bar for the first time with my shipmates. Two of us were giggling, shy and a little embarrassed but at the same time, we were having a great time. We saw a couple of other guys from our ship. They were surprised to see us there. I was so immature during that time. I tried to pretend that I wasn’t there by choice and that I was just there with my friends. I mean, who believed that? I was obviously gay. Haha.
Oh, yeah. I went with a guy I worked with and his friends. Man, you realize the number we had in mind was so small. As, I find out later, it’s a larger than life number of gay men in world open/closeted. Overall, it was a wonderful coming out.
My first experience at a gay bar was at a denim/leather bar in Indianapolis many years ago. I met a hot bartender at a restaurant, and we agreed to meet there after he got off work. It was a weeknight, so the place was rather dead, but we met and played a game of pool. Actually, we kind of made out on the pool table while a couple of other older guys watched. There was an upstairs, so we went up there and were alone. I remember there being a chain spider web, and we performed oral sex on each… Read more »