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Have you already given up on love? If so, why?
A friend recently confided to me that he had given up on finding love. He is not, however, alone in this regard. A gay man online who’s in his early 30s, also posted, “Has anyone else given up on finding love?” He added:
“If so, how old are you?
I am in my early 30s and I want to give up on finding sex, love, everything. I hate being ugly. Sometimes I think today won’t be so bad but then the world and people just show me how undesirable I am. I wish I can get rid of the need to be loved.”
His words reflected the harsh reality of how deeply societal beauty standards can affect individuals, particularly within the LGBTQ+ community.
For him, the search for love had become exhausting. He felt unwanted and unlovable, and it was clear that his self-esteem had taken a serious hit and his story echoed a common sentiment seen online.
Anyway, the responses to his post were diverse, some gay and bisexual men offered encouragement, personal stories, and honest advice.
One comment online that stood out came from a 53-year-old man who highlighted the importance of self-love. “I’m finding love in myself, my friends, and my family. For me, the most important thing is loving who I am without external validation,” he said. He also suggested that therapy could help break the cycle of self-deprecating thoughts—a recommendation that seemed particularly relevant in the context of my friend’s struggles as well.
Another poignant response came from a man in his mid-40s who hadn’t met his husband until later in life. He wrote, “I wasn’t looking when I met my husband. As soon as I decided to just be happy and live for me, that’s when it happened.” His advice was simple: stop focusing on finding love and start living life for yourself. This perspective offered hope, emphasizing that love can find its way into one’s life when least expected.
For others, not all relationships are built solely on physical attractiveness or conventional beauty standards. One online user pointed out, “Average and ugly people find love and happiness all the time. Especially being gay, if you ignore the Instagram gays, most real gay men are very kind and can find beauty in interesting places.” It’s easy to be drawn into the superficial world of social media, but real love and connections run much deeper than appearance.
At the core of OP’s struggles was his battle with self-worth. He, like many, had internalized societal expectations of beauty and desirability. Another commenter shared some sage advice: “Having a partner isn’t going to fill that hole you feel in your chest. You have to fill that yourself. Only then will you be available to be loved by another.” This message underscored the importance of self-love as the foundation for meaningful relationships.
The advice shared with him was to focus on rebuilding his self-esteem before diving back into the search for love. Relationships can be fulfilling, but they won’t heal the emotional wounds carried within. The journey to self-love is not always easy, but it’s essential for cultivating healthy, lasting connections with others.
Adam4Adam blog readers, have you ever felt like giving up on finding love? How did you manage those feelings? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments section below!
I turned 50 this year. My whole dating life occurred between 1996-1999 with the longest relationship being 9 months. My parents got married in their 20’s & my father will be 80 next year. My sister & B-I-L dated for 9 years before getting married (which was about 30 years ago). I’m tired of the “don’t look for love, it’ll find you”; “I wish more guys were like you”; etc.. It sucks going to family events & playing with the pets since you’re not married like the older people & 30+ years older than the kids. What’s 1 supposed to… Read more »
Because of our modern technology, and what seems like a super-natural kind of- or level of self-centeredness; narcissistic behaviors, so very prevalent in ‘our’ communities and the world at large, I don’t think the majority of gay men can, love anyone; many do not even love themselves. There’s a lot of “do as everyone else does” going on, regardless, of ‘who’ you are to yourself; you become everybody else . . . one big mass of unhappy, miserable men. The vast majority of gay men, have and more increasingly, run from what’s good for you in the long run, you… Read more »
might be more inclined to agree with your assessment if the gay males live in the “Blue States”? but those living elsewhere, particularly, in the mid-west or other parts of the US where media is not king, might be a bit more stable and more reasonably connected with the world around them?
I grew-up; came-out in Minneapolis, it was 80′ at 19yrs old; 93′-97′ I’ve lived in NYC, Brooklyn (Flatbush-prospect-pk area). Then I moved to Manhattan W14th Str., time and place making a difference? Presently and as of 03′ I’ve been living in So. Florida. Being fully mature @ 42yrs, old, I decided to take anal sex COMPLETELY off of the table. “53% of gay men over 50 are HIV+” These are the documented ones anyway, so numbers are more numerous considering other age groups. I read this, in the (SFGN) “south Florida gay news” approximately 10yrs ago. For my own safety,… Read more »
First, I don’t believe that statistic. Second, I’m on PrEP for prevention and am very active. A portion of my partners are poz-undetectable. I’m not getting HIV from them. I’m not in the drug scene, and that’s where the majority of infections come from in the Midwest (S FL might be different). I’m tested every three months. Clean, over 13 years of PrEP. I’m promiscuous. My partner is promiscuous (and on PrEP). But we don’t have sex with each other, or even in the same room. Is it love? There are ties that bind deeply. I don’t think the word… Read more »
“My partner is promiscuous, but we don’t have sex with each other”.
I’m lost how you “have a non-sexual partner”. What am I missing with that arrangement?
It ‘was’ a gay paper for gay people, why would they lie?
You haven’t any idea about Soflo; it’s where the real drugs come in; the Midwest does drugs like anywhere else in the larger metropolitan areas or cities.
