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A question as old as dating itself has sparked lively debates across platforms: who pays on the first date? One gay man recently asked this on r/askgaybros, sharing his own experience:
Lol this has probably been asked 299292 times on here but I just remember a conversation I had with a friend 2 years ago on this.
The only time I’ve gone on a date, I messed up (lol I think I did but I don’t regret it as such) and said 50/50 ON COFFEE LMAO that guy ghosted me after.
I see a lot of gay men on Tik Tok saying “oh, he should be paying for everything” but, aren’t you both a ‘he’ if you are gay MEN? I don’t know how it’d be with genderfluid/non-binary peeps though.
As my, very straight, friend said “quien paga, la mete”, which translates into English as ‘who pays, puts it (🍆) in.’
Share your thoughts!!
The post sparked a flood of responses, with commenters sharing their personal rules and philosophies about first-date finances. We’ve compiled some of the most popular answers among gay men below:
One gay man replied, “50/50 or whoever initiated the date was my standard.” Splitting the bill or having the initiator pay is a common approach. This method ensures fairness and avoids any sense of obligation or imbalance. It’s practical, especially for those who value equality in relationships.
Another man who agreed to this typical answer said, “Whomever extends the invitation should pay. But never go on a date without having enough money to pay for your own meal and car fare home.” This advice highlights the importance of financial preparedness. Even if someone else offers to cover the bill, being able to handle your expenses reflects self-sufficiency and avoids awkward situations. However, this guy thinks otherwise, “I don’t think you should expect someone to pay for your meal just because they ‘initiated’ a date. You agreed to the date. It’s not like they forced you to come to the date. Why would you be entitled to be paid for your meal when you’re the one who agreed to the date?” This perspective challenges entitlement and stresses personal responsibility. Agreeing to a date implies shared interest, not financial dependence.
In addition, someone said, “If I asked, I paid, especially if I chose the spot. When I was asked out, I always offered to split it.” This approach emphasizes mutual respect. While the inviter takes responsibility, offering to split shows appreciation and avoids assumptions as to who should pay the bill.
Age dynamics can influence expectations. For some, offering to pay might feel like a gesture of generosity, while others prefer splitting costs to maintain balance like for this gay man who replied, “I’m 50, if I’m out with someone younger than 40 I’ll probably offer to pay. Otherwise, I’d expect to be splitting 50/50. I would be slightly weirded out if someone offered to pay for me on an early date, honestly.”
Meanwhile, someone replied, “Always do separate on the first. Too many times getting ghosted and BS. We have to meet at least 3 times before I consider paying for your food or drinks.” This approach prioritizes caution and minimizes the risk of feeling used. By splitting the bill early on, daters can focus on building trust before making financial commitments.
Lastly, one guy shared, “I started dating in 2017 and back then I had several bottoms insist on paying. They would say I feed you now and you’re going to feed me later.” Humor aside, this comment reflects how roles in the bedroom and dynamics can play into some gay men’s decisions. For some, paying can be tied to playful banter or flirtation.
The discussion around who pays on the first date reveals a spectrum of beliefs shaped by personal values, experiences, and even humor. Some prioritize equality, others lean into traditional roles, and many adapt based on context.
What about you, Adam4Adam blog readers? Do you have a personal rule for handling the bill on a first date? How have your experiences shaped your perspective and how do cultural or generational differences come into play on this matter? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section down below!
Unless its discussed before-hand, I think the person that suggested the outing, should pay the entire tab. I think it’s tacky to split the bill when its only 2 of you. I also think without saying, the recipient should return the favor and pay for the tab after the 2nd outing and then flip-flop back and forth. The reason I used outing, is because it also pertains to co-workers, family and friends.
The person who initiated the date is the one that should pay. Who ever had the idea and asked the question. Honestly i don’t think it thats just a gay thing thats how it should work in general imho
That’s not so, unless you say so. I had a birthday gathering at a restaurant, and invited a friend, and he actually expected ME to pay his bill. I was appalled. And it was MY birthday. Inviting someone, of course, is different from suggesting the idea.
Whomever invites, should pick up the tab. an invitation is just that: “I invite you and it is my treat”.
It should be split 50/50. Letting one guy pay, especially when first meeting someone new, just sets up a power dynamic. Well, I guess that is what some guys like. But if you’re equals, then pay your own way. Or agree to alternate after you’ve known each other a while, after the third/fourth date or so. One guy pays this time, the other guy pays next time.
It depends on how the date is presented? If it is a direct invitation, then the person who invites pays. if it is a mutual dinner date, then both pay equally.
What constitutes a “mutual dinner date?”
I’d imagine if someone wants to go out to dinner and the other person agrees, it’d be mutual and both people would pay for their respective meal. I feel like the only real exception is if they propose it and say something along the lines of “my treat.”
that, Tic Toc, is what I commented.