Furthermore, the southern regions have the highest infection rates, period for obvious reason like your, i.e., “I don’t believe.” They didn’t care or believe either.
It should be titled Have you given up on an established relationship? it isn’t about love; it is about the reality of getting older and being looked upon as less than desirable? it is our society not necessarily a reflection of us.
I know plenty of old guys who are in loving relationships. A couple are monogamous. Most are open where they know who their Top Dog and maybe even live together full or part time while also having a few friends they are close to emotionally. The later means guys have themselves together emotionally and financially, with minimal drama. Too many Gay guys aren’t.
I also know many older guys who have older guy friends. They know to “let the youngsters who seek others like them cavort amongst themselves.”
Tina Turner was on to something when she sang, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”?
She sang that, out of the pain of ‘her’ own life, what’s yours got to do with hers?
Love, should have everything to do with it, regarding relations and claiming to be in monogamous unions and such, people are so selfish-greedy-trying to have it all.
How’s that working for the majority, not, for many.
Don’t get into what’s too commonly done “arrangements” then you are asking for a let down
At 72 and losing my partner of 33 years almost 13 years ago, it took me about 11 years to move along well enough to seriously be back on A4A. I find “youngsters” to be not at all desirable. My profile states, “my interest in a man begins when he is at least 45 yo.” By then, the gentlemen should know enough to pay attention to what a profile states and abide by it. Giving up on love? NEVER! I know there is somebody waiting in the shadows of my life who will appear at the strangest of times, in… Read more »
I’m sorry for your loss, how sad. Wow! 33 years! What an accomplishment! You guys were YOUNG when you met and got hitched! Just goes to show that longtime unions are not just in the str8 community. As you mentioned About the “youngsters” is pretty well true it’s more their ways that make them “ugly”, just like the atmosphere at the hangout joints. It was the “youngsters” foolish behaviors that caused these places like S4 here in Dallas to eventually tighten their rules to the legal aged youth. So that just shows you what you could expect if you decide… Read more »
Here’s my take, as a straight married man who loves getting sucked on the side. Most gay guys I’ve seen and met aren’t looking for love. They’re looking for as many partners as possible. I’m having a damn field day out here because of it.
hummm…maybe because those are the guys you are looking for…. hookups on the side (of your relationship!)
Well, yeah, you’re right. The thing is, between here and Grindr, that’s literally 90% of the guys there. It’s very rare to see looking for ltr in their description. Out of 100 profiles, you’re lucky to see 5 that are looking for more than just a hookup.
Straight and Gay male friends have told me, “When I was looking for love and an LTR, I never found it. Every new date I was surveying the “candidate” for matches of what I was seeking, dismissing those who didn’t match after a few dates. I found it later when I stopped surveying and just went about my life.” Men in general aren’t good at monogamy and LTRs. Gay men even less so. While some guys do want and do seek LTRs, it takes patience and persistence. It also means not seeking LTRs on dating sites in bars, or at… Read more »
Lots of men….all ages, will say they want a LTR… maybe even monogamous. But….you’ll find in time… straight/bi/gay… a stiff dick really has no conscience.
I would like to know for your friends “who weren’t looking” if it took 22 years before their 1st relationship or 25+ after their last? That’s what I keep being told & 2-2.5 DECADES is a little too much to “not look”.
Hooking up and having sex can be satisfying, I try to be open and honest with each guy I have been with over the years. I could be ready to fall in love at any time, with the right guy that is ready to try to develop a relationship with falling in LOVE as the goal!!!!
You’re right… unfortunately with the technology… internet “dating” these days I don’t have any expectations. Too many fake profiles, married guys trying to live out a fantasy on the computer screen, and those who are just flakes. The biggest problem is probably the geographic challenge… and younger guys…. insist you pay for travel (usually including extra money for an “inhaler” LOL)
Yeah, I really have. So many flakes and scammers out in the world now, you just can’t trust anyone. I was lucky enough to find it once and even then it was good and very bad. It’s just not in the cards for me, and I’m ok with it now.
I haven’t quite given up on finding someone, but I don’t have much hope anymore. I’m 42, and haven’t had a decent date in 7 years. It seems that by my age most of the guys who want to be in relationships already are, and have been for a long time. Most of the guys who aren’t in relationships simply don’t want to be. The dating sites are overrun with scammers, and there isn’t really anything around me for meeting guys organically. The constant encouraging of hookup culture by the gay community, and discouragement of making meaningful connections by the… Read more »
I’ll never give up. I’ll be 65 this year and I feel in my heart of hearts that there is someone out there for me. Though you can’t dwell on it too much or it will make you crazy. When that happens, you just have to take a step back for a while and chill.
I was with the same guy 40 years after he passed I tried the dating game all guys want now adays is a quick trip in the sack Guess I will never know true love again
Just a friendly tip: use punctuation to separate sentences.
I read that as “I was with the same guy 40 years after he passed”…has a WHOLE DIFFERENT meaning.
Some people just think they are smarter than others. but nobody likes a smart ass!
Bill your sentence was fine. I understood exactly what you were stating. There is longevity in gay relationships.