How about this? Fucking communicate about it ahead of time. What a novel concept.
Exactly!
This just sounds like the “who’s the woman in the relationship” worded a different way … If someone (friends, love interests … whoever) invites me anywhere and I WANT to go, I have no problem paying my own way. I don’t expect anyone to pick up my tab because I want to be there. If people want to hold on to the whole … “heteronormative” view on relationships – where the “man” leads, courts, and plans/initiates/pays for dates and the “woman” is more submissive, waiting to be courted, doted, and paid for, then it’s very easy to say the “man”… Read more »
agreed!
If Dominant/Submissive or Daddy/Son was already on the table, the Dominant/Daddy pays.
If it’s a date in the traditional sense where we’re both looking for a long term relationship, the one who promoted the idea of a date should plan to pay unless 50/50 has been agreed to (best here would be separate checks).
If it’s a meet/eat/have sex event, see date.
My first dates never cost money: I’d rather go hike, walk in a forest, sit by a fire, explore a tunnel, play a game together, or just cuddle on a couch. Just get to know each other before spending money on each other. I have a (straight) bud who recently went to dinner on a first date with a woman and he offered to pay beforehand: she ordered so much food and drinks that his final bill was over $200. Then when he walked her to her car she refused to kiss him, and afterward she ghosted him. Why is… Read more »
Refused to kiss? If paying means kissing or fucking, that’s the wrong attitude.
Redused to kiss and ghosted him after . Meaning she was not at all interested in anything but the free food, which she also clearly demonstrated by ordering a lot of food and drinks. Didn’t sound like he was expecting her to put out but a kiss isnt a taboo or a rare thing. He wasn’t asking for a long makeout, face mauling kissing session I didnt seen.
He should have excused himself to go the the restroom and kept stepping. Fuck Fish
Dating is for those who ‘believe’ in stuff, or the ‘less mature’. Once you’re in your 40s,a lot of men see no reason to ‘date’. Whats the point? You’re either going to fuck or not and lets be honest, if the sex is horrible, is what he said or did on a date going to make you stay? It doesn’t really secure the relationship because many guys are false through the entire date. Why listen to a lot of pretentious lies and crap, when you can just fuck and be done with it. Let the next ‘believer’ listen to the… Read more »
I like your realism. It isn’t pleasant to read it but it is the general truth. As we guys get older, the dating prospect change and what precludes a date isn’t necessarily the face or the body?
Excellent – EXCELLENT analogy there cause all of it is TRUE! 😉
I think it’s pretty individual. I usually say, let’s go whatever. I got this.
Let’s talk about how annoying it is to go to an online dating site (hookup site) where the intention is just to meet guys and you’re faced with the reminder of Valentine’s day right there in their f***ing logo. C’mon A4A. Lose the commercial stereotype ! ! !
If you ask, you pay. Doesn’t have to be for everything. If I get asked out for dinner in A vile, I suggest a place for dessert & pay . This is something not to be stressed about.
Pretty simple, if the date is your idea, then you should expect to pay. If the guy offers to pay for parking, or drinks after dinner, be gracious & accept.
It’s not 1954, Johnny & Mary Lou. Don’t continue to be caught up w/ hetero high school dating standards.
“I’d like to ‘take’ on a date”, “I like to ‘take’ you to dinner, etc.” Wording is everything, in terms of understanding-stating the conditions, whoever is asking for the date pays, unless otherwise stated, clearly.
yo, spoken like a true bro’
It one is secure enough to let the other guy pay and not feel like he or she owes anything in return, why not let the other person pay? It’s a first date. There is time to figure out who pays when and such if another date happens. Generally, I would pick up the tab if he paid the first time. However, if he grabs the tab and says, “I got this.”, the first time; why would I argue? It’s just a bill for dinner and he offered. It would seem ungentlemanly, to me, to do otherwise. Go with the… Read more »
Is it a traditional date or a meet & greet to fuck? In either scenario, you’re a bonehead if you’re worried about who’s going to pick up the tab. That’s silly, high school stuff. Why must we monetize everything? I reach for the check/receipt no matter who invited who. Either I’ll pay it or we’ll split it or he’ll pay it. The end of the date/meet&greet will work itself out. Why obssess over stuff that does not matter? If this REALLY matters, then you need to update your play book for a date or a meet & greet.
Bending over behind the dumpster with a bottle of Ripple in one hand and lube in the other. The eternal question, who pays for the condoms?
Date? What’s that?
If you don’t have money to spend freely, then you have to speak up right away and let the date know what your budget allows for. Otherwise you have to cheap out and go for coffee, dutch treat. But if your date lets you know they are short on cash, do not expect them to go halves or pay the tip unless they offer to. And if they are not working, treat them. But if you treat someone, don’t even ask for a kiss. They owe you nothing.